You had a funeral for a loved one. Was it a social necessity, or was it for your benefit?

In My Humble Opinion
21

My husband’s family doesn’t hold a funeral. They cremate the person and then wait about 6 months and hold a very informal remembrance service. It’s actually kind of nice because the drama of the moment is gone and then folks spend the day eating, drinking and telling tall tales about the departed. They usually plant the ashes with a tree so there is some physical activity for those who feel like digging, etc.

I held a small private service for my dad because he had been ill so long that he lost contact with his friends and most of the family was gone already. He had bought a plot, so I used it. I found this experience very unsatisfying because i had to deal with a funeral home/graveyard company and felt they were padding expenses. Chairs? $40.00. Washing and dressing $250. Transportation from parlour to grave site? $100. Ugh.

I held a public ceremony of ash spreading for my sister because she died suddenly in her prime and had a lot of friends and coworkers that seemed to want a service. This one did feel a bit like an obligation, but I didn’t mind doing it because folks desired it. Really, most of it was planned or suggested by her friends and they seemed happy to participate and make arrangements, and I appreciated the help.

If your parents still have social connections or church or other organization family, you might like to have a service. You can do any kind you (or the surviving spouse might) like. My church is very flexible- a full-on service with casket/body or a more light and sedate remembrance much later. Our church property has a lot of benches and tree plantings in the name of someone. And often it is nice to meet folks who have interesting stories to tell about your departed; things you didn’t know about.

22

I don’t believe in open casket funerals and neither does any of my family so those are out. I have never seen a dead person and had any positive experience from it. The few open casket funerals that I have been to were for either friends or people I didn’t even know very well and I wish I wished that I never got in line to look at all. I am not squeamish at all in general but nobody looks good in a casket even with makeup and nice clothes.

My close family only does cremations and some branches do not do funerals either. I favor the latter although we had a funeral when my infant daughter died. There was a nice show of support in general but I barely remember the funeral itself. I could have done without it just as well.

Some people advocate the idea of ‘closure’ and I can honestly say that I do not understand the concept at all. I get as much closure as I ever will as soon as some one tells me the news but some feelings remain forever. There is no magic ceremony that can affect that process in the slightest. I feel the same way about people that insist that their loved ones remains are retrieved from some odd location (sometimes at great risk to others) so that they can be reburied in another spot. It makes no sense to me and would likely have a counterproductive emotional effect of drawing the whole thing out even longer by introducing needless complications.

23

You don’t have to have a traditional funeral, but I think it’s important to do something to mark the occasion, for you and for your parents’ friends and the rest of the family.

My dad didn’t want a funeral, so when he died, my stepmother had him cremated and didn’t have one. His employer planted a tree in his honor a month after he died, and the immediate family went to that small ceremony along with his co-workers. Some of my half-siblings live overseas, so we waited until they were all able to be here, and the family, along with the ex-wife who immediately preceded his widow, scattered his ashes in the mountains about four years after his death. We never did have a general gathering, and I still kind of feel like something’s missing.

When my mother-in-law died suddenly, we had a very simple funeral with a closed casket on my in-laws’ property (it was a fairly simple matter to have a quarter acre of their land designated as a family cemetery by the county). Family members who wanted to see her before she was buried were able to do that at the funeral home right before they closed the casket and transported her to the gravesite, but she wasn’t embalmed. The neighbors found someone to make her coffin, a plain pine one, and they dug the grave as well. We had a graveside service and afterwards everyone gathered at the house to eat and talk. Friends and neighbors brought food, so the family had to do very little (some very close friends even came and helped clean the house the day before).

My mother died, also suddenly, two months later. She had always said she didn’t want a funeral and she didn’t want anyone “viewing” her, so we had her cremated immediately. My brother and I felt like we had to do something for her friends and family, so we had a small gathering a few weeks later. We rented a meeting room at a hotel, hired a caterer to make some substantial snacks, and put out pictures and memorabilia along with a guest book for people to sign. Quite a few people came, and it was really a good experience to have all her friends and family sharing memories of her.

The thing about a funeral or a memorial is that no one expects you to be happy or convivial. You’re allowed to be sad and to cry, and you might be surprised by how comforting it can be to have other people who also miss your parent to talk to. And, believe me, you’ll also get plenty of time to work through it alone. That’s something you’ll probably be doing for a long, long time.

24

When my father died there was a huge funeral ordeal. I think my mother regretted it. I and one of my sisters found it horrific. My other four siblings seemed okay with it.

My late husband did not want a funeral and I did not have one. There was a tiny amount of pressure (I think solely from people on the internet) that not having one would be terrible. I’ve never regretted it.

