Your Fun (or not-so-fun) Airport Stories

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Most of my flights are international; whenever I have to fly domestic in the US it’s always a bit jarring – on the one hand, because it’s so simple! I do it so rarely I get confused when all I have to do is get off the plane and walk out to the taxi stand. No customs, no immigration, no nonsense. On the other hand, I’m glad my domestic flights are usually pretty short, because long-haul US flights are awful compared to overseas (at least for me.)

So all of the below are on British Airways:

  1. Flight from Germany to London, late ‘90s: lucked out and had as a funny seatmate the back-up saxophone player from Joe Cocker’s band (he’d recently been on a tour of Europe.)

  2. Flight from London to DC, also back in the ‘90s: just as the plane was taking off (so we were in the air, at a sharp angle) a very cross Heathrow groundcrew guy came up the aisle, as for some reason he as on board doing a repair – how on earth he didn’t notice the plane taxiing, I do not know, but he spent the entire flight fixing stuff in the cabin.

  3. Around Christmas, 2005, was pulled to one side at Heathrow after a flight in from Philadelphia, because there was a bona-fide Levis-jeans smuggler on the plane (they’d been suspicious of him since before boarding in Philly as we in the gate area watched him ask if he could take on-board as carryon two enormous duffle bags, which turned out to be stuffed with denim jeans.) Why was I pulled to one side? Because as I waited in line at Border Control and he was nabbed to go sit in the special room, he pointed at me and claimed I was his accomplice. It took four hours to convince Heathrow personnel that I wasn’t :mad: That said, the rudest experiences I’ve had with customs and immigration have been on the American side of things. Once at Dulles, while queued up to get our passports stamped, some TSA martinet was strutting up and down the line shouting, ‘You’re in the USA! The greatest country on earth! Thank God that you’re Americans! Come on, let’s hear you!’ cringe Or the dude at immigration in Philly who demanded to know what I’d been in the UK for three weeks, wasn’t the US good enough for me? (Now, I’m accustomed to the traditionally warm Philly welcome, having grown up in this area, but I thought that took a piss a bit.)

  4. Again back in the ‘90s, I was flying BA to London, and scored one of the seats that has nothing but a bulkhead in front of it; I was next to the window, and my seatmate was one of the personal chefs for the Queen of Jordan, a really bubbly, fun young woman. Next to us in the center block of seats was a British family. Behind us were two American men travelling together on holiday. At this bulkhead was one of the toilets since this was pretty much the middle of the plane.

I was just dozing off when I was woken up partly by commotion behind me, and partly because of the chef shaking me awake – the guy in the window seat behind me hadn’t felt well when he got on, and the meal made him sick – he was struggling mightily to clamber over his seatmate and race for the toilet. He reached it and the door opened just as he got there, only to come face to face with the British mother from the row opposite, and he threw up all over the poor woman. Turns out it was her first flight after surviving a plane crash (they’d let her go up into the cockpit and talk to the captain and that, so if this wasn’t the late ‘90s, it was certainly prior to September 2001.) She was a good sport about it, but the chef and I got a terrible case of the giggles, especially when the hostesses were trying to determine if the poor man was just randomly airsick, or if there was going to be food poisoning, ‘Did you have the chicken or the fish?’

  1. I fly back and forth to the UK fairly often, so I had enough points saved up to go first class last Christmas (usually I do cheapo upgrades at the terminal for bump-ups to business which is nice, as BA trans-Atlantic business is usually $8000!) Anyway, I was flying with my ‘Vince’ stuffed toy (from Rex the Runt), and the hostess saw him (I was making photos to put together a ‘Vince flies first class’ slide show for my partner; he had a bow tie and everything), and she asked me, ‘Would you like me to take your teddie up to the flight deck?’ Well, yeah! Vince apparently helped to land the plane, because when I got him and my camera back, the flight crew’d taken a lot of pictures of Vince helping the co-pilot, inspecting the flight plan, and working the radio.

There’s been a lot of weirdness over the years; I’m going to miss the ritual, really, as I probably won’t be making that run as often after this autumn. (Except I won’t miss stuff like the time a hired taxi driver taking me to Heathrow decided it would be better if we went and got a hotel room instead; that wasn’t fun at all, and was downright scary.

42

A few days before my fourth birthday, I flew to my grandparents in Daytona Beach, from Atlanta.

By myself.

I wasn’t smuggling any parakeets, though!

