Dear sweet Jesus … I was at Office Max this afternoon, where I came across the X-TREME!!! SPORTS CHAIR!!! The X-TREME!!! SPORTS CHAIR looked like any other cheap desk chair, but unlike the rest of the crowd, this one was X-TREME!!!
The X-TREME!!! chair didn’t chase me around the store, it didn’t try to tackle me, it didn’t com with a matching snowboard and mountain bike, nor did it have a button that, when pushed, played Song 2 by Blur. Still, though, it was X-TREME!!!
Hopefully, this signals the decline of the X-TREME!!! craze, where everything under the sun is being marketed as something wild and filled with attitude. An X-TREME!!! office chair? Maybe, somehwere, there is an X-TREME!!! fax machine and X-TREME!!! copier paper to go along with the chair.
The end? No, my friend. It is merely the beginning, for long ago was it written:
“And lo, it shall be that at the dawn of the third millenium, the world and it’s people’s shall be unto the first coming of the X-TREME. The X-TREME will shine down unto the world, and lo, it will be good. For with the X-TREME, the people can do things that were, until the coming, unattainable. The cliffs shall be climbed with great dexterity, the boards with which one uses to skate will be skated with such presicion that the great prophet Tony Hawk will indeed marvel at the X-TREME’s awesome power. It shall come down, and there it shall stay for seven years, shinning it’s continence upon the Earth. But, as with all good things, the X-TREME shall leave the world, taking with it the great disciples it has found. There they shall spend countless time in X-TREME heaven, where the Mountain Dew shall flow like the Jordan River, the Doritos Go-Snaks shall be in plenty, and the Go-Gurt will not be lacking. Then, one day, when the X-TREME so decides, it shall arrive again, and the world will then know it’s wrath. For those who did not heed it’s call the first time shall be punished in Hell, spending eternity drinking not but water, and eating not but yogurt in a dish with a spoon. For there will be no BMXing there, not a gnarly wave for surfing shall be found. The X-TREME and it’s followers will then depart this land, and it’s kingdom will have no end.” ~Knoxville 3:35
The Jackass Chronicles
From time to time, documentary channel TLC runs an ad for something called “Extreme Driving Quiz.” Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see how any “quiz” can be “extreme.” By definition, a quiz is less than a test; it’s a lightweight, simpler, less important version of anything, and is therefore antithetical to the definition of “extreme.” I’ll believe a slug can sprint before I’ll believe in an extreme quiz.
