It’s true! He is, according to this conspiracy. This is the
one i love to bring up at social events, it’s so absurd,
it hurts! It ties in James Cameron, the American Dental
Association(?!), the Masons, the Templars, Atlantis, Aliens,
… it’s got it all. The site requires age verification,
so i can’t link directly to it, and it’s not the ACTUAL
conspiracy i am referencing either, unfortunately… it’s a
MTS3k’ing of it. So, in a sense, it’s even MORE funny. 
I’ll link the main site here: http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/
and if you’re interested enough, just search on “James
Cameron”. It really is worth it. The whole site is keen,
but that one in particular is a gas. I’ll warn everyone
again, the site is an archive for Mystery Science Theatre
3000 style mockery of USENET postings, so if you’re not
into any or all of the above, don’t bother.
For those into such, happy hunting!
Dude, the guy who MSTied 33rd Degree Mason is a friend of mine from a mailing list, Roland Warner! If you want, I’ll tell him you liked it!
And anyway, what’s wrong with the Masons? Don’t they mostly do charity and social events now?
Actually, a lot of those conspiracy msties are hilarious. The best, which isn’t there anymore, was Hellmosexuals. It was a MSTing of this EXTREME homophobic “ex-gay” who, well, let’s just say the guy has “issues.” Oh boy, does he have issues!
I lost all my msting files recently by accident. MAN, do I miss that one.
I like the “Scully eye” conspiracy. It’s based on the belief that very few people spontaneously blink one eye at a time. In fact it’s quite hard to do. To keep the eyes moist most people regularly flutter boths eyelids at once up and down. If you take notice apparently quite a few media people (newsreaders, personalities of various types I suppose) seem to distinctly and intentionally blink one eye. Some people think this is an opththalmagic version of the Freemason’s handshake or a kind of code tranmitted between members of a media conspiracy of some sort. Maybe they’re giving stock market tips, I don’t know. But it’s not winking that they’re doing - there’s no call for them to wink.
Electronic devices work on transmitting smoke through wires. When the wire is cut, they automatically seal themselves to keep the smoke from escaping, but if parts get too hot, they will release the smoke, and never work again.
My in-laws have given me a few to mull over. Their best is probably the one about Bill and Hillary Clinton killing forty different people. Note that they did not “have killed” nor were they “responsible for the deaths of”… they actually killed forty miscreants who got in their way. Along the same lines they really believe that Clinton is/was in cahoots with the one and only Lucifer/Satan/Anti-Christ. Did I mention too that all Democrats are going to hell?
Another one from the right is the subtle elimination of the United States of America as an independent state. This, as we move towards a single global government. Goodbye National Parks, “America the Beautiful”, and the general concept of democracy.
Following the debates I have with my in-laws, I’m left with one of two feelings–neither of which is all that good. Either right-wingers are indeed correct and the world is full of conspiracies which means that they are just a hell of a lot smarter than I am. (Idiots like me are just too simple-minded to get anything approaching a conspiracty off the ground). The other feeling is that nuts like them are so stubborn and vehement in their beliefs that they will simply outlast and erode more reasonable positions. No wonder the Straight Dope has been fighting ignorance since 1973.
I got two:
JFK was killed by a consortium of defense contractors.
Some time after the Bay of Pigs, JFK realized that the situation in Viet Nam was untenable, and proposed an immediate pullout. The defense contractors, realizing their futures were at stake, took out the roadblock to sucess. They ended up with BILLIONS of dollars they wouldn’t get if JFK lived to pull out.
Everyone with these stories about alien abduction, they are the only ones who REMEMBER.
ALL OF US are ocassionally abducted.
I also like the “Whisking Away Service” conspiracy theory which is predicated on the belief that cancer takes longer to kill than does the Ebola virus. According to this theory a lot of men are secret members of an organisation which is an amalgam of the Freemasons and the medical profession. These men start paying into a secret nest egg fund as soon as they join the workforce. Their families are never aware of it. When, in middle-age, the idea of divorce and the single-life start to become attractive to these men they cut loose from their families and avoid paying alimony and child support by “dying of cancer”. Freemason doctors diagnose the disease and oversee hospitalisation and “treatment”. Patients usually die in a matter of weeks or two or three months. People with real cancer take much longer.
