You want to park your car here again? Fine. I'll help you park it for a LONG time!

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m sick to death of my neighbor parking his car in front of my house every time the street sweepers come through. His part gets all cleaned up and mine must be done by me, by hand, because he parks over here on the street sweeper days. No, not once, not twice, but now SIX times in a row!

What the hell am I to do? I muck it out yeah, but it’s nice when they come through and give it that sweep. But he always parks over here. What the fuck should I do?

My evil, sick, suppressed brain says, “hey, he wants to park here, make him park for a few days by flattening his tires.” But my rational mind says, “hey, that’s not right and karma will kick your ass if you do it.”

So, what should I do? I’ve asked him not to do it but he always shrugs and says it just “works out that way” that he is parked over here. There is no way that it is “chance” six times in a row. He’s a fucking shit head but what can I do? I don’t want to invoke bad karma. But I don’t like being fucked over either.

Suggestions?

2

Kill him.

(Sorry, I’m in a bad mood.)

3

Wow! Talk about invoking some seriously bad karma! Killing him is a bit more extreme than just flattening his tires (which I REALLY want to do) but uh, so, tell me, hon, what’s up with you? I think my little situation is pretty mild compared to what you’re up against. I mean, really, to suggest death for such a minor transgression, you must be dealing with some MAJOR assholes.

Forget my problem, I think yours might be far more interesting!

(Here’s a hug if it helps)

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s the pit. I was gonna kick her in the crotch as I hugged her so there!

4

Put some nails down in the street? I think that roofing tacks are supposed to be the best, unless you can get caltrops.

5

Can you park your car on his side of the street? Or maybe one of your friends has an old shitbox you could borrow for a week or six. Move it every 48 hours like the law says, and eight hours later put it back in a slightly different spot. Watch for chalk marks on the tires. You could string this out just about as long as you want.

Does your area give tickets on street sweeping days? Turn the Christless bastard in.

A 5lb bag of sugar in the gas tank… but that would be over the top for a minor offense such as this.

The active ingredient in skunk juice is butyl mercapten. Rumor has it that if you douse a porous metal part like the exhaust manifold or engine block, a putrid gagging rancid nasty stink will cloud the car forever after whenever the engine warms up. I’m told any of the low molecular weight mercaptens will do. Wouldn’t know, myself.

On a dark night, sweep up the crap from your side of the street and carefully spread it around on his side of the street. If he asks about it, shrug your shoulders and say ‘it just worked out that way’. This approach has a nice kind of symmetry to it.

Beat his narrow ass until he’s really digging it, then threaten to stop. He’ll crumble, trust me.

Put about six drops of cooking oil on a rag and smear it around on his windshield. After you’ve got that spread evenly, follow it with a good smear of too much Rain-X. That silicone based shit will not come off with acetone, lacquer thinner, mineral spirits, hand cleaner, or a razor blade. He can enjoy driving around for six or eight weeks with his head out the side window.

Is his registration expired? Have you checked? A simple phone call could make those nasty grey clouds depart and the sky turn blue.

Six words; Ben Gay on the door handles.

Why yes, I have been ratfucked a couple times, how did you know? Karma never did shit for me, I prefer to get even.

6

Byz, I am at work. I work with morons. It is that time of the month. I am dieting. The stupid radio is set on country music and I can’t change it. The air conditioning is not working in my office. See, it isn’t all that interesting!! (I’m just a bitch!)

Oh, so far as the car thing goes, put some Oreos cream-side down on his paint job next time. Squeeze super glue into his car locks. On the more realistic/less criminal side, you could park your car there until he has already parked his wherever he usually does. Then, move yours before the street sweeper comes through.

P.S. Thanks for the hug! Oh, this is the Pit…in that case, thanks for the hug, bitch!

7

Oh my! Nothing like having to pee during a post!

You folks crack me up!

Let’s see:

The car is legal. Me and the pup just went out to look. Actually, looks like it was very recently registered. Nails… but hey, bad karma… great idea though, much better than flattening the tires! What the heck are caltrops, Lynn? Enquiring minds and all!

speakeasy – I park in my back yard since my neighbors have actually had a fisticuffs over who has the right to park in front of my house. But your suggestion does have good karmic merit. Give him a dose of what he has given me. Next time, I can park my car over there and let him know what it feels like. I don’t think that’s major bad karma. That’s just sorta tit for tat.

