The principal purpose of the new housing development in my neighborhood is to destroy hope, dreams, and individuality.
Bits of alien craft, aliens, fish men, sunken cities etc are kept in the basment of every major museum. They refuse to exhibit the stuff until they figure out just what it is. They refuse to let anybody else examine it until they’ve published first.
The Disney corporation is a battleground. One faction wants to use the company to homogenize human existence and make every child grey and faceless. The other faction wants to bring true magic back to the world. The removal of the 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ride from Disneyworld was a victory of the grey faction.
The ornamental iron work on older homes and buildings is due to the fact that the fairyfolk were much stronger then.
JFK was killed by Oswald, who acted alone. But afterwards, the CIA, FBI and various government agencies made an elaborate show of hiding something, in order to convince the world that a conspiracy existed.
Eminem is a front. Dr. Dre has secretly been working overtime and feeding Eminem all his best stuff so that a white rapper could get really popular and move rap further into the mainstream.
I think this, too. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to discover that somewhere in Canberra is a small office, in which a Civil Servant is poring over a dossier of things I like, with Red Pen at the ready.
"What’s this? Cherry Coke? We’d better get rid of that! Can’t have him buying that now, can we? And that brand of deodorant that he really likes is gone, thank you very much! And while we’re at it, I think that Futurama show’s had far too much airtime, and don’t even think about seeing more episodes of Red Dwarf or Blackadder anytime soon! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
More prevalent than male pattern baldness is male pattern blindness (the inability to see something that is right in front of you)
If the masses truly understood what the word “average” means, most would be sobbing, lumps of flesh.
We are as much a part of this world as any other creature. Religion makes us feel separate from nature and has robbed us of the joy of feeling included.
For some reason, we never understand the effect our children will have on us. I think if I had known, I would have gotten knocked up as soon as it was physically possible, and our lack of understanding allows us to wise up a bit.
This world would be a much more pleasant place if things would just slow down a bit.
There is alot to be said for small talk. Hey, how are you? How is your wife? Is your leg healing up ok?
But then we’d have time to fight them off. No, a perfert plan would be for our electronics to work spendidly, so that we’d be so distracted that the chinese could take over without firing a shot.
Hell, if they didn’t screw with the entertainment, most people probably wouldn’t even notice.
my granny was really the grand dutchess annastasia, they just hid her in arkansas so the bad guys couldn’t find her.
somehow, i have pissed off the entire providence of alberta, canada. that’s why every time a snowbird almost kills me on the road, they are from alberta.
the u.s. army is recruiting speakers of the klingon language, to use as code-talkers in the next major war.
alien beings are putting reverse-crop circles in my yard to make me look stupid. i call them yard squares.
For about $22.50, teeth can be thoroughly cleaned, and then coated with a simple plastic film and you would never get another cavity or have plak for the rest of your life, making dentists unnecessary.
Detroit has had a gas-free engine for decades, but has been paid off by the oil companies and until the last drops of gasoline have been sold for $1,000,000,000,000 a gallon - they will not produce those engines.
The woeful education of American children is a Republican plan to create a culture of stupid asses who will continue to vote for the same Republicans who made them stupid to begin with.
That if the Nazis had crushed Russia and/or fought the war to a stalemate, all the rebellious teenagers and college students in the west would be fascist posers, complete with brown t-shirts that had a stencil picture of Horst Wessel wearing a beret.
That Charles Schultz’ “Peanuts,” in a bizarre coincidence, happens to be the archetype for almost all Japanese animated works.
That when we die, we’re going to have to stand for judgement before the one true god…some gold-plated, skull faced proto-babylonian deity who’s pissed off because he hasn’t been getting his goat sacrifices for the last 3000 years.
The “collective subconscious” indeed exists…and we must find a way to kill it before it destroys us all.
Women get up secretly in the night and surreptitiously move the stuff around in the fridge, so it’s never quite where you left it, but not far enough away to arouse suspicion: that way they can mess with our heads while getting to act all smug and superior.
Big Media keeps the lid on all the pre-TV culture (music and movies) they can because it fails to reinforce today’s consumer culture and makes their current product look pathetic.
