Apparently I Don't Pith

[Rue DeDay]

This week, for a change, I thought I'd have a post that would make you think. Something that would make you say "Huh. I never thought of that before." Something pithy.

Only I got nothing. No pith here folks. Just move along.

I was trying to think of something that would make you think about the way you treat other people. (Not you "you" specifically , but the more general "you". The "you" that is really them no matter who they happen to be. The abstract "you" if you will.) (That last "you" is really you in case you got lost or confused.) You (again, really you) know, be nice to them and crap like that. Further World Peace and make everything nicer for the children. Not just mine, who do happen to be really nice kids by the way, but everybody's children. So... interpersonal relationships? Is that what we should call it? Yeah? Well I got nothing. Like I said.

I did think about sex for a while. Like that's something new. I also thought about tractors, but that wasn't related to the sex thoughts. The tractors was a completely different train of thought. It would be a little oogy if it were related, the sex and tractors. As far as I know.

I was also thinking, they could make this movie. These genetic scientists take the tallest herbivore right off the African plains. Then they give them sharp teeth and snapping jaws. This would be great if you need a guard dog and your building doesn't allow pets. And you lived on the second floor. And you kept all your valuables right by the open window. (I figure no on will notice the plot hole as long as the special effects are properly Spielbergian.) But just the way these movies go, Something Goes Wrong. The experimental guardians turn against their creators, and eat them all. They could call it Giraffic Park.

Anyway I got back to the sex and how people get all wound up about other people having sex and how it's bad and wrong. Here I'm talking about gay sex in particular, but there's always someone upset about someone else having sex. It's usually the people no one wants to have sex with that are all upset about other people having sex with each other which might mean something. I'm not sure what, but go think on that and tell me what you come up with. (I have this vague idea that more people should have sex with ugly people, but I haven't worked it all out yet.)

Then I was thinking how gay sex is supposed to be wrong. But all I could think of was that it's a lot like golf: Obviously some people enjoy it, but it holds no allure for me. But it's not like golf in other ways. Like if you're playing for the fewest number of strokes that works in one setting, but in the other, you're just doing it wrong. And you don't have to wear ugly pants for one, but the other, they're kind of optional. The spiky shoes really don't apply to both either. Unless you just need the traction. Oh yeah, and you only want the kid carrying your bag of clubs to follow you around in golf. I think that's a safe statement. Bag of clubs- better be talkin' golf here.

So you see? No pith here. Maybe next week. Just don't count on it.

Oh yeah, and I don't want it on TV all day Sunday either. At least not on the regular networks. Not even FOX. That would be the golf .


-Rue.

[welby]

Well Rue, just in case you're really secretly interested in the whole tractor thing, I found you a reference manual. . Just trying to help.


I also volunteer to be one of the ugly people that others should have sex with. Just leave the tractor at home.

[Ice Wolf]

I dunno. I think there was a lot of healthy, fibre-enriched pith in that OP, Rue. I may have got some stuck in me teeth, an' all. Excuse me while I look for a toothpick that I haven't gnawed lately ...

[TheLoadedDog]

Rue, that isn't YOU sending me all those "farmyard sex" emails I've been getting, is it? So that's what they're about.

[swampbear]

Ya know Rue, I did give up bowling for sex. The balls are lighter and I don't need special shoes. HAH! I slay me! Well, actually, sometimes "special shoes" do come in to play with sex. Least that's been my experience. Yeah, like any of you haven't at least thought about it. Oh, and I do the gay kinda sex. Ok, that's probably as much as I need to reveal about me and sex.

Speaking of golf, I once had tickets to the practice rounds at the Master's. It ain't like the real thing, which I've never had tickets to, but it was fun. I don't play golf, even though I own a set of golf clubs. I just don't get what some people tell me is fun about golf. Except for the drinking part in the club house after golf. That's fun. I can't wrap my mind around the concept of golf and gay sex together. Maybe if it involved those spiked golf shoes. Hmmmm..... I need to think about that. No I don't! It's just way to weird to think about on Monday morning.

Your idea for a plant movie made me think about the Venus Fly Traps I had as a kid. They were kinda fun. They ate flies. The buzzing around pesky kinda flies, ya know, houseflies, not zippers. Don't want to confuse anyone.