Also, got on a plane in Hartford Connecticut, we were taxiing and the lights flickered. Pilot comes on - we need to go back to the terminal as, apparently, the lights weren’t supposed to flicker.

Now every time the lights flicker on a plane, I tense up. DAMN YOU, HARTFORD! :wink:

43

Since 9/11, Providence not only does the regular TSA screening, but they also go through checked baggage. Not in private, not just random bags, but every single bag, right out in the open.

One checked item was a box labelled Live Lobsters. The TSA agent opened it up, and found that it didn’t contain lobsters at all. Nope, this one had live crabs. A lot of them. She took them out one by one and set them on the table. And of course they were crawling away from her, so she had to wrangle them back as she continued to empty the box.

Form the look on her face she was having a serious “I hate my job” moment. But the rest of us were quite entertained.

44

WHY DID YOU NOT TAKE PHOTOS OF THE AWESOME AS HELL CRAB WRANGLING
why oh why

45

I’m not sure I even owned a camera back then. That would have made a great video, though.

46

I had a similar experience with my metal tatting shuttle. On future flights I either took a wooden one or took it out of my purse and put it through separately.

47

I was in Denver visiting my old boss who was now plant manager of the AT&T PBX factory on 120th street. He had taught me to always say hello to the secretary of whoever you were visiting, so I did it with his. A storm was brewing and before I left she told me that she had decided to reserve a room for me at one of the airport hotels. (This was when Stapledon was still running.) I got to the airport with little trouble, and though all the planes were delayed an earlier flight to Newark was still open, so I got on that. I canceled my hotel room and got on. On the flight was about a dozen kids going to the Coast Guard Academy to begin college.
Well, three hours later or so the flight was canceled, and they told us that we were all on the same plane for tomorrow. To my amazement, when I called the hotel they had not canceled my reservation, so I got the last airport shuttle ride up the service road to it. (I 25 was already closed.) No hotel had ever been better, and if the execs read my comment card, the whole staff would be getting 10% raises.

The next day we all assembled on the plane again. The kids were a bit nervous about getting chewed out for being late to school, but were mostly joking about more delays. Then the pilot came on and said we’d be delayed because they screwed up deicing. The kids never said another word.

My daughter was stuck in the 2010 Heathrow Christmas disaster, but thanks to people on two continents trying to get through to BritishAir on two more, and my wife’s cleverness, she spend the delay in a hotel, not the floor, and managed to get back before Christmas. Even more remarkable, her luggage came with her.

48

The TSA confiscated my girlfriend’s beading plyers. She was pretty pissed.

49

It seems like a black cloud hangs over me every time I go to an airport or board an airplane. These are some of the stories I have. Keep in mind that I don’t travel that much for business and haven’t flown that much for pleasure either.

  1. As a 12-year-old, spilled a large amount of hot chocolate over myself on a flight from Pittsburgh to Williamsport, PA.

  2. On an attempted flight from Indianapolis to Toronto, got on board a turboprop. The engines were fired up, then suddenly there was a BOOF from one of the engines and smoke was seen rising from it. We were quickly removed and we all waited for a replacement plane to show up.

  3. Flew into Pittsburgh from Toronto. It was the last plane to land that night before the airport was closed because of a massive snowstorm. Since I wasn’t going out that night, I looked for a hotel. EVERY hotel in the area was booked solid. I wandered around the airport looking for some kind of help, but found nobody other than a local news crew, who interviewed me about the situation. (Later I heard that several relatives had seen the interview but not one of them thought, “Hey, let’s rescue Duke from the airport!”) Ended up sleeping, if you can call it that, for two hours on the floor. Next morning, got a flight to DuBois-Jefferson airport, which is over a hundred miles from my intended destination of Harrisburg, but at least closer than Pittsburgh. Eight-seater aircraft. The plane descended onto an airstrip that was covered in inches of snow. We deplaned to find no gate crew and a locked door at the gate. The pilot banged on the door until someone, probably a janitor, came over to unlock it. I don’t even remember how I eventually made it to Harrisburg.

  4. Flying from Cleveland to the aforementioned Harrisburg. This combined stories #2 and #3 because not only did I not make it to Harrisburg as planned, but the plane had a malfunction right after takeoff and we had to return to ground. This time around there were no spare planes to turn to so we had to wait overnight for the mechanic to fix the plane. Fortunately there was an available hotel and the airline put us up overnight. However, going back to the airport to see the same plane at the gate was not calming.

