"If you are a not one’s grandson, nephew or niece and you are ringing to make a prank call, please hang up now and dial 101 and leave your details with the nice lady or gentleman.
Additionally, for notifications concerning any apparent injury or illness of one’s corgis or horses, please hang up now and dial one’s direct priority mobile phone immediately.
For notifications concerning injury or illness to one’s family members, please press 1, and leave a message after the tone.
If you are a Head of State, please press 2. Please note, while the sun may never set on one’s Empire, one nonetheless usually retires shortly after the sun sets in England and one’s graces are seldom willingly bestowed on those who wake one at 3am.
For enquiries concerning official openings or launches of major infrastructure or similar, please press 3. For official openings of envelopes, please contact Sarah, Duchess of York whose details can be found in most places…"
“If you wish to book a royal visit, please press 7 and enter your governmental access code. If you do not have a governmental access code, please enter your telephone number. One of our Royal Household Agents will contact you.”
“At the tone, one will know that the time at Buckingham Palace is… 8:43.”
“One is frostily advised that this is not a royal phone sex line.”
“If one is seeking employment as part of the Household staff, one should first check gimmearoyaljob.gov.uk and carefully review the newly-revised, ironclad 73-page nondisclosure agreement there.”
“If one is calling from another constitutional monarchy, press 1. If one is calling from a multiparty republic, press 2. If one is calling from a tyrannical, autocratic, police or one-party state, one should be prepared to hold indefinitely.”
“If one is a young foreign woman seeking to have a brief, tawdry but strangely fulfilling relationship with Prince Harry, one should dial Kensington Palace directly. One should be advised that they are presently experiencing heavy call volume.”
“If one is Lyndon LaRouche or an adherent thereof, one should press 1 for heroin purchases, 2 for cocaine, 3 for marijuana, 4 for meth, and 5 for all other illicit substances, then specify the amount desired, in tons, by using one’s keypad.”
“If you are calling to advise Her Majesty that you approve of her job performance, press 5.
If you are calling to adviser Her Majesty that you disapprove of her job performance, also press 5”
[5]
“Her Majesty has asked me to inform you that you really need to work on your understanding of the fundamental nature of a monarchy. Good day.”
