Inside a crate on level 1, you find
A small, Pink, electronic device, labelled “Stud Finder”.
If it, or the operator, are turned on, & the operating button is pressed, the clothing of all men in front of it becomes translucent, & all studs are visible, as are tattoos, bad habits, & Wedding Rings hidden in back pockets.
The Stud Finder only works for Women.
The Babe Finder (similar, but Baby Blue, & only usable ON Women, BY Men) is OUT OF STOCK.
I have said that anyone who makes a Stud finder that has an optional button that makes it beep when you point it at yourself will make a million.
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
A dusty tome called How to Find Creative Ideas for the Mysterious Basement Thread.
The pages are blank.
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
A Pistol, of an advanced design.
The tag on it reads “Myron’s Shrink Ray”.
On the side of the crate are the hastily-scrawled words : “SHRINKY-DINKY! TEENY-WEENY! STAY BACK! DON’T STARE AT MY ANKLE! I’LL MAKE YOU FUN-SIZED!”
The words are written in Purple Crayon.
Seems appropriate.
You open a crate and find a prescription pill bottle for a drug called Fukitol. You pop one and suddenly decide to leave the warehouse and go find a fifth of whiskey and a nice shady tree to sit under.
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
A book, hardcover, but cheaply printed.
The titles is–
“Barbie: A Child’s Toy Or A Hidden Agent Of The Creeping Red Menace?”
The Author is Richard Milhaus Nixon.
But not THAT Nixon.
The other one.
You open a smallish box. Inside are three android type fingers, but made of a clear material. You suddenly notice that you are missing those fingers and have been all along.
(Apologies to Demon with a Glass hand)
After saying the hell with all of these crates and their worthless contents, you look behind an old bookcase and see a mysterious DOOR. You then try to figure out how to open the door…
OPEN DOOR
I do not see an “open” here.
TWIST HANDLE
I cannot help thee with that
KICK IT IN
I do not know what an “it” is
You found a key in one of those crates earlier, so you try to use it to unlock the door. You also heard that the secret to getting these infernal things to work was to use archaic language:
UNLOCK YE DOOR
You can’t unlock ye door!
INSERT KEY IN LOCK
I do not know what a ‘key’ is
At that, completely fed up, you throw your electronic assistant against the wall, where it shatters into a million pieces. You promptly insert the key into the lock yourself, where it turns easily, and open the door.
A long dark tunnel awaits you, with very faint moaning noises emanating from it-the wind?
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
–a bucket of paint.
Plaid color.
All True Scotsmen use two coats.
In a smallish box marked W-r-ho-se 13 whose letters are badly faded, you find a strange looking gun. A label calls it as a “Tesla gun”.
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
a “Mecha” or “Walker Vehicle”.
It has two legs, and all its components are shaped like Dinosaur Bones–the legs & feet from a T-Rex, Rib Cage encloses the motor, the Cockpit is a T-Rex skull, etc.
Three items of note–
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
A business card :
DEL FLORIA’S TAILOR SHOP
CORNER OF 3RD AVE & EAST 44TH
NEW YORK, NEW YORK.
“This is the place your beloved Uncle bought his suits.”
a slightly smaller crate. 
There is a sign on the side of the slightly smaller crate.
It reads “It’s crates all the way down.” 
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
A College Diploma, made out to one John A. Zoidberg.
It was originally a degree in Art History.
However, the words “Art History” were crossed-out, and “Medical Doctor Of Human Medicine Why Not” were scribbled in.
These words were written in Red Crayon.
A phone number, for Stacy’s Mom.
Who is, apparently, also Jessie’s Girl.
Her number is 867-5309.
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
A File Cabinet, grey, with four drawers, labeled.
Drawer # 1–labeled “Reeling”. It contains, pens, pencils, pads of paper, correction fluid, & other office supplies.
Drawer # 2–labeled “Writhing”. It contains military MREs, bottled water, & a Field Medic kit similar to a US Army Medic’s. Score.
Drawer # 3–labeled “Fainting In Coils”. It contains 7 survival knives forged from tempered Silver, & strong as steel, 3 short cutlass-typ swords with cup handle guards, about 28 inches long, 9 Hunting slingshots, with lots & lots of Silver ammo, & a single portable Death Ray capable of killing a T-Rex or clearing a room with one shot. The powerpack has 3 shots left. DUDE! BIG score!
Drawer # 4–labeled "Alice’s Unmentionables.
It contain ----YOW!!! A Rabid Monkey was in there!
I thought it was supposed to be a “Rabid Tasmanian Devil” (See Boot to the Head, Last will version)
Drawer 5 contains a second hand dagger-proof coat. And a eulogy for a murdered beaver.
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
A large Flag, made of silk. It depicts a Double-Headed Eagle saying “Aye” from one beak and “Nay” from another.
There is also a bottle of Red Wine, a Pinot Grand Cru, that is the finest you have ever tasted.
In the next crate is a longbow, with a quiver of shafts and some extra bowstrings.
Well-played.
Inside a crate on level 1, you find
An Electro-comp.
If the finder is female, she suddenly feels a strong urge to fight crime.