Your Usual Cinema Rant

The BBQ Pit
1

The film: Spiderman 2
The time: Friday 9pm showing
The morons: Father, Mother, Auntie and a one year old baby.

What kind of moron, you ask, takes a one year old baby to a late(ish) night showing of Spiderman? The answer is; the kind of morons that sat in front of us yesterday. Do they honestly think that junior is going to nap quietly while Spiddy and Dr Octopus slug it out with full orchestral score in dolby surround sound?

So we are treated to the start of the film where it’s obvious that the child is not going to settle. So what do our morons do? They spend the ten minutes passing the child back and forth. Not settled with Mother, how about Auntie? Not happy being held by your Aunt? How about if Auntie jiggles you up and down in front of the screen? Nope? How about being passed back along to Father? Still not happy? Here, try Mother again.

After about 10 minutes of this junior has had enough and starts crying. People around them are starting to get restless (my friend lets out an audible, but involuntary, “You have got to kidding!”) and it gets through to Father, perhaps not as big a moron as the other two, that this isn’t going to work. He leaves with child, never to return. At least not to these seats.

Problem over you think? Ha!

It appears that Auntie’s English is not so good. So everytime there’s a quiet talkie bit (Peter Parker does a lot of musing in this film) she turns to Mother and says (in Urdu I suspect) “What they saying?” Mother obliges with a running translation. Now, they’re not exactly shouting, but nor are they making any effort to keep it down.

I know it must be difficult not understanding the language that well, but that’s not my problem. I didn’t pay my money to have the film ruined by a constant chatter. Wait until the film comes out on DVD and put the subtitles on.

Something has to be done. Pretty soon Mother finds that every time she starts talking her chair gets a “accidental” dunt from behind. She doesn’t care for this, but it takes her a further 15 minutes to work out the connection. She swaps seats with Auntie and drastically reduces the commentry in length and volume.

I get a nasty stare at the end of the film.

2

The only solution is to change your seat, and/or call an usher. You get someone in authority, tell them that you can’t watch the film because of the people making noise in front of you, and you want your money back.

3

My favorite is the one who describes everything that happens on the screen, jus to hear themselves talk:

“Oh my god they’re kissing!”
“She did NOT just go in that basment!”
“She’s getting in the car!”

Usually pairs of old ladies; often groups of teenage girls.

4

The one that annoys me is

“Did you see that?”

NO. No I did not see that. Sure there’s this fucking huge all-encompassing screen in front of me but the ceiling is much more interesting.

5

I said everything I needed to say right here.

Anything else would be repetition. Although people with cell phones need to turn the damn things off when in the movie. This is not your office, jerkweed.

6

Pssssssssssssst, little known secret. Go to the movies on Saturday or Sunday Mornings, particularly Sundays. That is, if the theatres in your town have showings as early as 9, 10:30 am, around there. My mom and I have gone to the movies 2 Sundays in a row, at just prior to 11am. We have had the whole theatre to ourselves (which in the case of the Bourne Supremecy, this am, was a GOOD thing as it begged heckling :D).

On Saturdays, it’s too early for the Friday night partyers to get up, and families are usually having family breakfast. Sundays are primo, not only are the Saturday night partyers still passed out or nursing hangovers, you got all the church folks out of the way too.

Not a morning person? Try any other weeknight than Friday or Saturdays, providing it’s not summertime. Try the movies that start right after work, or possibly weekday noon movies (our office occasionally all “play hookey” and go to the movies friday at noon).

For some bizarre reason it seems like the hours typically best for “date nights” are also the ones that bring out the inconsiderate parents with babies, or loud preteens.