I can’t (won’t) do anything to disable his car. But I can use my own car to make my point. They have a tendency to park over here to leave the space in front of their house open for their friends. I should let them park here and park over there in such a way to block their space as much as possible.

Word to the wise; when they do park over here they park in such a way that no other cars can park here. They take up two spaces for one car. This is so that if another friend comes later they can move a bit and let them in. It’s really mean and spiteful. I don’t like it but have never done anything about it.

I guess I’m going to have to invoke a bit of bad karma. But I hope the Gods will look kindly on me for what I do. Pray for me, won’t you?

Thanks!

Evilbeth: Aw man! I’m so sorry! No wonder you said kill him! When I’m at that time of the month I get so creative and happy it’s scary; sorry you don’t feel the same. I’d make you some herbal tea but I think we’re about 2000 miles apart… But I feel for you, hon. And word to the wise, DIET is DIE with a T. Don’t diet! Ever! Modify your eating habits. Never, ever, diet. It’s a four letter word. Don’t use it or engage in it. Trust me! Use that eight letter word, exercise, that one really works!

And if I were there and the air conditioning were out I’d put some ice cubes in your shirt but that could turn into a whole nother post! [giggle, I’m such a pervert!]

Another hug, you twisted bitch!

8

Well, I’m not really dieting. I am in the very first stages of a eating modification plan but that seemed like too much information for the small post! I am exercising also but I am still grumpy! My basic problem with this new eating is the aspertame in so many things–gives me killer headaches! But I will get over it!

Maybe you could get some Chick Tracts and put them on all their friends’ cars whenever they come over. Eventually, the friends would get creeped out and stop coming over! OR you could do something boring like park in his space…
Oooh, you, me, ice cubes…Oh my! Now I reeaallyy need air conditioning!!

9

Hey, Chick tracts… you twisted bitch! Have I said how much I’m in love with you yet? Oh, wait, this is the pit. I hate you, hate you, (here’s my private number)!

You, me, ice-cubes… ah…

Gotta go to the bathroom now, but not to pee!

But uh, really, e-mail me about this diet. Doesn’t sound right. My vote goes for no sugar substitutes. They mainly cause headaches. Use real sugar, just sparingly. And eat a shit-load (bumper crop?) Of veggies and fruits.

Some of those “doctor” diets I’ve read about are really wrong and potentially harmful. No, I’m not a doctor nor do I look like one (I look like a hippy chick) but I’ve got a pretty good handle on nutrition.

10

I know sugar substitutes suck but I hate water. I have to go crazy every now and then and have a Diet Dr. Pepper or seltzer! I’m actually doing the Weight Watchers thing–you know, a dozen or so middle-aged women sitting around complaining about cellulite and the wonders of SnackWells’ cookies? (I am not middle-aged, by the way! I am the youngest person in the room!)

I am just an unmotivated slug. I used to play soccer, run, etc. But that was a few years ago and I have just kind of stagnated! I’m basically doing the whole Weight Watchers thing because it gives me some structure and this older woman I work with wanted me to go with her. Yee-haw! If my life gets any more exciting, I may throw up.

If you need any suggestions about which Chick tracts to use, I suggest “Charlie’s Ants”–appropriately judgemental but ultimately just really fucked up! (Hey, I collect those things–makes me never forget what kind of creepy things people will do when left unsupervised and unmedicated!)

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BTW, get back to me about those ice cubes…2000 miles is nothing with today’s transportation systems…

12

Oh, dear GOD you are a sick bitch! Really! You hate water? I’m a water fanatic! I drink almost 2 gallons a day! (I also have to pee about every 30 minutes but…)

I’m a water baby! I’m never without a glass of water! Even in the car I’ve got one of those sports bottles… you need to get on a water kick! Put a bit of lemon in it, what ever it takes, but water is a eating behavior modification best buddy!

I only know about weight watchers through my sister. She was about 22… bad thing. Everyone else was like 35 and had pooped out a kid or two. I don’t care much for their method because they are too focused on weight. Lift some weight and you’ll gain. According to them you got fatter but in reality you didn’t. You put on muscle. Your weight goes up but your inches go down. That is what you should look at.

Weight is irrelevant. I’m 190 but most people don’t believe it. Until I bench press them; then I get some respect I’ll tell you what!

But really, work out, feel good, let the weight take care of itself. I’ll bet you’re a hotty no matter what you weigh!

13

I have neighbors just like yours. I hate them just like you do. They’d park in front of my house, which I don’t mind, but then they’d leave their darned cars hanging over my driveway edge, All the time!

