Horrible Toilet Volcano

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So it all started last night.

I just had to eat the damn Panda Express chinese food at the mall. Then follow it with lotsa beer.

This morning, it blasted out my ass like a well greased rabid ferret.

I flushed.

It didn’t go down.

I plunged a few minutes, then flushed again.

It not only didn’t go down, but it volcanoed over the edge of the bowl, and covered the floor, bringing an onslaught of semi-solid turds across the floor.

I tried to dive and cut off the water valve to stop the toilet from trying to refill, but with no sucess… I only managed to get spashed in the face.

It spilled out of the doorway, and started soaking into the carpet.

I managed to use a broom handle to wedge the bobber in the tank to the upright position to cut off the water, while the wifey ran upstairs and brought down all the towels, clean or dirty, to soak up the water and stop the onslaught.

I put plastic trash bags on my feet, returned to the mess, and started plunging again.

VIOLA! It goes down like there’s no problem!

We talked to the landlord after several hours of stench-ridden cleanup, and he nonchalantly said “Oh well… THe pipes in Pacific Grove are about a hundred years old… sometimes it happens.”

Meanwhile, I’m emotionally scarred for life.

2

I emotionally scared just by reading that! Yikes!

Sounds like a nightmare!

3

I didn’t need to read that.

Several years ago some bonehead in another apartment apparently ran out of toilet paper. So she (I’m pretty sure I know who it was, and if I’m right this person didn’t have two brain cells to rub together) used paper towels. Guess whose apartment is the last one before the pipes leave the building? Guess who had raw sewage pouring out of his toilet and bathtub drain? :mad:

4

Violas are expensive musical instruments, and you shouldn’t use them for any kind of plumbing work!

5

GROSS!

6

This thread is 7 hours old and lieu hasn’t posted yet?

7

I love threads like these!

This OP was especially well-written. Nice title, too. Simple yet highly evocative. You could almost smell the er, elan, as it were.

I’d love to have a T-shirt that simply reads, “Horrible Toilet Volcano”. I love the title of this thread so much; it totally cracks me up! :smiley:

8

I took one look at that thread title and thought, I just have to know what this is about.

Creaky, I’ll buy one of those T-shirts!

9

Journeyman, do you think it would be possible to just get like two of them printed up? Do T-shirt places do orders that small? Maybe I can look into it this week, and I’ll post back and let you know. Hell, I’ll just send you the T-shirt if it can be done!

10

Four …

Three …

Two …

One!

Band name.

11

Where’s lieu?

12

Harry Potter and the Horroble Toilet Volcano. I think it’s book 7.

13

That would be “horrible.” Harry Potter and the Proofreading Poster.

14

On days like that you need to shit at the neighbor’s.

15

Better yet—it would make a kick-ass album title.

16

This is one of my nightmares come true. EWWWWWWWW!!!

Why, oh why, do I feel compelled to read these threads? Anything even vaguely TMI gets my attention, and “Horrible Toilet Volcano” is definitely TMI material…sigh…

17

That was … special. :smiley:

My two canadates for worst toilet ever seen:

(1) At a roadside potty, the mountain of turds in the stopped-up bowl was actually higher than the rim. Don’t know, or want to know, how that feat was achieved! But that was nothing compared to:

(2) Travelling in China, the “toilet” at one College I stayed at was a concrete trench with a pole over it. You had to balance on the pole - failure to do so would result in a backflip into the trench. You really, really didn’t want to have that happen, as the trench was filled with a lake of urine with turd-islands - the whole, crawing with millions of maggots and humming with flies! The main problem was that the stench was strong enough to make you pass out, with the result that you would slip off the poll and into the trench.

The pole was rusty iron. The trench “sat” 8-10 and was in near-constant use.

18

Ah, the shotgun shit. Truly a life-altering event.

I myself have had the unpleasant experience of dealing with the Horrible Toilet Volcano combined with the additional special effect known as The Unstoppable Turd Waterfall. I don’t mind sharing…

The wife and I were driving back to her folks place in Minnesota from a nearby town after getting something to eat and some shopping. About 100 yards from the house I frantically tell my wife that she needs to make all haste in getting to the driveway as soon as possible because I gotta go RIGHT NOW.

She then slows down to about 5 mph laughing at me because she sees the look of panic in my face. I warn her again that this is gonna get messy if she doesn’t speed up. She slows down even more.

In desperation I open the passenger door, dive out and combat roll into a sprint for the last 50 yards to the house. I throw open the front door singing the “I gotta go” song and everybody (most of her family) wisely gets out of my way.

The house is over a hundred years old and the only bathroom is up a narrow staircase on the second floor. I race up the stairs and smack my head on the overhang. This nearly causes my already spasming butt muscles to ‘release the hounds’.

I recover quickly and barely make it to the throne. I’ll spare you the details of the next few minutes but think Dumb & Dumber. I refer to this phenomenon privately as The Shit Storm.

Relieved that it was over quickly, I stand up and flush the toilet. I know this toilet overflows from time to time and pray that it won’t happen now.

It does. With a Vengeance.

The bathroom floor is tile, outside the bathroom is linoleum. The floor of the little hallway outside angles… yep, to the top of the stairs. And at the bottom of the stairs is the…

Kitchen. Where mother- and sisters-in-law are preparing lunch for everyone else.

I holler at my wife, who has by now entered the downstairs and is still laughing her ass off, to grab towels and get up here NOW. A sharp sister-in-law figures out what that tone of voice means and grabs the plunger from somewhere and heads upstairs.

She neatly hops over the poo lava stream and bravely attacks the source, the poor choked up toilet. She fixes it quickly, I mutter ‘thanks’ as my wife and I try to stave off the foul river from advancing down another step.

By now the entire family downstairs knows what’s going on and is laughing their heads off.

We managed to get everything cleaned up, except my dignity.

I believe I got drunk that night.

By the way, where’s lieu?

19

With posts like these, do we really need lieu?

20

lieu just left Crapatoa. Everybody east and west of the java better watch the hell out.