Wife Sues Husband for Post-Menopausal Sex
By Scoop Lancester
The Associated Press
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
MOUND CITY – A great-grandmother filed charges against her husband today for a romantic encounter which she claims was morally bankrupt while vacationing in Washington, DC.
Bernice Urea, 58, had her attorney file charges against her husband Earl, 71, for enticing her to have sex with him after a day of touristing in Washington, DC.
“The Preacher says the Bible says that Jesus says that God says it’s not right to have sex without the intention of multiplying. I’ve been infertile for almost five years, and we have never engaged in fornication for mere pleasure,” says Bernice, a lifelong resident of Mound City, Mississippi, along with her husband. She had her last child, her forty-fifth, on the same day that her first daughter’s daughter’s daughter gave birth to a son.
[snip]
“I don’t know what happened,” says Earl, a former white linen and tar salesman, now retired. “I was just standing there with my wife on the escalator, on the left hand side, at that there Met-ro, and suddenly I felt a pinprick on my hindquarters, and the next thing I knew I had a[n]… unGodly moment. Bernice, well, she just succumbed to the power of Satan, I guess. We barely made it back to the Motel Fifty.” After turning himself in to local authorities Earl Urea tested positive for the now-illegal substance Viagra-Thorium-G. Urea claims he was poisoned by the godless forces of Hell, as all Viagra-Thorium-G abusers to date have claimed.
[snip]
“But it’s still his fault, for allowing his thoughts to manifest itself into the Devil’s rebar, for six hours and twenty-two ejaculations, one in my hair,” said Bernice.
The Supreme Court, which last year under the direction of Chief Justice Ashcroft ruled that the teachings of the Assembly of God have the force of law under the First Amendment, ruled that Crimes Against Faith fall under the jurisdiction of federal law. The case is expected to be a first test of the new faith-based doctrine…
Google News Search, Saturday, August 4, 2007
Search words: Metro, Washinton -“Clinton’s fault”
3:05 am EST: (UPI) Washington Metro to Remove “Stand to Right” Signs From Last Station Tomorrow
3:09 am EST: (WAMU) Dischord to sign its first “geriatrunk” band
3:18 am EST: (al-Jazeera) Fundamentalist Self-Mutilator Disgusts DC’s Morton’s Steak House in Pious and Heroic Salad-Shooter Incident
3:21 am EST: (AP) Breaking News: Massive Underground Explosion Reported Near Capitol Heights Metro Station
“Inseminator” Case Takes Unexpected Turn Against Liberals
By Ann Coulter
The Washington Times
Thursday, August 30, 2007
WASHINGTON–In yet another startling reversal for the legacy of the Clinton Administration, evidence now points to a former Communist as “The Inseminator.”
A baffled Department of Homeland Security disclosed today that DNA tests reveal that the thirty-seven wives of Caliph Roscoe al-Bazzing Motherfuckin’ Dope-ass Negro al-Hadj were all impregnated by the semen of long-disappeared commedian and former denizen of the now-defeated Communist Soviet Union Yakov Smirnov.
In a statement delivered this afternoon Homeland Security Uber-Pope Robert al-Oral Roberts, he stated that the Department is now “99 and 44/100 percent sure” that Smirnov must have been the terrorist now known as “The Inseminator.”
“The Inseminator” made headlines last month when Caliph Roscoe al-Bazzing Motherfuckin’ Dope-ass Negro al-Hadj was posing with his wives for a photograph on the Rosslyn Metro, with himself standing six stairs ahead of his thirty-seven wives in single file on the left side of the escalator. Roscoe, leader of the Caliphate of Lower Mandible (formerly Sheboygan, Wisconsin), was suddenly pushed aside by a man in a ski-mask running the wrong way down the two-hundred foot-long escalator, unarmed except for a turkey-baster now suspected to contain semen. On his way down, “The Inseminator” managed to violate every one of Roscoe’s wives, and all thirty-seven tested positive for Pregnancy.
All of the thirty-seven wives were immediately placed in a maximum-security lesbian’s prison, on the grounds that one or more of them may attempt to leave the country to seek an abortion if they were indeed found to be pregnant. In yet another stunning example of prescience on the part of Homeland Security and the Bush Administration, all thirty-seven wives were, in fact, impregnated.
Homeland Securitors are uncertain as to the motives of Mr. Smirnov. “We’re certain it has to be Smirnov himself, because, well, who else would possibly want to Yakov Smirnov simply to collect his life-giving sustenance.” A reporter from the Washington Post apparently found humor in the remark and was removed for questioning.
