VERY TMI, in fact deliberately gross: What's the biggest poop you've ever had?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Last week I was on my way to a customer’s place when my morning coffee kicked in and demanded I poop. this always happens after coffee; it’s like some sort of poopstarting drug for me.

So I went into a Tim Horton’s bathroom and prepared to drop a few kids off at the pool. I unloaded a pretty big log, and then realized a second was on the way, so I pushed that payload out as well.

And then, to my surprise, a THIRD log was peeking, so with not inconsiderable delight, I sent it on its way.

And then, to my shock, a FOURTH log began emerging. I couldn’t believe it; a four-logger? Impossible. It was as if I’d driven to work, gotten out of my car, and eighteen previously unseen clowns jumped out after me.

I turned to look. It was amazing. The crap piled up above the waterline. All perfectly formed logs of considerable width. It was like a giant brown python had taken up residence in there. And not a hint of blood! It took three flushes.

Top THAT.

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My biggest poop is the biggest and longest I’ve ever heard of, and it happened without any provocation one saturday noon some 15 years ago. While squeezing a log I started wondering why I didn’t hear the normal splashes every couple seconds and looked between my legs to find a continuous, reddish-brown python circling into the bowl with the other end still inside me. This went on silently for maybe a minute. In the end the bowl was filled with a single, massive, uninterrupted coil of shit, no water in sight. Sure enough the bowl overflowed after flushing, forcing me to whack the beast into pieces with a stick inbetween furious flushings.

No rational explanation for the app. four-foot excrement. No discomfort, no sudden changes in diet etc. Never again repeated, either.

4

paging Dung Beetle

5

I’m not sure it was the largest in volume, but when I got home from 2 weeks of vacation in Europe (where I ate lots of cheese - Vive La France!), I took a poop that was…painful. I swear to God I thought something was going to break inside of me trying to get it out.

So it was probably the WIDEST poop I’ve ever taken.

6

Another reason why I love the SDMB.

Where, oh where, can you get such descriptive narrative of a normal bodily function.

Not the biggest but the most painful was after a 2 week stay in hospital.

Mini turds shot out like shotgun pellets and ricocheted around the bowl

7

I’ll let you know on November 16.

I have a colonoscopy scheduled for November 17.

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18" or so. And it’s not necessary to give you details. We all shit the same way.

But thank you, Toxylon for that very descriptive experience.

9

I shit you not, my dad’s friends in college back in the '60s once took a dump so big that they made fliers and charged admission to see it.

10

Would that be the one that’s varnished and on display in Chicago’s Field Museum?:wink:

I believe they once thought it was a T.Rex turd

11

Never mind Dung Beetle. paging Randy Marsh

12

A couple of years ago my back went out, so out that I went to the doctor for a look-see. Blah, blah, blah, take this cortisone regimen, get off your ass as soon as possible, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, while this is all happening, my back hurts so much that I am literally never bending at the waist (forwards, backwards, or twisting), contracting my back or abdominal muscles without a damn good reason, and as a result I am barely ambulatory. Under those conditions, your GI tract pretty much grinds to a halt. Your turds just sit there, getting drier and harder (your large intestine absorbs more and more water). Eh, whatever. I can’t twist to wipe my ass anyway.

When I finally get moving again, so does my GI tract. When the fateful day comes whereby I have to take a shit, all hell breaks loose…slowly. Holy Jesus, I thought my eyes were gonna pop out, just like in cartoons. I burst into a hella sweat, try to ease 'er out slowly…then stop. Ponder what to do for a couple minutes. Jesus, that sumbitch is gonna tear something that’ll never heal. Fuck. Well, here goes.

OMG. I swear it felt like I was shitting a bowling trophy. Unimaginable pain. By the time I’m done, I’m shaky and out of breath.

I stagger to my feet and look down. It’s gotta be at least 18" long and (more importantly) as big around as my wrist. One gigantic piece, too.

I reach for the toilet paper and hesitate. Hmmm, maybe I better flush this thing solo, then wipe my ass and flush again. So I do.

That fucking turd went down kicking and screaming. The water in the toilet was within 1" from overflowing when suddenly the toilet emptied out. Must’ve broken in half. That’ll teach it!

Ya ever hear those old people obsessed with staying “regular”, and think, “Jesus, man, get a life”? So did I. Allow me to apologize. Sorry, old people, for ever thinking ill of you. I understand now.

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I’d just like to point out that there’s a whole website devoted to such discussions. Its called ratemypoo.com, and it has photos of the offending poos, so don’t go to the site unless such things don’t bother you. And before you ask, I learned about it from a post someone made here. It is not something I would have searched for on my own. (I tend to follow Leela from Futurama’s philosophy on such things.)

14

Weird. Just weird…

What’s next? rate my piss stream. rate my q-tip. rate my puke. rate my flame (lighter farts).

It would not surprise me if all of these existed though.

15

Then you are in the wrong thread.

16

How many Courics was it? You should send it to the EFSMO in Zurich. (link)

17

I had one of those medical tests where you drink a bucket of white liquid denser than mercury and then get X-rayed while the stuff works its way through your crap-factory. It clogged me up for a couple of days, then all came out in one magnificent turd the shape and color of an elephant tusk. Not only was it huge, it was heavy. I swear I heard it clunk when it hit the bottom of the bowl.

That one stayed below the surface of the water, probably due to its sheer heft. But I’ve had a number of craps where the turd is big enough not only to extend down into the toilet drain (so I couldn’t really be sure just how long the sucker was) but also break the surface of the water. Those tend to create the impressive “helicopter blade” effect as they get flushed. If you’re really lucky, the ends scrape the sides of the bowl and trace out a helix pattern.

A college roommate had a stomach bug and couldn’t eat solid food for a number of days. When he was ready to start eating again, for some reason all he wanted to eat were carrots. He ate nothing but carrots for about four days, then egested a very large turd that closely resembled an actual carrot. Did I see it? I am ashamed to report that I did. “Hey, check this out!”

18

One of my sons, when he was younger, would try to hold it in as long as possible. This would lead to some enormous poops on an adult scale, let alone on a 9 year old boy scale.

3"-3 1/2" diameter. Literally. Go get a measuring tape, I’ll wait. Yes, that big.

It looked like it would have hurt. A lot.

19

Nothing impressive from this one’s sphincter, but I thought I was gonna wet myself laughing at these stories. Bravo!! :slight_smile:

20

As I always say in threads like this, I like to think I have a sophisticated sense of humor. But with jokes like that I groan or I chuckle.

This thread, and those like it(pimples, upchucking, etc.) make me laugh out loud. I actually ache from laughing in this one.