  5. Another spilled drink onto my pants. This time it was a gin and tonic at a Heathrow airport restaurant. How did this happen? Well, there was a fistfight a few tables away and a bystander knocked my drink into my lap as she fled the scene. I flew back to the States reeking of gin.

  6. Flying from Heathrow again back to the States after spending a whole year in the UK. Had everything I owned over there in one giant suitcase, which tipped the airport scales at over 80 pounds. Going down an escalator holding the suitcase I was bumped and both I and the suitcase crashed down to the floor, the case ending up pinning my arm. A giant of a man, probably the biggest guy I’ve ever seen, walked over to me and picked the suitcase off of me with one arm like it was a carton of milk.

Then there was the time I sat next to the woman who did the voiceovers for Jaguar commercials, the time our plane to Philadelphia was diverted to Dulles and the guy next to me went into a panic because he thought we were going to Dallas, the time I had to stay overnight in Las Vegas because the airline I took from LA to Vegas was heading for bankruptcy and didn’t have a luggage slide at the airport that would fit their plane so they couldn’t get the luggage off the airport until someone retooled one to fit…all I can say is, if you see me at the airport, expect the unexpected.

50

I should have added this to my first post.

SWMBO and I fly to Vegas every year for a national Taekwondo tournament. Those who have flown into/out of Vegas know that the winds at the airport can be dicey, especially in the summer when it’s hot enough to fry eggs.

Several years ago, we’re coming in for a landing. We’re maybe three feet off the ground when a downdraft hit us and we smacked hard on the runway, bounced up, hit again, bounced, hit, bounced, hit…and finally stayed down. Everyone was panic-stricken for a few seconds, then the stewardess got on the p.a.

“Welcome to Las Vegas, where the local time is xxx. Please remain in your seats with the seatbelt fastened until Captain Kangaroo has finished hopping up to the terminal…” I don’t know what she said after that because the entire cabin just exploded with laughter and applause.

51

  1. I was in law school and returning from a winter break ski trip in Colorado. I had taken a shuttle from my apartment to the airport on the way out, but hadn’t arranged transportation to get back after the return flight. The return flight was delayed about 4 hours due to weather in CO, so we didn’t land until around 11:30 pm. I was somewhat cursing myself that I hadn’t arranged anything, since it would be harder at that hour. We get off the plane and I’m walking toward baggage claim, when what did I see? A friend from school, waiting in baggage claim! She was there just to bring me home from the airport. Turns out had planned to use the surprise airport pickup as a way of letting me know she wanted to turn our platonic friendship into something more; little did she know she was going to be sitting there for hours waiting for me. And not only that, but she rented a car just to come out there and pick me up. She drove me home and needless to say, I spent several hours expressing my sincere appreciation for her thoughtfulness.

  2. My wife and I were sitting in West Palm Beach Airport after a weekend away, and heard the announcement that our flight would be delayed one hour. We had just had lunch, so we just continued to sit. Then they announced another delay, this one three hours. People were grumbling all around us. We had had a great weekend, lots of together time; we were still in ‘vacation mode’, largely unaffected by the delay and in good moods. She hopped up and said she’d be right back. She returned with a deck of cards; we sat on the floor and played cards for a few hours and ate wasabi peas. OK, not a great story but I look back on it as an extension of our romantic weekend when we didn’t let ourselves get our panties all bunched up just because of a delayed flight. We had fun and laughed and could just as easily have been sitting on a beach somewhere.

52

I’m gonna take a WAG and say you must’ve been flying Southwest, where they’ve elevated comments like that into an art form.

53

I was getting on a plane in Costa Rica to fly back to Dallas. Walking down the aisle I noticed this menacing looking guy behind me. Black leather jacket, baseball cap, head down, and wearing dark glasses. I sat down in the aisle seat in my row. He asked if he could sit there to be near his wife and child across the aisle. His voice was quiet but tense. I said sure and moved to the window seat.

Some friends I was traveling with were in various nearby seats. It seems attention was being focussed on him from the other seats. I was nervous but more puzzled and glanced behind. A friend in the next row was mouthing something to me and pointing surreptitiously at him. After conversations settled down a bit and he was just reading a magazine I decided to see what the fuss was about. I stuck up general conversation with, “Hi, I’m Corner Case.” He offered his hand and said quetly, “Hello, I’m Jean-Claude.” “Van Damme?”, I said as it suddenly occurred to me hearing his accent. “Oh, I love your movies. But I know you must get bothered a lot by people, so I’ll leave you to enjoy your flight in peace.”