Smirnov disappeared forty-three months ago while mining the Elimbari Tribe of New Guinea for new comedic material.
An exasperated Caliph Roscoe al-Bazzing Motherfuckin’ Dope-ass Negro al-Hadj was quoted as saying, “motherfuckin’ kids ain’t mine; tha bitches is cut off.” A spokesperson for the soon-to-be-former wives of the Caliph stated that since welfare is no longer a viable option, and children of color are unlikely to be adopted until the federal prison system is willing to take them in at age fourteen, they will likely seek financial help from the March of Dimes. When it was pointed out that Caliph Roscoe al-Bazzing Motherfuckin’ Dope-ass Negro al-Hadj is actually Robert Van Winkle, a purported Caucasian as are all of his wives, the spokesperson had no printable comment.
Conspiracy theorists pointed out the unlikelihood of all thirty-seven wives ovulating at the same time, until it was pointed out that they all live together in the same domicile in the Caliphate of Lower Mandible. Caliph Roscoe al-Bazzing Motherfuckin’ Dope-ass Negro al-Hadj, now a devout Muslim, takes one week out of every four to travel to Mecca for purposes of worship.
**Is Osama bin-Laden the Escalator Terrorist? **
AP 1337z74FF
Monday, September 10, 2007
WASHINGTON–Could America’s old nemesis Osama bin-Laden be Washington’s now notorious Escalator Terrorist? Experts are in disagreement, but there is compelling evidence to suggest that he is.
Bin Laden, once the most sought-after terrorist in history, is now widely credited for masterminding the ground-breaking ceremony of the FOF (Fuck Off Furriners) Towers, the landmark of New York City and symbol of the Free World Except Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, South America, and Most of the Islands. Bin Laden was pursued through Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Malaysia before hours of satellite television watching forced bin-Laden to redirect his al-Qaeda toward the assassination of all cast-members and family of the syndicated television show, “Full House,” as well as mimes and slovenly fat guys in beer commercials.
Once al-Qaeda began working in a positive direction, bin Laden was taken off of the former FBI’s Most Wanted list and has since drifted into obscurity. Evidence suggests that al-Qaeda has moved its operations to Washington, DC, where he finances his mime-killing efforts by knocking the heads off of parking meters and stealing the change inside of them.
Al-Qaeda’s last admitted terrorist gesture is widely believed to be the infiltration of the nationwide network of TGIFridays, where al-Quaeda operatives are believed to have regularly switched the soda canisters from Diet Coke to Regular Coke, and occasionally removed the sneeze-guards from the salad-bar, a severe violation of FDA regulations.
But the latest rash of incidents in the Washington, DC Metro point squarely at Islamic terrorism. The Metro, now largely unused by locals because of ponderous fat-assed midwestern tourists who need their hands held the entire fucking way through the simple process of ingress and egress, has been the target of fourteen out of the last seventeen terrorist incidents in the past two months. The other three involved taking the Lord’s name in vain in public, and do not appear to be related. Three people have been mildly insulted, and forty-three have been impregnated by Yakov Smirnov’s semen.
Perhaps the most compelling evidence has to do with this cryptic message, which was spotted at the Foggy Bottom Metro Station shortly after a masked terrorist ran up the left side of an escalator with a horse-whip, yelling something completely unintelligible to tourists, who apparently don’t speak the local language of fucking English. The message, spray-painted on the back of a panhandler feigning a disability in a wheelchair, read:
STA_D _0 THE _UCK__G R_GHT!
The message was partly obscured by the homeless person’s dredlocks, but National Security Agency cryptographers believe that the last word in the message may be Arabic slang for the word “right.”
Homeland Security experts believe the statement is a ruse, as all of the far-right now holds positions of power within the Bush Administration, which was reelected three years ago with a resounding seventeen percent of the vote and a Supreme Court decision.
Hence, it must be bin Laden, say antiterrorism experts.
Thus, the search for bin Laden continues anew, but the most recent round of upper-bracket tax cuts have limited Homeland Security experts to nightly random intrusions into civilian homes. While a wealth of domestic criminals such as alcoholics, drug abusers, wiccans, atheists and sodomites have been apprehended and sent to the Federal Re-Faithing Facility in Provo, Utah, the elusive bin Laden remains at large.
Washington, DC local reporter Sofa King contributed to the first part of this article, until AP staff received a message from him stating, “you fucking bastards, I’ll push you all out of the way!” Mr. King is currently sought by Homeland Securitors and is thought to be posing as a Catholic Priest posing as a heathen posing as a tourist pretending to be a local in the Caliphate of Whitlows (formerly Arlington, VA).
