Come on, we’ve all got at least one! Sure, you know it isn’t true, but part of you secretly wants it to be, just so you can say “A-ha! I knew it all along!”
Mine:
Diet Soft Drinks are a big conspiracy by the Soft Drink Companies to sell watered down versions of their regular products to people who have a major guilt complex.
Every ballpoint pen in the universe is designed to run out of ink at the moment you most need it to write down the hot member of the opposite (or same, if that’s your thing) sex’s phone number, the details of an important job or work-related thing, or a code/serial number that’s vitally important for some other purpose.
Chinese Batteries are deliberately made to discharge themselves even when a device is turned off, so that when the Red Chinese Army decides to invade, no-one in the West will have a working television remote or CD/MP3 player.
Car Keys are in fact self-aware, and capable of transporting themselves around your house and surrounds through wormholes in the time-space continuum.
Staplers are built like guns from Hollywood Action movies- they never, ever run out of staples (or bullets) until the plot (or an ISO 9001 Audit) renders them absolutely vital.
There’s a Government Department that secretly follows you around when you shop, and waits until you think you’ve found the cheapest price on a item (and purchased it!), before having the price on an the exact same, identical item lowered 10-25% somewhere else…
Men can’t find things because of the way humans evolved. Women are more adapted to finding items because, as gatherers, they had to remember where the berry bushes were located, and be able to find edible roots among patches of useless vegetation. Men had only to locate game on the spot and kill it, thus their brains did not develop as sharp an ability to remember where articles are, or to be able to spot the ketchup among all of the other bottles in the fridge.
No matter what the NFL Redskins do ~80% of the National Press will flop around like they are choking on a peice of fish in a restaurant over how crazy and amateurish it is.
They do this because they flat out, hate the owner at a very personal level. Never mind that he has turned the Redskins into the western hemisphere’s number 1 most valuable sports franchise and a top 5 world wide most valuable sports franchise, single-handedly mind you – well that’s neither here nor there – he is the “boy billionaire”, a meddler, “difficult” and a dilettante and any signing the Redskins make is questionable and crazy and they all pile on. It is overkill and obnoxious.
That the concept of special “breakfast foods” was invented by those nutjob reformers Kellog and Post, and that actually there’s nothing unusual about eating the same things for breakfast as dinner. Like they do in China and Mexico and Italy. (Have you ever been in one of those restaurants and seen a breakfast menu?"
This is not crazy. It is true. Gatherers also had to be able while browsing to notice things they were not originally looking for; thus most women are better at shopping than men.
My own theory on a separate subject: Coffee and chocolate both count as vegetables. After all, they are made from beans. Peanuts have protein, and milk has calcium. Therefore, a snickers bar and a cup of coffee are a balanced meal.
Another is that my family likes to hide things. They will hide, for example, my keys or some other thing I really need, and then, when I have been driven nearly mad with frustration, will sneak the object back into the place where I had originally put it. They do this because they are Evil.
If I stay up too late, the reasons my cat comes around and yells at me to go to bed is so that he can be up to Mischief while I am sleeping.
The reason we have our last teeth come in when we are in our late teens is so that we will remember clearly how uncomfortable that is and understand why our babies yell when they are teething.
This is all kids stuff. Let’s deal with the BIG questions. When it comes to the origins of the universe, there are basically two competing theories: omniscient all-powerful God and Big Bang. Neither theory is ideal. The God people can’t produce empirical evidence, have to wriggle around the problem of evil stuff happening to innocent kids, and can’t agree among themselves. The Big Bang people can’t explain what caused the Big Bang or how it all got started.
I propose a theory that is better than either of the above, and anyone can see immediately that it fits all the evidence you see around you every day. My theory is that the universe was created by a God who exists outside of time, space and causality AND who is flawed, imperfect, sometimes stupid, sometimes brilliant, sometimes prone to glaring errors, sometimes attentive but sometimes distracted and not paying attention, sometimes lazy and sometimes moody, temperamental and capricious.
I like the theory that God delegates because he couldn’t be bothered. UNder this theory, Satan was given control of our solar system, but even he couldn’t be bothered, so he delegated Earth to a committee of a few minor demons.
I also like the one that evolution is a crock. Sure it exists, but the higher life forms only advance to become more comfortable ‘cars’ with more features, and these are used by the only important life forms, viruses, to ride about in.
I think there are still large land animals to be discovered. Not goofy things like the yeti, but regular old animals like the South American rhino or the arctic sloth.
The cure for the common cold was discovered decades ago but has been kept under wraps by major pharmaceutical companies because they make billions of dollars every winter through the sale of OTC remedies.
Vitamin C manufacturers maliciously implant rhinoviruii and stuff into their pills, so that when people do the megadose thing at the start of ‘sniffle season’, they get infected with a full-blown lurgy instead. And I know this because I can time the onset of my yearly ‘cold in the head’ to within a few hours once I have swallowed those damned horse-pills. Same with tissue-producers I suspect too.
It’s a conspiracy, I tells ya.
Small Crazy Theory: Runs in pantyhose are contagious, which is why no matter how many pairs I have or how old/new they are, they all spring runs at the same damn time.
Big Crazy Theory: God is actually Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons: “Ha-ha!”
When it snows in April in Virginia, it’s not really snow at all, but volcanic ash. The idea of snow in April is so crazy to me that it can’t possibly be true. Volcanic ash, now that’s a theory I can get behind.
Textile production having advanced to its current status, ironing exists only to feed the needs of (insert favourite conspiracy scapegoat here) and fuel the fires of oppression.
It is possible to make nylon stockings that are pleasant to wear. The scarcity of them points to the persistence of gender inequality.
In the same vein, if men got pregnant abortion would be federally funded, safe, comfortable, and available on demand free 24 hours/day within walking distance.
Anything bad that happened to you while you were giving birth derives principally from the desire of your obstetrician to be home on time for dinner that day.
I’m convinced that I will only achieve true happiness and balance with the world when I am able to get through a whole, average day, wearing three-inch heels. Without falling. It doesn’t count if I have to take them off and walk home from the bus station with bare, throbbing feet.
When you find only one sock in the dryer and never find its mate, it’s because they’ve gotten a divorce and one has moved out. The one still in the dryer is the one with the better lawyer, because it got to keep the house.
Brussels sprouts are not actually food. Someone screwed up - we’re not actually supposed to be eating those.
Stores hide everything in my size when I walk in. Still haven’t figured out why… but I’m sure they do.
The SDMB hates the Dallas Mavericks. And I have the proof! I watch TV on my PC, and was checking out the SDMB during a commercial break during tonight’s game, when my screen locked up. And it was the end of a tight game, so I didn’t have time to reboot. I could only listen and stare at my worthless screen.
At an age too early for me to remember, two or so, I must have suffered some kind of brain damage that has left my intellect unimpaired but destroyed my ability to comprehend some aspect of human social behavior that is obvious to everyone else. For some unknown reason, there has been a lifelong conspiracy by everyone I know to humor me, to politely pretend that there’s nothing wrong with me. Whenever I meet someone new, they are discreetly informed about me and the necessity of keeping the truth from me for my own good.
The scary part is that utterly paranoid as this theory is, it perfectly explains how everyone interacts with me.
Losing your car keys and remote is one of the Great American Cliches, but honestly, I put my TV remotes in one place and my car keys in the other, and they go in the same place every single time I put them down, and I haven’t lost them once since I started doing this. I’m a disorganized guy in general, but I’ve found that if your vital stuff goes in one place every time you never lose it.
There’s a small Federal Department that watches me, and evaluates how much I like products. If they think I like it too much, it is immediately discontinued, or changed to make it less appealing.
