The host, who I’m meeting for the first time that night, opens the door and says, “Hey, motherfucker!”
In the right context, said to the right friend, that would be pretty funny and I’d take it in stride. From someone I don’t know? It says to me the guy thinks dicking around with people he doesn’t know is okay. It tells me something about his character, and if I don’t like what it says, yeah, I might not be able to enjoy myself at his party. I’d probably hang around a while because, hey, I already made the trip, but every time I saw the host I’d be thinking “socially retarded idiot.”
Flying into a homicidal rage and wanting to shoot someone who directed a compliment (albeit a crudely expressed one) your way is “perfectly reasonable”, whereas not having a particularly good time at a party because the host acted like a bit of a dick to you to is “not normal”.
I think it’s about on par with the ‘joke’ in the OP, yeah. There’s people who don’t mind it, just like some people don’t mind the tension-and-release stuff, and there’s people who’d get highly offended at one or the other. Both often get waved off with “hey, man, lighten up a little!” And both are just not appropriate to use with someone you don’t know.
I’m pretty sure SFG doesn’t mind being called a bitch by her friends. But I’d be plain amazed if she’d be able to laugh off being called it by someone she only just met.
The thing is that the whole “The party’s tomorrow, you got the wrong house!” thing is incredibly tame (and also lame, but I think everyone agrees there). It (IMHO) in no way compares to most of the other examples people have thrown about in this thread.
Every party I’ve been to has involved music and people socialising. Unless you’re the first one there (and you should never be the first one there unless you know the host really well), it’s pretty obvious that there’s a social gathering of some sort going on. So the host opening the door and saying “The party’s tomorrow, you know” and there’s music wafting out and the sound of people socialising in the background, it’s painfully obvious that they’re just making a lame joke.
And it’s not the sort of joke I’d make (just to skewer all the people assuming that everyone who shrugs the 1st OP example off as “Harmless and over-reacting” is an immature prankster who likes making people uncomfortable), but I’d certainly see it as the host trying to “include” me, or at least making an attempt at humour to create a light, fun mood. I honestly and genuinely cannot fathom how it would lead to acute embarrassment or any of the other unpleasant feelings described by the OP and others, and nor can I understand the “How dare he!” views expressed about the host in the OP.
I realise that. But the way people were talking was as if it was never acceptable to make that sort of joke, even if you weren’t first one there and that was the attitude I was responding to.
The “don’t be the first one there unless you know the host really well” thing is probably worthy of a thread of its own, though.
One I thought of involves SEC college sports. You ever lived in a place where there are two rival teams that people root for? Half of folks I know are for one, and half for the other. There is a certain etiquette about the jokes people make about the teams - if you don’t know someone very well, and you belittle ‘his’ team by telling a joke, it is considered a faux pas. So you kind of feel a person out (find out which team they root for) before you make such a joke.
And yeah, folks take it very seriously around here. Not me (don’t give a rat’s ass about it) but - yeah.
So is profanity to a lot of people. It simply depends on what you personally find tolerable.
Some folks can read a Stephen King book just before turning out the lights and sleeping in pitch blackness, and are baffled by people who hate horror and can’t sleep after watching something like Shaun of the Dead. Some people think nothing of calling their buddies motherfuckers and are surprised when it’s taken as an insult. Some people think tension-and-release is an icebreaker, expecting the mark to laugh with them, and are baffled by people who get pissed off or upset because they were made to feel foolish for no apparent reason.
The catch is that you need to know what someone finds tolerable before you can use it on them, and being surprised when it backfires is a mark of a lack of social awareness on your part. (Unless the person happens to be offended by sincerity and politeness, then you just can’t win.)
Now, I do think that if ‘gut-wrenching embarrassment’ isn’t hyperbole, then the OP reacted more strongly than normal. But I can understand where he’s coming from; I still have to cope with anxiety from potentially screwing up social situations, since I find myself in them so infrequently. I also don’t find it all that surprising that it seems like people with social anxiety, whether mild or genuine disorders, tend to be overrepresented on the internet. The reason is pretty damn obvious, in fact: the internet is a safe haven where interaction with others can be as restricted or distanced as you need it to be, and people with social anxiety just don’t get out that much in the real world. There’s also loooong precedent on the Dope and other message boards for examining minute slices of life in exacting detail, far more than the topic really deserves. The sniping on those two points is really unwarranted IMO.
There’s also the fact that introverts (which aren’t necessarily synonymous with socially anxious people) value their private space, and so they usually value the private space of others. Even if you’re not all that socially anxious, I can still see a situation where you don’t have concrete proof that the party was today, and on being told that it’s not you realize that you’ve just intruded on the host’s private space without warning. I see nothing wrong with being genuinely mortified by that, although in such a case it’s easier to brush it off once the host makes it clear he’s joking. (Which is again where two people can have utterly disparate views of reality; I know there’s lots of folk who think nothing of dropping by someone’s house unannounced.)
Anyway, the last two paragraphs are wandering off point. I just saw this thread today and haven’t had a chance until now to weigh in.
Look, it makes sense to be offended by someone calling you motherfucker. It’s usually used as a prejorative term and involves cursing. So it’s perfectly reasonable that someone would feel disrespected and embarrassed if they are interpreting this literally.
