You want to park your car here again? Fine. I'll help you park it for a LONG time!

The BBQ Pit
21

byz, could you explain your street parking/sweeping rules??

where i once lived no one was allowed to park on that side of the street during sweeping hours, if you left your car there you received a ticket with a hefty fine attached

with my horrible neighbor, who defies description, i stayed legal, never used skunk spray (which sounds really cool), however i would throw the garbage that he tossed in my yard right back in his yard, and one evening, very late, i noticed him, his psycho bi-otch wife, and their unfortunate children loading up a u-haul and moving out. two weeks later someone from some bank came knocking on our door asking if we had seen the neighbors, apparently they had not been paying their mortgage and had to sneak away… i laughed inside for about 8 days, i still laugh when i think about it

i saw the ex neighbor about 3 months later and gave him the most smug, arrogant, “fuck you buddy” smile that i could, and again laughed my ass off

good luck with your neighbor, i like the advice of parking your car in front of your house until sweep time

22

Why don’t you just call a towing outfit the next time he does that? (You can call from a pay phone if necessary)

Tell them that the car broke down, and that you live just across the street. Give them his address and phone number(you might want to get a guy friend to help you with this). He’ll get his car back, eventually, and for a cost, and you’ll get your side of the street cleaned.

23

I might take an idea from the movie “Mitchell” (which, by the way, I recommend that no one watch, unless it’s the MST3K version): I might get some lipstick (flourescent if possible) and write something embarrassing on his windshield, possibly on both doors as well. Maybe something along the lines of “I’M AN INCONSIDERATE JERK WHO IGNORES REASONABLE REQUESTS FROM MY NEIGHBORS BECAUSE ALL I THINK ABOUT IS MY DAMNED SELF” or “THIS PIECE OF CRAP BELONGS TO THE LAZY BASTARD WHO LIVES ACROSS THE STREET”

(This is much better than Linda Evans simply writing “JERK” on Mitchell’s car)

I don’t know. Maybe bird seed on top of his car? Birds eat. Then they…

A meaner approach might be to rent two cars, or otherwise trap him so he can’t get out.

24

I live in a duplex. My neighbor and I each have a car. Our driveway is such that both of us can park and get in and out just fine. A third car will block him in, and a fourth car will also block me in.

That being the case, I have trained all my friends who come over (not that many, really, other than the GF) to park in the spaces across the street, which are almost always available. If someone pulls up into the driveway, I have them move over there if they’re going to stay for a while.

My neighbor, however, has lots of friends who come over to drink Natural Light and listen to bad music. Several times a week, I will go out to my car and find myself blocked in. To his credit, he will always immediately let me out, but these are the same people over here all the damn time–he could just tell them to park across the damn street. I’ve nudged them in this direction, but they can’t seem to get it through their simian skulls.

Oh well. I feel better now.

Along the lines of Mr. Z’s phone prank–the best I ever pulled was on a college R.A. who was pissing me off. I and several of his residents each took a section of the Yellow Pages, and stayed up much of the night just leaving messages on the machines of various businesses with his number and asking if they would please call him when they get a chance. We had to have left 500 messages. His phone rang off the hook for three days. Give it a thought.

Dr. J

25

Did you know that with the right equipment you can get up to 750 feet per second out of a potato gun? Did you know that a decent sized Idaho russet weighs in at over a pound? Did you know that said russet exiting said potato gun at specified velocity will pass right through the side of most cars and scatter high speed instant french fries all over hell and back? That’s what I hear, anyway.

Paintball guns are accurate out to over 100 feet. Ammo is available in a variety of vivid and revolting colors. No karma damage required, the water based stuff washes off easily (at least with clothes, might want to verify with cars). You don’t even have to buy any hardware, you can rent the whole works including ammo for under 75 clams. Tell 'em you want the variety pack of colors. Crank down the speed or you might cause little dents.

{Several injury or death inducing ideas deleted, damn this conscience anyway.}

Take a razor knife and slide under the nose of his car. You’ll see a big 2" diameter black rubber hose going from the engine to the radiator. Carefully slice a couple inches lengthwise, nearly but not quite through the rubber. If done right it will appear to be road damage from something he drove over. Sit back and wait for his smoking wreck to be towed home. Best done on a dark night, severe karma damage required.

Sneak into his house while he’s away at work. Leave a juicy pair of your thong panties in the closet near his wife’s shoes. Wait for the porcelain to fly. Karma issues.

Rig up a can of pepper spray to hose down the inside of his car when the dome light comes on.

Blow up his mailbox.

Spells out “I’m a rude selfish dick” on his lawn with Roundup. If he lives the rest of his life the way he parks, it could be from just about anybody. Best if you can get a sample of his wife’s handwriting.

