I have to hand over my sperm to a female doctor.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

In a freaking plastic cup

Now, the reason for this is my wife and I are trying to get pregnant. Whether it’s biological or bad timing is the reason we’re calling in the doctors. She has to go through something where a liquid is injected into her and then the x-ray starts. Long name I can get if anyone wants it. Parts of it sound painful, which makes this less a rant than a whine.

I got the privelege of meeting her doctor, and the doctor running the lab to count my soldiers. My fucking luck, both are really fucking hot. Talk about a buzz-kill. Or bone-kill, as it were.

So here’s what I get to do. I get to go into a room (my own home if I can get it there in an hour) and jerk off into a cup. Then I get to, YAY!, put a sticker on the cup they provided with my full name and birthdate. THEN take it to the lab and give it to whomever is at the desk! YES! I can give hard (hehe) evidence that I just masturbated! Oh fucking joy is mine!

Now, I know they get many of these every year, ain’t helping me. The only way I don’t feel like a pervert is if the person accepting it shows me the dildo she used that morning to get off. Hell, I hate when I have to give a piss test and look the person in the eye that is taking the container when I turn it over.

OK, so I guess I can handle this to find out the problem, even if it means we are shown that the only way to have a child is adoption (cross fingers that’s not the case). I’ll toss the occasional load into the shower drain if there’s a low chance of having sex that day, but nobody knows when I do it. I have to actually go off into a cup they gave me and hand it over!

So I slowed down and thought this through. I talked to my wife and she pointed out that the lab gets many “samples” every year and they look at me as a patient, instead of a masturbating machine. There, of course, may be some latent guilt that tells me they know damn well I do this more often than even I care to admit. It’s rather personal, and I prefer to not let people know about it. (Yes, I’m posting it on the SDMB, but how many of you will I see today, tomorrow or next year?)

So I’m left with 3 thoughts. The first 2:

  1. It’s a small town. There is a very good chance that the lab or the doctor knows me through family or friends.

  2. I was best man at a friends wedding whose wife is a transcriptionist for said hospital. If she gets the file, or someone she knows gets it, how the hell do I feel comfortable around her?

And finally:

There is a paper I have to fill out with my name, SSN, and birthdate asking when it was collected. No problem. How long ago collected. Again, no problem.

AND HOW COLLECTED!!! I have to circle a) masturbation or b) other, PLEASE SPECIFY.

FUCK! I can’t even lie about not tossing it off! I went so far as to call her to say I couldn’t masturbate due to religious reasons (a lie as I’ve shown earlier in the OP). She said my wife could help, as long as it wasn’t oral. So I guess I have an out there. When I asked if I could get some 80 year old doc to accept the sample to reduce embarrassment, she said they didn’t have any in the dept. But not to worry.

No, no worry, just humiliation. Now to be honest, I’d jerk off in front a Doper meeting if it meant finding out if I’m the problem. I’m starting to research adoption and the rules, just in case.

In short, I have to do probably the most humiliating, embarrassing thing I will ever do in my life next week. At best, my wife’s friend is a nurse at the hospital, and I could maybe be blinded by lust to do this while she’s in the room (no touching) and have her take it in for me. At least the euphoria would make me forget the immediate aftermath, but there is no chance of this happening. So i resign myself to utter, permanant, and incurable red-facedness.

If anyone has been through this, please, please, please help alleviate my discomfort. Even if you don’t like me.

This was going to be a Pit thread, but instead of hating the situation, I’m hoping for support from anyone who’s been through this kick to the nuts.

Thanks for your time

2

I’d be interested to know what “Other” even means. All I can think of is that someone else (your wife) manipulates you to obtain the sample. This strikes me as potentially no less embarassing.
I have to admit – we went to a fertiluity clinic because we were having problems, and I had to go through this. To be perfectly honest, it didn’t bother me at all. Being in a big city may have helped with anonymity, but I don’t think that was a factor.

This strikes me as sort of like being embarassed that you had sex in order to have a child, and that anyone who sees your child will automatically think of you having sex.
Tell them you masturbated, but didn’t get any joy out of it.

3

Well, as you said, your wife has to go through painful, uncomfortable indignities to be examined. You have to bring in a paper cup. To medical professionals. That bears evidence that you’ve just done something that 99% of males do all the time.

Unless you’re in Junior High, I’d say, get over it. Just bring in the cup. Don’t crack any jokes (they’ve certainly heard them all before). Just say “Here’s my sample. Thank you.” Blush, if you must. Then go home and hope for good news.

4

Um, the plastic cup will say otherwise.