[FairyChatMom]

Tractors, gay sex, tall herbivores, and golf. I'm speechless. It doesn't happen often, but it's happened now. Pardon me while I sit in the corner quietly as my head explodes.

[Rue DeDay]

You frighten me welby. I don't think I need to know what ELSE you read. (And you'll have to run the "ugly people sex" idea past Welbywife. See where that gets you.)

You might want to try floss Icey. It comes in cinnamon flavour now.

Sorry Loaded, I've just been sending you the weight loss and hair restoration e-mails. I am looking to branch out though. Thanks for the ideas.

So Swampy, do you just take your clubs to the clubhouse and plunk down in a chair and drink beer and bitch about the course? Sorta like having a cast on already before you go skiing. (Only then you get to drink in a chalet.)

[Rue DeDay]

Just be glad I didn't draw a parallel between gay sex and golf with the carts Snickers. "Driving a little electric car from hole to hole" was just too much for me to stick in the OP.

[ShibbOleth]

Maybe golf (or sex) needs a Masters and Johnson tournament, unstead of just plain old Masters. That'd liven things up a bit. And I enjoy golf, except for the fact that I suck at it. Which has nothing to do with sex, swampbear, so just don't go there.

[welby]

Originally posted by Rue DeDay
"Driving a little electric car from hole to hole" was just too much for me to stick in the OP.

Must be a big girl....

And I don't read that kind of stuff myself. I'm more partial to stuff with barnyard animals, not barnyard tools. I found it for you, Rue. It's your fantasy, after all. I was just trying to be my usual helpful self.

And after your suggestion that I run the idea past Welbywife I've decided that I'm not ugly enough to participate.

[BrotherCadfael]

[Benny Hill]

Why are they called pith helmets.....

[/Benny Hill]

[LurkMeister]

I AM THOR!

Well, somebody had to say it.

[Davebear]

Am I the only one who was REALLY glad to discover this thread wasn't about urinary problems among the speech impaired?

Obviously, I'm not the only one who found it really funny, though. I'm glad Ice Wolf pointed out that it was full of pith. I was kind of worried it might be rodent hairs, or something, and I wasn't sure if I should spit it out, or not. Wouldn't want to be unnecessarily rude.

Regarding tractors and sex, Rue. You're obviously unfamiliar with the benefits of the steel-sprung seats on the older models (of tractors. I have no knowledge of the consistency of the seats of older fashion models. Dammit!). Allow me to give you something to think about, in return for the ugly people sex topic. (And, don't think I won't get you for that mental image, some day.) Older models (again, tractors, not fashion) have really comfortable, anatomically designed seats (okay, maybe that applies to both) that are attached to the frame by a leaf spring (I'm pretty sure this only applies to the tractors, but I'd have to do some research to be sure. Possibly, hands on research). This is because the older models (tractors, not fashion models...try to focus, would ya?) have no suspensions on the wheels, and this produces a very bouncy ride. Very bouncy. So, combine an older model (tractor) with an attractive member of the opposite sex (okay, NOW, a fashion model might be appropriate. Happy?), a secluded, freshly furrowed field on a warm sunny day, and a full tank of gas, and ...damn...you got sex that doesn't require any physical effort for either party, other than steering! And, people wonder why farmers used to have such big families.

As for the golf and gay sex concept? I hadn't ever considered the similarities, before. Kind of odd, really, when you think about it. I mean, gay men are generally the best dressed guys around, while golfers are about the worst. But, they DO both involve a fair amount of bending over, I guess. On the other hand, I doubt most gay men have ever done eighteen holes in a single morning. So, I'm not sure there's anything to that theory.

But, what really worries me is the thought of some punkass kid, following me around with my balls in a bag. That just gives me the willies. I'm fairly attached to my balls, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. And, don't even get me started on the nightmare concept of buying used balls! And, the whole concept of driving ranges, renting out entire buckets of balls, for the sole purpose of whacking them with a big stick! I'm sorry, I have to go think about something pleasant, now. Maybe something involving an older model and a tractor.

[stofsky]

Originally posted by Rue DeDay
I was also thinking, they could make this movie. These genetic scientists take the tallest herbivore right off the African plains.

