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  #1  
Old 07-31-2002, 09:44 AM
Scylla Scylla is offline
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I think my testicles are going to explode

We've been trying to have another baby for about a year with no luck.

So, even though I did one over two years ago (some of you will remember the Sperm Count of Doom,) it's time for me once again to pick up the ole cup and rub one out for the team.

That however doesn't happen until Friday.

Until then I'm supposed to retain my precious bodily fluids.

The problem is, that all through my marriage my wife has been like my right hand. And, when she's not around, my right hand has been my wife.

I'm pretty much a six orgasm a week sort of guy, and have been since I was sixteen.

If I deny myself, I get kinda ornery, if you know what I mean.

I'm sitting here at the desk in my office wearing my light summerweight pants, and now I can't get up!

I guess there's something to be said about Maria Bartiroma opening the market. Damn those CNBC chicks are hot!

I'm sitting here with a diamond cutter.

The last sperm count I was "low normal," but I have an excuse, as I had an emmission the night before.

Nevertheless, I can't allow such an insult to my manhood be repeated, so I'm following directions and saving it all up.

I wonder if that sample glass will be big enough.

I feel myself becoming mean, aggressive, and confrontational. I know it all, and nobody can tell me anything, and anybody that gets in my way better watch out!

All the mellowing out that's happened with me in the last 15 years is being swept back like a sand castle before the tide, and I'm reverting to a primitive testosterone based life-form.

I feel 18 again!

At this rate I'll be 12 by the time Friday's Lunch time comes around (so to speak.)

Stay away from me. I'm going sperm mad!
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  #2  
Old 07-31-2002, 09:50 AM
OpalCat OpalCat is offline
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You'd probably swell up like the goodyear blimp if you were like me! I haven't had an orgasm in... well let's just say I haven't had one in 2002 yet.
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  #3  
Old 07-31-2002, 09:51 AM
tavalla tavalla is offline
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So, sending you copies all that porn spam would be a bad idea right now?
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  #4  
Old 07-31-2002, 09:59 AM
dublos dublos is offline
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Scylla,

I wonder if it would hav a negative effect on your count if you put an ice pack down your shorts.

Might help the near exploding problem though.
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  #5  
Old 07-31-2002, 10:05 AM
Khadaji Khadaji is offline
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Might make the race in Harrisburg a little tough...
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  #6  
Old 07-31-2002, 10:14 AM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is offline
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Ya know, Scylla, I enjoy your posts and I look forward to them, but I hope we never meet. After this thread, I don't think I'd be able to look you in the eyes...

Is it appropriate to wish you good luck?
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  #7  
Old 07-31-2002, 10:36 AM
Gazelle Gazelle is offline
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Scylly Scylla.

Yeesh - six orgasms a week?

I wonder how many my husband has per week... And do I really want to know?

You can make it, dude!
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  #8  
Old 07-31-2002, 10:36 AM
Simetra Simetra is offline
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Re: I think my testicles are going to explode

Quote:
Originally posted by Scylla
I guess there's something to be said about Maria Bartiroma opening the market. Damn those CNBC chicks are hot!
Bah. Robin Meade is the hottest and you know it. If it weren't for her, there would be no reason to watch CNN:HL at all.

Well, maybe the news.



Oh, and sorry about your boys. Just keep a stiff upper lip. I know it things like this can be hard on a guy.
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  #9  
Old 07-31-2002, 11:16 AM
Lisa Ann Lisa Ann is offline
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Can you reschedule your appointment? After all, it's an emergency.
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  #10  
Old 07-31-2002, 11:30 AM
Why A Duck Why A Duck is offline
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Why am I reminded of that Married with Children episode where Al had a back injury and was supposed to get a "circular incision" but got a "circumcision" instead. He had to avoid being aroused for a few weeks lest the stitches pop.
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  #11  
Old 07-31-2002, 12:42 PM
TubaDiva TubaDiva is offline
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We really are trying to raise the tone of the board, and this is not helping.

Don't you have any governor on your brain at all? Is NOTHING too much information?