And having sex and making a baby is vastly different than handing a cup of seedlings over to a 20-something tech. I think I’ll just do it at home and have her take it in. That way, they get the sample, and I don’t have to have anyone looking at me funny. Kinda like when I buy pads for her. I don’t get embarrassed because I know that they know they aren’t for me. In the same vein, they know it didn’t come from her.

5

Many, many years ago, I worked for a doctor who specialized in infertility, and although I can’t speak for everyone who does infertility, I can say that in my case (and my co-workers at the time), sperm (semen) was more associated with egg (and baby) than penis and masterbation. Does that make sense? In other words, when we saw the cup containing whitish liquid, it was more closely connected to the (potential) pregnancy than where it had originated. Men who came bearing cups (and honestly, the majority of the times, it was the wives who brought in the samples–can’t your wife take yours in?), we saw them as Future Fathers, rather than Masterbating Machines.

6

Yes as my previous post said (must have been crossed with yours) I figured it may be easier if she just took it in.

I know it’s an unreasonable fear, but it’s MY fear/embarassment. Again, another reason for my apprehension is that in all likelihood, a close friend of mine will either type this up, or someone in her office will. (There are only 4 of them) Of course, she’d never say anything, but it’s still going to be uncomfortable. Yes, almost all men masturbate, I just hate having someone I know type into a permanant record. And have the knowledge that she has incontrovertable proof that I do it. Just creepy.

In case anyone suggests another health “system” we only have one and it doesn’t take our insurance, so I’m stuck.

7
      • Someone I know had to go through this experience once, and couldn’t accomplish it alone–the lady (his lady) had to “help”.
        So have your lady help.
        …
        -and if that doesn’t work, have the nearest nice-looking teenage girl on your street help.
        :smiley:
        If that doesn’t get things done, you definitely have the problem here.
        ~
8

My husband had to give a sample about a year and a half ago. We we going to try invitro fertilization and they needed a sample from him. The lady handed him the cup and pointed down the hall towards the bathroom. About 5 minutes later he came out, sample in hand, er, cup rather, and handed it back to her. He had joked about doing it for a couple of weeks before our appointment and I know he felt funny about it but he never showed embarassment or anything.

You really have nothing to be embarassed about. It’s true that these people see tons of samples every day/week/month/year and they really don’t give a shit that you’re dropping off yours. As for knowing people that work at the hospital… I’m sure it’s hospital policy that they aren’t allowed to talk about anyones medical records and stuff and I doubt she’d ever say anything to you about it anyway.

9

Honestly, I appreciate the real life evidence you’re giving. I suspect, by the time I have to salute the plastic, I can do it.

As far as the records and such, I know almost all are professional. It’s just that everything in a file is transcribed by people. My friend’s wife included. Even if she doesn’t tell her husband (how many of you don’t succumb to gossip with your spouse) it’s still weird that when she sees me she knows. And I can’t stress enough, it’s almost guaranteed she’ll know.

I guess the pride should be swallowed, knowing we’re moving out of state within a year. It’s still just uncomfortable. For women, imagine having to turn in a recently (within an hour) dildo you used. Same thing.

10

If it’s any consolation, I’ve transcribed my fair share of tapes, and Mrs. Kunilou had quite a side business doing transcriptions for years. Once the brain goes into transcribe mode, the active mind shuts down. Once I finish a transcription, I have absolutely no idea of what was actually said. Even when I re-read the report, there’s no connection between the words on the paper and the words that were coming through the headphones. At that point, I could see my own name a dozen times in the report, and never even think it was actually me.

11

This will be an excellent way to practice the cool, rational expression you will put on your face when your sprog-to-be looks up at you and says, “Daddy, where do babies come from?”

12

After my vasectomy, I had to take in two semen samples to be checked. I brought back the first little plastic cup inside of a brown paper bag, and handed it to the woman at the desk, explaining what it was and who it was for.

The nurse who would apparently check it was standing out in the lobby, talking to an older woman. The desk clerk pulled the little plastic cup out of the bag, wrote my name on it, held it out towards the nurse and said loudly to the nurse, “Here’s [my name]'s semen sample.”

Everyone in the lobby turned and looked my direction.

My wife got to take the second one in for me.

