Post a tale of your worst one here (TMI?)

In My Humble Opinion
1

It was about eight months ago, when I was in tech school in Mississippi. We had just gotten back from lunch, and I felt a little trouble brewing. It didn’t seem like much, so when a fellow airman burped, I thought I could safely release and any odors would be attributed to his belch.

So I let go. 'Twas only a small one. A test fart.

Apparently, I had been brewing some mustard gas in my colon.

It had the odor of rotten eggs, with just a slight nuance of burning tire. It had the tenacity of a barnacle, even though we were in a hallway with a duct blowing air from the ceiling. My classmates were quite unconvinced that it was the other guy’s burp.

Such was the power of this fart that, at least a full three minutes after its release, two civilian contractors who had to get into the room across the hall from us were hammering on the door to be let in.

Finally, I admitted to be the one who, apparently, had violated the Law Of Armed Conflict with his anus. Even a couple of minutes later, when the instructor came to let us in, the air quality in the hallway was about at yellow.

2

I can’t claim responsibility for it but the worst i’ve ever dealt with was in collage. A couple of friends and i had spent a good weekend at octoberfest, followed by wings, beer, jerky and the game. What was released from friend J’s backside was inhuman. Not only did it apparently burn, he hopped up and down for several moments while we waited for the windows to stop shaking. Then the Windows FOGGED. This fart was so utterly noxious J went and changed his Pants. J normally only did this once a week. It lingered on and on, and the poor bean bag chair surely was traumitized beyond all hope. We have henceforth refered to this as the “the paint-peeler”.

3

My wife and I were in line at a grocery store when I cut one that smelled like propane. I turned to my wife and said “Fresh bread, I smell fresh bread”. An older woman in front of me turned and started to take a deep breath. She stopped midbreath and a sudden Oh my God look came over her face. Then a taller guy standing behind my wife started laughing hysterically. He waved his hand in front of his face a couple of times then says “fresh bread, I love it”. The old lady scowls at him and says “Well I never” and before she could turn away he says “I’ll bet you have”. It turned out the tall guy was her son. After my wife and I paid for our groceries I heard her tell him that he better go wipe, the fart he let smelled pretty bad.

4

This wasn’t my own, but it was certainly memorable. We were in band practice and the guy 2 persons to my left cut one that sent the rest of the trombone section gasping for clean air. Of course, we were playing at this time so it wasn’t like our first sniff was a cautious one, but a quick gulp for air.

It was terrible.

5

A couple years ago, I was getting over some sort of “illness” that left me with a bout of gas to be reckoned with.

It was a guys weekend away and I was in the back of the van just blowing my ass out.

What was unique was that these babies were LOUD and PROUD and smelled like death itself. And then, just when you thought if couldn’t get any better, they were coming one right after the next.

Of course, the guys in the front had to do the window-down air-out in the dead of winter.

I sort of miss that. I wonder what I can do to get that “illness” again so that I can go on that sort of bombing mission?

6

One night, I kept going out on our balcony to see where the dead skunk funk was coming from. I later learned it was from my SO!

7

Not mine…but the single worst fart I have ever experienced was in Las Vegas. A group of us were in town for a home-brewing contest. We had spent the day judging various homebrews, then had eaten a large dinner of brats. Standing in front of Main Street Station, on a windy night. Dennis lets fly with a noxious cloud that clears the intersection! No, you don’t understand. He clears the intersection of people. People across the street flee in disgust! On a windy night! There are no farts like ones that have brewed up because yeast has gone to work on undigested sugars in your colon. Ask any homebrewer.

My worst…came about when I was restricted to a diet of beans and chopped pork due to a dental condition. I needed things I could just wolf down without chewing. After several dinners washed down with beer, I could peel paint. And they lingered…!

8

Ah, fart stories… second only to the TMI zit thread for sheer enjoyment as far as I’m concerned.

The worst fart for which I’ve ever personally been responsible was a direct result of cheap garlic supplement tablets. I was taking about 12 a day to ward off an incipient sinus infection, and I cannot express just how incredibly disgusting the smell that emanated from my nether regions was. It literally brought tears to my eyes. Thank god I was home alone. I wouldn’t leave the house until the situation had normalized.

9

I was at the grocery store late at night and figured it was safe to let fly, since I was alone in the aisle. My butt made a loud, machinegun-like sound, which was surprising to me, and then I shat myself. :eek:

I have never done this before or since. Usually one can tell beforehand if “that feeling” is going to be wind or poo when it comes out. I had to walk carefully to the restroom and throw away my underpants.

Terribly embarassing.

10

Ok, the worst I can remember - or want to, for that matter. Anything worse has probably been blocked from memory.