This thread is closed.

your humble TubaDiva
Administrator
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  #12  
Old 08-03-2002, 08:56 PM
Ruffian Ruffian is offline
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Okay, now that this is all kiss-kiss, happy-happy...( [sing-song]"We love you, Tubadiva!" [/sing-song] )

How'd it go, Scylla? Didja make it? Do you get test results immediately, or do you have to wait for them, too? Are you now a very tired man?
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  #13  
Old 08-03-2002, 09:05 PM
Rysdad Rysdad is offline
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Re: I think my testicles are going to explode

Quote:
Originally posted by Scylla
I'm pretty much a six orgasm a week sort of guy, and have been since I was sixteen.
Even during the part of the year wihout Monday Night Football?

So, how'd the li'l swimmers do? Inquiring Dopers want to know.
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  #14  
Old 08-03-2002, 10:50 PM
Mr. Moto Mr. Moto is offline
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I'm only ten miles away, Opalcat. I could be there in thirty seconds!
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  #15  
Old 08-03-2002, 11:01 PM
ijustdontcare ijustdontcare is offline
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Hey, Scylla, do the icebag thing. Seriously! Cold is supposed to increase yer sperm count. They say the lower the temperature, the more your testicles produce. Don't ask where I learned that.

But, anyway, ice yer balls, man, ice yer balls.
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  #16  
Old 08-03-2002, 11:23 PM
LolaCocaCola LolaCocaCola is offline
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Always better to test your cookies rather than cook your testes.
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  #17  
Old 08-04-2002, 12:07 AM
Muffin Muffin is offline
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Scylla, someday you are going to have to explain this thread, and its temporary closure for prurience, to your daughter and your yet to be conceived child who is at the root of the matter. It is your duty as a father to embarrass your children.
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  #18  
Old 08-04-2002, 12:36 AM
Milossarian Milossarian is offline
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Schwing!!!!!

That was the gates to this thread swinging back open.

Get your minds out of the gutter!
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  #19  
Old 08-04-2002, 01:11 AM
Cosmopolitan Cosmopolitan is offline
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Ohmigod. Too f--king funny. And six orgasms a week, Scylla? Hmmmmm....Oh. Wait. You're married...damn.
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  #20  
Old 08-04-2002, 01:16 AM
Cosmopolitan Cosmopolitan is offline
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Ohmigod. Too f--king funny. And six orgasms a week, Scylla? Interesting........

Oh. Wait. You're married, arent you?

Dammit.
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  #21  
Old 08-04-2002, 01:17 AM
Cosmopolitan Cosmopolitan is offline
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Same sentiment, different wording. Why? I thought the first one didn't go through. F--k.
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  #22  
Old 08-04-2002, 02:58 AM
Blalron Blalron is offline
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Quote:
You'd probably swell up like the goodyear blimp if you were like me! I haven't had an orgasm in... well let's just say I haven't had one in 2002 yet.
No orgasms this year? How do you live?! Seriously. The longest I've gone without is two weeks, and that was during the "fundamentalist christian masturbation is evil" phase of my life. Needless to say, a fortnite of abstinence was torture.
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  #23  
Old 08-04-2002, 06:57 AM
DAVEW0071 DAVEW0071 is offline
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Quote:
"fundamentalist christian masturbation is evil"
Any other religious denomination of masturbation, however, is perfectly fine.
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  #24  
Old 08-04-2002, 07:16 AM
matt_mcl matt_mcl is offline
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Fundamentalist Christian masturbation is evil. Honestly. Have you ever dated a fundamentalist Christian? My roommate did, and the guy insisted on saying a Hail Mary after every ugly-bump. Kind of kills the mood there!
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  #25  
Old 08-04-2002, 06:00 PM
Shirley Ujest Shirley Ujest is offline
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Six orgasms a week, and on the seventh night he drank beer.

Poor Syclla, suffering from DSB. Dreaded Sperm Build up. Where's Pirate when you need him?

Bahhhhhhh
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  #26  
Old 08-04-2002, 06:40 PM
Inky- Inky- is offline
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TMI ALERT!!!

..
..
..

Okay now, hmmm...

Six orgasms a week. The average ejaculate (according to this) is about 4cc per. Times six a week. Fifty-two weeks in a year...

That works out to 1248 cc (cubic centimeters) or 1.248 liters or 1.32 quarts (US liquid).