13

Hee-hee…your pithy remarks Ha!..are not helping here!! roflmao No, really, this is not helping hang on gales of laughter spewing forth This really is emabarrassing! pictures telling duffer, jr the whole story No, really this isn’t funny! imagine the conversation over an ice cream cone! :SNORT: Stop it! This is really uncomfortable! snicker

OK, ok, I get it. Not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. Still embarrassing. And I still wish I could get the janitor to take it to the lab for me. And yes, I have the brown paper popcorn bag to drop it off. But they know damn well what’s in it.

contemplative Oh yes, they know. They know what everything is when it arrives in a paper bag only they give out. They know, I know they know. I can see it in thier eyes. I can feel it in the looks. They know. And I know. And I know they know. And they know I know they know. Sick bastards, I think they took this job only because they knew I’d know they knew. Bastards. Don’t they know I’m so important that I’d figure out they went into this field only to nail me in this situation? Oh yes, they knew it would come to this. They knew. Oh, trust me, they knew. contemplative

14

I don’t mean to sound callous, but I honestly don’t understand what the problem is. If your friends don’t already assume that you masturbate, as nearly every man does, it really won’t do them or you any harm if they find out that you did it for a medical reason. It’s not like you’re whacking off into a cup while standing in the middle of a pentagram, chanting incantations, and doing all kinds of bizarre things with goat corpses - and this is the third time this week! You’re just trying to find out where the bottleneck is in getting your wife pregnant. This isn’t nearly as big a deal as you’re making it out to be.
(I’d like to point out, of course, that this is coming from a person who’s had many, many trips to the doctor in the past year to have his genitals examined and routine butt probes. I’ve no concept of shame left. Your mileage may vary.)

15

I’m not sure what the problem is either, really. Of course, I have no issues with people knowing I masturbate. Hell, last night I had an in-home sex toy sales party, and after the rep left, we were all going through each other’s bags and discussing the details of our first vibrators. Masturbation is no more shameful than having lunch or taking a shower or going to the bathroom or having a beer. It’s just one of those things most folks do with some regularity.

The people at the lab are no more thinking about you masturbating than the pharmacy folks are thinking about people having sex when they dispense birth control pills. They’re purely thinking about how this new sample affects their workloads, trust me.

If your friend’s wife does the report, all she’s likely to think is that you two are having trouble getting pregnant. If you guys have told people you’re trying, and it’s been a while, they’ve probably already figured that out on they’re own. She’s not going to look at you any differently knowing you have fertility issues, any more than she would if she’d transcribed a report of you having an H. pylori culture. Knowing you submitted a semen sample isn’t going to make her think about you wanking. I mean, if you told people you were trying for a baby, you wouldn’t think they’d immediately avert their eyes, thinking “Oh, God, they have sex”, right?

Besides, when I was in college the student clinic not only required you to haul your own Pap smears upstairs to the lab, they made you package and seal it all yourself. It was nothing to be waiting for your appointment and see a woman walking out of the gyno side of the clinic carrying a brown paper bag, or to show up in the office with someone else whose appointment ended the same time as yours and package your samples together. The lab people knew exactly what was in the bag, and so did the lady who checked you out and all the people you walked past. If several thousand teenage girls can do it, I think you can manage.

Also, you might check and see if you can have sex with a condom and just empty your sample into the jar.

16

IN case it would make you feel better to have another man’s opinion on this topic, why don;t your read Scylla’s I think my Testicles are Going to Expolde or Sperm count of Doom

17

Duffer
You are much too self-conscious.
I’ve had a great many hospital visits becuase of kidney stones. During one of my first visits the nurse said “What brings you in here?” I responded “Symptoms of hemoturia were presented”. She said matter-of-factly “You mean there’s blood when you pee ?” This cracked me up !!! There I was being so technical and trying not to mention “forbidden” words and the nurse really didn’t give a damn about being technical. She just wanted to know the facts without any medical embellishment. I’m sure she didn’t go to the nurse’s station to have a chuckle about me and tell the others “that guy’s got blood in his pee !!!”

I seriously doubt the doctor or the lab technician are going to have lingering thoughts about your mastubatory habits. However, I am surprised that they ask how the sample was obtained. Since you were told not to have your wife perform oral sex then you darned well know there aren’t many other methods left. They should just say masturbation is the only way to obtain an untainted sample, etc. That idea of circling the “method” on the form is really stupid. Still, I don’t think you should feel embarassed.

18

But will your cup runneth over?

:smiley:

19

You are being unnecessarily prudish and you are, by implication, insulting to the medical staff dealing with your and your wife’s medical procedure. They are professionals who care not for the source or methodology of collection of your jizz. You insult them by implying that they are less-than-professional.

Beat, aim, collect and trot your stuff down to the collection point. I’m finding it difficult to believe you are a grown man and even responsible enough to be married.

20

duffer, you’re making a big deal out of nothing. This is to find out why you and your wife can’t get pregnant. Believe me, no one is going to be snickering under their breath when you walk into the doctor’s office. You and your wife have a serious medical problem and the doctor is trying to find out what is going on.

So go grab the latest issue of Hustler and have a ball.

If I may, I think you’re being a bit narrow-minded. Your wife has to go through a series of rather painful tests. You get to have the joy of an orgasm. Jeez.