I tried. Very nicely, with little cussing, I tried in this thread about those of us who know or suspect we will never wed. But still, you came, one by one by one, to tell us that, “Oh, just when you leat expect it, Love will Come Around the Corner,” or (my favorite) “You can’t find love till you love yourself.”
Well, listen up, buckos. I dated for ten, fifteen years before I realized that after awhile, you’re no longer an optimist, you’re a masochist. I am never going to get married, or have a boyfriend, ever again. Three reasons:
I am an unprepossessing middle-aged woman.
I am not looking.
I am transgendered. And, to paraphrase Mrs. Parker, “Men seldom pinch fannies of girls who are trannies.”
Now, mind you, I am not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself (well, OK, right now I am, but . . .). I have a fulfilling career, a lot of friends, and I enjoy being single (note the “not looking” clause). I know lots of people (no names) in unhappy marriages and, as my Aunt Ida says, “It’s better to be alone than to wish you were.”
So will you please take my word for it–take all of our words for it?–and stop being so fucking smug and condescending? You are NOT being helpful.
Okay, I didn’t participate in the thread, but I’m guilty of this. I do it to some of my friends. It’s not meant to be condescending, though. I never had a serious relationship beyond three months before I met my boyfriend and the love of my life. Now, I’m so amazed by this unexpected love, and so happy, that I just want my friends to be as happy as I am and to experience this kind of love. It’s not meant to be condescending, it’s out of my wish for them to be happy.
However, I do see now that it can be condescending, even if it’s not intentional. I’ll stop doing it to them. I hated it when people did it to me when I was single (although now I know they were right), so I don’t know why I think it’s okay for me to do it.
Grrr…and upon re-reading, that looks like I’m being smug, as in “Well, they were right, so I am, too”, but it’s just meant in a “I know I got mad at my friends, but they were right in my case.”
I have to admit I’ve trotted both of those out on occasion. ::hangs head in abject shame::
However, in my own defense, I would like to note that the person in question had asked me a direct question about her prospects for love and marriage, and why she never seems to find men. She brought it on herself, I tell ya!
Oh, and Eve, after you get this subset of condescending schmucks sorted, how about starting in on the “Oh, you’ll see when you have kids” people. Those smarmy bastards are driving me nuts. Oooh, maybe I’ll just start telling them I’m transgendered too. That ought to shut them up.
Oh, and I’ve seen your pictures, and I think you’re quite prepossessing, Eve. You appear to have gorgeous skin, beautiful hair, and absolutely stunning bone structure. Those New York/Jersey guys must be crazy.
Eve, dahling, I prefer “custom built.” Not everybody is a chopped and channeled, injected and blown (well, maybe not blown anymore ), Hemi-powered, high-performance, nineteen-something-model street machine. (Almost called you a “hot rod” but that rod’s out of the picture, too. )
Ah, this is the part it’s easy to misinterpret. A lot of people who are single are upset about that, but a lot of people are *not, and some people make asses of themselves assuming all single people are the former.
And having met you, let me agree that you’re highly preposessing.
You’ve got it wrong, Eve. The masochists are the ones in the relationships. Having married twice, I know that Neil Peart said it best, “There is no love without pain.”
That’s what burns some people. They just can’t accept the idea of happy singleness. Why, they’re happily in love, everyone else must desire to be in love, just like them!
Being fulfilled on your own is preferable. Even for those who are in love.
Eve, I am horrified by the notion that I am one of the condescending Pollyannas you are calling down. I merely wanted to share my story in response to some of the younger, gloomier gusses I’d seen in that thread.
I wouldn’t presume to tell anyone (total strangers, to boot) they’d be happier in a relationship than alone, that’s ridiculous; I also wouldn’t tell the gloomy gusses that the right person is out there waiting, 'cause I’m well aware it ain’t always true. My disclaimers to that effect were vaguely worded and possibly overlooked at the end of a long-winded post.
My point (which I took my sweet rambling time trying to express) was that I’d been happy enough single, and right now am happy enough with someone else. To the 20ish folks depressed at the thought of spend their lives unmarried, I think I’d say try to be happy with what you have, whatever you have, and don’t keep peeking at your watch because who wants to spend their life miserable waiting for someone who never shows up? That’s all.
I can see I got stuck on details of the relationship itself, and that it could easily come across as smug or boastful. I’m still somewhat shocked at the way my life is turning, and the novelty hasn’t worn off, please forgive me for that. I’m sorry if I offended you or anyone else.
I don’t want to be immodest, but I have had men wanting to marry me ever since I was 17. The thing is, I wasn’t ready then, and I am too smart to get all googly and think that maybe I WAS ready. I KNEW I wasn’t.
So then all kinds of men came along, and some of them I loved too much, and some of them loved me TOO
I guess so. However, I was talking about the fact that I had this whole explanatory post and when I hit submit reply I got…nothing. THAT is what I was wondering what happened about.
And I quit, so have a nice night. Who cares anyway? Probably no one.
Eve …I love you. Do whatever you need to do in order to be happy.
Eve, I’ve no wish to come under the fire of the OP, but if I might respectfully disagree a bit…
Perhaps in your opinion, but it’s the opinions of others that would count here. I’ve not met you personally, but going on pictures I’ve seen and the opinions of Dopers who have met you, “unprepossessing” is hardly the word I’d use.
There’s nothing wrong with being middle-aged, either. Lots of people are (I’m damned close), and many of them are looking for someone. I don’t believe it’s the handicap you think it is.
As I noted in the other thread, neither am I. Neither are lots of people. It still happens sometimes anyway.
Mrs. Parker may be right, but do you really want to spend your life with an unrepentant fanny-pincher, anyway? I may be odder than I realize, but I can’t see this as an insurmountable obstacle. It is, after all, the person that’s important, not (if you’ll pardon the euphemism) the plumbing (especially if it’s former plumbing). I’d hate to think I’m the only one who feels that way.
I don’t think people meant to be condescending (and neither do I), I think they were trying to be encouraging.
Sure, many people have sought out the solitary lifestyle; but others evidently feel involuntarily shoehorned into it through circumstances beyond their control. I think the Pollyannas were simply saying to those people that Hope Springs Eternal.
Being alone because you want to be is wondrous and liberating. Being alone because you think you have no choice can be major suckitude. I can’t fault people for wanting to bring a ray of light into the darkness of those who have it.
), Hemi-powered, high-performance, nineteen-something-model street machine. (Almost called you a “hot rod” but that rod’s out of the picture, too. 