Twice this year my best friend and I have planned to meet up with other people for a meal, only to find upon meeting them that they’d already eaten.
First case: My 18th birthday. I’m not much of a drinker, so I decided to have a quiet night out - dinner and a movie with my two closest friends. We organised this all a few days beforehand. When we got to where we were eating on the night, Friend #2 stepped back and told us he had already had dinner. He sat there watching me and Friend #1 eat our food, which was a bit awkward. He bought me expensive jewellery, though, so I let it slide.
Second case: Yesterday. Friend #1 and I decide to meet up after class for lunch and then a game of pool. We’ve done this before, and we’re very casual about people joining us or not turning up (as long as they tell us so we don’t wait for them), so I invited a different Friend #2 to join us since I happened to be talking to him the night before. I informed him it would be LUNCH and a game of pool, and he acknowledged this. He brought along someone else, which turned out to be a good thing because he pulled the same stunt as Friend #2 from the previous scenario, but he had the option of going elsewhere with Friend #3 while we ate so we could avoid the whole awkward staring-at-us-while-we-eat thing.
Is this acceptable behaviour? I know the two of us weren’t too pleased about it, but we don’t hold grudges as we are lovely and forgiving souls. All loveliness aside, however, is it reasonable for us to be put off by this? Friend #1 is a lurker here and would be just as curious as I am to hear your thoughts. So, thoughts?
It may be that they have an odd dietary restriction so don’t trust restaurant food, but want the social interaction anyways. As long as they weren’t welching chips off your plate or something I wouldn’t let it bother me.
Well, yesterday it was just because he got hungry just before we met up and didn’t have the willpower to wait a bit. On my birthday the guy who did this DID have certain dietary limitations, but he said he had no objections to where we were going when we organised it and he said that the only reason he wasn’t eating was because he already had. And, erm, he did actually steal a few chips off our plates…
My first thought was that they’re really short on money lately, and too embarrassed to mention it. They’d still like to see you but paying for a restaurant meal is too expensive, so they claim being full already. (That would explain the guy who ate a few of your chips, too.)
Could it be that, in the first instance, your friend went over budget on the expensive jewelry and was forced, financially, to forgo the meal because of the indulgence?
Seriously, is it possible these people could not afford it at that moment? That would be my assumption and would keep me from feeling the need to press them on it, out of tact.
Certainly I can see how it is annoying, but only minorly so. I would let it go.
I hadn’t thought of that. I’m sure it wasn’t the case in the first situation though since he’d dragged me banking with him (no, we’re not an old married couple) and I knew exactly how much money he had at the time. And it was plenty, for a student still living at home.
Second guy, I have no idea. They are both extremely blunt on the most part, so I don’t think tact or embarrassment would have been coming into play.
I periodically go out with a group of friends to a restaurant where it is understood that not everyone will be eating the same amount. Someone may have just an appetizer–or share an appetizer with a friend. Someone else may have dinner, and someone may have just dessert. All items ordered at more or less the same time, and delivered at more or less the same time. If the group is large enough, and the social aspects understood by all, this isn’t a problem. This works particularly well if one is say, going to a restaurant after bowling or something.
But I can sympathesize with feelings of discomfort if one is planning to eat together, and then someone just sits there are watches you eat.
I would just like to point out that just because it looks like he has money doesn’t mean that is actually the case. If you looked at my checking account right now I know I have at least $1000 in there. Most people would say that means I can afford to spend a bit, but they would be wrong. Rent is coming due soon and I have other financial obligations as well. Just because someone has a $20 in their pocket doesn’t mean that money isn’t ear marked for something else already.
I think it’s rude. If you’re friends and they have some good excuse, then they should be able to tell you instead of just blowing it off like eating before you meet to eat is a normal thing.
FWIW, my mom is utterly bitter about her sisters doing something like this to her. She says that when we were younger and had family get-togethers (that always included food), her sisters would be late because they stopped to eat somewhere. And no, it wasn’t because my mom is a bad cook. I don’t know how much this actually happened, but it happened enough that my mom still is mad about it. So I can feel your pain.
