Anal Scurvy and Creaky, I was asked twice to leave the room while reading your posts. I couldn’t stop laughing. P.s. I’m in class.
And the strangest thing I’ve ever had come out of my ass was a Lego man head. I never even bothered to ask myself about it. I just had to accept it since I know i’m not a lego cannibal.
tee hee hee
Ah yes those were good times. Thanks for the reminder. But I must say I remain just a bit skeptical about a few of those items. 263 killer bees? I believe the world record on that is only 246 and that was by a professional–perhaps you’d like to give a repeat demonstration?
Ham-n-Beans and beer do me in every time. Not a good combination. I made myself leave the room once because the smell was so horrible.
Heh - when SpoonerDog was SpoonerPup & still sleeping in her crate at night… we had tacos for dinner & she got some leftovers.
About 2 am we hear her barking wildly & go see what’s going on. She is in the very front of the crate, barking at the back of it. There was an aroma in the air - we figure she was barking at her farts.
The phrase “barking at your farts” has passed into family vernacular for “false alarm”…
#1 Me - Not monumental, just memorable
So, it’s morning, I’m all dressed and heading out the door to go to work. Just as the door locks shut behind me I realize I left the keys inside. I’m locked out! So, I’m standing next to the car cursing when I feel a little rumble in the plumbing, nothing big, just a little percolation. Well, let’s just squeeze that baby out, nothing I haven’t done a million times before. “beeeeep” Hello, what’s this? A stowaway?! A pants present?! A BISCUIT??!! So, now I’m standing next to my car, locked out of my house, WITH A BON BON IN MY KNICKERS! :eek:
#2 Not me
One sunny Saturday afternoon in the dorm room an odor began to slowly make its presence known. It was ancient and mysterious odor, suggesting horrifying things in dark gothic places. The odor grew and did not go away. We became alarmed, had a tanker derailed on the way to the nearby chemical plant? Should we be donning gas masks? I could feel my eyes watering and my throat closing. So we ran out into the hall, the odor was even stronger there. As we stood there, others on the floor began to come out of their rooms. The poisonous cloud was making its way down the hallway. In short order, the entire population of the floor was emptied into the hall. Except for one room. One door remained closed, the door directly across the hall from my room. So, a cadre of brave souls slowly approached the door. The sinister fog was definitely strongest there. Desperate, we knocked. Slowly the door creaked open and…and…and…
Anywho, this dude must have been saving this one up for the whole term. We were about ready to call the fire department hazmat team. We opened all the windows on the floor and lit matches, it took about half an hour to clear out. This all happened in 1978 and I can still remember the smell.
Well, when I was little I swallowed a couple tiddly-winks. For the less informed tiddly-winks (I think that’s what they’re called) are part of a little game that I loved when I was young. A tiddly-wink is a small, flat, plastic disk (about quarter-sized, IIRC).
Yeah, so we flushed it.
China Guy and SlickUSA…
Thanks, guys! Glad you enjoyed my tale of Methane Madness. Just goes to show ya: farts are funny! I am seriously loving this thread.
(And, Slick, your experience with the apparently spontaneously-generated colonic Lego is totally hilarious. I think it was the word “Lego” that ultimately sent me over the edge…)
Blood. Eww.
…green poop.
No, really.
I can attest to the fact that St. Patrick’s Day green beer goes in and out the same color!
Oh, what a night! 
Some of the crap I said in yesterday’s seminar.
I swear, I pulled most of that crud out of my ass.
The funny thing is, nobody seems to have called me on it.
I only clicked on this link to see the post that said “that three hundred pound non-gender specific trucker from Arkansas”. Where is it?
My husband has strictly forbidden me to EVER eat Black Bean soup from TGIF again. It is SO good- slightly hot, just delicious.
Oh. My . God. Eye tearing, laugh inducing, shit smelling, citizens divorce time farts. He was so upset at me for stinking up the place and I just could not stop farting. I have seriously been forbidden from consuming it ever again when he is in town. I believe he has to be at least 2 states away.
Mmmmmmmm…I’ve got a craving!