He went on to read and chat with his family. After awhile, that settled down. Then he turned to me and stuck up a conversation. Weather problems in the states had messed up flights and he had to grab coach on any plane just to get to Texas. He was going to Waxahachie to film “Universal Soldier: The Return” in the site of the cancelled super collider. We talked about family and kids. He was saying that family was very important and to spend as much time as you can with your wife and kids*.

After the flight, my wife met me and I got to introduce him to her. She doesn’t watch movies much and had no idea who he was.

[sub]* In retrospect, this was when he remarried his current wife and restarted his career.[/sub]

I and my wife were flying out of Chicago Sunday evening with our new baby. We were flying D1 standby with Company flight benefits. We were newbies at standby and didn’t realize there would be a huge standby crowd flying to Dallas. My wife’s brother-in-law was going D3 and might not get on.

We were miraculously called for the last standbys for the flight. As I was literally reaching out my hands to get the tickets she noticed we were wearing … {horrors} … above-the-knee shorts. She said we couldn’t get on unless we had on long pants. Those are the rules. Nevermind it’s summer. Never mind the other paying passengers with shorts. Nevermind the baby. Nevermind the long pants were in the luggage that had already gone to the hold. No, no tickets.

So, after recovering from shock, we looked around the airport. No places open that sold clothes. No place to walk to. We asked at an attached hotel how to get a cab to take us to a local Walmart or something. Embarassing as hell. He said he’d take us in the hotel shuttle. $12 bucks to drive in a bus/van out to a local store. He waited outside while we ran in to a Walmart and bought some cheap pants.

We drove back and reregistered for standby for the remaining two flights of the night. We got the last flight (two flights after our almost-flight) and got on. My wife’s brother in-law made it on that flight too.

We were at a wedding in the Bahamas. After a couple of days with the wedding, driving around seeing just trees, and playing in the water we were bored. Yes, in the Bahamas. We decided to go home standby just like we got there. We left the sunny Bahamas and hopped a prop to Miami as the first leg to Dallas. This was Saturday afternoon (I think) but what it really was was “Cruise Day”. The day everyone finishes their cruises and goes home. A veritable sea of people coming and going in every possible direction in the terminal and in the air!

We looked for flights to Dallas. Then we looked for flights to elsewhere that could route to Dallas. I was better at Standby now. I could flash my badge and work behind the counter while I looked for any flight out and somewhere else. I had to fend off a few passengers coming up to ask me about booking flights (“Sorry, I’m just working on the computers”) but I would help a few people who just needed basic flight/gate/time information (made me feel good!).

We tried but couldn’t get a flight home. Dallas is a hub and everyone goes through it. Then my wife thought - we have some more days free, why don’t we visit my mom? Great idea. I checked and we could get a flight there. We registered and got on with no problems and headed out. So we went from the sunny Bahamas in February with our shorts and tee-shirts to … Washington D.C in February. We needed some new clothes anyway, and we had a great impromptu adventure.

54

So can you wear shorts on a plane or not? I’ve never heard of that restriction.

55

Airport stories?
I have a bunch of them.
Last year I was flying to Chicago via Cincinnati on Delta. Cincinnati used to be a NorthWORST hub before Delta bought them.
I land at gate 8. My flight is scheduled out of gate 8.
Gate change to gate 32.
Hoof it to the ass end of nowhere. (about 35 gates in the terminal, so I could not go much further.)
Grab a bite, another gate change to gate 34.
Flight time comes, and there is no large aluminum tube with wings outside the window to gate 34. Ask what is going on. Gate agent is short one clue.
Announcement comes: Gate change back to gate 7
Walking back I talk to one the flight attendants. He is pissed, they called him in on this day off telling him they were ready to board, and had to have an FA, when in fact the plane was not even there yet.
Monday after 9/11 I fly home from Vancouver BC on Air Canada. I get bumped to First Class, other than the then new cavity search flight goes OK.
The following Saturday, I have to fly back to Vancouver. I am sitting in the almost deserted Air Canada departure lounge at LAX.
Gate agent comes up, gets on the mike and reads 7 names to come to the podium. We get up walk to the podium and say “What?”
“You can get on the plane now”
“Aren’t you going to make a boarding announcement?”
“its just the 7 of you, go ahead and get on board.”
We board and my flight attendant from the week before was on this flight and she greeted me like a long lost friend. She then told us if we wanted to drink to sit up front, if we wanted to sleep sit in back.
I sat up front and after drinks were served she came and sat next to me and we chatted during the flight.

