What is the strangest thing you've ever had come out of your ass?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I bought an extra large tub of Thai Salad from Superstore today and have been consuming it all day. At around six o’clock, as I was preparing to leave, I began to process it. Or vent it, rather.

Now this is the single weirdest smell I have ever had leave me. Silent, like a shadow, but with all the impact of a wrecking ball. It had the strange petulance of that smell you experience when you drive past liquid road tar in the summer. But there was more to it than that, there was a mocking minty fresh tinge as well.

It was quite shockingly the most definitively inorganic odor I have ever experienced. (Once I hit the bitter cold they came to resemble a really lusty chili, but I’m still frightened by it’s unnatural connotations.)

At the same time, the only other description that might do it justice implies something inherently alive and emphasizes the tragedy of it’s passing. As I was bending over to do up my shoes, it occurred to me that an equally descriptive passage as the horrors of producing something inorganic would be to say that little beings live in my ass and when they die an incredibly horrible death they want everyone to know. I think I’ll call this fart my Martyr Fart.

The best part of the night was as I was changing my clothing, when I felt a welling of intestinal fury deep inside of me and quickly ran to the bathroom (so as not to soil the walls of my room). Well, I left my foul masterpiece lingering in the bathroom air and casually sauntered out (probably a few pounds heavier since I was no longer quite so bouyant). When I got to my room and I turned around to see – and I’m completely serious – Buckles – oh, the brave little beagle Buckles – barking into the bathroom.

Now first of all, the feat of getting this lazy little bastard off the downstairs couch is a wonder unto itself, but as I was standing there in delighted shock I could not quite tell if he was barking a warning that we should flee the house or if he felt he was keeping something cornered in the bathroom.

He was still very brave, I have to admit. I remember my last dog, Spotty (don’t ask what she did to warrant that name) as a puppy. The first time she farted she whipped her head around and barked sharply at her hienie, just in case it was going to once again try something without her orders.

So, share and share alike. What of your farts so amazing that you had to name them. I remember this one fart I called The Vibrator, so awful I felt like an inmate for a few seconds.

2

Whoa, dude. Nasty, yet compelling. I liked it!

As for me, I was on my way to the beach with my parents, many years ago. Mom and Dad were in the front of the car, and I was sleeping in the back.

I don’t know what I had eaten the night before… I was in college at the time, and it was the begining of winter break, and I was fresh off a raucous night of cheap beer and approbrious party food.

Anyhow, as I slept, my relaxed butt put forth a truly horrible Silent But Deadly. Indeed, it was the funk that woke me.

I started guiltily but kept my counsel, hoping the stink would dissipate quickly.

It did not.

“My God,” my mother gasped. “What is that smell?”

My father sniffed the miasma and snorted, shrugging. “Maybe we passed some open sewage; you know how it is around here.”

“Well,” said Mom, “It sure is horrible, isn’t it? They really ought to do something about that. It can’t be healthy!”

I couldn’t stand it anymore; it was just too funny, and I busted out laughing with all of the joie de stink that only a professional farter has. Both of my folks turned around and glared at me.

“You!” My mother choked. “Young lady, you should be ashamed! Are you sick? What in the name of heaven did you eat?”

Man, that really, truly was the Nastiest Thing That E’re Came Outta My Ass.

3

my pal paulska, what we like to say about him is ‘he has the face of an angel and the asshole of the devil.’

one time back in college, we were semi-passed out on twin couches, in front of a fire, comfortable as all get out.

as i lay there dreamily, i hear this fart begin, a regular ol’ paulie fart. but it didnt stop. it continued rising in both pitch and volume, lasting for at least eight seconds (i know, i know, space and time dilation) until it finished with an astounding two-second flourish. something like this:

faaaaaaaaaaaaa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-RRRRRRRRRRRRRR-FART!

as it finished, paulie lurched up out of sleep, looking around wildly, with a ‘wha-wha-wha happened?’ he scared the shit outta himself, both literally and figuratively.

ah, the memories…

4

Words fail me, but it all started with a large order of Burger King onion rings.

Onion rings still smell like onion rings when they are emitted in gaseous form. Well, sort of like onion rings.

5

I now understand why you call yourself Anal Scurvy, hehe.

6

And on a related note: Things you’ve stuck in your anus on whim

I think that was one of my finest moments on the board.

