Gather 'round, best beloveds, Unca Fenris is gonna share his secret recipe for the ultimate BBQ’d Pork Sammich. It’s time consuming, but it’s easy to make and so good that anyone who tries it will go all weak in the knees and want to have sex with you.
Ok, insane bbq purists may say that “this isn’t true bbq!” or “real men don’t use gas grills”. All you need to do to these types is to give them a smug grin as you think about all the good sex that this recipe will get you.
First you get hickory chips. If you’re feeling macho, you’ll go into the woods, chop down a hickory tree, season the wood for a year and then chop the seasoned wood into chips. But if not, you wanna buy the kind made of real wood…not the pressed sawdust kind or the “artifical hickory-flavored briquette like product”. Dump a bunch of them into the sink and fill the sink up with hot water. Let 'em soak for at least 45 minutes. Yes, the package says “Soak 'em for 10 minutes.” Who you gonna believe: that lying plastic bag or Unca Fenris?
Next. Get a couple o’ pork shoulders, BONE IN. If you can’t get BONE IN pork shoulders get BONE IN pork butt. But shoulder is better. If you can’t get either, kill your butcher and go to a different store.
Take 2T ground cumin, 1T paprika, 2 tsp kosher salt, 4 or 5 grinds of pepper, 1 tsp garlic powder and, if you can get 'em, 1 tsp dried chipotle chili flakes, put 'em in a pan and toast 'em, stirring constantly. The minute it starts smelling “toasted” (you’ll know) yank it off the heat and dump into a container. Let it cool, add 5T of brown sugar, stir.
Take your pork shoulders, sprinkle some Liquid Smoke and the Juice of a couple of limes over the pork shoulders. Spread the dry rub all over the shoulders. Put 'em on a rack and then put 'em into the oven (yes, the oven. Trust me) at 275[sup]o[/sup] for at least an hour. Longer is better.
Then mix up the BBQ sauce. This is where we enter the realm of art.
Take 3 bottles of Heintz Chili Sauce. Dump 'em in a pot. Squeeze lime juice into one of the now-empty bottles until it’s between 1/4 and 1/3 of the way full of lime-juice. Shake well to get remaining chili sauce mixed into the lime juice and dump in the pot. Throw that bottle out. Take the next bottle, fill half way with apple cider vinegar. Shake well, dump into pot, throw out bottle. Take the third bottle, get regular white vinegar, fill a 1/6th of the way, shake well and dump into pot.) Add 1/3d cup of brown sugar, 1 tsp of bacon fat OR butter (bacon fat’s better, duh), 1 tsp celery salt, 1 tsp garlic powder, 1 tsp red chili flakes (the kind you put on pizza) and 1 tsp hot sauce (“Frank’s Hot Sauce” is great, but even Tabasco will do in a pinch). Mix well, heat and taste. If you taste it and think “Damn that’s good sauce but it’s a little too vinegary.” it’s perfect. If it doesn’t taste a little too vinegary add more by tablespoonful until it does. Trust me on this.
Take your pork out of the oven. Scoop off most of the porkfat, and pour the juices into the sauce. Stir. Taste. It should be better, but still a little to vinegary. If it’s not, add yet more vinegar (by tablespoonful) until it tastes right…
Let it sit on warm: it shouldn’t boil or even simmer. Just keep it warm so the flavors meld.
Get your grill. If it’s charcoal, scrunch the coals all over to one side. If it’s gas, only turn on one side. Take a handful of the woodchips. Put 'em in the center of a big sheet of tinfoil. Fold tinfoil into a tight packet. Poke holes in the packet. Put the packet on the bottom (assuming you have multiple grill levels) grill rack (NOT directly on the flames/coals). Make at least two more of these packets, minimum.
Put the meat on the top rack of the grill and/or as far away from the coals as possible.
Cover the grill tightly and let the meat smoke
If it’s a gas-grill, you’ll have more control of this next step: once the packet starts smoking, drop the temperature as low as it’ll go but still smoke.
About 30 minutes later, add a new packet. Do it again 30 minutes after that. Depending on how smokey you want the meat, you can keep adding packets.
By the way: hickory smoke makes meat turn a weird shade of pink. It’ll be cooked, even if it’s pink.
If the outside of the pork doesn’t have some blackened areas, put it right on top of the fire for just a few minutes.
Either way, take the pork and with two forks, shred the pork. Don’t cut away those blackened bits, shred 'em too.
Pour the sauce over the pork until well coated (you may not use all the sauce…it freezes and is great on chicken) and put the pork’n’sauce in a pot on the stove and let simmer for about five minutes. Taste: magically, it no longer tastes too vinegary! (I think it has something to do with the carbonized bits interacting with the vinegar. Maybe.)
Scoop this up and serve it on a toasted hamburger bun or kaiser roll. Either way, thinly sliced red onion and romaine lettuce top off this perfect BBQ pork sammich.
You may now worship me and think of me as you get much sex from the joy that this recipe creates.
Unca Fenris
