I’d land that mother at Kennedy Space Center, clumsily bumping it against the Vehicle Assembly Building—scraping the edges, crashing out windows, bumping into the hangar bay doors, trying to fit it in—then finally choosing a landing spot outside.
I’ll greet the terrified crowd by running out of the hatch, frantically. I’ll yell, “Greetings from the year 3124! Earth is in a terrible crisis, that I can’t explain now. You’ll just have to trust me! There’s little time… quick, does anyone have any bananas?!”
They’ll scramble to find a banana.
“Perfect! I’m off to my own time! If this works, you’ll never see me again!”
Then I’ll blast off into space and put the thing down in a field close to home, and let the aliens have their ship back.
I’ll eat the banana as I walk home for a nice snack.
Call for the ultimate Dopefest and pick up the remaining cast members of Star Trek. Offer it to the US after that as long as I stay on the team to reverse engineer it and enough money to comfortably retire.
I figure we have to be ready for the return of the mothership.
There is no such thing as a spaceship without weapons. Any vehicle capable of comfortably cruising the solar system is also capable of conquering the combined military might of the entire planet. This fact just might be enough to make me reconsider my usual plan of going straight to the authorities.
“Hello Mr. President. I’m about to land an advanced spaceship on the DC Mall. Why don’t you and the members of Congress get together and arrange a purchase? I’ll take $2.5 billion, tax free. If you’d rather not, I suppose the Chinese would pay more, but really, I’m an American and I’d rather we had the ship than them. Oh yeah, I want this deal publicly announced and the agreement published, or no deal. I’m not walking out of this thing to have some clown attempt to confiscate it in the name of national security.”
“Tenants of planetoid 4474/b, your lease is about to expire.
Please deposit 200 tons of platinum as deposit for your next 5 year lease extension, or prepare to be evicted.”
I’ll land right in front of McLean Psychiatric Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts so that the schizophrenic patients can point out the window, turn to the staff and say, “see, I told you they were coming for me.” Then I’d send one of the drones out with a giant dildo in his hands and walk toward the front door. *“oh…and I bet you’re gonna wish you treated me a lot nicer real soon.” *
First, I’m going to Stephen Hawking’s house and give him a ride. Maybe we’ll pick up NdGT and some beers on our way out. I’ll let THEM decide what to do with the craft after their tour.
Picking up girls and general dicking around is of course first on the list. Then simply sell the thing for an awsome amount of cash and continue picking up girls and dicking around
First, I’d use the ship’s super-advanced computer to make myself rich; hacking powerball, an untraceable insurance scam, something like that. After insuring that I’m set for life it’d be time to use my powers for good. Use the crazy space computer to expose human traffickers, child pornographers, and truly malicious hackers so that the authorities could get them.
Then it’s fun time. I could hack into all TV, cell, and internet networks and make everything with a screen display an animated dancing cock and the words “GREETINGS FROM SPACE MUTHAFUCKAS!” for twenty-four hours. Make the stock market jump to an unknown high, then crash to nearly zero, then return to what is started at all within ten minutes. Whatever other crazy, weird things I could think of so that the week would go down as the strangest one in history.
Afterwards I would land quietly somewhere where no one would notice me. As I stepped off, I’d hit the switch to make the craft self-destruct or fly into the sun or just await the mother ship’s return.
YOUR TIME PERIOD IS EXPIRED. PLEASE REMIT THE BALANCE DUE OR FACE TERMINATION OF SERVICE. CREDIT IS AVAILABLE TO STRUGGLING LIFE-FORMS. SEVERE PENALTIES, SEVERE PENALTIES, SEVERE PENALTIES.
