BTW, I think it’s really sweet of you to do this. I’m sure your guests will have a good time no matter what!
To clarify: Cooking the stuffing and then putting it into an uncooked turkey, which you then cook with the stuffing in it, is just as dangerous as cooking a turkey stuffed with uncooked stuffing and is a good way to get food poisoning. Cooking the turkey and stuffing separately, then putting the stuffing into the turkey, is OK, but IMO unnecessary.
If you’re just doing a turkey breast, you have to do the stuffing in a pan, since there’s nowhere to stuff it on a turkey breast.
Stuffing can be prepped in the food processor, if you have one.
Slice up the vegetables using the slicing disk. You can chop them with the blade after that if you want, but I never do. Saute them in a pan with a little butter or olive oil, some salt and pepper, and whatever herbs you are using.
While this is going on, get the bread ready. Switch the food processor over to the blade. Tear up the bread a bit (but you don’t have to get neat cubes or anything like that) and crumb it up in the food processor. You could toast the bread before doing this if you wanted, but I don’t, because untoasted bread gives a texture reminiscent of my grandmother’s stuffing, plus it’s more work.
The right kind of bread is important here. Sourdough will give you an off flavor, and whole wheat would just be weird for most people. Challah (egg bread) or a good quality white sandwich bread works well, and is easily obtained, even at the last minute on Thanksgiving.
When the vegetables have softened, mix the bread and vegetables together in a large bowl, and add whatever liquid you use to bind your stuffing (I use chicken stock and olive oil since I keep kosher and can’t have turkey with dairy, lots of people would use chicken stock and butter, some people add an egg). Put the stuffing into a glass baking dish (spray the baking dish with some no-stick spray first for easier cleanup) and cook in the oven until browned.
ETA: Do you have anywhere near you that does rotisserie turkey breasts? We can get kosher rotisserie turkey breasts at a supermarket near us. That might be a good way to have turkey without having to deal with cooking it, if you’re just doing a breast anyway.
The thing is, Thanksgiving is by far the easiest, simplest, most foolproof traditional meal we’ve got. There is literally nothing in a traditional Thanksgiving meal that takes any cooking expertise whatsoever. (I think it’s really freaking boring.) A turkey - you make sure it isn’t frozen, you take out the gut bits, you throw it in the oven for a certain amount of time. Brine it first if you like. That’s it. That’s all there is. You can refine it, but the basics will get you a perfectly nice turkey.
Green bean casserole, if you want what mom did, is three cans and some onion stuff. Homemade cranberry sauce is cranberries and sugar in a pot until it looks like cranberry sauce. (I add Grand Mariner and orange zest.) Do it ahead of time and it’s actually better.
As long as you have a list of what you want to do and decide when you want to do it, Thanksgiving is like “remedial entertaining” - it’s a really easy meal with a lot you can pre-make, and it’s good practice for really doing it up sometime. Also, it’s pretty fool-proof - dry turkey? Throw gravy on it, and nobody really likes turkey all that much anyway. You can’t screw up the cranberry sauce or the green beans. Mashed potatoes, maybe, but you probably cook those more often than turkey and have some practice. (Try the Pioneer Woman’s recipe - it’s got cream cheese and roasted garlic in it and is very creamy.) Really, it’s a low-stress meal if you’ve just made a list - people blow it out of proportion because it’s wrapped up in stressful stuff like Big Family Dinner and My Mother-in-law Is A Bitch, Isn’t She? and Oh Shit I Hate Those Fuckers, I Hope They Choke.
I’ve heard this a lot but have never had a problem. Maybe it’s because my stuffing is already quite warm when I put it in the turkey. And I always take the temperature of the breast, thigh, and stuffing to make sure they’re up to temperature.
Benzos? Alcohol?
I see that the OP already made a decision on how to proceed (I think it’s the right choice, too - turkey breast by itself is a much safer bet), but I want to chirp in and say that you all are really over-stating how easy it is to cook a turkey.
