I discovered at 4:30 this morning that I was bilingual. After several hours of reflection, I’m still not convinced that’s a good thing.
You see, I was rudely awakened by a rumbly in my tumbly that immediately made me think of Pooh (as in the bear). I knew what was initiating the conflict. However, it wasn’t hunger. It was the dreaded nightgas mixture… FaRt2.
Now, I’m not your average husband. I prefer not to fart in front of my wife, even if she’s asleep. Someone told a story here about how he farted in the middle of the night and his wife sat bolt upright, reached over and grabbed the phone and started saying “Hello? Hello?” I cherish my wife. I’ll only ask her to endure so much.
So I took my polite self downstairs and laid on the couch, drew a blanket up close but carefully provided a flap for ventilation, and proceeded to initiate a fartstorm of substantial proportions. Had Jill Brown been there to weather my gusts, she could have drawn an impressive array of isobars around my port o’ call. Problem was, these bursts were loud. Loud to the point where I was scared my wife was going to hear them all the way upstairs. So I tried an experiment.
You let the air out of a balloon all at once and you get a big “Blllaaaarrrppp”. However, if you let it eek out without the lips flapping, then the rudeness factor is severly constrained. Hmmmm…
So laying on my side, I kinda lift the top cheek with one hand and initiate decompression. I hear a pleasant rush of air in a tolerable pfffffffff until all of a sudden my ass talked to me. Strange as it may seem, my butt said “mama”. :eek:
I laid there for a second trying to convince myself I’d really heard that. Remember near the end of Planet Of The Apes where Taylor and Dr. Zeius are in the cave and Nova drops that doll and it says “mama”? It sounded just like that and the look of shock on Nova’s face matched mine exactly.
What’s still kinda freaking me is that my little 'un turns two this weekend and all the grandparents are coming in for the blessed event. I know we’re going to be eating tons. There’s a good chance I’ll be back on that couch round midnight Friday or Saturday. What if I’m expelling more FaRt2 and my sphincter leaks another “mama” out again? Either my wife or mother or mother-in-law might come running in to answer my urgent peal only to get whacked upside their head with a noxious cloud.
C’mon you butt, that’s no way to treat a mother.