I get frustrated hearing people say that this person chose their path in life, particularly referring to a troubled person. It seems like they totally discount the person’s life experiences. The responsibility for your actions belong to you, but in many cases your brain couldn’t conceive of all the possible choices. Your possibilities are limited due to your life experiences.
Growing up, I was the victim of “soft” abuse. Not sexual or physical, but more like lack of authority figures guiding me in the right direction. I got the idea that parents/siblings/teachers/etc didn’t care about my well being and did not give me the tools to be a successful adult.
That said I have huge self esteem & trust issues. That experience definitely limits my choices. For example, I tend to see my wife’s observations as attacking due to trust issues. I don’t see myself ever getting past that. It’s too deeply ingrained. I just can’t choose to be happy go lucky and take these things she says as innocently as I know, intellectually, they are meant.
I’m not looking to place blame but it’s not fair to assume that everybody can conceive of all possible choices and then make the best choice. You are a combination of your experiences, in many ways making the best decision is impossible.
I agree with you, and this is why I really try not to be judgmental. Every time someone annoys me, I try to remember there’s a reason why they’re that way–a reason that they are not responsible for. That doesn’t make them any less annoying (so I’m within my right to stay away from them). But it does make it possible for me to feel more compassion for them than hatred (though this usually doesn’t happen I’m not enlightened enough for this, I guess).
However, on a personal level, it’s hard for me to give myself the same break. I understand intellectually that everything about me is the result of external factors beyond my control, but I still need to hold onto the idea that I am the boss…that I can be held accountable for something. One way I do this is by telling myself once I gain insight into why I feel , I have earned some responsibility going forward. Like, if I know why a person bugs the shit out of me, I have the “choice” to allow them to get under my skin or not. I can walk away from them. I can ignore them. I can tell them to fuck off. I give myself a pass for my feelings themselves, but I make still myself accountable for how to handle them. I know the choice isn’t really a choice, but it makes me feel good thinking it is.
I disagree with you-my entire life’s path is proof enough of that. You most definitely CAN overcome your programming, as it were. If you want to argue for your limitations, you get to keep them.
I agree with all of you! Allegedly, up to 95% of our reactions are based on instinctual and emotional responses that we don’t have a lot of control over. People are definitely limited by their reference experiences, therefore it is very useful to assume that the annoying person out there is not annoying you on purpose.
Having said that, we can change our programming. Sometimes introspection and hard work is enough, sometimes a bit of help from a coach/mentor/therapist is needed. NLP and Hypnosis are excellent tools to help change our programming.
I think we are a combination of our life experiences thereby expanding our potential to create new ones from the old. We choose what to stick with and what to strive for every day by our actions. Sometimes letting the smallest changes become habit can make a big difference, letting go of the excuses to let us reach for something else. We may never know all the When and Why of the things that hold us back, but we can take away their power by giving a different reaction a try, or doing one positive thing out of character for us and not retreating from the differences they make; a path becomes a path because it’s continually walked on. Change is hard but not changing takes just as much effort. I tell myself this all the time and sometimes I can take one step forward.
Not sure if this is the same issue, but I often counsel people “whatever you think you can’t do will come true.” The first step in change is wanting to change into something. The usual example is math. If a person says “I can’t do math,” when faced with a math problem, they don’t even try. If someone believes they can do it, they look up stuff on the web, ask people, try different things, etc. Even if the math skill of the second person is lower than that of the first, the 2nd person has an infinitely higher chance of finding the answer. The first person’s chance is exactly 0.
So let’s say instead of thinking, “I can’t trust people,” what if you said, “I want to become someone who can trust other people.” Now your entire strategy changes. You read books, you ask for advice, you seek counseling, etc. You might never become good at it, but now your chances of doing it are not zero.
Another idea is that anybody can do anything, but everybody has a maximum potential. Someone who is under 6ft tall might not play basketball professionally, but that doesn’t mean they can be say in the top 10% of all players at that height by working at it. They might only get to the top 99%, but that is still better than 0.
One thing I get really sick of hearing: I can’t do X because of <insert something from the past.> Don’t let the past control your present.
This. Sure, I get what the OP is saying. Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know until you see the consequences of your mistakes. OTOH, that’s not an excuse not to learn lessons from those mistakes and to keep repeating them.
I can tell you it resulted in paranoia, trust issues and extraordinarily low self esteem. This “soft” abuse taught me that I wasnt worth the effort, so yeah, I’d consider it abuse.
I would agree that upbringing and education and socio-economic status can put limits on the statistical measurements of your potential.
A kid raised in a poor house, with few books, in a crummy neighborhood, with a rotten education can overcome all of these and rise to become a Nobel Laureate. But it’s harder. The chances of such great success are diminished.
Your life experiences have a huge influence on your potential. But they aren’t an absolute limit. They impel, but do not compel.