Saw a news report that the “peer-reviewed” publication Science and Justice, from Britain’s Forensic Science Society, has re-examined the Dallas Police dictabelts from the JFK assassination. They concluded there WERE 4 SHOTS, and one of them came from the GRASSY KNOLL … thus a conspiracy. They are claiming 96.3 percent chance that certain sounds on the dictabelts were a 4th shot.
The report in our local rag was datelined “Washington Post,” I haven’t gone to their website to see if there is any more than in our paper.
Now, who was on the Knoll?
And last, my favorite: The anti-reading conspiracy.
There exists a world-wide clandestine anti-reading movement which has become intergenerational. The aim of this group is to develop forms of information transference which do not depend on the written word. Their aim is to develop human abilities to “cold read” the body movements, voice inflexions and facial expressions of other people with 100% accuracy. They believe that cold reading and telepathy are part of a continuum and telepathic communication is their principal goal. These people are hive-mind oriented and hate reading because it is a private activity. People who read are harder to “manage”. The individual in their world is subordinate to the group - they are, basically, control freaks. George Bush may have inadvertently drawn attention to this group.
I’m pretty sure that Greenspan is making himself the richest man in the world while he can. It’s all in a Swiss account.
The earth is round.
pssh, like I’m gonna believe that one.
Well, today’s your lucky day, because I have a copy of that. Want me to send it over?
Here’s a conspiracy that I thought up myself, but don’t subscribe to:
The democrat and republican U.S. political parties are part of the same organization! They only officially oppose one another to create the illusion of democracy. In truth, it is really one secret organization that controls both parties, and has been in power for most or all of the U.S.'s existence.
You don’t believe me? Prove me wrong!
Max, I’ve actually heard that one myself!
They say the Rockefellers are behind it all.
Another one I heard from my mom, who heard it from…
Doctors and researchers have a cure for cancer but refuse to use it because cancer is such a good money making industry. Therefore, if they find a cure for cancer, they will in itself, put themselves out of business.
That’s okay, I found the author of the MSTing’s website…
Hehehehe…
I can’t believe nobody’s mentioned mine yet: Holy Blood, Holy Grail. Which lays out a labyrinthine conspiracy stretching back thousands of years, to either conceal or maintain (hard to tell which) the fact that Jesus Christ has descendents among us. Clues sprinkled throughout literature and history. The French Merovingian dynasty was founded by Jesus & Mary Magdalene; the Holy Grail myth is just a metaphor for this; the Knights Templar and the Masons were just a cub scout version of the real group that was In The Know; and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion was a corrupted version of their documentation. Best part of the book: a photo of some middle-aged schlub in France, who the authors say is the direct lineal descendent of Jesus.
Max the Immortal, you’re not imagining it, and it’s not a theory. The same thing happens in the UK - we have a three-party system which has operated very like a two-party system for a long time, so the government always exists in terror of the next election, which means the useful life of any real government is two years (the first year in office is spent mopping up the last party’s mess and realising election promises cannot be kept - the last is spent gearing up for the election and losing all grip on reality). Further, when in government the ministers are all rotated around different areas of government, as soon as anyone has a chance to get a handle on the job. The only people who stay anywhere long enough to get anything done are the civil servants. For further analysis of this painfully obvious problem, have a look at the BBC’s Yes, Minister and Yes, Prime Minister shows. I know absolutely nothing about any of this but it’s fascinating to watch. Nobody’s really done it deliberately, it’s just kinda difficult to implement democracy, that’s all.
Anyway, my favourite highly offensive theory is that AIDS was created by US Govt Agencies to wipe out non-whites. If this is true, the Agencies are among the stupidest organisations on earth, and I can’t believe that - they must be smart or how do they keep the leprechauns secret?
It’s scary, but Henry Ford blamed the Jews for 1) the professional professional wrestling of his day and 2) the shrinking size of candy bars.
(shudder)
:dubious:
I like the book Alternative 3. The Earth is about to be destroyed, so the Soviets and US are kidnapping people to serve as slaves on their Moon colony.
So overwrought that it’s kinda hilarious.