Since Halloween is less than a week away, and the season brings out the living dead (well, it does happen every day i must admit…visit any 8:00 AM collee class), i thought this handy dandy guide, written by the folks at: http://www.phillyburbs.com/halloween2000/zombies/zombiesknow.shtml would be very useful. Remember, you dont HAVE to wind up as the walking dead, even if you resemble it after just waking up, or after a hard night of drinking!
Zombies: What you should know
As any expert on the zombie menace will tell you, zombies don’t kill people. People kill people.
Zombies just help.
Surviving a zombie invasion is 90% common sense and rational understanding of your situation. Take a moment to review the basics:
- Most zombies are not spry. The fact is, they just aren’t well wired anymore. If accosted, you can walk around it; it won’t catch up. For fun, run around one in circles and make it dizzy - it’s more fun than cow tipping. If one happens to get close, give it a good shove and watch it topple like your drunken Uncle Phil on Christmas Eve.
Exceptions may include:
The zombies that Michael Jackson danced with in his “Thriller” and “Ghosts” videos. Do not panic - these were only actors, with appliances designed to make the dancers look even more disfigured and bizarre than Jackson himself.
If you encounter disco-dancing zombies, enjoy the floorshow from a safe distance. Feel free to applaud; leave at any time. If you see Michael Jackson himself, know he will not give you money for looking at him. Run away.
- Zombies are social critters. Traveling with other zombies make zombies feel more intelligent. Which somewhat explains what Michael was up to in the first place. They also find that traveling in packs aids in hunting: really stupid people are more likely to trip over one of them if they are littering the landscape. If you find yourself being slowly surrounded by zombies, calmly un-surround yourself. They hate when you do that. Don’t hide in phone booths. Don’t lock yourself in unmoving vehicles. Locomotion is your advantage - use it.
Exceptions include:
The one smart-aleck zombie that holes up for months alone in a closet, hoping that some dope will open the door in search of a fresh tie or something. They then leap out, all mouth and fingers, like a puberty stricken horndog going for second base.
Poor socialization skills; ambitious and sneaky. If Bill Gates turned into a zombie, he’d be one of these guys.
There’s no avoiding these kinds of sticky situations; just be aware of them, and disarm them as gracefully as you can. It helps if you’ve ever been a 16 year old girl out on her fourth date.
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Zombies have limited offensive capability. Mainly they bite, like a lil’ sissy boy. That’s a close range weapon with a range of about three inches square. Don’t let them get that close. Refuse slow dances. Don’t be taken in by the old ‘gee your hair smells terrific’ routine. You’ll be fine.
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Zombies are a constant annoying presence. They smell bad, dress poorly, have rotten posture, and pester you incessantly. They invade your personal space, come rushing up to you at inopportune times, and just will not leave you in peace. They will stop at nothing to get close to you.
Congratulations.
You now know how celebrities feel about us.
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Zombies are mostly grazing creatures. Out of sight, out of mind is the key to zombie survival. They tend to just shamble around until somebody is dopey enough to call attention to themselves and wait around for their inevitable surround and swarm. If you can get past the rot, zombies could be likened to carnivorous sloth.
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Zombies don’t surf. Or sail, or drive, or fly, or even ordinarily use elevators. They are very shaker-esque in their view of transportation technology. Man in motion makes for an impossible zombie target.
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Zombies are fragile. Hardly worth the appellation of ‘monster’ at all, zombies are incredibly easy to break. With a little lack of restraint, a dojo of well-seasoned zombies could be reduced to a pile of flailing appendages by a motivated maniac in no time flat. The only real danger in dealing with zombies is doing so with a any grip on social etiquette.
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Zombies are very good at being where you don’t expect them to be. So, when you approach a place you’re not expecting a zombie to be, expect one. (Offered by zombie expert Daniel Peyton)
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There are no Zombies in MENSA. Generally, zombie IQ is somewhere just above the average postage stamp. Don’t try to reason with one, and don’t try to outsmart one. (A second offering by zombie expert Daniel Peyton)
Go here for more on Zombies…even how to look like one for halloween!
http://www.phillyburbs.com/halloween2000/zombies/index.shtml
Oh, and if you feel the need to add more, please do so!