That's a little over three gallons per decade!

Say a fellow starts at thirteen (I started a bit younger, actually) and I'm thirty now...

5.604674 gallons [US, liquid].

Rock!
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  #27  
Old 08-04-2002, 07:37 PM
dreamer dreamer is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by matt_mcl
Fundamentalist Christian masturbation is evil. Honestly. Have you ever dated a fundamentalist Christian?
You know...::sigh::

maybe it's better if I just keep my mouth shut on this one
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  #28  
Old 08-04-2002, 07:40 PM
iampunha iampunha is offline
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Probably want to put mittens on, too
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  #29  
Old 08-04-2002, 08:24 PM
Scylla Scylla is offline
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Back my popular demand! The thread they couldn't close. The only thread ever to be unlocked.

Ha! Top that Fenris!


I'll bet they think twice before they try to repress my testicles again.

It's just too powerful to be stopped.



***

Friday came and so did I. It was a good thing, because our animals were getting nervous. Fortunately since we moved, I'm close enough to the hospital that I was able to go home with my cup rather than look for a public restroom.

I did my business and brought it in to the nurse. She asked me what time it was collected and I told her.

While she was doing the paperwork, I was looking at the sample in the cup. Right when it's fresh, it looks like clear liquid with some egg white in it. In the cup now, it had thoroughly mixed so that it was a uniform cloudy white.

I'd never really examined it before. My interest with it generally ends once it's out, and I tend not to think about it again unless I have to change its diaper, or send it to college or something. So this was kind of new.

I asked the lady if it looked like enough.

"I've seen a lot less," she said.


This was not the answer that I was looking for.

"But, umm that's enough for the test, isn't it?"

"Sure."

"Well is that like the normal amount? Should it be more?" Truth is it doesn't look like much.

She looks at me with a little exasperation. "You did fine. That's wonderful. It's the best I've ever seen."

I get the feeling she's being sarcastic.

So I leave thinking dour thoughts. First Tubadiva disrepects my reproductive system, now I got clerks belittling me.

The Ob/gyn is my good friend, so I get the results the same day.

I got 30,000,000 sperm per cc with 50% motility.

The doc tells me he shoots for 40,000,000 and 70% (no pun intended.)

"Don't worry about it," he says. "Anything over 20,000,000 is normal."

Unfortunately he says this in the same tone of voice you would expect if he was saying "Don't worry. Anything over two inches is normal."

So I'm low normal again.

That night playing tennis I talked to my urologist friend (All my Dr. friends are private parts doctors, ob/gyns, urologists, and such. Go figure.)

He tells me not to worry about it, but to stop wearing tighty whities, don't take hot baths, and avoid any testicular trauma.

Yes. He really told me to avoid any testicular trauma.

Damn! There goes my Saturday nights with my favorite ball peen hammer. Jeez, I wish I'd a known to avoid testicular trauma, but who'd have thought?

***

The last time we tried for a number of years and my wife had a dye test, and she got pregnant the following month. Apparently it clears out the pipes or something. We're going to repeat that in the fall. In the meantime I'm going on the Peter North (He told me that as a joke, Apparently he's a porn star known as "Two Quarts Peter North,") diet at the directions of the urologist, and taking this new kind of pill that he calls a "nutricine" or something that's supposed to help me make sperm, but he doesn't really think it lives up to the claims.

If that doesn't work, the Doctor'll put my wife on Clumid or whatever the hell that thing is.

We'd really like to have another baby. We already have one though, and I'm a happy and content man no matter what happens, becuase of my daughter. I know I'd love another child, but right now the reason I want another is for my daughter. When we're gone I want her to have a sibling or two. I loved being a married couple without a child for so many years, and I was scared what it would mean to have a kid, what it would do to our marriage.

Being a father has been the greatest experience of my life, and I'd like to do it some more.


Now, I'd like to address something Tuba said.

No, I have no governor on my brain when it comes to this board. I work at a job where I deal with the public, and I'm known about town, and I have a public persona that I maintain for business and for family. I can't always be what I want to be or say what I want to say in the real world.

I've only met one person from this board, and that was during a road race. I'll have few if any interactions with any of the people on this board, and only my wife knows that I post here.