Carefully position a counterfeit winning lottery ticket on the ground next to the driver’s door. He might not notice, but the cost is low. And what a ride if he does pick it up. Careful of the fingerprints on this one.

Same trick as above only with your best counterfeit $100 bill. Observe with amusement his wife bailing him out of jail, the flying porcelain, the federal agents.

Leave a huge splat of fake vomit on his windsheild. For added realism, use an entire can of Campbell’s condensed cream of broccoli. What the heck, go for real vomit.

Tape a string of fake bullet holes down the side of a fender.

Get someone to lay down on the street next to his driver’s door. Outline them with chalk, then spill half a bottle of ketchup right around where the guts would be. Scatter a few empty .45 caliber shell casings. Cordon off the whole area with yellow plastic tape. Watch him try to get into his car without touching any of the above.

Steal a car, careen down your street, sideswipe the dog shit out of his car knocking it up onto your lawn, dump the stolen car, sue him for damage to your lawn… Too complicated.
Hey, I’m trying for the title of ‘Most Vindictive Motherfucker in tha Pit’ here. What’s it gonna take already? Geez, you guys is a tuff crowd.

26

Get some automotive fluid of your choice (trannie fluid, antifreeze, etc…) and squirt it on the ground underneath his engine compartment. Make sure to do this daily wherever he parks his car. If he’s even a little bit observant he will notice this and worry that he’s got a leaking gasket or worse. He’ll probably spend a small fortune in shop fees and cab fare trying to correct his mysterious engine problem.

A variation on the “potato in the tailpipe” trick is to squirt some of that handy expanding foam insulation into the car exhaust. Don’t be stingy either–fill that muffler up. They will literally have to cut the back half of the exhaust off and replace it.

Sprinkle some lovely berries on top of his car and let the little birds have a feast. When they’re done they will “repaint” his car the all-natural way.

Mind you, I’ve never done this stuff; however, thinking it up is a great way of draining off hostile feelings. You have to admit, though, these suggestions look pretty fail-safe…

27

I’m inclined more toward the “prank/inconvenience” than the “revenge” on this one, since you don’t hate the person, just what they’re doing. Possible tactics:

Paint some nice gummy soft tar under his car door handles. Or pick something equally sticky and hard to clean off.

Open his gas cap and leave open. Take a mostly-empty bag of sugar and liberally sprinkle some around the cap, the entrance to the tank, and the ground. Then, leave the bag either on the car near the cap or next to it on the ground, where he’ll see it. He’ll think he’s been sugared, and will probably have the car towed and checked out, all for naught but a nice bill.

Remove hubcaps and put ball bearings/marbles/gravel inside. They’ll rattle like hell until he gets up to high speed, then start again when he slows down.

One thing I really need to do: get a bunch of 12" x 12" stickers with really gummy glue on the back printed with an appropriate message, like “WAY TO PARK, ACE”. When this moron or anyone else you come across is parked stupidly or inconveniently (like un-handicapped assholes who park in handicapped spaces), slap one of your stickers right in the middle of their windshield.

Of course, if you want to do real damage, there were plenty of good suggestions already. If you can get under his hood, the most evil tactic I’ve heard is this: marine shops sell containers of a sort of liquid fiberglass that’s intended to repair boat hulls. It hardens to the solidity of hard plastic. Get some, then add to oil. Shortly, his engine will lock into a block of useless metal.

28

Doesn’t work, and it takes waaaaaaay to long to apply even if it did. Best way is to take a 1 gallon jug of antifreeze (ethylene glycol) and write as you pour. It will quickly create a “dead zone” that has to be dug up and re-sodded. Spectacular results, speaking from experience. I know of one “dead zone” that 4 years afterwards not even weeds will grow in it.

Big downside is, stray animals may lick it while it’s on the ground, and while killing grass is one thing (low Karma damage) killing kitties is another (extremely high Karma damage). If conditions are right, though, it will soak into the ground in 5 minutes and it’s pretty safe then. Except for things in the ground.

BTW: You say you’ve talked to him about it, and you say you don’t want to damage Karma, and apparantly the guy isn’t breaking any laws. You’ve set yourself up in an impossible situation. One of these things has to happen, or there will be no resolution:

  1. He has to spontaneously stop parking his car there (not likely).
  2. He will listen to your reasoning, and stop his actions (doesn’t seem likely).
  3. The car has to be illegal or illegally parked so the autorities can deal with it (once again, sounds like this won’t happen).
  4. You give him a reason to stop. (requires you stop the “Karma damage” trip).

