You can define “worst” however you choose: most disgusting, least arousing, dumbest dialogue, whatever.
I’d have to say that the worst porn I’ve seen (not a movie, I guess, but a scene in one of those “compilation” tapes) involved a bearded black midget having sex with a very reluctant (so reluctant it was borderline rape) dumpy middle-aged redhead while his white midget hippie friend spied on them from a crack in the door. I believe the friend was stimulating himself manually during the goings-on. Hot! Hot! Hot!
I dated a very (it turned out) sexually confused woman, she was a timid, mousy, librarian kind of girl who showed up at my house one day with the least arousing, most disturbing porn that I have ever seen. It involved a “drilldo” (a cordless drill with a rubber dildo on it), it looked painful and none of the “girls” seemed to enjoy it much.
Since the Internet I have seen everything. Scat/watersports/Bestiality/underage(not on purpose of course) so many revolting things that it’s not even a category anymore. So I’m going to define bad as in poorly made or worthless.
So I’m going with ‘The Idol’ an old (I’m thinking 1970’s) porn with John Holmes in it. Needless to say it had bad acting bad dialogue crappy shaking hand cam. But what really set it over the top is you could hear the director several times in it.
“More tongue.”
and my favorite.
“the husband walks in”
At the place I used to work there was this guy in a band that would give my friend a box of porn tapes every time he came through. My friend then would give me the box after he took a tape or two from it. However the boxes are invariably the most boring stupid crap I’ve ever seen. All sorts of badly made amateur videos with two middle aged pasty white people with guts going at it is not hot.
I’ve just started throwing the boxes away as soon as he gives them to me they are so worthless.
[Badfilm]
Yeah, but you get her in a cemetary, and watch out! They call her Graveyard Glory…
[/Badfilm]
[sub]Sorry.[/sub] Hyperelastic, that wouldn’t be a flick called Santa’s Little Helper or something similar, would it? I vaguely recall this movie full of midgets in ‘elf’ costumes… and well, the less said, the better, I guess.
Years ago, my then-boyfriend and I rented a porn and apparently didn’t pay too much attention to the content on the box. Three words…chicks with dicks. I think that’s all that needs to be said. ::insert puke smilie here::
A former professional wrestler of my acquaintance once gave me this godawful bestiality video. Eesh.
On the other hand, one of my fave porn videos was Sex Boat, a takeoff on Love Boat. Depending on the scene, the cruise ship changed size periodically; some scenes were obviously shot on a cruise ship, whereas others were plainly shot on a small cabin cruiser…
And then, the pirates attack. We know they’re pirates because they’re all wearing paper hats from Long John Silver’s fast food fish joints…
It was the one my Mom walked in on. When I was in high school, a few friends of mine came over one morning[school holiday] and we set up the projector[8MM, real classy huh?] After about 30 minutes of NOTHING GOIN’ ON, the front door opens and female parent staggers in. She’d taken sick at work, and just barely made it home. Timing is everything, my friends. Friends beat a hasty retreat, leaving said porn still flickering. She trailed upstairs, but then shouted down to me,“Please put THAT away.” Nothing more was ever said, thank Og.
I don’t think I ever want to see any of this stuff you guys are talking about. But the Internet is good for (unintentionally) funny porn too.
It was a five minute scene broken up into three clips. The first clip was the clothed “small talk” that all porn has. But the middle clip was comedy gold. The girl is on top of the guy doing her thing and she starts talking to the cameraman. Just stupid small talk actually. She talks about the weather, her grades in school (she got an A), and the fact that she just had to bring her car in to be fixed. Clip two ends and clip three starts with the two still going at it but now yelling and moaning and screaming in that way that only porn movies can.
It was the funniest thing I ever saw and I wish I could find it again.
A few years ago, a couple of my friends gave me a porn movie as a gag gift (at least I think is was a gag gift). It was called Edward Penishands.
Basically, this guy has a penis where each of his hands should be. Women see this and immediatly have to do him. Probably the only movie I’ve ever seen where they asked a guy to fake an orgasm (because of course his hands would…well, you get the idea).
Remember that scene near the end of Edward Scissorhands where he was making an ice sculpture and Winona Rider was dancing in the snow? Well, they did a ripoff of that scene, too. Don’t ask. For the love of God, don’t ask.
The worst plotwise was “Hot Gun,” porn version of Top Gun. Men and women in flight uniforms arguing over who the best pilot was, getting aroused, and stripping naked…cue the wah wah guitar. A scene where a man in a flightsuit was comforting a woman also in a flightsuit over a comrade whose plane went down and was missing…cue the wah wah guitar. The missing pilot returns, much rejoicing and hugging, which escalates into…cue the wah wah guitar. There were no planes in the movie.
Second was “Load Warrior,” porn version of Road Warrior. In the post apocalyptic future, male semen is the most valuable commodity in the world, due to high radiation. Peter North is obviously a hot commodity. Man, Mel Gibson must be spinning in his grave.
The worst arousal wise was definitely a German coprophilia video my college bandmate found, fittingly, in a dumpster. That was truly horrific, vile, and revolting in everyway imaginable. We watched it over and over.
Shortly after we got married, my husband and I were talking about porn and I told him I’d never seen any. So he borrowed some videos from a friend, including a gem called “Ginger’s Sex Asylum.” I don’t know what it was supposed to be about, but at one point, an “inmate” in a hospital gown was squatting and clucking like a chicken. Then he “laid” an egg, picked it up, looked at it, and smashed it on his head. Oh baby…
He also had “Deep Throat” and as soon as I heard the theme song, I lost it. Cracked me up!!
Needless to say, porn does nothing for me. but I do like the Skinemax musical version of Cinderella - it’s a funny movie with some soft-core scenes tossed in.
Oh, wow. The list is…endless. But the one that sticks in my mind is a 70’s movie called It Happened In Hollywood. This was back when they were still trying to be “Art.” Well…they missed. The movie was a sorta “Hey kids! Let’s put on a porno!” production. The scene that stands out involved a woman and a exercise bicycle. Well, it started out as a bicycle. But they added…stuff, so that as she pedalled, it…did things. There was a tongue, and a dildo or two, and steam cups for her boobs, and…you get the idea. The payoff “came” later, when she was making it with the nebbish lead, and in the middle of everything he looked her in the eyes and asked “Am I better than the bicycle?”
Still makes me chuckle to this day. So bad it was funny.
My “worst porn” candidate was “Defiance of Good and Evil.” It was the OPPOSITE of sexy. First of all, during all the sex scenes, instead of wah-wah guitars, they played funeral dirges on the organ (no, a REAL organ!) And no, I’m not kidding, funeral dirges. What’s more, during most of the sex scenes, the lead female cries a lot. Also a major turn-off. Between the funeral dirges and the crying, there was nothing sexy abuot the film. It was in fact vaguely depressing.
I’m not brave enough to watch the scat and bestiality stuff. But bachelor parties among my crowd feature the nastiest porn that isn’t the above two. “Slammin Granny in the Fanny” was one. Nasty ol’ midget sex is another. And amputee sex too. Ugh.
But for overall disappointment and ugh factor, Japanese porno takes the cake. With the helmets and fish costumes, and the guys manipulating the girls’ cooters with speculums and stuff, and the girls crying, and the weird mosaic stuff, and worst of all, the corn syrup fetish. Every one I’ve seen has at least one scene where the girl pours clear corn syrup out of her mouth and all over everything. Yuk! The least arousing porno that masquerades as possibly interesting porno ever.
