How did I miss that? :smack: :smack: :smack: :smack:
Awesome thread!!!
Here’re mine:
-
I’d open films with a montage of scenes to help viewers fall into the setting, and I’d always cameo in the third scene shown in the montage.
-
I’d use very view cuts between people in conversations, prefering a moving camera and continuous shot.
and lastly
- Obsessive attention to detail in the setting and storyline
Fine, but you better believe that, as a true artiste, I’m going to nuance the hell out of those buttfucking scenes.
Well, that and a December release will get you an Oscar nomination.
I’d always have any background chatter - from radio, television, or even extras in scenes - be rendered in a sort of english-sounding nonsense, a la The Sims. It would be kind of a spoken analogue to Repo Man’s “MILK” and “BEER” on labels.
I’d also be one of those Vincent Gallo-esque directors who’s megalomaniacal about the production, doing everything - “Written, Produced, Directed, Scored by, and Starring Freejooky.”
Last spring, I co-wrote a radio drama and named an EMT (three or four lines, maybe) Cecil Adams. The part went to a woman, so that turned into Cecile… ah well. The character gave her age as 42 years old. I also named the protagonist after three of my friends, combining names. I’d probably keep doing things like that, and I like working subtle literary references into stories.
Some kind of Godzilla/Kaiju reference (don’t ask).
Just like that Immodium commercial.
Are you Carl Weezer?
Hmm… if I were a big famous artiste…
I’d have at least one scene in which several of the lines of dialogue are actually song titles/lyrics.
Whenever possible, the dialogue would make reference to a character that’s never seen. This character would be named and described in consistant ways throughout all my films.
Random bit players who are introduced entirely for the purpose of killing them off would be wearing red.
thwartme
All of my movies would have more than one intelligent and interesting female character, who does more than be a romantic subplot for the hero. When alone, these women will not talk about men or sex. They will not scream helplessly when the hero is attacked/trapped, they will leap in to help kill monsters.
Sounds like we have a fantasy here. A fantasy that people are going to make movies like this, that is. :smack:
Due to an error on a final project that was looked at as intentional brilliance (hey, who am I to disolusion my teacher?), There’d be at least one moment in each film where a phone would ring, pause for an abnormally long time, then ring again.
Dot’s Directorial Trademarks:
- Character Named/Credited as Adam Anderson (who will always be dressed slobbily, have a 5 o’clock shadow, wear his dark shoulder-length hair in a ponytail, and have a small platinum ring in his left earlobe)
- Director’s Cameo - but never with my face clearly visible
- Reference to my other movies - once I make more films, of course
I try to see movies with decently-written women characters in them. Sometimes when my friends mock me for not seeing a movie in a long time I trot this out as my excuse on why I haven’t. I did like *The Incredibles * which had four! four female characters! at least two of whom were ass-kickers!
I’d almost rather see an action flick with no chicks at all than an action flick whose only chick is there to provide a sex scene.
Hijack’s over, sorry Mr. Blue Sky.
There would be amazingly hot women in each of my movies. None of them would be able to act and everyone would wonder if they slept with the director in order to get the part. I would never tell. 
I’ve thought about it some more, and my big trademark, never before done by any director in the history of filmmaking, will be to include at least one character who is irrelevant to the plot (and possibly even distracting), simply for merchandising opportunities. I just don’t think anyone’s going to get the Strange Brew references.
- Frequent use of low light
- Real-life sounds in background (including 99% silence)
- Male genitalia
-
I would include a fish tank in every film. There would be at least one close up of the tank and I would never populate it with fish that don’t go together (A Fish Called Wanda, I’m looking at you)
-
There would one Marvin Martian in each film. Either on a tv, on a poster, on a clock or something.
-
The word “kread” (spoken or written) will appear in each film. This is a secret word and will never be explained.
-
In each film, there will be a conversation which is tangential to the plot, but will help establish characters (gullible, sentimental, brainy) by citing and debunking an urban legend. Example: Naive girl gets “forward this e-mail to fifty friends and Bill Gates will pay for ten minutes of dialysis for a terminally ill kid” message and starts crying. Her mother asks why, and proceeds to set her daughter straight, perhaps by saying “Go to Snopes and check it out!”
-
At least one Billy Joel song, and at least one Gordon Lightfoot number, on the soundtrack.
-
Since I was born in 1959, each film (unless I do a picture set in the too-distant past) will feature an automobile from that model year in clear view – as part of an extended flashback; a twenty-first-century gearhead’s pride and joy; driven by a hot chick who flashes the protagonist during a chase scene; or any other way that strikes my fancy.
The sink drawer. You know how in many American kitchens, there’s a fake “drawer” in front of the sink so that the cabinet face matches with the other drawers? In my movies, I’d have a moment in the background where a character takes something out/puts something in the sink drawer. I’d aim for subtlty so that maybe 90 % of viewers wouldn’t notice it themselves, and 10 % (you can reverse those numbers for the sharp-witted Doper crowd) say "hey, did that guy in the background get a spoon from the fake sink drawer?
I’d also like to add that I’ve been thinking about this for about 15 years. When I saw the thread title, I thought “Wow, finally an opportunity to share my fake sink drawer idea!” Thanks, Mr. Blue Sky!