You can see any theatrical production in history live. What do you choose?

For reasons that are none of your goddamn business, but certainly have nothing to do with any gigantic pennies, robot dinosaurs, or enormous playing cards that may have disappeared from a cave outside Gotham City, I am taking a brief cross-time vacation. I’ve decided this will be a theme trip. For the next two weeks I will be touring our world’s history and catching live theatre productions.

I’ve already got tickets to see Patinkin and Peters Sunday in the Park with George (opening night, of course), as well as for the first production of Our Time in 1938. But I need more ideas, and thus I turn to you folks. Whoever comes up any of the twelve best suggestions gets a free ride back with me; I’ll cover your tickets and even lend you an intradermal universal translator if we’re seeing something not in English.

Suggestions?

Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theater, Friday April 14, 1865…

A Streetcar Named Desire, December 3, 1947 at the Ethyl Barrymore Theater - Marlon Brando, Jessica Tandy, Kim Hunter, and Karl Malden, directed by Elia Kazan. There was a 30 minute ovation after the performance.

We – by which I mean “I” – will probably have to see that one twice.

Omigod, so many choices . . . The 1917 Ziegfeld *Follies *. . . Vernon and Irene Castle in Watch Your Step . . . Anna Held in Miss Innocence . . . Jeanne Eagels in *Rain *. . . Georgie Drew Barrymore in almost anything . . . Tallulah Bankhead in The Little Foxes . . .

[head a’splodes]

I would love to see the Actor’s Equity strike benefit from 1912, especially for Ed Wynn’s “The court has ordered me not to perform on stage tonight, so I’ll stay here in the audience and tell you about all the jokes I would have told you if I had been allowed to.”

Opening night for Leave it to Me with Mary Martin.

Hamlet at the Globe Theater.

The rules don’t say you have to choose ONE. The rules say that I am going to one play a night for two weeks – i.e., to fourteen (now 11) plays, and that the first person to come up with something that fills one of the open spots gets a free ride & ticket. So knock yourself out.

But no more exploding heads. I just cleaned up in here. Well…the bonobos just did, but that’s the same thing.

The historian in me wants to catch any original production of an ancient greek play. I’d love to finally be able to get some answers to technical questions. The Birds by Aristophanes would be more than acceptable.

I wouldn’t say no to an original Moliere either.

This was my second thought, my 1st was Othello (my favorite Bard work)

Henry VIII at the Globe, June 29, 1613.

I’ll leave before the salute, thank you very much.

Any Henry Irving/Ellen Terry Shakespeare production

H.M.S. Pinafore at the Opera Comique in London, England, on 25 May 1878

Do you know exactly when that fire started? No? Me neither.

Not as far inthe past, but id love to see the early 90’s revival of Guys & Dolls with Nathan Lane, Peter Gallagher, and Faith Prince. (and JK Simmons, I believe).

First one that came to mind for me as well. Though even knowing that it would enable to prevent or at least witness the murder of America’s greatest president I’m not certain if I could sit through a Victorian drawing room comedy. I’d probably give the person next to me a couple of bucks to “nudge me when someone says ‘sockdologizing’”.

I’d love to see John Wilkes Booth perform as well, and his brother Edwin and their father Junius, to see if Junius and Edwin were that great or if John was as mesmerizing as his reputation. (His photographs aren’t exactly “hubba hubba” by today’s aesthetics for male attractiveness, but in person he must have been beautiful.)

A performance at African Grove, the early 19th century theatre company founded by freed slaves and frequently starring James Hewitt, an ex slave some critics counted as among the best Shakespearean actors ever. The actors there did a voodoo/Caribbean themed Shakespearean productions a century before Orson Welles.

I’d love to have seen Rex Harrison and Julie Andrews in My Fair Lady.

Sarah Bernhardt in one of her 48 farewell tours of La Dame Aux Camelias. I find it fascinating that Americans who didn’t even speak French went to see her and wept during the performance, and not just the social climbers. (They did sell scripts that translated the play into English during her U.S. tours- I have one.)

Oscar Wilde lecturing on Decorative Arts and House Beautiful (basically, interior design) in mining camps and tiny towns and to polygamous Mormons and Cajuns and other unlikely audiences during his 1882 American tour, usually while dressed in velvet and holding a sunflower, and often (not always) getting ovations including from roughnecks (who he sometimes drank under the table beforehand to get their respect). Accounts of his U.S. tour frequently had reviews similar to Blue Man Group today- “I can’t tell you what it is or why it’s brilliant, but trust me… it is”. I’m guessing it was as much stand-up comedy as aestheticism, and even so he certainly had his share of haters, but I’d love to have seen it.

Mark Twain of course. Hal Holbrook spent years researching Twain’s voice and mannerisms et al to be the most authentic Twain actor in the biz and I’ve seen him twice, but I’d love to see the real man. Also Charles Dickens, who became so passionate in his readings his audiences sometimes feared he was going to collapse.

And, assuming I could upload a Classical Greek translation program, I would love to see some of the great Greek tragedies (especially Medea) and comedies (especially Lysistrata) performed as they were performed in ancient Greece (masks, drag queens, god machines, wagons, chorus, etc.), and of course any performance at Shakespeare’s Globe (or Rose, or Swan) that didn’t result in fiery death for members of the audience. Dream choice would be one of the performances that Shakespeare himself performed in or one that Pocahontas attended.

Do you mean Our Town?

As for me, I would love to see Angela Lansbury in the original Sweeney Todd, as well as You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown back in the '50s with Gary Burghoff and Bob Balaban.

The 1956 backyard production of ‘Giant Monster Eats My Sister’, 453 Oak St, Hamilton, NJ. Directed by Jimmy Carlton, age 6.

The late showing.

Yes! I’ve oft dreamed of witnessing the first literal Deus ex machina.

Not a play, but I kind of wish I had gotten to go to Woodstock, or any of the more notable Grateful Dead concerts.

Along these lines… is there any list out there of major unsolved mysteries of the theater arts?

Firstly to its premiere, 5 January 1953 - Théâtre de Babylone in Paris, and happily holding my breath until 15 August 1955 at London’s Arts Theatre to hear it in English. After that, to the John Golden Theater, New York, on 19 April 1956 for its US opening night, before a bit of a wait until 30 April 2009, (Studio 54, New York) in order to see John Goodman as Pozo.

When too much Waiting for Godot is not enough…

Yes. Fricking typo fairies.

You can hitch a ride to me to see Lansbury & Cariou butcher the innocent, but there’s no way I’m going to the Peanuts play.