56

My retired parents just took a dream first class Europe trip. On the way home they connected through Amsterdam (I think. Maybe Frankfurt). There was a brand new Porsche Cayenne waiting for them with one of those guys holding a sign with their names on it.

He drove them to the first class lounge where they drank and read magazines for free until their connecting flight was ready. Then, they were driven back to the terminal where they got to sit on the second story of a 747 where they had exactly one other passenger with them. They got amazing service and had those fold flat seats where they slept like babies and arrived refreshed and content.

So jealous.

57

“You” can. People who work for the airlines or for travel agencies, etc. can’t. They have to meet standards of decorum while traveling using Company Standby Tickets. They represent the company even while flying on vacation. So no bare midrifs or knobby knees to besmeerch the airline/travel image!

58

Apparently part of the new TSA pat down screenings they stick their fingers down your waistband. Either that or I just got super lucky with that particular agent in having my rights violated that day.

I almost punched the bitch in the face.

On the positive side, I got two flight vouchers from a late December flight to Florida being continuously delayed.

59

One more: On my first solo trip overseas, arriving in New Dehli at about 11pm, I’d been travelling for around 36 hours without much sleep. The arrival area looked like it had been bombed (apparently they were renovating) but there were walls missing, wires hanging out of the ceiling, rubble everywhere. Dodged a few rats getting through customs.

The exit was just nuts, had to have been a few hundred people lining the exit path all shouting (taxi drivers, touts, tour operators etc). Luckily I had arranged for a pickup with the tour company I was with. Tour company rep. handed me off to a taxi driver who didn’t speak much english and off we went into the night.

About 1/2 way to the hotel, were were driving along an almost unlit road when we drove past five elephants being ridden along the road shoulder. My driver pointed & said “elephant” and all I could do was nod & think to myself “I’m so glad he can see them too” (36 hours remember) :slight_smile:

60

I had been to Rome on business and my officemate was called back a day early. I was alone in a foreign country for the first time. That worked fine and I saw the Colliseum and I got a cab to the airport the next morning. When I told him the flight time he seemed to be scolding me and saying we should have left earlier. I thought getting there inside an hour was okay, but was worried. We got to the airport and walked into the terminal. I first notied the Italian officiers carrying their machine guns and walking with their german sheppards. Then I noticed the throngs of people two and three wide stretching back from each counter sopt, whether it had an agent or not.

People were sitting in line or sleeping against walls. Everyone was talking or milling and it all seemed caotic. I didn’t have time for such long lines and I already had business-class tickets. I waited, near a counter, as I watched an agent move too and fro, fending questions and reaching for tickets and generally trying to look harrassed as he worked the crowd. I got up my nerve and waited for a spot. I interrupted him to ask innocently where to go for the flight. This way I could ascertain if I needed to be anywhere in these lines or elsewhere. He snatched them, frowned, and proceeded to chide me for being late, “You should have been here earlier”, etc. I truly felt wrong and apologized for being late and asked what I should do? Well, his attitude changed immediately. He lightened up and said not to worry, it was alright. And he proceeded to handle the tickets and tell me to hurry “that way” to the gate.

I saw that a little apologizing versus arguing went a Long way. So I run to the gate expecting to be just in time to get on. I arrive at the gate to find a large sea of people waiting to be taken to the plane. I would have been late waiting in the other line to get boarding passes, but was in time having gotten his help. So we were bussed out to the plane and walked up stairs (I thought these went out decades ago). I was surprised to find that my tickets pointed me up the siral stairs to the 12 passenger cabin on the top of the 747. The flight back was nice.

Connections in Toronto for the flight to Dallas were delayed. I was a virgin traveler and worried about missing my plane because I didn’t know what to do if I did. I was told that the flight was boarding and to run. I hurried through customs and ran through the terminal. It was pretty empty expect for two pilots stolling along through the empty halls. I ran past them thinking that they can afford to walk, their plane isn’t going anywhere whithout them. I was litterally the last passenger on the plane. As I was getting seated I noticed those two pilots getting onboard. They were the pilot and copilot of my plane. If I’d known I could have slowed down and walked with them!