Take Your Stupid Pills! - The Sequel

The BBQ Pit
1

I was going to do my usual detailed rant, but decided to try things a little differently this time. However, as background I do feel a need to mention the Annual Pilgrimage of Religious Stupidity inflicted on my town every year, when several hundred people seek religious experience and a closer relationship to Jesus by tying up traffic wherever they go for 3 or 4 hours at a time, littering the front lawns of all the houses they pass, trampling flower beds, and so forth. They are, however, a step above drunken bar patrons in that they don’t practice public urination.

Rules and Pointers for Hanging Out Around a Small Airport, for Your Safety and Continued Existance:

  1. See the fence around the airport? It’s an ugly motherfucker, isn’t it? All big heavy posts and steel wire, with those oh so unattractive NO TRESPASSING signs on it. It’s ugly so you’ll notice it you fucking moron, and it serves a greater purpose than merely annoying you.

  2. No one minds you watching the airplanes take off and land, but please do it from the other side of the fence

  3. Let me explain this in more detail. The slowest airplane at our field lands at 60 mph. Stepping onto a runway is EXACTLY like wandering out onto an interstate freeway. It’s fucking dangerous. That’s why there’s a fence around it you asshole.

  4. Let me also add that, in addition to the joys of being runover by a vehicle outweighing you by a factor of 15 or more, moving at 60-100 mph, airplanes cause Extra Bonus Damage because of the whirling metal blade mounted on their front ends cranking at a thousand or more rpm’s. What they do is awesome. It can generate a lot of “aw’s”. As in “Aaawwwwrphf! Awwwwghahagh! Awwwwg!” That is the sound of my most recent meal leaving my body in high speed reverse peristalsis due to the scene of mass carnage in front of me. The last time someone nailed a deer on take-off we have venison bits sprayed for a quarter mile in all directions. It’s fucking gross. Yes, I know you couldn’t see it - trust me, it’s there. Props are most dangerous when they’re moving (they’re dangerous when they’re not - one of my friends had to have his nose sewn back on after walking into a prop that wasn’t moving, they’re always a hazard) and you can’t see 'em. Always assume the front end of an airplane wants to kill you and stay the hell away from it.

  5. If you STILL feel compelled by some idiotic impulse to climb over the fucking fence, past the big ass NO TRESPASSSING signs, and approach the runway stay away from the fucking airplanes. Yes, we sometimes “park” at the end of the runway before take off. This is NOT an invitation for you to approach, we are actually doing something important in the cockpit called the “pre-take off checklist”

  6. If you MUST approach the airplane sitting on the end of the runway despite all of the above, stay away from the goddamned front end of the airplane!!!. Always, always, ALWAYS approach an airplane from the rear. Why? Because, first and foremost, it keeps you away from the Whirling Blades of Death on the front end. Also, small airplanes have no “reverse”. It is much harder to get run over when you’re behind something that can’t back up.

  7. When the guy in the right seat leans out the door to talk to you, it’s not really an invitation to start a three hour conversation. What we’re doing is exploiting Moron Behavior to get you away from the Whirling Blades of Death, because even a moron, when he can’t hear what you’re saying, will try to move closer to you and in order to do that in this situation you have to come around to the back of the airplane, behind the wing, putting two feet of metal and about four feet of distance between you and the meat slicer up front. We don’t really want to hear you natter on about why you’re out here.

  8. Yes, this particular airplane really does cost $120 an hour. In other words, this conversation with an asshole who clearly rode the “special bus” during his school years is costing me $2 a minute. Pardon me, but this may account for some of the crankiness I exhibit.

  9. I’m so glad your interests in aviation extend to inquiring about lessons (Hoo boy… :rolleyes: Yeah, I want to share airspace with THIS Darwin Award wannabe…) If you want to know about lessons, ask at the fucking front office. As a special bonus, you won’t have to shout over the airplane engine roaring in your ear. It will cut down significantly on the number of times you have to scream “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU?” Of course you can’t hear me you fucking moron - you’re standing next to a running airplane. Yes, it’s fucking loud - even at idle. Go somewhere quieter - PLEASE.

  10. Here’s another tip: the person on the left is traditionally the pilot in command. What you lovable ground pounders call “the captain”. Comments such as “Boy, she’s tiny!” are crass. Looking at my co-pilot and saying “Do you take your girlfriend for a ride often?” rates a punch in the face. I restrained myself largely because I didn’t want to accidently hit my co-pilot while inflicting violence upon you. Him, I like.

  11. When the co-pilot corrects your false impressions of the chain of command please do not open your mouth and defecate a conversational turd like “No --! Really? She can fly airplanes?” Yes, you jackass. It even says so on my fucking t-shirt. Yes, I really DO have a t-shirt saying “I’m a pilot”, and morons are one of the reasons I wear it often.

  12. My co-pilot is talking to you because the only way you could hear me over the engine is if I sat in his lap to get closer to you (as if I would want to get closer to you). Although sitting in the lap of a fairly good-looking guy has its attractions this would leave no one minding the airplane. Unlike you, I am not an idiot and not prone to doing stupid, unsafe shit. Therefore, I am minding my machine over here and my co-pilot has been delegated to public relations.

  13. No, just because he’s an instructor doesn’t mean he’s automatically in charge. First of all, instructors sometimes fly for fun and enjoyment, too. Secondly, if he is working as an instructor that means, in addition to paying for the airplane, I’m paying for his time, too. In other words, this conversation is costing me $2.50 a minute. Hell, there are phone sex lines that don’t cost that much a minute, and a major difference is that the conversation is of some interest on the phone sex line.