Zette
Well, SlickUSA, I was four at the time. I wasn’t particularly keen on inspecting my poop to see if there were lite-brite lights in it. It was my poor, poor mother’s awful, horrible job to check my emissions for the presence of the lights - that way if a certain time span passed and they did not emerge, she knew to take me to the doctor again for more serious procedures. I had to go in the kiddie toilet for all this.
I guess she just threw them away after flushing the poopie, or something, don’t ask me about her logic.
Well, just tonight an unbelievably big and hard turd left my ass, probably about 9"x3.5". I think it’s the biggest in diameter I have ever produced. It blocked up the toilet, and it was one of those modern self-flushing high-water-pressure ones.
I also had mucus come out of my ass a couple of times. That was weird.
Oh yeah, I ate some poisonous mushrooms once that gave me incredibly bad diarrhea. I kept spraying and spraying and eventually all I was producing was slightly cloudy water, looked like someone took a gallon of water and added a half-cup of milk to it.
POOP FART POOP
Blood, yeah…ewwww.
Green poop, yes after a LOT of blue cool-aid.
The side ways coming out turds sure can suck too.
Anyway, back in my blue collar days I was doing some demo in an occupied office building. We would get there before the office workers would leave. So we just sat around waiting. We were sitting there BSing just like at the construction site we all worked at during the day. I forget where I was and let one rip. It was pretty loud, 7.5 on a 1-10 scale. All these chicks in suits look at us. We leave to go smoke. COME BACK 15 MINUTES LATER AND ITS STILL THERE (the smell). We smoked again.
dead0man
Not mine but my roommates dog actually shit multicolored turds once. Ate a full package of party balloons and was crapping rainbows for 3 days.
Roommate said he should feed him more cause it was easier to find where he dropped the little landmines.
Surprisingly, I’d nothing to add until Badtz jogged my memory.
I used to go to summer camp for a month as a kid. They fed us well but we also got tons of exercise. So I’d usually crap about once a week. No shit.
Butt one time in particular I launched the most incredible sea pickle you’ve ever seen. I was about ten, was in one of the camp shitters and started giving birth to a turd with no end. I kid you not I crapped for about 3 minutes strait. I then stood up to admire my handiwork.
What lay before me was unbelivable. The toilet looked like one of those Indian baskets with a big cobra wrapped inside. I turned to my stallmate next door and exclaimed “My god, I just took a shit that’s two feet long!”
He turns to the guys in the showers and says “Hey, this guy just took a shit that’s two feet long!” One of them quickly exits and runs into a counseler. The counselor says “Hey Jimmy, how ya doin’?” and the kid goes* “Not so well Mr. Munson. There’s a kid in there that just took a shit that’s two feet long!”* So Mr. Munson comes in, lookes at the serpent and goes"Damn kid, that shit’s over two feet long!"
Yeah, no kidding.
Of course, I was going to contribute nothing to this thread but a Maraget Dumont-like look of utter horror.
Till I read that last post by Lieu and now—dammit—I am going spend the rest of the evening humming "I’ve been through the desert on a turd with no end . . . " to myself.
Thanks, Lieu. Thanks a lot.
Maraget Dumont humming America… priceless.
I can’t believe I’m posting in this thread.
As some of you may know, I spent most of the 90s living in South Korea. I eschewed Western food except for breakfast cereals and the occasional visit to the Popeye’s next to Chongno Bookstore, right by Chongno 3-ga Subway Station (Orange Line). One time, some fellow teachers and I went out for bulgogi. At Korean restaurants, the main dish is served with half-a-dozen or more side dishes. On this occasion, the side dishes leaned heavily to the twig and leaf kind–sesame leaves marinated in soy sauce, fern bracken, sliced leeks, and so on.
The next morning, I got on the hopper for my morning defecation. I defintely had the need to go, but strain as I might, nothing would come out. I reached behind and pulled undigested twigs and leaves out of my ass!. The dinner before had been so fiber-intensive that stool couldn’t form, just a bunch of loose plant matter lightly covered in shit that I had to pull out.