Someone telling you that there’s no party going on is not insulting in either a literal or jesting sense. It’s a lie of little consequence. Most people would not be engulfed in embarrassment in this situation; if it were not a joke, they’d simply say “Oh wow, must have gotten my dates wrong, sorry man…you can keep my beer” and then shrugged it off as a weird mistake.
If you’re searching for a comparable analogy, I mentioned it earlier. The gag is “You have a spot on your shirt…”. If a stranger pulled this on me, I would probably think they were corny as all get out, but I wouldn’t be personally offended or feel like they were making fun of my embarrassment. There’s no obvious reason why a spot on my shirt would be all that humiliating, just as there is no obvious reason why going to a house when there is no party is humiliating either.
Comparisons to non-jokes and jokes that involve the suffering of loved ones are not comparable to the thing the OP went through.
Except that I gave just such a reason in my last post.
Basically, I respect your time and privacy, and you used that respect against me. Even if it was without really meaning to, and even though it’s incredibly minor in the grand scheme of things, it’s a slight mar on what should be a fun night. The fact that it’s the very first interaction you have when you get to the house doesn’t help, either. It’s just not a cool thing to do to someone you don’t know.
It may not be something that demands pistols at dawn, but it’s also not something that should necessarily be waved off, much less sneered at as has been happening in this thread.
No you didn’t give an obvious reason why that experience should be humiliating. A reason to feel apologetic and guilty, yes.
Trust me when I say I’m an introvert too, and I understand what you’re saying about intruding upon a person’s space. But it’s not as if the OP was standing in the host’s living room for a hour with his mouth hanging open while the host was trying deal with his presence. We’re talking about… what, a two second interaction at the door?
I’m not even saying the OP is wrong for having his emotional response. Just trying to get him to accept that he can’t really blame the party host for making him feel this way. He had a bad reaction to something that wasn’t purposely designed to make him feel bad, and it’s best to just let go and let live. That’s all my point is, really.
Fair nuff. I am of the opinion that everyone needs to learn how to cope with people different from them, even those with genuine disorders like Asperger’s. Although I don’t think this was a “learn to laugh at yourself” moment like others have suggested, since the OP did nothing wrong to earn the teasing.
It wasn’t an anecdote. It was a gross generalization.
It’s quite possible to be an asshole and still be the life of the party. I just think that someone who screws with strangers is just not worth the bother.
I would think that people who think everyone should have thicker skin about these kinds of things would just shrug and move on. The default first meet is meaningless pleasantry. A practical joke uses up unearned social capital. Why is that escalation ok, but it is horrible if someone just turns around and walks?
The answer is that they don’t think everyone should have a thicker skin, just their targets.
If I am reading it correctly, he is lamenting that you are taking the issue so seriously.
The problem here is this: We take (or took. I’ve lightened up, really. It’s been 20 minutes.) it seriously. They don’t. When we try to argue seriously, they are baffled and respond with humor. We are confused, and try again. They are confused, and attempt to defuse. We are confused by their casual put-downs (from our perspective), and attempt to communicate this.
The various perspectives are so far apart that it’s teeth-pullingly hard to communicate anything properly. It’s like that one furry thread, or the time Quasimodem thought he was in Great Debates but he was really in the BBQ Pit.
Look, I feel- and this is strictly my personal opinion and is in no way intended to be personally directed at anyone in particular- that society is becoming increasingly touchy-feely-cotton-wrapped, and that this is a bad thing.
There is a point where it becomes appropriate to tell people to “harden the fuck up”, as we say here. We are rapidly approaching a point where it’s impossible to do anything without offending someone, and as such rather than living in a precious snowflake world, it behoves people to discover that not everyone thinks they should have to accommodate their unusual/weird social phobias or anxieties, obscure beliefs, or anything else that’s not within cooee of “Normal in the popular experience sense”.
Which means that the host of a party should be able to crack a lame joke about the party not being until later (in an effort to lighten the mood) with someone they don’t know, and not worry that they’ve mortally insulted their guest and that person has now perpetually filed them in the “Big Meanie” or “Fuckwit” category.
Most guys like sports, and particularly Footy. I hate Footy. But when someone attempts to engage me in conversation about The Footy, I don’t think “How dare that person talk to me about The Footy, as I hate it so very much! What a wanker, assuming I, as a Man, like Footy!” I say “I don’t really follow the Footy, but did you hear about the Test Series against [whoever is playing Cricket at the time]?” or I divert the conversations to movies or music or current affairs. But I don’t get mad at them for assuming I like Footy and might want to talk about it. The problem is on my end for being the “weird” one who doesn’t like Footy, and it’s not the responsibility of every person I come across to be psychically aware of my dislike of Footy and prepare their small talk and conversation starters accordingly.
And we’re off on a wild strawman chase. We’re not talking about anything, we’re talking about making a joke at a stranger’s expense. Is it that difficult to empathize enough with other people to realize “Hey, this might not be the best way to make someone feel at ease”?
Your example of Footy really has nothing to do with the subject, which is, again, making fun of someone for no apparent reason, which is kind of a dickish thing to do. It’s not a big deal, but it’s just kind of dickish.
I didn’t read the whole 5 pages of thread so far, but to answer the OP, nothing is funny about that.
One guy I was friendly with for a while in high school would often do things like that to me. Make some ambiguous comment implying he heard something on the rumor mills about me, but after making the comment decline to answer any questions. What a fucking tool. At 16 I was well rid of him.
