Okay, so if I’m absolutely stuck with the conditions of the Rhymer’s penultimate paragraph, I’ll borrow from an old folk tale I read in elementary school. All of these efforts, of course, are buying me time while I thoroughly investigate the situation and incontrovertibly document my findings.
I’m assuming that, being the celebrity superhero that Clark and his kin tend to be (when not in disguise), I have enough prestige to be able to ask Governor ReElectMe and/or the execution team if I can be present at the execution time and they’ll grant me my strange wish. I’m also assuming that I have access to any number of limited-use or one-off superpowers that seem strange but useful for the episode/issue at the time. We’ve seen at least two other threads and a website devoted to the odd powers and explanations my cousin Clark uses, and I’ve got a couple of my own.
~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~
After the executioner inserts the needle that connects to the capital poison, I will use my super heat vision, focused through a pair of eyeglasses to weaken the rubber gaskets on the syringes so that, when they’re depressed, the plungers are unable to send fluid through the intravenous delivery tube. (I may have to remotely melt the interior of the tube itself, as well, to thoroughly block the flow of fluid into MyFriend Junior’s body.
Due to an equipment malfunction, the execution will be rescheduled and an alternate method will be chosen.
During the interim, I will deliver my evidence to Governor ReElectMe. He will thank me and promise to read it, then watch me leave, then dump my paperwork into an incinerator – fueling the device for several hours.
I will ask to be present at the public hanging, as well. Naturally, my request will be granted, along with the requests of several dozen news reporters (dozens more than usually cover these events) because a second attempt at an execution is a rare and newsworthy event in and of itself.
When the executioner grabs the handle, I will remotely super-magnetize the nails on the trap door and the nails on the platform that surround the trapdoor. The trapdoor will not fall and, therefore, MyFriend Junior will not plunge through the hole and have his neck snapped.
Due to an equipment malfunction, the execution will be rescheduled and an alternate method will be chosen.
During the interim, I will deliver my evidence to Federal Authorities. They will thank me and promise to read it, then watch me leave, then dump my paperwork into an incinerator – fueling the device for several hours.
I will ask to be present at the beheading, as well. Naturally, my request will be granted, along with the requests of several scores of news reporters because a third attempt at an execution is an extremely rare and very newsworthy event in and of itself.
I will visit MyFriend Junior immediately before the execution date, making sure we both smile at the cameras during our interview, making sure he insists on his innocence, and making sure I’m seen shaking the condemned man’s hand as the session ends. With that touch, I’ll convey my own impenetrable skin power to my friend’s son.
The blade will fall, yet fail to cut through the condemned man’s neck. Repeated attempts will only chip the sharpened edge.:dubious:
Due to an equipment malfunction, the execution will be rescheduled and an alternate method will be chosen.
During the interim, I will personally hand my evidence to the President of the United States. He will look me straight in the eye and, without any discernable emotion whatsoever, tell me that it’s a State’s matter and he is therefore powerless to intervene.
I will ask to be present at the firing squad, as well. Naturally, my request will be granted, along with the requests of several hundred news reporters because a fourth attempt at an execution is an unheard of and very newsworthy event around the world.
The night before the execution, I will sneak in and replace the standard issue bullets with Wolf ammunition, disguising the cartridges to look like standard-issue rounds, of course. I will also drive a brass spike into the top of the prisoner’s post, and put a chunk of Neodymium on top of the spike. At sunrise the next morning, MyFriend Junior will be offered a cigarette, blindfolded, and tied to the post. When the executioner yells AIM! I will remotely super-hyper-ultra-magnetize the Neodymium chunk. When the squad responds to “FIRE!” the steel-cored bullets will be pulled sharply upward and past the condemned man. Any shots that somehow end up hitting him will meet his impenetrable skin.:rolleyes:
Due to an equipment malfunction, the execution will be rescheduled and an alternate method will be chosen.
During the interim, I will offer my evidence to a session of the United Nations. They will all look at me and laugh. Somebody with a bit of kindness will remind me that the UN is unable to intercede in the routine proceedings of courts martial or domestic penal systems. I will hand my evidence to a reporter for Human Rights Watch International. They will publish a special edition about the matter and, like their regular editions, it will go unnoticed by anybody with any influence in the world.
I will ask to be present at the electrocution, as well. Naturally, my request will be granted, along with the requests of several thousand news reporters from around the world, all of whom got tips about the matter from friends who work in facilities and operations at the UN accommodations in New York.
As MyFriend Junior is being strapped in, I will interrupt the proceedings and say, “I don’t know what divine powers you believe in, but whichever one of them controls justice certainly seems to believe in this man. You’ve tried five times to kill him and you have failed every time. It’s time to take a good look at my evidence and realize it was TheRealCulprit who did it and not MyFriend Junior.” Then I will dramatically pull TheRealCulprit into the cameras’ view and tell the presiding authorities to take him/her away.
Epilogue:
During the commutation celebration party MyFriend Junior will discover he is severely allergic to alcohol when someone urges him to toast with champagne. Thoroughly inebriated after just one glass, he’ll stagger swiftly to the restroom, slip on a wet tile, pitch headlong into a stall, smack his head on a porcelain rim, and drown in a pool of fresh water, eucalyptus, and blue bleach. Superpowers were unable to prevent such a calamity.:smack:
—G!
Justice is one thing.
Karma? Now that is something else entirely.:eek:
) if you’re not a known super-hero. In the Superman episodes mentioned above, Martha & Jon’s boy got the response he did because he had a public reputation for extreme probity (and maybe because, in the back of his mind, the governor was thinking, “Do not annoy the demigod”).