It’s not overly-complicated, but it’s also extremely easy to dry out. If you’ve never roasted a turkey before or helped anybody roast a turkey before, you’re more likely than not to screw up something. I don’t recommend somebody doing it for the first time ever on Thanksgiving day.
This might be a dumb question, but do you think I could do it in a crock pot? Usually when I cook meat that way it doesn’t dry out.
Plenty of people roast turkeys in electric roasters. A Crock-Pot won’t give you a nice crisp skin, but it will cook the meat. Crock-Pots are meant for cooking with liquid, so you would be braising the turkey rather than roasting it, so I wouldn’t do it. It won’t be inedible, but it won’t be roast turkey.
With a probe thermometer, it’s very easy. Getting the thermometer inserted correctly can be a challenge, though. I once roasted an chicken in about 10 minutes. Putting the thermometer in the right way told me that I had another good hour to go.
The little red popup thingy is pretty accurate.
I wouldn’t do it because I’m never happy with poultry in the crock pot - it just isn’t a good way to cook a breast.
ETA - and no, it isn’t hard to cook a turkey if you just follow the directions and use your thermometer. Stick it in good and deep and don’t touch a bone.
Crock pot turkey sounds pretty gross, actually. You don’t want flabby skin.
You’ll do just fine with roasting, I promise. There’s really not much that can go wrong. If it gets too dry, that’s what gravy is for.
Thanks for your help everyone! Okay, I just got back from the store.
On the menu we’ve got:
Roast turkey breast, via this recipe. I even bought a special roasting pan and everything!
Mashed potatoes. (Sorry, no milk in these. We use rice milk 'round these parts, because of my husband’s allergies. I promise you can’t tell the difference.)
Homemade cranberry sauce made with fresh cranberries. Mmmm.
Corn – in a can!
Green beans – in a can!
A veggie platter for appetizers while everyone’s waiting to finish.
Pumpkin pie, cherry pie, and cheesecake with fresh strawberries for dessert. Did not make these from scratch. Not even going there.
I totally forgot the stuffing, but since my husband’s allergic to it, not a big deal.
Oops, one question. The recipe for the turkey breast says this:
How, um, exactly does that work? How do I stick stuff under there without pulling off the skin?
I’e done that with chicken for Alton Brown’s Broiled Butterflied chicken. It’s easier than it sounds. Don’t pull up the skin as a whole, just get one edge up, stick your finger in and loosen the the skin from the meat, but keep the edges attached. The skin has some give to it. Just don’t try to shove 4 pounds of butter and seasonings under it, and you’ll be fine.
Thanks!
olives, I’m sure everything will be fabulous tomorrow! Please come back and tell us how everything went.
What brand of rice milk, and where do you get it? I keep kosher, so I’m always interested in a good dairy-free mashed potato recipe.
How’d it go?
Rice Dream. We can generally find it at any store, in the gluten-free aisle.
It went really, fantastically well. The turkey and gravy turned out to be delicious. The gravy had an apple-brandy base which was really tasty… I was sooo skeptical it was going to work, but lo and behold, I made gravy! Even though it took longer than anticipated to cook, the meat wasn’t dry at all. You know you’re eating a good meal when people are too busy eating to talk. I consider that a success! My friends were so excited they took a picture of themselves with the turkey! The rest of the food was great as well. We don’t have much left, believe it or not.
Only downside to the evening was when Sr. Olives dropped the cherry pie, fresh out of the oven, face-down on the kitchen floor. Whoops! So we had pumpkin instead. 
We watched ‘‘Love, Actually’’ and ‘‘A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.’’ Then we went shoe shopping this morning. Everybody had a great time, really I don’t think I could have asked for it to go better. We all had so much fun we definitely agreed this should be a repeat occasion during Christmas break.
Thanks for your help and support!
That’s excellent! Congrats on surviving (and excelling in) the event!