Lots of times, we’d hear them pull up and tell htem to move their cars back or forward, whatever…just out of the way of our driveway. We tried notes, we tried talking to them, we tried yelling, we tried putting our yard waste a day or two early. None of it worked.

The only thing that’s kept them from disrupting our daily life with their cars is parking another of our vehicles in front of our house.

Isn’t your neighbor the least bit reasonable? If not, borrow a car and take Speaks advice about moving the car from day to day, and sooner or later, he’ll get the point. Well, at least our neighbors did…

-Sam

P.S.-- Speak, try taking your “Eau de skunke” and putting it in a syringe and injecting it into the window rubbers, I hear it’s positively revolting!

14

Yeah, I’m getting that point. Give him some of his own medicine. I’ve tried talking it out (I’ve tried washing it out!) But he just won’t get it!

I think my car parked over there for a day or two (we have a 72 hour rule) might just make the impact that my words can’t.

I just feel like such a shit for resorting to such a low handed act. I do have space to park my car in back and that’s where she sits. But if that’s what it takes to get them to respect my “space” over here, than that’s what it takes.

Dunno. Just seems so fucking childish. I really wanted to just work this out like an adult. But I’m thinking it won’t happen…

Very sad.

But I’m really sick of being the “bend over bitch” on the block.

Thanks everyone!

P.S. GaWd… you need to get to know me. Just because we don’t agree on one issue doesn’t mean I post around the board hating your ass. It’s issues, not posters. Get used to it. I’m not the only one. We don’t agree over there (and quit trying to peg me as the asshole on that thread) but that doesn’t mean we can’t see eye to eye on something else. It’s called focus and accountability. I have a shit load of both.

15

Oop, clarification!

I don’t hate them. I hate what they are doing.

I think it’s just mean. But I don’t hate them as a whole. Just their actions.

Seems minor but really it’s a big difference!

16

Cetain people just won’t change, but they won’t get any better for you if you don’t do something rash. You can be angry about it, go to the boards about it. Either way, action is required. Be childish…if it takes parking a car in front of your house,do it. Whatever changes the situation so it suits you.

And, I don’t hate my neighbors either, they just annoy me like a loud stereo annoys you :slight_smile:

I’m glad you like to be adult about these things. I’ve run into quite the opposite on this board, and I wasn’t sure whether I was taken as an asshole to the Nth, or just that my opinions differ from yours.

-Sam

P.S.–I didn’t peg you for the asshole on that thread, but I certainly disagree with you.

17

What?! Are you calling me an adult?! Why you little fucking worm! I’ve never been so… insulted… uh… complemented…

Oh, fart knockers and Christ in a side-car!

Don’t you go off and be nice to me! You’ll wreak my whole image!

I’ll have to continue to be a level headed adult and that might be really hard to live up to!

See you in the next flame fest!

Byz

(The bitch, but only when she feels like it.)
(And no, your opinion doesn’t count!)

18

All about caltrops.

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It is time for a prank. Try one of the following:

  1. many hunting stores sell scents that cover up the human scent. One of which is a gel that smells like skunk. A little of this applied to the door handles makes for a nasty suprise in the morning. It is very hard to wash out. Let him stink up the office for a while.

  2. Take some 20 lb test fish line, cut it into 3 foot sections and tie a small weight on the end. Then attach the unweighted end to his tires (tying or duct taping it to the hubcap works best.) when he goes to drive in the morning it will sound like his car is falling apart.

  3. Get his phone number if you can. Go to a payphone with a roll of quarters and dimes during the daytime on a weekday. . Call a bunch of people at random, leave angry messages telling people that you saw them hit your car and you are goijng to call the police if they don’t contact you within 3 hours. Leave your neighbor’s name and phone number. He will get a crapload of angry calls and will worry that his car was hit.

  4. Send a bunch of letters --like 15 – to the city department responsible for street sweeping, complaining that there is a parking problem on your street and that the street never gets cleaned. Make them slightly threatening liek “if you don’t do something about this, I will have no choice but to lie in wait for that crappy ass good for nothing idiot who does the sweeping and take care of this myself!” Sign your neighbor’s name. Deny everything if asked. Make sure you send them from a different postal code.

Just a thought.

20

Interesting site. Anyway, yes, that’s exactly what caltrops are. When I was a child, we used to have a game that involved metal jacks and a rubber ball. Those metal jacks were something like small, six-pointed caltrops. They would DEFINITELY slow down foot traffic.