It’s hard to top the reign of Edward II for soap opera.
Edward II really wasn’t a bad guy, nor was he some effeminate milquetoast ala Braveheart. He was tall, handsome, and had a good sense of humor. He was also considered sort of a weirdo by the standards of his time because his hobbies included things like thatching houses and going swimming. It sounds pretty harmless to us but back then I guess princes didn’t hang out with peasants and build huts with their own hands. Anyway.
Edward had an, ah, close relationship with Piers Gaveston. In 1306, they were knighted together during the Festivals of the Swans, along with many other notables of the realm. Edward was 22, Piers probably that age plus or minus a year or two. Others who were present and knighted at the ceremony included:
Roger Mortimer, aged 19, Edward and Piers’ companion. Watch out for him – he’s going to become the lover of Edward’s queen and eventually have Edward murdered.
Hugh le Despenser, aged about 18, who had recently married Edward’s niece, Eleanor de Clare. He and Mortimer are already blood enemies (Mortimer’s grandfather killed Despenser’s grandfather in the Battle of Evesham) and he and Edward are not at this time very close. He’s at least as much of a snake as Mortimer.
Roger Damory, one of Edward’s future favorites. He’s going to get killed fighting Despenser in 1322.
Edmund Fitzalan, earl of Arundel, aged 21, who would later become one of Gaveston’s murderers. Executed by Mortimer and Queen Isabella in 1326.
John Maltravers, who later became one of Edward’s jailers at Berkeley.
Bartholomew de Badlesmere and John de Mowbray, both executed by Despenser in 1322.
One can only imagine this scene, these young men congratulating each other, smiling, laughing, pleased with themselves. Their whole lives ahead of them.
Edward asked his father, King Edward I, to give Piers the county of Ponthieu, which King Edward angrily turned down. He then exiled Piers Gaveston from England in 1307, probably mostly to punish his son, as he seems to have been rather fond of Piers himself. Edward loaded Piers down with gifts, said a tearful farewell, then sent him to Ponthieu instead of Gascony, as King Edward had ordered.
Piers had only been there a few weeks when Big Bad Daddy Edward keeled over. Edward was now king, and he joyously recalled his friend. He made Piers earl of Cornwall (a royal county) and married him to his own niece, Margaret de Clare. Now, the problem was Gaveston had a way of pissing off powerful men. Edward was infatuated with him and depended on him, and refused to even see any of the barons unless Gaveston was there with him. Gaveston also gave the barons insulting nicknames and beat the crap out of them at tourneys. The barons hated this guy. They forced him into exile two more times, in 1308 and 1311. Each time Edward brought him back, gave him honors, and returned him to his affections. Each time the grudges held against Gaveston festered and festered.
Meanwhile, Edward himself took a royal bride, Isabella of France. There’s no evidence to suggest she disliked him at all; in fact, they seem to have been very fond of each other. Their wedding was a star-studded event. Their first child, yet another Edward, was born November 13, 1312 (interestingly, if you count back nine months, that places his conception to February, when Edward and Isabella were in York celebrating the birth of Gaveston’s daughter. Must’ve been a party).
In 1312, Gaveston was back after his third exile. His enemies had had enough. They were determined to get rid of him, once and for all. The earls of Warwick, Arundel, Lancaster, and Hereford teamed up to kidnap him. He was taken to Blacklow Hill, run through with a sword, beheaded, then left in the street. Edward was heartbroken, but he also had a war with Scotland on his hands. Edward’s forces were defeated at Bannockburn, and his cousin Thomas of Lancaster (one of Piers’ murderers) almost took over the government. As it happened, the other barons didn’t like him anymore than they’d liked Gaveston, and got him out of power – but remember him. He’s not done yet.
Several new favorites flittered in and out of Edward’s life. Roger Damory had distinguished himself at Bannockburn and Edward took an interest in him. He married Damory (a lowly knight of no rank) to his own niece, Elizabeth de Clare, in 1317 and lavished gifts on them. Two other favorites were Hugh de Audley (who had married Gaveston’s widow Margaret) and William de Montacute, but Edward didn’t find anyone to take Gaveston’s place until Despenser unexpectedly stepped into the role.
I say unexpectedly because before 1318, Despenser and Edward downright didn’t like each other. What happened is the so-called Middle Party, led by Pembroke and Badlesmere, put Despenser into Edward’s household as chamberlain to keep an eye on him. Edward’s feelings about Despenser being forced on him didn’t seem to last long, as over the next two years Despenser wrapped himself around Edward and had him completely infatuated. When Despenser said “Jump”, Edward said, “How high, sir?” By 1321, everyone had figured out that Despenser was way more dangerous than Damory or Gaveston had ever been, but by then it was too late.
Despenser was going around snapping up lands and making sure no one but him had any sort of access to Edward. Roger Mortimer, who had been Edward and Gaveston’s buddy from the old days, showed back up (he’d been in Ireland for a few years). Remember now that he and Despenser despised each other, and here’s Despenser basically ruling the country for Edward. Things came to a head when Edward II confiscated Gower to give it to Despenser. This enraged the lords, and many stormed out of the court. Roger Mortimer actually stuck around for awhile – he didn’t leave until 1321 – perhaps he hoped that Edward would come to his senses and get out from under Despenser.