[George "Goober" Lindsay] Rudy, Rudy, Rudy [/George "Goober" Lindsay]

(Get it? I tied in a pun on your name with the "Andy Griffith" episode where Goober does his Clark Gable impression for Helen Crump's ugly cousin, [played by Mary Grace Canfield, famed for the part of Ralph Monroe on "Green Acres"] in which Goober discovers that beauty is skin-deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah. You're telegraphing your punch lines my friend. Perhaps you could have said that they took a cameleopard? That would have been slightly more obscure, I guess.

I hope that doesn't pith you off.

[Kn*ckers]

Hmm, Sex with the Ugly, huh? I guess that's as good a cause as any... Like Habitat for Humanity, only with less construction work and Jimmy Carter, and more ugly people having sex.
Maybe it would be most efficient to set up a matching service so that ugly people could have sex with each other. Then the mission would get done twice as fast, and all the pretty people wouldn't have to be all grossed out and stuff.

And I, too, thought this thread was going to be about urination and lisping. I much prefer to read about dangerous giraffes, tractors and gay sex. Though golf bores me.


P.S.: You all made me laugh and laugh.

[Cerowyn]

One of your better OPs, Rue.

We really will have to conduct a study, though, of how people seem to adopt your writing style in your threads. 'Tis wondrous to see.

[Rue DeDay]

Maybe next week I can have a "Write Like Rue" contest Cerowyn. No real OP, just a list of subjects and everyone gets to work up their own Rue Post. It could be fun. Maybe even prizes. Like a "Sex With the Ugly" t-shirt. (Give till it hurts!)

It's something to think about.

[scout1222]

I was thoroughly confuthed when I opened thith thread and realithed you didn't have a kidney or bladder ithue.

No pith, indeed.

It'th hard to type with a lithp.

[swampbear]

Hmmmmmmmmm...... tractor sex. I mean, sex with someone and we're both on a tractor. The other thing is just wrong somehow. Not that I'd disparage someone who has sex with farm machinery. To each his or her own I say. Just don't tell me about it and I won't tell you about the incident involving me and my uncle farmer's hired man on a combine in 1973. Nevermind. Don't read that. I said I wouldn't tell.

Rue I like the idea of just showing up at the clubhouse with golf clubs and drinking beer without having actually played golf. I could play golf that way all the time.

[dwyr]

I just know I'm going to dream about sexy giraffes playing golf tonight.



Business as usual.

[Helena]

Originally posted by Rue DeDay
do you just take your clubs to the clubhouse

Oh, is that why they call it the clubhouse? Ah ha!

[swampbear]

Just to add my final opinion on the burning question of gay sex. I'm all in favor of it. Of course, I would be. I mean, my mind often drifts off to sex with sweaty, burly men. In kilts. In tight bluejeans. In leather. Well, I guess ya get the idea.

Anyway, until Rue started this thread, I never thought about gay sex on the golf course. Now, I think about that. So, that's what Rue has done for me today.

Oh, and to Davebear, this thought about golfer attire. See, around here, the golfers tend to wear shorts, especially when it gets warm. Believe me, in south Georgia it gets mighty warm. These shorts tend to be white and kind

[swampbear]

Just to add my final opinion on the burning question of gay sex. I'm all in favor of it. Of course, I would be. I mean, my mind often drifts off to sex with sweaty, burly men. In kilts. In tight bluejeans. In leather. Well, I guess ya get the idea.

Anyway, until Rue started this thread, I never thought about gay sex on the golf course. Now, I think about that. So, that's what Rue has done for me today.

Oh, and to Davebear, this thought about golfer attire. See, around here, the golfers tend to wear shorts, especially when it gets warm. Believe me, in south Georgia it gets mighty warm. These shorts tend to be white a

[swampbear]

Just to add my final opinion on the burning question of gay sex. I'm all in favor of it. Of course, I would be. I mean, my mind often drifts off to sex with sweaty, burly men. In kilts. In tight bluejeans. In leather. Well, I guess ya get the idea.

Anyway, until Rue started this thread, I never thought about gay sex on the golf course. Now, I think about that. So, that's what Rue has done for me today.