It would piss me off. My wife and I once invited a friend over for BBQ and beers. When he arrived at my place, he had a McDonalds bag in his hand. That pissed me off beyond all reason. He said he’d been starving and just didn’t want to wait another hour for the ribs to be done on the grill. I couldn’t get over it. I told him what a rude, childish cock I thought he was. He didn’t see the big deal. My wife took his side and told me to let it go. I tried, but I couldn’t. Sitting out there on the deck, tending my ribs and watching him stuff that damn cheeseburger into his face just got on my last nerve. I didn’t say any more about it but I was just fuming. He was oblivious.
When the ribs were done, of course, he wasn’t hungry anymore. I told him if I had to eat those ribs by myself, I was also going to smoke my weed by myself. Then he suddenly got his appetite back. The next day, he called and said he’d thought about it and realized it was a dick move to stop for a cheeseburger like that, and he apologized (then he asked if I had any more weed – prick).
I had a good friend that would go out with us all the time but never eat. In his particular case, he was a notoriously cheap guy. If we went anywhere that was not fast food, he would order a coke at most. Let me emphasize, he was not without funds or strapped in any way. He was simply a cheap guy. For the most part though, it was just a quirk of “cheap friend” and nobody ever let it bother them.
The only time it ever really bothered anybody was a mutual friends 21st birthday. Our mutual friend is a good friend of mine, but my cheap friend/mutual friend had known each other since they were kids. It was our mutual friends 21st- so not surprisingly we went out bar hopping. Cheap friend actually got angry, refused to get anything other than water because drinks were “too expensive”.
He is neither opposed to drinking, and again, not short of means. (Had he been opposed to drinking- we probably would have found something different for his involvement, were he short of means, we would happily have taken turns paying his way.) He was simply philosophically opposed to buying a drink at a bar when it would be cheaper to stay home and drink. For the love of God- loosen up. It’s your childhood friends 21st, you have the money, you can afford it, SPEND $20 AND JOIN THE PARTY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Some good suggestions and ideas I hadn’t considered. The dietary one strikes me as a strong possibility, as does the expense.
I have one more;
Timing.
If you invited me out to dinner at 9pm, well that’s WAY past when I would normally eat and chances are good that I wouldn’t wait that long. Sure, I’d come along, and I might order something small, but I’d have already eaten in most cases because of the time.
I used to work with people who wouldn’t go to lunch until 1:30pm or 2pm, and they’d occasionally invite me along. No, sorry, I’ve already eaten. Because I usually do not eat breakfast and instead, normally eat lunch at 11am. It kinda bothered them and they thought I was being unfriendly, so I did make the effort on occasion, but I also had to point out that they were eating at what to me was an unreasonably late hour and that it wasn’t personal excepting in that, you know, they could occasionally eat at 11am if they wanted to go with ME… (which I note, they never did)
Generally I don’t care. When it comes to casual “meeting up at a restaurant” gatherings or whatever, who cares if they don’t order something? The whole thing doesn’t have to be choreographed so that everyone is doing the same thing. It could be any number of reasons; shelling out the extra money for a restaurant meal is one possibility, there are also a number of other good reasons; it’s really none of my business. Whether or not they are straightforward about it or embarrassed or not or just don’t care to share their motivations – who cares? They’re there, they want to spend time with you.
Dio’s situation, though, is quite a bit different in my book. Having someone over to your house, when you’re doing the very personal favor of preparing a meal, requires a quite a bit more polity on the part of your guest. I would have been pissed off too (probably not to the point of confrontation; some people are just clueless rubes),
Seriously. Sometimes if the timing is off I’ll eat before going to a friend’s house for dinner - but only a small snack, and never in front of my host. That’s just rude.
I’ve done this kind of thing before. Usually as someone else mentioned it’s because the timing is off enough for me. I don’t see anything wrong with showing up to be sociable, but not purchasing food. I wouldn’t mind it if someone did it to me, either. Just because we’re in a restaurant talking to each other doesn’t mean I feel compelled to eat. I don’t see how it’s rude - you’re showing up and spending time with someone. Who cares if you put food in your mouth?