Damory and Audley rebelled against Despenser. Damory died fighting, and Audley ended up in jail until 1326, when Mortimer released him. The barons attacked Despenser’s property and looted, sacked, and pillaged. Edward struck back; among those captured was his friend Roger Mortimer. Mortimer was imprisoned in the Tower of London, but he escaped the day before his execution and fled to France. Thomas of Lancaster was defeated at the Battle of Boroughbridge and beheaded in 1322. The earl of Hereford, Edward II’s brother-in-law, was killed during that battle as well.
Now, Queen Isabella seems to have been terrified of Despenser. She alleged that he sent assassins after her, and from what we know of Despenser, I have to figure she was right to be afraid of him. She left and went to France to hide out at her brother’s court. And that’s where she ran into Mortimer.
Now, let’s resist the temptation to romanticize this. Mortimer was a desperate man. His title, lands, and family had been confiscated by Edward II and Despenser. He was a wanted man. He had nothing to lose. Mortimer was desperate for revenge, and when Queen Isabella fell into his lap, he seized the opportunity. In addition, Edward II sent his son and heir, Prince Edward, to France to do homage for Gascony. This seems like a stupid move on Edward II’s part, but you have to understand that Gascony was forfeit unless homage was done to the French king. He couldn’t do it himself, because if he left the country then the barons would kill Despenser. He couldn’t take Despenser with him, because Despenser faced a death sentence for piracy in France. So the only option open to him was to send his son.
Isabella and Mortimer got a hold of Prince Edward, and then invaded England. The earl of Lancaster joined with them, and London rose in support of the queen. Edward II’s own brothers Edmund and Thomas joined them. Edward must’ve been horrified and bewildered when his own wife and former best friend showed back up, looking for revenge. He fled, taking Despenser with him, which just goes to show how strong Despenser’s hold on him was – he refused to give up Despenser even when the threat was losing his country and his life.
Edward’s own cousin Henry of Lancaster captured them in 1326. Edward II was sent to Kenilworth. Despenser was taken to Hereford, where Mortimer and Isabella were waiting for him. Despenser, no doubt aware of what was in store for him attempted to starve himself to death. Isabella and Mortimer were anxious that they should not be cheated of their revenge, so Hugh was executed at Hereford in the presence of Queen Isabella and her 14-year-old son, Prince Edward. He was tortured, dragged through the streets, half-strangled, mutilated (his testicles, penis, entrails, and heart were all cut out), and then finally beheaded, but I figure the missing heart did him in long before his head got lopped off. His head was mounted on London Bridge. His widow was imprisoned in the Tower and several of his daughters forcibly veiled as nuns.
Mortimer and Isabella quickly became as bloodthirsty as Despenser had been. They beheaded the earl of Arundel, who had been one of Despenser’s supporters (and a participant in the murder of Mortimer’s buddy Gaveston). Despenser’s father, also named Hugh, was beheaded and his body fed to dogs. Many more of Despenser’s cronies were also tortured and murdered.
Edward II himself was sent to Berkeley and apparently killed (or died on his own). The story of the hot poker is from way after the fact, and probably didn’t happen. Some biographers think that he wasn’t murdered, but that Mortimer allowed him to secretly escape to Italy and live out his life in peace, but to be perfectly frank, I think that’s the stupidest bullshit I’ve ever heard. The idea that Mortimer would let Edward II waltz out of prison and gallavant away into the sunset boggles my mind. I mean, wtf kind of chat was that?
ROGER: Oh, hey Ned. How’s tricks.
EDWARD: Same old, same old. Drinking muddy water, eating rats. Y’know, 'cause you have me in this stinking fucking prison.
ROGER: Aw, don’t be that way, dude. Let’s let bygones be bygones. Here, I’ll unlock the door.
EDWARD: You’re going to let me go? After I imprisoned you in the Tower, imprisoned your family, let Despenser run roughshod over the country…
ROGER:… and then I fucked your queen, invaded your country, turned your family and friends against you, killed your boyfriend, and stuck you in this miserable pit. I say we’re even.
EDWARD: Aw, dude.
ROGER: Dude.
EDWARD: Dude!
They high-five. Edward strolls out of the prison. The End.
WTF. Okay, whatever happened, Edward II was out of the picture. Mortimer set about busily proving he didn’t learn a damn thing from the examples of Gaveston and Despenser. He bestowed an earldom upon himself in 1328, and took to ‘ruling’ England like a king with Isabella at his side. His own son called him ‘the king of folly’ to his face. All this made Henry of Lancaster (the brother of Thomas who was executed in 1322) uneasy, and he rebelled against the Mortimer regime. The rebellion was put down, but he seems to have secretly plotted with Prince Edward. Edward II’s brother Edmund also had second thoughts about Mortimer and Isabella, and attempted to break his brother (who was probably dead) out of prison in 1330. Mortimer and Isabella had him executed.
A few months later, Isabella and Edward II’s teenaged son Edward III was apparently fed up with this ‘mommy and stepdaddy’ stuff. He and some guys got together, snatched Mortimer literally out of Isabella’s bed, and hanged him. Isabella was not punished, nor did she go insane or anything stupid like that. She lived on and off at court and did quite well for herself until her death in 1358. Of all the major players in this story, she’s the only one who didn’t suffer a premature, hideous death.