Oh, and to Davebear, this thought about golfer attire. See, around here, the golfers tend to wear shorts, especially when it gets warm. Believe me, in south Georgia it gets mighty warm. These shorts tend to be white and kinda tight, especially when they bend over. _{WOOF! Golfers bending over in white shorts.} OK, maybe I have thought about gay sex on a golf course. But, not for a while and not this year before Rue brought it up. The shorts tend to be see through, so a person can see like jock straps. _{Hmmmmmmmmmm......... sweaty jockstraps.}

It's all Rue's fault! Good thing he didn't mention cookies.
_{Hmmmmmmm........ golfers, sweaty jock straps, beer, cookies ......... Hmmmmmmmm.......... AAAAAAAAAAARGH! brain overload!}

It's all Rue's fault!

[swampbear]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!

See what Rue did to me. All those thoughts in my head caused 3 really weird posts to happen.

It's all Rue's fault, I tell ya!

[Kat]

You know, there's a country song about that. Not golf, no. About tractors and (implied) sex.

Relevent lyrics:
"She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on"

Sorry, I don't remember the title or artist. I'm sick, so I don't have the energy to look it up.

[d_redguy]

Ironically enough, it's She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy by Kenny Chesney.*

*I am not a big Country music fan, but I have heard this song. It is amusing.

[Exgineer]

See, with most forums on this board, you can leave a thread for a couple of hours and come back and pick up where you left off.

Not in MPSIMS, and not in a Rue thread. I just found this, and I'm already lost.

Tractors. Carnivorous giraffes. Sex. Tractor sex. Gay flirting and sex. The fact that gay carniverous giraffes have 18" tongues (What? Nobody mentioned that yet?). Something about balls and bags. Information overload!

Evidently, a guy needs to jump on these Rue threads when they're fresh. I didn't, and I'm lost.

Anybody got a map?

[juji_mojo]

Ahem!

My husband just walked in and wants to know why I am actually bawling*... sobbing and laughing and moaning and hooting. Tears are running down my face and Im blowing my nose**

I try to explain the pointy teethed herbivores, the golf/tractor sex, gay or otherwise, the special dorky pants...or the shorts that "are white and kind" and then ...

So have the Canucks scored yet?

No.

He just sits down and watches the game. Refuses to hear any more.

*Bawling, with a W, not balling, with two L's. That would be more appropriate to golf.. or ummmm sex, or well both. Im not sure how the tractor fits in.

**Blowing my nose, using a facial tissue to catch the extracted nasal mucous. Not blowing like in sex. If "blowing" counts as sex, I mean I used to think it did, but Americans and their electoral system have a way of making everything complicated.

[Exgineer]

See what you did, Rue?

You sucked in another poor soul, that's what you did. She's now numbered with the lost, just like me.

Welcome, juji_mojo.

Pull up a chair, you're going to be here a while.

[Davebear]

Originally posted by juji_mojo
Im not sure how the tractor fits in.

Normally, I'd say it wouldn't. I mean, not comfortably, anyway. But...well... maybe...I mean, you know... one of those gay golfers in the see-through white shorts, bending over to retrieve one of his balls after doing eighteen holes (and, who wouldn't need to pick his balls up off the ground, after that?)...well, if the golf course happened to be adjacent to the farm....they do, sometimes, have those big, thick crank handles in the front (the tractors, not the gay golfers) (okay, sometimes them, too)...could be ugly...and...aw, dammit!... now we're back to ugly sex, again ...how'd that happen?

Models! Think about models...and anatomically designed seats...in white, see-through shorts...*sigh*...bending over...ooh!...to pick up your balls... ACK!

[Tripler]

Originally posted by BrotherCadfael
[Benny Hill]

Why are they called pith helmets.....

[/Benny Hill]

I'm glad I wasn't the only guy thinking this. . .

And here I thought it was going to be a thread about Rue hacking his way through a tropical jungle with a machete, evading pygmies, and yelling "Croikey!"

Tripler
Oh well. One can only hope, I guess. . .

[juji_mojo]

It happened again. Im lawfing, and giggling, and I get this "whats up"? and I say "golfing with tractors" and he shuts the patio door ... (shh the neighbours!) says sorry I asked.

*sigh*

Exgineer, its been happening for a while. In fact, today despite getting up at 8 am...it was not until after 6 pm that I managed to go outside, buy some fruit and veggies, and get laundry change.