25

Mind my asking, jsgoddess, what sort of ordeal?

To me having defined rituals to follow is helpful. Simple wood box. Simple service. A few people say things. Ceremonial shovel of dirt into the grave. Defined period of company after the fact, usually something so and so would have enjoyed. Headstone a year later. (Jewish customs in my case.)

I am not a believer in a god who cares or in an everlasting soul but I found that having it spelled out what should be done, by ritual rules, helped even my four dysfunctional siblings manage to get through two parent deaths without much … additional … conflicts. We are all still dysfunctional with each other but for that we each knew how we were supposed to behave and what we were supposed to do. No one acted out. (Oh okay, one sister insisted on hosting her own Shiva house.) And my kids now have some experience with loss and how to process it. My or my wife’s (or a partner’s) death should not be the first time they have gone through the process. (Also my wife’s Dad dead.) Grief is a skill too, they should be prepared. They should see it modelled.

Happy that you chose the option that worked for you and yours though.

26

Its one way to bring closure, and to reflect.

27

My father’s circle of family and friends was enormous. We had three days of visitation, each for at least four hours, with an endless parade of well-wishers. We were all utterly exhausted at the end of it, and my mother was ill with fatigue, but she felt that she couldn’t disappear even for a few minutes because people would expect her to be there the whole time.

28

I showed up to lend my strength to the grieving.

29

It was neither a social necessity, nor for my benefit. First and foremost it was for the benefit of the deceased: a requiem mass offered for the repose of his soul.

Of course it also allowed family and friends to come together and mourn.

30

I am haunted that I pressured my mom to going to my little brother’s funeral when he died at age 31 about 25 years ago. Some nonsense about closure was in my head, and I parroted it. It sure didn’t bring me any closure, and, I doubt she got any. He was dead, we effing knew it. What more is needed? There was a lot of expense, the only pastor available wasa horse’s ass of a preacher that was senile or just a dipshit, even mispronounced my brother’s name, and pointed out that he never even knew the deceased.
Nobody really came, since my brother had been ill for a few years, and only had about 2 friends, and we buried him 2 days after he died.
Had to line up pall bearers, and go to the only church that my brother had ever gone to, and hadn’t attended in 5 years, and eat shit being cross-examined by the pastor.
His neck looked as if he had swallowed a spoon, and the rest of him looked as if it had been covered in wax.
Felt like a bigger asshole/victim for having the funeral than not. I got closure, alright-no more funerals for me!
In short, it was a social necessity; the funeral wasn’t for me, my mother, or my brother-it was for the fucks who write reports and put them in textbooks that say we need ‘closure’.

31

Sigh. My mother-in-law died a week ago today, so I’m in the middle of this. Her wishes were to have no funeral service, no viewing, no obituary, just cremation.

We arranged for a direct cremation which is thankfully legal here in California, so no embalming.

We are of course following her wishes, so my husband and I will take her on one last sail and will scatter her ashes at sea. We’ll then go back to our sailing club and ring the ship’s bell 8 times to mark the end of her watch, then we’ll probably have a drink of Scotch in her memory.

Obviously this is all for us because my mother-in-law is dead now and can neither feel the wind on her face, hear the bells, see our tears, nor, sadly, taste the Highland Park.

32

I organised my dad’s funeral. It was pretty, and I’m happy to have done so, but it was definitely more for the benefit of others than me. For people that may not have seen him for several years, it was more important, as I’d esentially “lost” him to dementia about two to three years previously. Had long since done my grieving.

What was probably more special to me was committing his ashes to Sydney Harbour at three in the morning. He’d been born in a house on the shore at that time. The funeral, not so much.

33

I think there is no closure in losing a loved one. There are various things that can be done to recognize the value of the person lost and the enormity of the loss.

Some families choose funerals.

I planned both my mother’s and my father’s. Initially I did it because I knew it was part of their lifestyle. (About a year before he died my father came to dinner in a new suit in the middle of the summer. Now ask yourself what eighty-plus man buys an expensive new suit? And wears it in the heat of summer? I knew that was his way of telling me it was his funeral suit.)

I helped my mother shop for her funeral dress.

So I thought of the funerals as my final gift to them.

While the funerals were occurring I felt very much as though the funeral was for me and my family. And now that time has passed and I reminisce I feel as though I hosted their friends and coworkers and invited them to an opportunity to begin grieving. Or not.

My biggest hassle was dealing with the undertaker. There was much in his solicitous manner that tempted me to sharp words. I look forward to the day when we can begin having natural burials again.

I’d like a home-made box and a hole in the back yard with the many (illegally) buried kitties. Don’t think my family will be able to manage that, though.