7

Anal, that was terribly well written. I, too, have experienced odd smells (I have been woken up by SO’s gas-- quel horreur!), not simply ‘bad’, but really intriguing. Some farts smell sort of, well, not natural, like very complicated and indefinable chemicals. I worked at a set of offices once, and there was someone who would use the bathroom mid-morning that would leave a disturbing smell, not disturbing because it was ‘bad’, but disturbing becasue you couldn’t exactly figure out what had caused it. It wasn’t a bathroom smell. It didn’t smell “like” ANYTHING. All sorts of things occur in women’s bathrooms, and this didn’t relate to any of them. Mysterious odor. An odor one of Kafka’s characters would experience. I was certain that someone in the office had some rare disease.
Otherwise, a lot of garlic and pepperoni can put a strain on a marriage.

8

My fiance has a recipe for killer gas that causes me to turn the fan on and blow it across him towards the open window - start with a protein heavy meal (5 or so pounds of chicken wings oughta do it), add a couple of beers, and finish with some nice carbohydrates (a slice of cake or something). This makes a smell that could be used in biological warfare. Speaking of fart stories, I used to have a very mellow cat that I would wrestle with; once, when I had him upside down and was shaking him, I squeezed a fart out of him (right into my own face). You can imagine my surprise.

9

In the winter, sometimes some of my cats like to snuggle with me under the blankets in bed. They crawl down and curl up either next to my belly or behind my knees. Well one time I was in bed reading, and Ding was under the blanket sleeping. I had to fart, and since there was no one around I just did so (normally I’d leave the room if there were other people around)…

So there was this pause…

and then Ding came LEAPING out from under the blanked with that terrified bunny look on her face. Oh man I felt so bad for her. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that she was under there.

You wanna smell a nasty fart, though… my dog has caused a county-wide evacuation on three separate occasions.

10

Funny, some friends and I were just remarking on this phenomenon the other day. Is it the particular type of onions they use, the fact that they mince the onion into molecular-sized bits, the batter coating or some combination? I believe that shortly we are going to be seeing numerous papers in the medical journals on BKORS, or Burger King Onion Ring Syndrome.

11

When a friend and I used to play D&D, we agreed that his ass weapon was far more deadly than a dragon’s breath weapon. I haven’t had anything especially weird come out of my ass, but my dad had a tapeworm once. He said he could feel it sliding around in there.

12

I had a most peculiar farting experience a couple of days ago. Without any intestinal forewarning, an extremely loud fart erupted from my arse - causing my butt cheeks to slap together with enough force that I actually felt pain. It was somewhat like being spanked.

13

I’ve had tapeworms too, as a child - once I reached down to wipe and encountered an inch or two of worm dangling from the old shithole…

Sorry, was this the TMI thread?

::leaves::

14

Bwahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

My worst had to be when I returned to the US after living in Taiwan the first time in 1983. I had it bad on the plane, and for about 15 hours fumigated the economy section of Northworst. I tried walking around, letting out a SBD, but it would just trail me the entire length of economy class. That was truely nasty stuff and it really lasted for the whole flight. I was also drinking beer heavily and had been without sleep after partying the entire week before my departure. The best part is that owing to the special nature of my flatuence, they were silent,would expand within a say 20 foot radius, and *then[i/] start to reek. fellow passengers knew something had died, but couldn’t pinpoint the exact locus of infection.

15

My farts do not stink. But for some reason my husband refuses to believe that.

He has also forbidden me to have BBQ, beans, boiled eggs, potato salad, and cucumbers on the same day ever again. Unless I plan to spend the night on the balcony. I don’t understand why.

16

Strangest thing to ever come out of my arse?

Lite-Brite pegs.

I swallowed three white pegs when I was about four years old; I had been holding a few of them between my lips whilst completing a very complex “POOP” sign to light up the window in my room (which faced, of course, a somewhat busy street), when my mother walked by and said something. Her presence scared me, so I gasped, and swallowed the pegs.

After a diet of bread and water for 72 hours I finally POOPed them out. Trust me, those babies are not comfortable travelling through your rectum.

And my POOP sign experiments came to an end - I was no longer allowed to play with the Lite-Brite without parental supervision, and my parents were not keen on me spelling POOP. I also learned not to hold lights in my mouth, and of course the ones I crapped out were thrown out. :slight_smile:

17

I’m not gonna read this thread, but I once read a book or article of some folks who went to a “spa” to get “cleaned out” and be truly healthy and empty.
The lady writes about all kinds of odd things she never knew were up there.
She’s quite descriptive.
It was not fun reading.

18

As a regular Guinness drinker, I am a leading producer of methane monsters. However, vulcanologically speaking, they are usually only the gaseous precursors to the breaching of the crusty cone and subsequent pyroclastic flow. Think of a flock of starlings flying out of your arse.

19

I’ll never look at a volcano the same way again.

20

For the love of God, why didn’t you flush them?