Now, you all know being married to a virgin, Joseph would get a little, well excitable. In his sexually deprived state, Joseph dirtied a washcloth with his seed, which was later used by our blessed virgin for washing (they were poor, and it gets mighty dirty in that manger).
Bada bing, bada boom, we have baby Jesus.
Consider it artificial insemination, Biblical Style.
[sub]Ignore this post if you are easily offended by tongue in cheek religious comments.[/sub]
A few years ago, those $100 million Mars probes which failed?
There were no probes. :eek:
Sure, NASA sent up a couple of rockets, but they were just
regular Earth orbiting satellites.
The money they say was spent was actually diverted to a secret
slush fund.
They’ve done it before. When the stealth bombers and stealth
fighters were under development, the government would
periodically spread some assorted plane wreckage around the
desert. Then they’d say:
“Look! One of them crashed!”
Then they’d get a couple $million more to “replace” it.
Jim Jones was part of a vast CIA conspiracy to kill off Leo Ryan. One measly Congressman. You couldn’t just have some drunk run him down while he was walking to the Capitol. You had to have some nut job brainwash 1000 people into moving to Guyana then persuading Ryan to go there only to shoot him on the plane.
One of my favorites, that we actually studied briefly in philosopy is solipsism, the belief that the self is the only real thing. So, I am the only real thing. Everything else is just a figment of my imagination. Oh, some days, how I wish that were true.
Then there is the guinea pig conspiracy, fondly embraced by those who own these little munch monsters…
Some evidence:
Most people place their guinea pigs in rooms with convenient access to telephones and computers – coincidence or conspiracy?
That tapping noise the guinea pig makes while drinking from the water bottle is really secret code.
If you smell ammonia coming from the cage you cleaned just a few days earlier it is because the guinea pigs have been manufacturing and stock-piling chemical weapons for the day of the Great Invasion.
Obese politicians are really guinea pigs in disguise.
Peru is reported to be a hotbed of both UFO and guinea pig activity.
And my favorite –
Parsley is put on plates in restaurants to placate guinea pigs (who are hiding everywhere!).
I always liked some of the Alien theories out there. For example that we are descendents of an alien experiment or that they genetically engineered us so that one day they can come back and use our bodies to house their souls. The people who believe this crap think the government has positioned people in society to debunk their theories by making the theory sounds absurd thereby reducing the likelyhood of anyone taking it seriously.
hmmm, maybe I’m one of those debunkers…
My favorite is The New Physics of Symmetrical Energy Structures, published by the Alpha Omega Research Foundation. (Unfortunately none of the links on this page work: http://www.alphaomegafoundation.org/ )
Quote from the preface to the published version:
“The derivation of the physical constants from a seven dimensional 2 pi, just prior to publication, was a complete surprise.”
(They’re referring to ALL the physical constants, c, h-bar, big G, …)
Ohhhhhhh, crackpot theories…what fun! Collect them all, trade them with your friends.
I have somewhere, a collection of clippings and articles devoted to this very subject. In a fit of organization, I filed them so cleverly that I cannot find them now. Unless…trained bionic monkeys broke into my house to take that and only that…it’s all mysterious…
I read a partial one once somewhere in a check out line that I really really wished I had bought the damn rag mag because, frankly…I need closure on it.
It was how McDonalds, the worlds largest franchise restaurant was really - are you sitting down? - a base operation for either (this is where I get fuzzy) aliens from outspace or Terrorists. Either sinister menace you choice, both are plotting to take over the world.
I have a neighbor who beleives that a) her microwave sends off harmful rays that will erase her brain b) that her remote control sends off harmful rays that will harm her brain c) and probably would believe the “smoke detectors are really listening devices” if I ever told her. ;j
So Shirley, I trust you ran right over to tell her that. You might wanna throw in that it’s also a federal law that we have to change the batteries in the smoke detectors every spring and fall when we change the time in order to keep the listening devices fully charged. Oh and don’t forget, if she has a computer, tell her that the modem/dsl/cable whatever she has enables the government to watch her on her monitor whether or not the computer is actually on. Fun stuff this.
