Had to have a sperm count done this week. Mrs. Scylla made the apointment, equipped me with the sample cup and told me I had an apointment to drop off my “Sample” at 1:00.
I’m at work all morning with this cup in my briefcase, figuring I’ll just fill 'er up during lunch, and head over to the hospital.
Around noon though, I realize that the bathroom in our office is a pretty busy place, and that I couldn’t disappear in there for ten minutes without seeming conspicuous.
No problem, I think, I’ll head on over to the hospital. They have lot’s of bathrooms there.
I pull into the hospital at 12:45, walk in the main entrance, and around the corner finding the men’s room with no difficulty at all.
I step into the stall, close the door, take out my little sample cup, and realize that the gap between the door and the stall wall is about an inch wide, and that my stall is directly opposite the door into the men’s room. Anybody walking in will be able to see in pretty easily.
It is now 12:50.
Failure, is not an option. My wife has already undergone a battery of tests. She made this apointment for me. She made a special trip to get the sample cup so I wouldn’t have to be bothered. All I have to do is deliver the goods… so to speak. If I don’t deliver there is no way I can face the Mrs.
A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
With intense concentration, I settle down to business, thinking about that girl in American Beauty. Oh Yeah!
Creak!
Door opens. I jump. Guy walks in, urinates, washes hands and leaves.
Okay back to business. Mmmmm. Jenifer Aniston.
Creak!
Damn!
Creak! Great, now there’s a line.
12:55. Must concentrate. No distractions matter. Doesn’t matter if they see you. This is a hospital. This probably happens all the time here. Get really serious now. Focus! That girl in high school, Megan, cute little Irish thing. The back of your car one night. Oh Yeah!
Rap! Rap! Rap!
“Hey is anybody in there?”
Doesn’t matter, block it out! Your almost there! Claudia Schiffer’s father has just lost his life savings to me in a poker game. Claudia shows up and begs if there is ANYTHING that she can do that will make me have mercy on her father.
“Well, perhaps we can work something out,” I say as she removes her blouse.
Creak!
Pay no Mind! Focus!
Claudia smiles as I take off my shirt. She admires my muscles.
Oh Yeah!
Oh YEah!
Here we Go!
Oh Fuck! The Cup!
As I spasm and deliver my sample into an airborne trajectory, somehow I manage to grab the cup and move it into an intercept course. I screw the top on, put it in it’s litle brown bag, pull up my pants, and walk over to the lab.
There’s two other people in the bathroom, but I keep my eyes rigidly forward.
“Hi, my wife called. I’m here to drop off a sample.”
“What kind of sample is that, Sir?”
“Umm, well, Spem”
“Yes sir, here’s your card. I think we have all your information. We just need to know how long ago the sample was collected.”
“Oh, it’s fresh,” I say proudly. “just got it less than a minute ago”
The lady stares at me, agape.
“Here, thank you very much.”
I go back to work and call my wife. I tell her I’ve accomplished my mission. I am congratulated.
My assistant walks into my office.
“What did you have for lunch?” She asks.
“Umm. Nothing. Just drove around.”
“You didn’t eat?”
“No, why do you ask?”
“Well, you got something on your tie.”
The nurse asked why i wanted to cancel. I said that the reason for the ultra-sound was because my wife couldn’t get pregnant, and now is, so i won’t be needing the exam. Hung up the phone, then the light-bulb went off over my head. Damn, what if it woulda been a cute nurse giving me the exam. Screwed up again. 
