Yeah, but aside from that, Mrs Lincoln...(a political MPSIMS story)

So I’m doing the get-out-the-vote thing, make my umpteenth call of the sequence, introduce myself and ask the respondent if she knows who she’s voting for.

“I’m not entirely sure”

I ask which is the most apt descrip — leaning Kerry, leaning Bush, or undecided. (We don’t ask if they’re leaning Nader or Badnarik but have places to check if the say so).

“I’m kind of leaning towards Bush”

So, as per my script for undecideds, I ask what would be the primary deciding issues for her.

“Well, the abortion issue. If I vote for Kerry I will forfeit my soul.”


<And she’s undecided? Yes, ma’am, I can see as how that factor would weigh heavily in your considerations, ma’am, but consider the factors favoring a Kerry vote…>

No, I don’t. I make a couple of incoherent mm sounds and then identify the group I’m calling for, acknowledge that it is pro-Kerry, and that we hope that as an undecided voter she’ll consider casting her vote for Kerry on November 2.

“I can’t. I will lose my soul if I do.”

<What does one say to that?>

Well, ma’am, I thank you for your time and I respect the gravity of the issues you need to consider before casting your vote.

I suppose I did not do my duty. I should perhaps have stated (truthfully) that I’ve been on the phone with pro-life voters who have decided, albeit reluctantly, to vote for Kerry because George Bush has sent so many young men off to risk death in an unnecessary war. Or maybe I should’ve said “Well, gee, lady, maybe you’ll end up winning your soul back in a card game, you never know”.

Or better yet, I should’ve said what was actually going through my mind at the time: “Well damn, if voting for Kerry would cause you to lose your soul and yet you’re still not entirely decided on how you’re going to vote this election, you must have some major issues deflecting you from casting a vote for George Bush.”

I admit, though, that I was mostly sitting there in astonishment to find myself talking with someone who actually believed that casting a vote for a pro-choice candidate would be so evil an act that there would be no possibility of redemption or forgiveness, let alone the possibility of any shade of grey or balancing factors as far as God was concerned. Not enacting pro-choice policy, not being a pro-choice candidate, but merely voting for one. Lady, you did that, you go to hell, do not pass confession, do not bathe in the blood of the lamb, just get your sinning ass over there into bed with your new husband the Antichrist, end of story. Lost your soul.

And I thought to myself, you know, I bet she didn’t come by that perspective on her own or out of thin air. Someone’s been preaching that. Someone’s been delivering that sermon as the Word and has actually got this person convinced that a Kerry vote is a one-way no-cancellation ticket to Hell. And I thought to myself, I’m not a Christian and I don’t worship or revere that heavy black-bound text in quite the way some of you Christian folks do, but I believe the phrase “beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves” can be found in there somewhere. Preacher-person, whoever and wherever you are, do you not worry that someone somewhere just might be preparing a very warm Pit thread for you for saying such things under the guise of such authority?

There is a possibility that she was lying to you.

When I get people calling me/coming to my door I often lie through my teeth to get them a)to go away and b)hopfully never ever bug me again.

The Mormons, I think it was the Mormons(#1), never came back to my last apartment after I informed them that I was a satanist even though I saw them in my apartment building all the time.


#1. I have nothing against Mormons, I just don’t want anyone coming to my door to try and save my soul. I have other things to do.

I’m just amazed she was undecided about Kerry. Eternal damnation - there’s a big negative. But on the positive side, she likes his position on deficit reduction.

Damn you Little Nemo! You made me laugh so loud I nearly woke our baby.