I have two favorite crackpot theories. Both espoused only by me.
Radio Shack is in league with the CIA, IRS, and other three-letter organizations to compile a secret list of American shoppers and their habits. Haven’t you ever wondered why you have to give the clerk at Radio Shack your address in order to buy anything? After the third time, I flatly refused, and they wouldn’t sell me anything. Stranger, however, is the fact that I have never received mail from Radio Shack, nor has anyone I’ve ever talked to. Yet, they’ve had my address for years. They’re the Devil, I tell you.
The whole Straight Dope Message Board fiasco was really a government plot to keep my post-count from reaching triple digits. I had to re-register!! Vengeance will be mine, dammit!!
Bill Clinton is responsible for the ridiculously high prices and other problems currently plaguing thrift stores. Sounds silly, right? Hear me out:
Several years ago when Clinton was still in office and thrift stores had reasonable prices, a story broke that the Clintons donated their used underwear to goodwill for a tax write-off of $5 a pair- this raised a big stink (no pun intended) because most people don’t pay $5 a pair for new underwear, let alone used. This bit of news planted the idea in peoples’ minds that they too could donate their crapinski to goodwill for massive tax writeoffs. Since goodwill is supposed to charge what the stuff is worth and people were overstating the value, goodwill started jacking up the prices, which is why they want $50 for a used betamax at the local Salvation Army. They can’t sell the crapola at these inflated prices and they start getting backlogs of stuff. In fact, people have started donating unusable goods (aka trash) as well, causing their operating costs to skyrocket. Bear in mind I’m not a rabid anti-Clintonite.
Small to medium sized towns, especially in rural parts of the country, have a conspiracy with Civil Engineers. They take any prominent road, such as a by-pass, and end controlled access and put in stoplights every 500 ft. That way, motorists are forced to look at the storefronts and signs of area merchants so that they’ll consider shopping there.
If the nearby prominent road is an interstate, they needlessly lower the speed limit by about 20 mph and have Deputy Fife on patrol to stop speeders. The accumulated fines go in the city coffers, and look Ethel, we made the lawn mower budget!
Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK, but he didn’t intend to. He was actually after John Connally, who (as Secretary of the Navy) had signed Oswald’s discharge papers.
When people tell you there’s no way Oswald could’ve accurately made all three shots at a moving target from a distance, they’re right.
What I love about conspiracy nuts is, they NEVER concede they were wrong, even when evidence proves it- they simply make the new facts fit the old theory. Oh, they may have to twist and turn the old theory to make the new facts fit, but they’ll never acknowledge that their initial theory was ridiculous.
Obviously, in the weeks and months before January 1, 2000, crackpots spread loads of sinister, scary theories about what was going to happen when Y2K struck. As it turned out, virtually NOTHING happened, anywhere in the world.
But AFTER January 1, 2000, I heard and read in several circles that the sinister scary stories about the effects of the Y2K were NOT spread by conspiracy crackpots… rather, the crackpots insisted that the U.S. government KNEW all along that there was absolutely nothing to fear from Y2K, but that the feds had spread all kinds of scare stories! Supposedly, they were planning to launch a nuclear attack on Russia and China, and were going to blame the missile launch on an accidental (“oops! Sorry about Moscow, guys!”) Y2k-related computer glitch.
Grab a cup of coffee, kick up your feet, and gradually drift through the Doug Moon site. Allow the waves of kookery to playfully wash over you. Savor each handcrafted paragraph like a delightful California roll of craziness. They are like little Zen koans except wackier. When you’re ready for the plunge, head over to his page on disease:
The daily Lotto numbers are actually coded daily communications between the alien command post in the center of Earth and the alien scouts in each city. So last nights winning numbers 5-25-31-8-13-22 actually mean kidnap John Doe at 3am and do crazy experiments to him for an hour or so.
Fun stuff this.