College. My next-door neighbors in the dorm. They ingested and imbibed the most amazing combination of mexican food and alcohol, then returned to the dorm. Then, it began. Both of them, releasing some of the most noxious fumes I’ve ever dealt with. Any one individual release would have been eye-wateringly bad. But it was worse. This continued, one or both releasing something every 60 seconds or so, for the next fourteen hours. About 10 hours in, they tried opening their window, but that just made it cold. Then they goofed, and opened the door. Within moments, the entire hall was filled with unsafe air.

We were just happy the next day, when we could safely walk out into the hallway.

11

One night, I went to bed perfectly healthy, or so I thought. I woke up a few hours later, and ran straight for the toilet. Once I had taken care of business, I thought everything would be fine. Nope, half an hour later I was back, and again about 20 minutes after that. After the third or fourth round, I crawled back to bed (because I could no longer walk) and begged my boyfriend of only a few months to take me to the hospital.

This was the boyfriend who had phobias about poop, and things were coming out of my ass that were sort of like distilled fermented rotted poop nerve gas bombs - into his car.

He stayed at the ER while I was there, but he wouldn’t stay in the room with me. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t have stayed in the room with me either if I had had any choice, or any control. There was a very nice nurse, of the battle-axe variety, who never flinched. Bless her heart. She took one look at me and said, “My, doesn’t she look green.”

I don’t know what gut-rotting bug caused the most vile gas bombs (etc) to emerge from my ass, but I hope no one else ever gets it. That shit can kill.

The boyfriend forgave me, and later married me. But it did take a while for him to propose - I never connected those dots before …

12

One time, whilst taking a test in algebra (I think I was 12 or 13,) I felt the need to let one go. It felt small at the time, and I assumed it would be safe and fairly scentless. It would be too much hassle to walk to the toilets, as my teacher had a history of making his tests far too long for the class period. Anyway, I opened my buttocks. It was not small. It was a jet aircraft. It was also not gaseous matter, either. Luckily, I went to the teacher and quietly asked him if was allowed to go to the bathroom and throw out my undies, and to take the test at a later date. He concurred. Unfortunately, my teacher actually told everyone the state of my posterior. I was laughingstock for about 3 weeks.

Uhh…

13

The worst i have seen is a revenge farting incident.

The guitarist (beardman) in an old band had a really funny habit of walking over to the drummer (Big J) during a gig, turning his back to him and farting fair in his face.

That wasn’t the bad part

The drummers revenge came one night when we were practicing, Beardman went to get some beers from the fridge, Big J jumped up with a lecherous smile on his face and proudly announced that he was going to fart into one of the vents on Beardman’s Marshal cabinet, dropped his pants, sat on the vent and waited for Beardman to return, as he came into the shed with an armload of beer Big J squeezed…and started to laugh as he sent a stream of noxious gas into the vent with a slight rumbling sound.

But the sound got wet
and Big J stopped laughing
and all expression left his face
and the smell hit

Fresh, green ass juice smell

Big J just shat diorrhea into Beardmans amp.

Silence…followed by hysterical laughter from myself and the singer

when Big J got up there was…i need not explain further, use your imagination.

A fight ensued, a nose was broken, pride was damaged, Big J cleaned up his own excrement and the band survived to reach dizzying heights of stardom. Hang on, no we didn’t.

14

I have been told my ass and my work shoes should be labeled and licensed as deadly biological weapons of mass destruction.

Anyhow, the wost one I ever let, was after a night of binging on homemade mexican food, and copius amounts of beer. After several hours of fermenting inside my abdomen me and the Ex head downstairs to read and wind down for the night.

Now I have a German shepard, who like most dogs, revels in smelly, nasty disgusting stuff. I mean, the dog thinks the cat litter boxes are self refilling snack dispensers (that’s another thread…) and many other things that any creature with a working olfactory system would avoid like the plague.

Well, we’re laying on the bed, and the dog is laying in the bed between us with her head laying on my ass (I was on my stomach reading.) When I look over at my ex and give my patented “pull my finger smile” and let one rip.

All the sudden the dog wakes up, lifts up her head and sniffs my ass. She the proceeds to whine, stand up and jump off the bed and run out of the room.

Me and the ex just start laughing, and I say, “Oh, come on, it wasn’t THAT bad!” and then about 1 second later the stench finally hit us.

We ended upsatirs for about an hour, and when we DID go back down, you could still smell the remnants of that monstrosity.

Moral: If it’s bad enough to make a dog whine and run, then hold your breath and run like hell.