Otherwise, you are doomed. My experience with bad neighbors is that people are rude, ignorant, selfish, narcissistic fucks until you give them a financial reason not to be.

And if you DO decide to do something evil, ignore all of the elaborate schemes. With revenge, the simple methods are the best in that they are most likely to work. If nothing else, the Ball-Peen Hammer to the Windshield at 2:00 AM is fast, quiet (the safety glass dampens most of the noise), and makes the point.

Boy I can be a real bitch, huh?

29

Okay, a lot of fun revenge/prank tactics here. But I think the most effective way of keeping him from parking there would be to just park there yourself. Make up a reason why you need to keep your regular parking space clear, and park on the street.

Park in front of his house, exactly the same way he’s parking in front of yours. Again, make up a reason why you don’t want to park in your driveway. (Don’t say, “To teach you a lesson.” That will make him try to piss you off even more.)

You could ask the city, as noted before, to set up “no parking for street sweeping” days. Personally, I don’t like that system; but if it works for you, you can cause him some small financial grief. (I think here, the fine is about $18.)

It’s fun to think about damaging his car, but think of the consequences. How’d you like to have your paint-job keyed? Your tires flattened? Your fuel sugared? Best not to play that game.

30

On killing grass: yet another option is available at your local home center. It’s called TRIOX - Total Vegetation Killer. Guaranteed, nothing will grow there for at least a year. Use gloves, and to avoid greater karmic damage, give the dripline of trees a very large space cushion.

31

I’m fond of the limburger-cheese-on-the-engine-block routine, myself. Makes a nasty smell, but leaves no permanent damage.

Goldie

32

Ah Duck Duck Goose, we meet again for the first time! Thank you for the info! NOW I know what they are. Excellent! (ala Mr. Burns!)

Mr.Zambezi – you MUST know Hayduke… you really must… you wicked man! Great ideas!

i1055 – I’d explain the rules if we actually had them. They don’t sweep the streets on any kind of schedule. They just go around the cars there. I asked them what I’m supposed to do in my situation and, remarkably, I got a lot of ideas like Mr.Zambezi’s… My tax dollars at work…

Initial Entry – another good idea but as there is no “rule”… alas…

DRY – ah, finally we meet in the livingroom! (Human Duplicators). I love the MST Mitchell! Nice idea but I don’t wear lipstick… but I’m sure for what, three bucks, I could buy some? Cash, of course. In another town…

DoctorJ – similar in that the spaces are public. I don’t mind folks parking over here if they are visiting but when they park here to provide more spaces for their friends, taking spaces away from the folks who live here… I like that phone thing… shame on you for making me consider it! Are you trying to ruin my good karma?

speakeasy – oh you sick, twisted fuck! Can I have your evil children?

Guy Incognito – had to take a pee break when I saw your use for that expanding foam… got stuck with a can when I found out it wasn’t a good idea to put it around my new windows (violates the warrantee). I was wondering WHAT to do with that can. That I paid cash for. In another city…

MaxTorque – nice, subtle… evil without the real evil.
NEW! Genuine imitation evil! GIE! Ask for it by name!
Someone like you I don’t want to piss off because I’ll never KNOW that you got me back!

Anthracite – good point. Some of that shit can hurt their pup or mine! I really don’t want to kill grass or anything else… but it IS fun to think about, isn’t it?

Johnny L.A.– yeah, that’s my point. I don’t have the fanciest ride in town but I don’t want it screwed with either. And he ISN’T breaking any laws. He’s being an asshole but so far there isn’t a law against that. I like to THINK about all those nasty revenge ideas but to actually do one? No. It’s just not me. But I think by using my own car, parking here until they come (I can hear them a block off) is the real ticket. I can preserve most of my “space” and it’s unlikely he can move his car into it by the time they come.

24KaratGold – ah, stench without harm. Interesting!

Thanks everyone! I think I’m going to start using my own car to block and minimize his. It seems fair. It seems like the best way to make him see that what he is doing is really rude.

33

Wow! There are some great ideas here. I live in a building with a parking lot in which a whole lot of residents double park. I think I just might try a couple of these out (with my own car parked safely far away, natch.)

34

What you want is something that seems like permanent damage and yet goes away, to preserve your kharma?
pour some beer into the air vent at the base of the windshield. Day one, smells like beer. Day 2 old beer. Day 3, lingering-dead-animal. May take a while, but eventually disappears, especially in rain.

The biggest problem with tricks? This isn’t a courtroom:

  • it’s not whether you were caught doing it,
  • it is whether you’re the only on who would want to.

Always be careful starting games two people can play.

(If you don’t drink, a little gasoline, very little, is similar but they have to blame the car. Watch them air it out for days.)