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The BBQ Pit
141

I am depressed. My life is so depressing that I feel like opening the gun safe, pulling out the desert eagle and shooting myself up through the mouth. I fucking hates it when this happens. I thought that living with the love of my life would make me feel better, but now I know that I’m just dragging him down too.

And, I also know that things aren’t that bad, my husband loves me, our dog is a silly belly rub needing pooch and most of the cats want scritches. Steve even rubbed on my leg today, no scritches involved.

I still want so much to open the safe and just get this shit over with.

142

You need to talk to a doctor, and soon. Please do. We like you around here.

And yes, I do know exactly how you feel. About 20 years ago, I found myself looking at a nice deep river and thinking about swimming halfway out. I figured I might get about halfway because I’m not a strong swimmer, and it was a wide, swift river. I got myself to a doctor after that, and while it’s not entirely all the way better, it is so very far better than it was (as long as I remember to take my medicine regularly).

143

My main bad habit is I spend an average of $5/day on lottery tickets. Today I splurged and bought a $10 scratch-off. I scratched it off and appeared to win my $10 back. I went to redeem it at the convenience store near my house where I always take my winners. When the clerk scanned the ticket, the machine said my ticket had already been redeemed at another retailer. I’m a regular there and the clerk knows I wouldn’t commit lottery fraud, but there was nothing he could do to help me get my money. I would’ve just spent the money on a ticket of the same type anyway. I actually spent another $5 on another scratch-off. I’m typing this up before I’ve played it. If karma was real, it’d be another winner though.

144

And yet depression doesn’t give a shit because that’s what it does. Please, if you won’t see a doctor ASAP, at least make an appointment with a therapist, or at least check Amazon for a cognitive behavioral therapy workbook on dealing with depression (don’t recall the name, sorry, but that should do it). Or even if you do make an appointment, I still recommend that workbook - CBT helps you focus on stopping or destroying those self-sabotaging spirals of dark thoughts.

145

{{{{{{flatlined}}}}}}

I know that feeling all too well. I hope you can find some relief from it.

146

I will not buy another Toyota because of this. The damn dealership closest to me closes at 6 pm. You can’t pick up your car after 6. Such a pain in the ass.

My wife has a Honda. Their service department is open until 10pm 5 nights a week! We drop off her car at 6, do a little shopping, eat dinner, and then pick her car up around 8. It’s awesome.

147

In the pit of my despair, I didn’t get help because my life wasn’t “bad enough” to warrant feeling the way I did. Please know that depression doesn’t care if you are poor or rich, have an easy life or a hard one. It’s real and it is not shameful to need help.

In other news, yesterday was my first Mother’s Day as a mom. It went really well. I got a luxurious, 20 minute long bath, dinner and chocolates and my husband brought me flowers. Baby gave me lots of smiles too. She smiled at me at freaking 12:30 this morning after not sleeping for more than ten minutes since 5 pm last night. She just did not want to sleep. And when she did, I wasted it doing things that are not sleep. Maybe by my next Mother’s Day, we will have this whole sleeping thing figured out.

148

The book might be The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns (I kept thinking Frank Burns - that’s a whole 'nother thing :smiley: ). I’ve read studies that say bibliotherapy in conjunction with medication or talk therapy is very effective for depression and anxiety.

I’m another faceless internet person pulling for you, flatlined. I hope you can find your way back to feeling okay very soon.

149

I am glad you came here to post this, flatlined, because this shows that you have taken step one which is being able to admit you’re depressed and all the happy thinking in the world won’t fix it. But please go on to step two, which is seeking help. I did talk therapy for a long time and believe in it firmly, but I know it’s not the answer for everyone. Sometimes medication is the answer. One of the fun things about depression is that you can’t take a test to see what will work; you just gotta try stuff. My actual best solution turned out to be a book, The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression. I highly recommend this but I know that if your issue is chemical imbalance you will need more. Just try to do this: every time you feel this way, come to the Dope! We all think you are swell and we will help in any way we can. And, many of us have been there too.

ETA David Burns stuff is really good too.

150

I’m glad Mother’s Day is over. I have a bit of an odd, awkward relationship with my mother, and seeing all those posts on Facebook about how my friends all have the “best mother ever” was a bit hard. Not as bad as last year, but still.

{{flatlined}} I understand how you feel.

151

flatlined, I know how you feel. The only reason I didn’t drive myself to the nearest bridge and jump into the reservoir was because it was February and it was frozen over. I started intensive outpatient therapy the very next week. I’ve been on medication for years, but it just wasn’t enough anymore. I finally got my ADHD diagnosis and added a med for that. Plus seven weeks of intensive therapy were really helpful. It’s not a guaranteed fix because you have to be willing to make it work but things really do seem a lot less hopeless now.

152

I came in here to gripe about how my A/C has gone out for the third year in a row, but I think I’ll just send hugs and healing thoughts to flatlined instead.