34

With my Dad, it was mostly for the rest of the family and his friends. Especially since it was held in a church that says I’m going to hell, with a pastor that did the ‘altar call’ bit and decided I wasn’t allowed to play the piano for my Dad’s favorite hymn…I would’ve been happier without. (The piano bit is because they consider any singing to be worship and with me being gay that would be wrong)

Under other circumstances I might feel differently about funerals.

35

I’m always amazed at the number of folks who seem to think that a funeral has anything at all with granting the wishes of a dead person. Funerals are supposed to be for the people who are left to grieve.

I would feel really shitty if I left my family a list of instructions for when I died. I would want them to grieve in the best way they know how, if at all. They are the ones who need to be comfortable with the mourning process, not me.

36

I lost my child. The short wake and funeral were more of an obligation/ social custom and conformity than any kind of comfort. I think I can affirm that was also the case for his Dad and my remaining son.

We did break with custom in my part of the world ( southern U.S.) by having both on the same day… A viewing for about an hour and half before funeral.
I found the after funeral dinner to be especially difficult. Everyone was laughing , and acting like they were at a really great free buffet. I was so relieved when the whole ordeal - starting as soon as I got home from the hospital and being told of his death - of having to literally entertain people and not getting a moment alone with just my husband and son over with.

I am sure I sound terribly ungrateful and I genuinely believe most people hearts were absolutely in the right place. It is simply we as a family have never been particularly social, leaning far more toward private and our lives felt ripped apart and raw.
This is only how I felt … I a pretty sure we are just a bit weirder than most people.

37

I found my husband’s memorial service to be comforting. It wasn’t very traditional, and was very personalized. The minister was there to be the emcee and to say a final prayer. The other speakers were his brother-in-law, his brother, and my best friend (who read Stop All The Clocks). Our nephew-in-law sang. I had his body cremated, so there was no viewing. We did have flowers and enlargements of photographs Rick had taken, as well as a few personal items.

Likewise, my mom’s memorial service was very non-traditional. I rented a function room at a local historic home, and provided baked goods, as my mom loved to bake. The program even had a favorite recipe of hers on the back. Again, the minister was just the emcee and the people who spoke were her daughters and a few close friends. It was very “her,” including the fact that she had always wanted to donate her body to science, so it was miles away at the time.

I highly recommend doing what feels right to you, and what seems to fit the person you are honoring.

38

No, a lot of people feel that way me included. Traditional viewing periods and funerals are anachronistic custom that happens to survive to the present day because most people don’t have that much experience with them and they are simply told that is what you must do when the worst case happens. Part of it is driven by older and very religious people who are ritual oriented and an even bigger part is driven by the funeral industry itself which is no different than the wedding industry or the holiday industry. It is big money and they have a vested interest to make people go along with what they want when people are at their most vulnerable.

Like I said earlier, I don’t believe in the concept of ‘closure’ at all or really even understand what it means. It is a pop psychology idea that doesn’t have any factual grounding yet people give it as a fundamental reason to have a funeral. If such a thing did exist, it certainly wouldn’t be helped along by any sort of formal event at least for me or my family. From my personal experience, the only reason I ever went along with funeral plans wasn’t for me or for the dead. It was because it was simply easier than resisting and explaining at the time. I wish that pressure did not exist.

39

My dad died about 27 days ago and I really could have done without all the ritual. By god, we got through it quickly, though. He died on a saturday, we had the viewing on Tuesday and he was in the ground Wednesday. I hate having to deal with all the people. I also hate having to deal with the funeral home. I know dad would have hated it too. He’s the one who trained me in the ways of stinginess. I know they are a business and I don’t begrudge them a profit. But I LIKE a plain, unadorned, low-cost funeral. I was glad to see that mom bargained the guy down a few thousand, at least. And I let my cheapness flag fly a little when choosing the coffin and flowers. That was MY tribute to dear old dad.

ETA: the one part of the whole experience that was worth a damn to me was breaking out all the boxes of old pictures with the visiting relatives. At least then we could think about dad for what he actually did and experienced.

40

As I said upthread, my brother in law died - two years ago this June - young.

My mother in law, who didn’t want a big reception, is now ready for a memorial. She wants to do some sort of big remembrance thing. What I’ve tried to warn her about is most people have moved on. Its interesting to listen to her talk about what we need to do so people can remember him - and you realize that what she needs is comfort that other people remember him. And, of course, other people do - but you can only expect people to give you so much time for events.

(Two years and she still uses present tense. She is never going to get “closure” no matter what she does - but she also keeps picking at the scab.)