My wife is going to start taking progesterone to get a regular period, so we can have a baby, but the doctor wants me to give a sperm sample first to make sure I have a high enough count to knock her up - no sense having her take hormones (progesterone) if it’s not going to help.
This is going to be weird and probably a little embarassing, but I’m having fun thinking of ways to make it funnier - i.e., asking if they have any tentacle porn after being provided with they more typical magazines…
All right.
[long pause]
Are you gonna tell us what tentacle porn is? Squids copulating? “Check out the beak on that one!” “Yeah, I heard she does with all ten arms!”
You have not lived until you’ve seen tentacle porn.
Badtz Maru, good luck to you and the missus.
This is kind of corny, but given the circumstances a good time could be had by all.
Step 1: Masturbate into a cup.
Step 2: Sit around twiddling thumbs (note: that is not a euphemism for more cup masturbating) or reading Playboy for the articles for another good 30 minutes or longer.
Step 3: Walk out of masturbation chamber, holding wrist gingerly. Give cup to doctor, then go up to your wife and say, in your most apologetic tones, “I’m sorry I took so long, honey, but none of those women were even remotely as pretty as you are.”
Heh, told you it was corny. But I’d do it in a heartbeat. 
You could go for maximum confusion and ask for gay porn instead of Playboy, I suppose.
Or bring a Ghetto blaster that plays the accompanying cheesy 70’s Porn Sound Track.
Tentacle porn is a subset of pornographic Japanese Anime. See Tentacles? That’s a text file. I decided not to link to any pictures, but you can find them easily enough if you care to search.
Y’know what, I’m going to do that, too. In fact, I’m going to start saving ALL my semen, then invite everyone over for tea.
Watch the film Urotsukodoji. Crazy shit.
My brother-in-law is a Reproductive Endocrinologist - a baby maker. He gets women pregnant for a living. In his office they have what I call the “masturbatorium”, the room where one, well, you know…
He tells the story of the man who goes in and after 20 minutes still has not everged ro put his “sample” in the little opening to the other room. His wife, somewhat embarasses and disgusted, says, “That’s it, I’m going in there.”
Three minutes later they both emerge, he with a satisfied smile, she moving her jaw around.
What is the attraction to masturbation tonight?> This is the third thread that’s been fairly active which is primarily about masturbation!
wow…this world just keeps getting better!
Damn! I’ve got to get me one of those jobs!
<grumbling>
[sub]I went to college for HOW many years to be an engineer?![/sub]
I dunno, thinksnow. Seems like most of the job is receiving cups filled to the brim with sperm from sweaty men.
I’d rather be designing bridges, myself.
My husband did that…
The bad news, you may get to do it over and over so they can sperm wash and AIH (Artifically Inseminate By Husband).
Good Luck.
I though I’d rise to the ocassion and say that this is the third thread to pop up regarding masterbation.
: Quickly ducks :
What is this board comming to? A spunky lot you are. Are you people just nuts about masturbation? Or is this just some sort of self servicing action on the part of the OPs? Personally, I think it’s just the OPs trying to stroke their own… egos. What kind of jerk would do otherwise?
(No, this isn’t just a bump to move this thread to the head of the list.)
I’ll beat a retreat now, lest I get tossed off the boards.
<beavis>
mmmhm hmhmmhm hmhmhm hmhmhm. you said “otherwise”.
</beavis>
Ah, the wonderful Japanese series Legend Of The Overfiend…a delightful animated romp about demons, rape, Nazi fuck machines, magical penises, and armaggedon. Not your run of the mill anime my friends…not by a long shot.
I had to do this when we were trying to get pregnant. The worst part about it was the instruction not to ejaculate at all for seven days before giving the sample.
“How is this going to be an accurate appraisal of my average sperm count?” was my question, as this restriction certainly created an unnatural reservoir of the little suckers.
How to have fun with it? Well, you can walk up to the nurse at the lab and say things like:
1 - “Is this the right place to jerk off?”
2 - “Okay, hang on, let me take off my jacket (while standing in the waiting room).”
3 - “Who’s going to hold the cup? I use both hands!”
Just don’t go in there thinking they haven’t heard the line you’re going to use, because I’m sure they have. And if you’re a smartass, they’ll probably give you a cup and directions to the dirtiest, stinkiest bathroom in the building.
That’s BAD news???
You know, I go through all the trouble of specifically taking the phrase out of context, and there you go putting it back into context. :rolleyes: What are we going to do with you?
As a starving grad student I got paid to do this ($300 for ten donations to the fertility clinic at the local el-giganto teaching hospital). Every Wed. I’d drop in and they would have my little cup (along with about a dozen others) sitting on a shelf. No need to ask for anything. Just get your cup, proceed to restroom, take care of business, return the cup (discretely placed inside a brown paper bag)to the shelf. You an imagine my pride when, on one particular Wed., I was met by the receptionist who said “The doctors were really pleased with your semen last week. Keep up the good work.” Gentlemen, let me tell you, if you’ve never been complimented on the quality of your semen, you never been complimented.
I also had the chance to provide two more samples when I had my vasectomy, the success of which is determined by jerki…well, providing a sample. It paled in comparison to getting paid for it and being told that my semen was of the highest quality.