I like it that way. You guys are all strangers to me, and that gives me a freedom, I haven't had since I was a kid. Frequently I surprise myself when I see just how fantastic the person I am on this board is. With equal frequency I am shocked when I see just how rotten and mean and crappy I can be.

But through it all, for complete strangers, you guys sure are an excellent group of friends.

Thanks for laughing and sharing, and arguing fiercely with me about things that don't matter.


Just for the record, I think I have a valid claim as to posessing the mightiest testicles that this board has ever seen.

My exploding testicle blew the lock right off this thread and reopened it. Not even Tubadiva could stop my testicle!

Bow down before it's power!

30,000,000? Ha! In the final analysis, I only need one.
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  #30  
Old 08-04-2002, 08:45 PM
Ruffian Ruffian is offline
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(still chuckling)

And thus, Scylla reminds us how damn funny he, and his hard working little spermies, are.

"Avoid testicle trauma..." Oh, man that kills me...
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  #31  
Old 08-04-2002, 09:00 PM
Muffin Muffin is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scylla
I'd never really examined it before. My interest with it generally ends once it's out, and I tend not to think about it again unless I have to change its diaper, or send it to college or something. So this was kind of new.
This little gem alone justifies re-opening the thread. Cudos, Scylla.
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  #32  
Old 08-04-2002, 09:46 PM
Dijon Warlock Dijon Warlock is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scylla
My exploding testicle blew the lock right off this thread and reopened it. Not even Tubadiva could stop my testicle!

Bow down before it's power!
We thank our lucky stars you weren't constipated.
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  #33  
Old 08-05-2002, 06:50 AM
Fenris Fenris is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scylla
Back my popular demand! The thread they couldn't close. The only thread ever to be unlocked.

Ha! Top that Fenris!

Isn't this like complaining that you've had 34 arrests...but no convictions, or that teacher only kept you in after school for half as long as she said she would?

:: loftily ::
Since I don't indulge in toliet humor, my tastes are far, FAR above such things, and since my threads are so incredibly popular I've never had a thread closed, so I guess I don't understand your sense of triumph.

But hey, Congrats anyway!




Fenris
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  #34  
Old 08-05-2002, 07:51 AM
iampunha iampunha is offline
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Ball peen hammer. Scylla, I think that's the hardest you've made me laugh since that "doublefuck ratshit pissfuckshit" thing in the Pit the mods made me remove from my sig because "it might offend someone in Great Debates"Not that I really minded or objected or disagreed. Just mentioning
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  #35  
Old 08-05-2002, 10:36 PM
Race Bannon Race Bannon is offline
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Mightiest testicles, indeed.

My wife conceived only a month and a half after saying, "Let's try for a baby". I don't think Domino's can deliver better than that.

Then, again, I managed to impregnate her despite barriers and chemical obsticles.

Apparently, my guys have enviro suits and drilling equipment.

Good luck Scylla, maybe you're not holding your mouth right...
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  #36  
Old 08-05-2002, 11:04 PM
Sofa King Sofa King is offline
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Quote:
Just for the record, I think I have a valid claim as to posessing the mightiest testicles that this board has ever seen.
Perhaps, my friend, but in my book they must also pass the test of adversity. Suffice to say that the keyboard is not necessarily mightier than the scalpel.

Here's to hoping you never find out what that really means. What are you doing reading this anyway? Aren't you supposed to be impersonating Peter North?
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  #37  
Old 08-05-2002, 11:17 PM
Baron Baron is offline
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Re: Re: I think my testicles are going to explode

Quote:
Originally posted by Simetra


Bah. Robin Meade is the hottest and you know it. If it weren't for her, there would be no reason to watch CNN:HL at all.

Well, maybe the news.

Good god, you ain't kidding. Many times I turn on CNN-HL to catch some early morning news and end up having to rub one out. She's gorgeous.
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  #38  
Old 08-06-2002, 12:13 AM
Sinshine Sinshine is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scylla
Being a father has been the greatest experience of my life, and I'd like to do it some more.
Damn! He's already married!

Scylla, I must say, I am impressed. Not just with your testicular might, but with your devotion to wife, child and ball peen hammer.

May I be blessed with such a man (soon? please?).
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