Thats the link I read.
This is a long excerpt, but I’ve always loved it. It’s the opening paragraph of David Edelstein’s review of Eyes Wide Shut (he was film critic for Slate at the time):
Late in Stanley Kubrick’s final film, Eyes Wide Shut , there’s a harsh bit of piano music by the Hungarian-born composer György Ligeti: one high note plinking over and over, first slow, then hard and fast and cruelly untranscendent. The camera, meanwhile, rests on the face of Kubrick’s protagonist, a New York doctor called Bill Harford, who’s only just comprehending the horror of what he has witnessed over the previous 24 hours–the bestial evil under the waltzing façade of civilization. (The early part of the movie is scored with waltzes.) This moment is meant to be soul-churning for both the character and the audience, but Harford is played by Tom Cruise, who is not, to put it gently, a thoughtful actor. Cruise’s brow is preternaturally low, and when he tries to simulate brain activity he looks like a Neanderthal contemplating his Cro-Magnon neighbor’s presentation of fire: What this orange snake make finger feel hot? That the emotional climax of Kubrick’s last movie is Tom Cruise screwing up his face and feigning a tragic awareness while a piano goes plink … plink … plink-plink-plinkplinkPLINK is enough to make you cry, but not the way the filmmaker intended.
Newsday used to have capsule reviews of movies and often, when reviewing a film would say, “Buy the premise; buy the flick.” Not necessarily a bad review, but I always like the phrase.
Moonfall:
in Leonard maltins movie guide there’s a cheapie called “the navy vs the njght monsters” the review is 3 maybe 4 lines:
"1) Look at the title. 2) Examine the cast. 3) Be aware that the plot involves omnivorous trees. 4) Don’t say you weren’t warned
Don’t forget Ebert’s Review of North, which was used as the title of his book I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie. I enjoyed having many of his movie reviews in one place, especially all of the “bad” movies.
I loved Siskel & Ebert’s show. They had different enough perspectives that often one would love a movie, and the other would yell that that opinion was stupid, and so was the film in question!
But when neither of them liked a movie, it was sure to be a stinker…
It’s so fun to watch them laugh at and talk about Jaws 4.
I have always loved the way that Roger Ebert kicked off his review of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.
Moviegoers who knowingly buy a ticket for The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor are going to get exactly what they expect: There is a mummy, a tomb, a dragon and an emperor. And the movie about them is all that it could be.
Ebert always did a great job of not penalizing a movie simply because it didn’t aspire to be high art. He appreciated movies for what they were. If he was watching a brainless popcorn flick, but that brainless popcorn flick was executed with some style and a little wit, then he was more than happy to sing its praises to his readers.
I liked that about his reviews.
I always liked the (perhaps apocryphal) review of the 1980 disco musical fantasy Xanadu, which read, in its entirety, “Xanadon’t.”
This review of Troll 2 took far more effort than went into the film.
"This IS the best movie ever made. Nothing I have experienced has displayed the degree of perfection attained by the geniuses (yes geniuses and nothing less) behind Troll II.
The story-line is gripping, believable, and damn scary. The Waits family is on a month long vacation in the country town of Nilbog, as part of the family exchange program. They leave the modern conveniences of their home to “rough it” in Nilbog’s rural setting. I’m on the edge of my seat already, but wait, there’s more. Young Joshua’s deceased Grampa Seth comes back from the grave to warn the family of Nilbog’s dangers. The beautiful Holly Waites’s boyfriend tags along with his blatantly homo-erotic chums. There’s something strange about the curiously unrefrigerated “Nilbog Milk.” Oh, and did I forget to mention that the town is full of GOBLINS?!!!
The acting in this film can be summed up in one word and one word only: superfine. Every member of the Waites family was portrayed realistically and intriguingly. The chemistry between Elliot and Holly was so intense that I would be surprised to hear that there was not something going on off camera. The town matriarch has full command of the screen whenever she graces it with her presence. One actor takes the cake, however. Scene stealer Draco Floyd as the Store Owner is a sight to behold. He truly takes this movie that extra step into masterpiece. Watch for him. He’ll give you chills.
The special effects are top of the line for 1992, and some of these techniques are still used today. Watch for the spear throwing, the regeneration of Creedence’s hand, Grampa Seth in the mirror, “the shirt buttoning scene,” the vegetable transformations, “the popcorn scene,” and of course, the goblin costumes.
The underlying social commentary of Troll II was truly ahead of it’s time. Homosexuality is dealt with on many different levels. Elliot and his boys are obviously repressed closet homosexuals. Their’s is a constant struggle for acceptance into the Waites family. The town of Nilbog is in fact run by a lesbian who lusts after Holly Waits and takes great pleasure in the demasculinization of Arnold. Vegetarianism is approached more directly. The goblins turn their human victims into vegetables before devouring them. This says in no uncertain terms that everything you eat (plant or animal) was alive once, and killing is still killing. Troll II takes a chilling look at organized religion in the sermon scene. The Preacher (played by my father, I’m pretty sure of it) has his congregation in the palms of his hands and easily turns them against the lovable, freckled Joshua. Power like that belongs in no one man’s hands.
On the whole, realism sells Troll II. It’s scary because it COULD happen. Don’t watch this one alone or at night, but DO watch it. You won’t forget it." from IMDB
[veryfrank quoting David Edelstein.]
Beautiful! And encapsulates – much better than I ever could – why I can’t watch a Tom Cruise movie.