Most TV news, and almost all TV entertainment, relies on creating a nagging undefined hunger in the viewer which it deliberately does not fulfill.
Business Casual dress codes are not meant so much to make employees more comfortable as to discourage displays of individual style.
Big crazy theory: What we think of now as aliens are actually humans in the far distant future, considerably evolved, and travelling back in time to study their origins.
Small crazy theory: 80% of the time when in social situations a confluence of atmospheric events, lighting and visual reference point do, in fact, render me invisible.
Also: All NHL hockey referees are fair and unbiased until the Lightning are playing. Then, they are paid extra money to come up with as many bs penalty calls as possible against them, and to ignore as many would-be penalties against the opposing team.
This ain’t crazy. I’ve pretty much accepted it as fact. I don’t necessarily blame Republicans-- I blame politicians in general. They’re all the same. I swear, I think that each year’s crop of candidates sit down and have a meeting.
“Bob, you’re going to be pro-gun control while Will is going to be soft on it, but Tough on Crime by suggesting new legislation. Ed, you’re going to be the Christian Candidate. Make sure you’re juuuuuust wacky enough with it to piss off the hard-core liberals and enough to get your consituents fired up, but not enough to look truly nutty. Tom, you’re going to appeal to the liberals, but make sure you go to church now and then. Stan, you’re this year’s whacko candidate, thrown in for a bit of comic relief.”
“Good plan, Mike. Remember people, you’ve got to look different enough from your ‘opponent,’” (waggles quote signs next to his ears) “to give the people that illusion of choice.”
“Okay, on to the next subject. What Moral Panic issue are we going to toss out this year to keep 'em distracted? Gay marriage is getting old. Immigration is promising, but I’m not sure it’s got enough steam to carry us through the next election. Has anyone heard of any new drugs that sound scary?”
“How about welfare bums?”
“Nahh, too 80s. Give it another ten years, then we’ll bring it up again.”
“Well, I’m sure we’ll think of something by the next meeting. Just remember, people, we have to make the American public afraid of it, but while simultaneously suggesting we have the solution to it. Now, who’s up for pancakes? Let’s all go to IHOP.”
Dogs are really on recon from Outer Space and observing us, taking notes, using telepathy on us and enjoying a nice little vacation before going back to The Dog Star planet. (Or they are Reincarnated Overworked business men and women. Take your pick.)
Cats have the ability to slip through some kind of time continuum rip that is usually located under a bed or just around the next corner a head of you,( but you cannot access it because there is a retina scan involved) and magically reappear somewhere else in the house even though…they…were…just…here…a …second …ago.
Foods that are good for you are more expensive and never.go.on.sale. Foods that taste good ( or you are use too) are bad for you and are always on bi-monthly sales. This is sponsored in part by the Diet Industry and the Fashion Industry
( who hate everyone.)
Refrigerators must have one veggie or fruit to be sacrificed or it will kill off some larger foodstuff item of vital importance at a critical time. Kiwi’s and celery are a lovely sacrifical offering.
Staplers and pens around here are self aware and are the polar opposite of where we are when we need them. Hangers, too, seem to be migratory and nocturnal (daylight causes them to disappear) and end up in a closet huddled together in fear of being seperated from their herd.
Flat surfaces must be covered with papers and stuff. It is the natural order of things.
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There are things that I have seen that are simply wrong, cannot be, are flat out impossible - therefore they must be the result of some pharmacologically-based hallucination. However, I’ve never taken recreational chemicals…so, at some point, somewhere in the future, I must be going to - and these events are “flashforwards.”
I’m also ageless - having used the International Date Line to successfully evade a birthday. After all, you can only be age “N” for 366 days at most, so I’m not that age anymore. And I never turned “N+1,” because that day didn’t exist for me - so I could never have been “N+1.” and it’s impossible to become “N+2” without having been “N+1” first. I’m therefore ageless.
Women are biologically compelled to nibble their children’s food. Cave-women did it to assure it was not poisonous, to assure the survival of their offspring.
Everyone else in the world dies eventually. Just not me.