Ive been thinking though about the white shorts that are kind. I would like to know more about those. Most white shorts I have ever tried on are definitely UNKIND. Which sucks, being a nurse and all. Maybe it would help if I stood next to a tractor? Or would they look better if I was running from giant mutant African herbivores?

I am so very, very confused.

[juji_mojo]

oh and has it occured to anyone that you need the pith helmet to get the giraffes in the first place?

No Pith?

Rue, you lent them out to the kahki shirted extras working for Giraffic Park!

[juji_mojo]

oh and has it occured to anyone that you need the pith helmet to get the giraffes in the first place?

No Pith?

Rue, you lent them out to the kahki shirted extras working for Giraffic Park!

[FairyChatMom]

I just noticed that no one picked up on:

Further World Peace and make everything nicer for the children.

opting instead to veer into the world of strange animals and stranger uses for farm implements. You guys are all sick, twisted, perverted, and unfit for polite society.





So, ya wanna go bowling or something?


_{waiting for more ball jokes...}

[Rue DeDay]

How come you go and say "Hi!" to juji_mojo [powerpuff] JOOOOOOOOjiMojo[/powerpuff]Ex, yet Helena shows up to nothing? Sheesh. (Ah ha! Helena. Good one.)

And you know there ARE wimmin golfers too. Maybe one or two of them in kind shorts...


-Rue. (just tryin' to help)

[welby]

Oh Rue, you really ought to have a write like Rue contest. I'd enter. I'd probably lose though, especially since I'm not very clever. But I'd try. I really want a "Sex with Ugly" t-shirt, but I'm too cheap to buy it.

-Welby (just tryin to kiss ass)

[Rue DeDay]

Trippler, I had to hack through the living room evading the boys and I yelled something when I stepped on the Lego. I wasn't wearing a hat though. I hope that helps.

Nice try welb. It's appreciated.

By the way... COOKIES! (Ha! Swampy.) Blame ME for your goofy posts? Yeah, like it's all MY fault. Sure.

Feel better Kat.

[welby]

Well Rue, I wouldn't want to pith you off.

[Rue DeDay]

Better to be pithed off than pithed on, I always say. And I've learned you shouldn't "always say" the same thing over and over.

"Do you take the Little Woman as your lawfully wedded wife?"
"Better to be pithed off than pithed on!"

[welby]

"Then that would be a no?"

[SkipMagic]

Originally posted by Rue DeDay
I was also thinking, they could make this movie. These genetic scientists take the tallest herbivore right off the African plains. Then they give them sharp teeth and snapping jaws.

What, Swamp Thing?

How could you forget Bill Erickson's awe-inspiring performance as "Young Agent"?

Seriously; no one appreciates the classics anymore.

[Lissla Lissar]

I'm with Exgineer. I don't know what's going on. I've been watching this thread develop, and I still don't know what's going on. Oh well.

juji, my husband ignores me when I try to read aloud from the SDMB, too.

For those of you who remember from last week's thread: Cat Update! Still wearing a cone, and still cranky. They took the stitches out, too, so he's crankier. This does tie in- not only has he lost his balls, but but everything else he piths with, too.

I notice you didn't mention me in your "Dopers who don't irritate me" thread, Exgineer.

::sulk::

[Exgineer]

My apologies to Helena. I really didn't mean to be rude.

I told you I was lost.

I think I'm gonna' just drop back ten and punt, and try to come up with a bowling ball joke for FairyChatMom.

[Copper_moon]

I'm totally lost. But just wanted to say hi.








Hi









.

[Copper_moon]

I'm lost too. Been wandering the jungle from the beginning but wanted to say hi.












hi.
















.

[Copper_moon]

Sorry for the double post. The hampsters hate me.

[Rue DeDay]

Geez Lissla, I startedthis thing and it always amazes me. Well, not always, but I'll be nice about it.

And "hate" is such an ugly word Copper. Maybe someone forgot to send in some sunflower seeds or something.

[CRorex]

When you said you don't Pith I thought you were refering to 'scrambling' the brain of a creature following decapitation.

I don't do that well either.

It's kinda creepy holding a severed frog head and shoving a probe into it's skull through the hole for the spinal column all so you can annihilate the poor froggy's brain before it realizes it's had it's head chopped off.

Only thing worse is if you perform the decapitation too far below the skull and squeeze all the insides out of the frog