Hang in there, I don’t know if it helps any to know you helped me immensely when I was going through my awful job issues.

153

-hugs and healing thoughts for flatlined- if you need help, make a call. There are hot lines, like the suicide hotline and such to talk to people and get you help. Depression sucks, I know from past experience. MI has touched my family in a variety of ways, including my uncle taking his life and I’d hope you take advantage of people who can help.

154

Thanks guys. I’m not going to do anything stupid. It would be horribly unfair to Bill, and I’m trapping in a new area. Someone has to think about the cats!!!

Besides…morbid humor here…as a responsible gun owner…I’d need to overdose or something. I don’t want people to say things like “of course she shot herself, they have enough guns in their home to arm a small army.”

That is honestly the same reason I wear a helmet when I’m riding. If I go down under the wheels of a semi truck and get splattered all over the road…I don’t want people saying “oh, if only she was wearing a helmet.”

I have no problem with better living through chemistry. I know that something is wrong, so I told Bill on the way to work this morning. How’s that for starting the day right? “Honey, I love you to bits…but I’m so depressed that I’m having serious suicidal thoughts”.

His last wife was seriously depressed during the last year of her life. She was dying of cancer, I think she had good reasons to be depressed. He said he had been worried about me because he saw me retreating just like she did. He also made an appointment with a therapist for me because he knew I wouldn’t do it. And he’s right, I wouldn’t have…it just seemed like too much bother.

This has happened before, its like the world is now just shades of gray, there is no joy or color left. I play with the cats because they need the exercise, not because I enjoy it. I’ve “gotten” over it before, but the world never seems so bright. I don’t like this and I want it to stop.

Plus, its pissing me off. I deserve to be happy and enjoy life, god damnit. When I’m not thinking about ways to kill myself, I’m pissed off that I’m actually thinking about it in a really strange way.

“hmmmm…can’t shoot myself, what else can I use? Pills? Looks in medicine cabinet…20 expired soma probably won’t do it. Crash the car into a bridge at 80 mph? Risky, its a new car with all the safety devices. Probably will just end up in a wheelchair. Ride my bike off a pier and explode into a flaming ball of glory? That’s never going to work, and even if it did, it would probably hurt a lot and I’d float and someone would rescue me, so would end up in a burn unit missing my fingers and toes and eyes.”

I should not be thinking this way. I’m not a 16 year old emo. My appointment is tomorrow. When my husband asked me if he should change the combination to the gun safes, I told him that I would tell him when he should. I’m not going to use a gun. And apparently I’m not going to use razor blades either. I’d have to make a special effort to get some because we both use disposable shavers. That’s way too much bother, besides…media lies…I’ll bet it really hurts.

155

Hi flatlined, I was getting worried since you hadn’t posted since that scary one yesterday. I’m glad you have an appointment. If you need to try some medication to get the world back into Kodachrome, I think it’s a good thing. And if you’re willing to do the talk therapy that might help with weaning off the meds eventually (or figure out your brain really needs the chemical help), that’s a really good thing, too. Lots of folks want to see you sticking around for a good long while!

156

flatlined, another one chiming in here about yes, it will get better if you get help. There were many times I was suicidal but didn’t do anything because who would take care of the dogs? And in a weird way, deciding one can’t kill oneself just makes it all worse. Good luck and keep us updated!

157

No you’re not! And damnit woman, if you shoot yourself and deprive me of pre-selected lolcats I’ll come kill you!

I’m sorry you’re depressed and glad you’ve got Bill and us imaginary friends. And lolcats. And Lucky…

What I was coming to say: the electrician recommended by my cousin as being “totally trustworthy” may be trustworthy but he’s also unprofessional, clumsy, bad at following instructions, has missed four days (three of them without any kind of warning or messages)… The good news is, between this and Ms Law Degree consulting her no-law-degree coworkers on the subject of rental laws (rather than, say, the new rental law published last year), I now have solid and evident grounds to give to any future recommendations on her part the treatment they deserve.

Now the question is, should I alphabetize them under G for Garbage or T for Trash?

158

“F” for Fantasy, or “I” for “In your DREAMS”.

159

How about B for Basura?

160

I remember the day I woke up and realized the world had color again. The sun was shining and the fall leaves were all the shades of a sunset. I noted to myself that it was a gorgeous day and, a second later, realized that I hadn’t felt like that about a day in a long time. I realized I was finally getting better.

However, this is a minipit thread so I should be mad. And I am. I have stupid, irrational anxiety about going to the dentist. Last night, after five days of tooth pain and eight years without a routine visit, I went in. The dental hygienist cleaned an embarrasing amount of plaque off my teeth and took about 16 X-rays. The good news was that my gums are good and all I really need to work on is flossing. The bad news is that I have five small cavities that need filled, both of my existing root canals need to be redone and my hurty tooth also needs a root canal. It’s so expensive sounding and I am terrified just thinking about them drilling on my teeth.