My 12 year old son (the one who thinks Jack Frost is “sweet”) came home from the video store last night with some piece of dreck entitled “The Item”. It was bad. Soooo bad. Bad bad. The kind of bad that makes you want to curl into a fetal ball while lovingly cleaning your assault rifle and humming hooray for Hollywood…. I watched in horror while several of the main characters coasted around an alley as though they were on casters, chasing a kung-fu drag queen who was armed with a handgun that held approximately 986 rounds and only ran out of ammo when it was aimed at someone point-blank. Then some kind of talking penis-puppet (the “Item” named in the title) made its appearance.
I left the room.
I will leave it to someone else who has experienced this travesty to comment on the music, the sound effects, the acting, the C.C. DeVille wannabe scientist in a shiny silver suit from whom the “Item” was bought, the acting, the dialogue, and the acting. What I want to know is, how did it end? I really don’t want to finish watching this thing-that-calls-itself-a-movie, but I need the closure.
Um. The bad guy captured the good guy, and everything looked hopeless, but then the good guy got loose and beat up the bad guy. Then everything blew up. Then the good guy went off with the girl, but they didn’t know that the bad guy wasn’t really dead, or “the Item” wasn’t really destroyed, or … anyway, there’s a set-up for “The Item 2” in the last shot.
No, of course I haven’t seen it. But I will be astonished if that summary isn’t accurate.
It was worse than you can possibly imagine. The penis monster convinces various people in the house to kill themselves or each other and then has sex with one of the women. It was pretty graphic, oogy, penis monster sex (I remember being grossed out).
Oh, God. The shame. I have seen this movie. I will tell you the ending, to save you the horror.
WARNING: FOLLOWING WILL BE GUT-FREEZINGLY WEIRD AND EVIL (also contains spoilers)
Okay now. Um…the penis puppet has some sort of telepathic powers. It convinces the guy with the brain tumor to kill himself. Then, it convinces the fat guy to try to kill everyone else, but he screws it up. Then the guy wearing the Hawaiian shirt kills him. Now only Hawaiian shirt guy, the girl, and the Vietnamese artist chick are left alive. The HSG decides to kill the other two, but is killed by the girl. The girl takes the money and leaves, leaving the penis puppet with the Vietnamese artist chick. She has sex with the puppet. She then leaves with the puppet, and the last scene shows the would-be puppet buyers pounding on the door of the now-empty apartment.
You have your answer. Let us never speak of this again.
And the first one who points out that Talking Penis Puppet would make a great band name will be tied to a chair and forced to watch this movie until his eyes leap from his skull and flee the room.