15

It might not have been the worst, but it’s the most memorable…

My son was still pretty little–around two years old. We were over at my mother’s house (“Bama’s” house in two-year-old speak) sitting on the couch and watching a video on TV. I was on one end of the couch, my son was in the middle, and my mother was on the opposite end. I thought I could sneak one off figuring the filtering factor of the couch cushions would mitigate any excessive funkiness.

Heh. Nope.

Just then, my son looks up, and in wide-eyed innocence, turns to my mother and says, “Bama fart?”

She got so flustered when I started laughing and pointing at her.

16

Oh god. There are none that I’m personally responsible for, but I do have a friend named Adam. Oh, Adam. The first two stories are from before I joined the group, but I’ve heard them told exactly the same by everyone who was there that I tend to believe them. Even if not, they’re still horrid.

Ahem. One night, a bunch of my guy friends were hanging out at my friend Rob’s house. This is when we were all still in High School.

Adam is a gassy fellow, and that night he was apparently even more gassy than usual. Well, what happens when you get a bunch of guys together, one of whom is gassy?

That’s right, he decided to light one up.

As the story goes, he proceeds to drop trow, get the lighter ready, and let loose. However, the gas was accompanied by somewhat liquid shit. Thus, he shat all over his hand/lighter/the floor. No flame to be had.

Oh, but it gets better.

Adam, shocked by the fact that he just shat on his own hand, brings up his hand to look at it.

And then proceeds to try to shake it off his hand.

The result of him flicking his wirst is poo in an arc on the walls, TV, entertainment center, and the DOG.

Same group of guys, in a truck this time. Adam and two other guys are in the bed of the truck, going about 70mph down the highway. Adam, being the gassy lad that he is, lets one rip. You’d think that it’d go away quickly, given their speed and that he’s in the back of the truck.

Apparently not.

It was so bad that it somehow got inside the cab of the truck, and the driver had to pull over so everyone could evacuate. Took about ten minutes until the air was breatheable again.

Not a gross story, but a funny one.

I went camping with Adam, The Cody, and our friend Jimmy. Being that I’m with three guys, the dinners tend to be beans drunk out of cups (aside from me, who had things like cans of beef stew). “Dude, you don’t drink your food!” Anyway.

After a steady diet of beans, Adam was as fragrant as ever. We gave him his own tent, since lord knows none of us wanted to sleep with him.

This night, he goes to bed earlier than the rest of us. We sit around, poking the fire and telling dirty jokes - y’know, camping. About 10 minutes after he goes into his tent, he runs out, gasping for air. “Damn, y’all. That was sweak.” (sweak=sweet+weak. So bad it’s good. A word he made up.) After laughing and being all proud of his nastiness, he goes back to his tent. The rest of us decide that now is a good time for bed, too.

Well, we’re not very good at actually going to sleep, and we end up yelling back and forth at each other (good thing the campground was deserted in our area). Suddenly, we all hear one rip from Adam’s tent. All falls quiet as we wait for the status report.

“So, do you need to evacuate your tent again, Adam?”

“No . . . But it felt raunchy.” He sounded so very disapointed, like he was expecting to call in HAZMAT, but all he got was one that was all sound, no smell. I’ve never heard anyone sound that let-down from a lack of stench in my life. I guess he took pride in his rankness.

Ah, Adam. I miss the bastard. Last I knew, he was a meth-head.

17

Omigod, I have a great story for this thread:

When I was in high school, a bunch of us buddies went up to my friend Brad’s family’s cabin by the river - typically junior/senior debauchery. So while the 5 of us are hanging out in the cabin, one of the guys, Dan, starts to fart. Greasy, smelly egg farts. And he was so pleased with himself - he would run over close to somebody and wiggle his ass, trying to get the fart all over the cabin. The rest of us just threw stuff at him and tried to keep him away from us.

The next morning, we were all in sleeping bags in the main room of the cabin. Each of us started to wake up and were just lying in our bags making eye contact but not talking. That’s when we realized that the only person not up was Dan. He was in a sleeping bag on the floor at the foot of the sofa - Brad was in a sleeping bag on the sofa. Vveeerrrryyy sllllooowwwly, Brad worked his way out of the sleeping bag, and lowered his underwear, then hung his ass over the edge of the sofa, right over Dan’s face. Once in position, he barked “Dan! Get up!!” Dan bolted up out of his bag, his face getting buried in Brad’s ass right when Brad cuts loose with a huge, noisy, smelly fart - we could actually hear the tone of the fart change as Dan’s face made contact. The look on his face of surprise and disgust was priceless.

We laughed so hard everybody practically bruised their ribs. A solid hour went by before a normal conversation that didn’t involve tears of laughter and clutched sides was possible. I still can’t even type this story up without bursting out laughing.