So, I arrive at work at my usual early time this morning, 5:30 since we got to take care of the east coasters. As soon as I drop my stuff off at my cube, I head for the bathroom. For some reason just being at work makes me want to take a dump. I head for my favorite stall and there at the bottom (luckily) of the bowl are two giant turds. Grumbling at the thoughtless cow-orker who must have been raised in an outhouse I trip the flush handle – and watch in amazement as the two objects jostle around, both unable to fit through the throat as they vie for position. It was like watching two sumo wrestlers who don’t like each other very much trying to fit through a doorway at the same time.
I backed away and used another stall. A few hours later I peeked in and they were gone. Either they had softened up over time so the pummeling flush water could force them down or brownian (ha!) motion eventually came up with a fitting solution.
Though I laughed, particularly at the apt description of “two sumo wrestlers who don’t like each other very much trying to fit through a doorway at the same time,” I could have done without the mental image of 2 giant turds trying to fit through a “throat.” Blorgh.
And for the record, sometimes I crap pretty big. Though I’ve never crapped even one sumo, let alone two.
It’s a shame to admit I plugged up almost every single toilet I used in England. I’ve only plugged about a dozen toilets here, usually the low-flows, and always with a single sumo. I’m pretty sure my crap is bigger than yours. Sometimes they’re up to about 18 inches long.
When I was a kid, we got this adorable, weensy little kitten. One day, I took this crap. I was immensely proud of it, but doubted I could get anyone to come have a look at it, so I buried it in the litterbox.
My brother screamed when he found it. My mom came running and was horrified. This thing was nearly twice the size of the kitten! She yelled at my brother for a while, trying to get him to admit that it was his, and then she decided to take the kitty to the vet. At that point, I stepped forward and took the credit that was my [del]doo[/del] due.
Oh my gosh, this made me laugh so hard I cried! Reminds me of the time I was staying at a friend’s house. It was him and three other guys in a 3 bedroom/1 bath apartment. I woke up in the middle of the night and needed to pee so badly it hurt. I went down to the bathroom and one of the guys had plugged the toilet and I was not about to deal with that, so I ran back up to friend’s room and squatted over the litter box. In the morning, everyone was tripping out over how much kitty had peed in one night – I sure as hell wasn’t going to own up to using a litter box!
[spoiler]When I was eight months pregnant I suffered from random bouts of constipation. After several days of no poopage, I felt the first twinges of intestinal distress. I was at work at the time and didn’t want to unload several days of pregnancy bingeing there, so I excused myself early and went home. I sat down on the pot and waited. And waited. And waited. The thing would NOT budge! I could tell this was going to be SERIOUS poop. So I went upstairs to the master bath where there was a little more room and better leverage. I cried. I screamed. I kicked the walls in agony.
Hours later (it seems) I finally passed what can only be described as a 20-pound cocoon. Through my gasps for breath and beads of sweat, I stared on in alarm and amazement. I’d certainly passed a fifth of my body weight. I expected to implode at the waist from sudden loss of mass. And then I saved it for my husband to flush when he got home because I knew he’d never believe me.
Long story longer, it took about 20 minutes of breaking up and softening, after he got home and finished gagging, to get the monster down.[/spoiler]
You know, I don’t even want to know how you got it in there. One of my friends (in fourth grade) told me that she pooped on the kitchen floor once and had to carry it back to the toilet. She said she was in the bathroom and the phone rang. Her father was a preacher, and this was before answering machines were very common, so she knew she really needed to get the phone in case it was an emergency or whatever. She jumped up and ran, clenching her ass the whole time, but when she got to the phone, she forgot to stay clenched and dropped a turd on the floor. The funniest thing about it is that her parents were some of the cleanest people in the world, I mean, you could probably eat off their floors, ya know? She swore me to secrecy because she knew that if they ever found out that she’d done such a thing, they would un-adopt her. To this day, when I see her, I get the giggles and she knows exactly why. I am pathetic, I think. Thirty-six and still laugh about poop.
You posted a warning. I had what I thought was a very productive talk with myself and we agreed it would be a bad idea to click. I went and checked out Cafe Society.
Then I came back here and clicked. What is wrong with me?
I’ve made some noteworthy deposits in the porcelain bank, but for sheer novelty, if you eat a bunch of the little donuts with the powdered sugar coating, your poo will be white. Neat!
