Dead Ted: Do you wanna play 20 questions?
Dead Bill: Sure Dude
Dead Ted: I got one.
Dead Bill: Are you green?
Dead Ted: Yes.
Dead Bill: Are you a tank?
Dead Ted: Woah, you got it! Excellent!
Dead Ted: Are you sure this is going to work?
Dead Bill: It worked in the Exorcist, one and three.
Son you got a panty on your head
when there was no crawdad we ate sand
I hate illinois nazis
and
Happy halloween ladies(then he sticks out his tongue and goes lllllaaaaa)
actually… [and i know people hate when others do this…]
it goes:
DarkHelemt- i said across her nose not up it!
AssHole- sorry sir doing my best <eyes permanently crossed>
DH- [to Colonel Sanders] who made that man a gunner?
MA- i did sir. he’s my cousin. <eyes also crosses>
DH- [to colonel sanders] who is he?
CS- an asshole.
DH- i know that. what’s his name?
CS- that IS his name, Asshole, Major Asshole.
DH- and him <refering to the gunner>?
CS- he’s an asshole as well
DH- how many assholes we got on this ship any way?
etc. etc.
[sorry, i just HAD to set it right…]
“You’ve been mostly dead all day”. And anything else from the Princess Bride. Anything from Spaceballs. Anything from any Monty Python film. A lot of things from Disney Films, especially the Lion King.
Not really funny, but I’m dying to use these lines:
“Are you gonna do somethin’, or just stand there and bleed? I said throw down, boy! Jerk that pistol and go to work!”
“I’m your huckleberry. . .”
“Touch that gun, and I’ll burn you down.”
I swear, Tombstone has the coolest one-liners.
Tripler
DINGO:
Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO:
You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
AMAZING:
And spank me.
STUNNER:
And me.
LOVELY:
And me.
DINGO:
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
DINGO:
And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS:
The oral sex! The oral sex!
GALAHAD:
Well, I could stay a bit longer.
M.P.
“Be a daisy if you do.”
You can’t fight here! This is the war room!
Cracks me up every time…
Insp. Roverini: È possibile che ha tendenzi omosessuali?
Peter: (translating) He wants to know if you’re a homosexual.
Tom: No!
Peter: (translating) No.
-The Talented Mr. Ripley
Cartman: What’s the matter? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
-South Park
Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: And how would you like to suck my balls?
Garrison: What did you say?!!
Cartman: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Actually, what I said was: (picks up megaphone) HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, Mr. Garrison?
Stan: Holy shit, dude.
-South Park
Rick: I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Louis: What waters? We’re in the desert.
Rick: I was misinformed.
Rick: There are certain sections of New York I’d advise you not to try to invade.
Major Strasser: What’s your nationality?
Rick: Drunkard.
Rick: And remember, Louis, this gun is pointed straight at your heart.
Louis: That is my least vulnerable spot.
Rick: (reading the Gestapo file on himself) Are my eyes really brown?
Rick: How can you shut me down? On what grounds?
Louis: I am shocked, shocked! to find that gambling is going on in here.
Croupier: Your winnings, sir.
Louis: Thank you very much. Everyone out at once!
Sasha: Darling, I love you, but he pays me.
German man: We are speaking nothing but English.
German woman: So that we should feel at home when we get to America.
German man: Liebchen? I mean, sweetness? What watch?
German woman: Ten watch.
German man: Ooh! Such watch.
Karl: You’ll get along beautifully in America.
Karl: I see Yvonne has gone over to the enemy.
Louis: Who knows? In her own way she may constitute an entire second front.
and of course:
Yvonne: Vive la France! Vive la démocratie!
Thank you all for playing, but here’s the correct answer. The funniest lines ever captured on film are in Raising Arizona:
“Son, you got a panty on your head.”
“You got a table and chairs, you gotta dinette set. You gotta table and no chairs, you got dick.”
“I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn’t easy with that son’ bitch Reagan in the White House.”
“Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat!”
“Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!”
“Policeman: Do you have any disgruntled employees?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Hell, they’re all disgruntled. I aint running no damn daisy farm. My motto is “Do it my way or watch your butt!”
Policeman: Well, do you think any of them could’ve done it?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Oh, don’t make me laugh. Without my say-so they wouldn’t piss with their pants on fire.”
“Prisoner 1: When there was no meat, we ate fowl. When there was no fowl, we ate crawdads. When there was no crawdads to be found, we ate sand.
Prisoner 2: You ate sand?
Prisoner 1: We ate sand.”
And the unequivocal funniest:
“Evelle: Do these blow into funny shapes and all?
Grocer: Well, no, unless round is funny.”
From The Last Boy Scout:
[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife]
Mike Mathews: It just happened, Joe.
Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, it just happened. You tripped, fell on the floor and accidently stuck your dick into my wife. “Gee, I’m sorry, Mrs. H, this just isn’t my week”.
Jimmy Dix: Maybe I could take your daughter horseback riding. How old is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She’s 13, and if you even look at her funny I’m gonna shove an umbrella up your ass and open it.
Love that threat…have used it more than once
From the Chief’s speech in The Outlaw Josey Wales
“They caught my horse and made him surrender.”
From Star Wars
“We’re fine, we’re all fine here. How are you?”
1[sup]st[/sup] man: “You dastard!”
2[sup]nd[/sup] man: "Oh, so that’s how you say it in England.
Hmmm…let’s see…
Zorro the Gay Blade has some classics…mostly having to do with George Hamilton’s outrageous accent…
“Of COURSE the pipples are no happy! But the soldiers are very happy to choot the pipples who say the pipples are no happy…”
And almost anything from the Blues Brothers
“…use of excessive force in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers…has been approved…”
“It’s the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!” - The Life of Brian
“We got both kinds of music here… Country and Western!” - The Blues Brothers
“Well, boys, I reckon this is it… toe-to-toe nucular combat with the Russkies!” - Dr. Strangelove
[After the Ghostbusters fail to “get” the library ghost and instead run away in terror.]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Hee hee hee! “Get her!” That was your whole plan, “Get her!” You were scientific!
Gotta love “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” for funny lines. I’ll probably screw some of these up, but anyway …
Butch (as they’re being followed by the posse): “How can they find us? I don’t know where we’ve been, and we just came from there!”
Sundance (after they’ve accidentally blown up an entire train car by trying to open a safe): “Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?”
Sundance (on top of the cliffs, looking into a river): “I can’t swim.” Butch (laughing): “What are you, crazy? The fall will probably kill ya.”
Butch: “The next time I say ‘Let’s go someplace like Bolivia,’ let’s GO someplace like Bolivia!”
Butch: “I’ve got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.”
Pulp Fiction is full of great lines.
Jules - “Shit yeah. I got my technique down man, I don’t tickle or nothin’.”
Vincent - “Have you ever given a guy a foot massage?”
Jules - “Fuck you”.
Jules - “It’s the one that says Bad Motherfucker on it.”
Capt. Koons - “I hid with uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.”
Jimmie - "Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said, “Dead nigger storage?”
The Wolf - “If I’m curt with you, it’s because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, clean the fuckin’ car.”
From Happy Gilmore
Gilmore to Bob Barker - “The price is wrong, biiiiitch.”
From This Is Spinal Tap
Nigel - “Yeah, but this goes up to 11.”
My favorite line of all time is from Dumb and Dumber.
Lloyd and Harry are looking at the flat ground all around them and they say…
Lloyd: I thought the Rockies would be a little rockier than this.
Harry: Yeah… that John Denver’s full of shit man!
I just LMAO every time I hear this.
I also like Janine Garofalo’s (sp?) character in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion…
Toby: Yada yada yada… Oh! And I want to do an article on you and Sandy because I think it make a really good article for the Roundup.
Heather: Oh, Toby. FUCK OFF!