  14. Shut the fuck up and get away from the airplane.

  15. When you FINALLY go away and we shut the door do NOT, please, please do NOT ask your girlfriend - who is every bit as fucking stupid as you - to run up to the side of the airplane, lean on the wing, and pose for a picture. That picture posing is costing me $2 a minute. Meanwhile, if I hadn’t been paying attention the plane would have started moving and your girlfriend would have been whacked by the tail of the thing. The tail is metal. If it hits you, it will hurt. It will also ruin her pose, her day, and the picture.

  16. Finally, while I am completely fucking happy for you that you’ve been saved and are going to Jesus, please do not use the propellor or any other part of my airplane to speed the day of your arrival. Your “religious pilgrimmage” does NOT give you the right to trespass on private property, endanger yourself or others, or otherwise act like a totally stupid jackass.

P.S. - Yes, the situation was dealt with. I do want to say that MOST of the couple hundred religious hikers did behave. Trespassing on airport property is a felony, specifically a Federal offense. The Feds, being somewhat jumpy about airport security these days, would love to make an example of a couple tourists breaching security. You Are Warned.

2

I’d be more than happy to let you toss me out of your perfectly good airplane at altitude for asking stupid questions. :smiley:

3

Ah, but Skybum you are an intelligent human being and can be trusted to operate gravity properly.

This pair of yahoos would probably fall sideways.

By the way - the rest of the flight went quite well. Just thought I’d throw that in.

4

I always assume that EVERY part of an airplane wants to kill me, and I try to stay as far away from them as possible. As far as I’m concerned, the only reason that I’ll fly is so that I’ll have motion sickness for a shorter period of time.

Lynn
motion sick on planes, trains, and automobiles.

5

We have a famous golfer down here named Jack Newton. I’m real sure he finished 2nd place in both the British Open and the US Masters. He was an awesome talent in the late 70’s, early 80’s - but alas, he liked to drink.

One night, in 1982 at Sydney Airport, he was so drunk he walked in front of a piston prop airplane on the tarmac supposedly to go to some big tournament. The prop sliced him up real bad… lost his right eye and his right arm… and he was right handed too.

Apparently, if he walks into a crowded room these days and sees a ceiling fan? Gets real nervous… real nervous.

6

People really did all those things in the OP? :eek: I mean, I believe you, but I’m having a hard time believing it, if you know what I mean. Crimeny crumbcake.

7

Broomstick, are you suggesting that there might be some sort of danger at the front of the airplane? Because I’m not quite clear on that.

8

must…breathe…can’t…stop…laughing

coworkers are …becoming …suspicious

9

Why didn’t you just call security and tell them some strange people, actiung very oddly, had crossed the fence and were harrassing you?

10

My gut reaction would have been to allow them to eliminate themselves from the gene pool. Except for the fact that there was a perfectly good prop at stake. Of course if I had a spare…

By the way, your post was an excellent read. Bravo!

11

Wait, girls can fly airplanes now?

12

No, I’m sure she’s not. I mean…if you walk in front of the plane, the pilot can see you, right? It’s just like crossing the interstate on foot - perfectly safe as long as you’re in front of the cars. :wink:

13

As a long time flight fan and wanna-be pilot, you have my sympathies. I plan on taking lesson one next month at North East Philadelphia Airport, can’t wait. Oh, and I have every intention of entering through the front doors rather than climbing the fence. :slight_smile:

14

Too bad you don’t fly off an Air Force Base. “Warning: Government Property…No Tresspassing…Use of DEADLY FORCE Authorized…” I remember right after Sept 11, a bunch of Greenpeace bastards tried to jump the fence at my base (Shaw AFB) and were met with non-deadly force (eg, shotguns with beanbag rounds.) I wouldn’t have minded seeing the real thing in action (but then again, the liability issue…oh wait, they were warned!)

15

I see he got off lucky (sort of) - most people do not survive close encounters with props.

It’s also yet another illustration of how alcohol and aviation are a bad mix.

Do not read any of the spoilers if you are eating, drinking, or have a delicate stomach:

The most recent prop encounter in our area resulted in the family of the victim burying a pair of feet and legs up to the mid-thigh. The rest of the body had been essentially liquified and dispersed across the ramp and taxiway area. The lineboy had turned and walked into business end of a turboprop. This is what we call a Very Bad Thing.

Yes, I know what you mean. I was slightly dumbfounded myself, but after 8 years in the flying game I am no longer surprised by how completely ignorant and stupid people can be around aircraft.

The biggest problem is that these people were too stupid to be afraid of big piece of machinery with dangerous protrusions making horrendous noise and capable of moving very very fast. Your typical six year old would burst into tears if I fired the thing up within 50 feet of him (or her). It’s a constant worry around airports - that some numbskull won’t have the sense of your average raccoon to be scared of the Big Bad Noisy Thing and get the hell out of the way. Generally, they fall into two categories:

  1. Big, dumb, and macho - Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, I’m a man and I’m not scared of nuthin! Here, let me prove it by doing something completely stupid, against the rules, and possibly lethal…

  2. Just enough brain cells to make their eyeballs work - and not one extra. What these two poster children for birth control were. Too fucking dumb. They had no fear of the machinery at all. They reminded me of a classmate I had in woodshop once - very fastidous sort. Got concerned about the sawdust piling up near the blade of the table saw and brushed it away. With her bare hand. I mean come on - it’s got steel teeth! Whirling very fast! DUH!

She was lucky - they were able to sew most of her hand back together and she has a somewhat functional mitt on the end of her arm. Just a glancing blow. We never did get all the blood off the table or the floor underneath it. Icky-poo

That’s a very sensible question so I will provide a sensible answer, minus the usual swearing.

I was at the end of runway 08. That’s about a mile and a half from the office. It’s also about a mile and a half from the sheriff’s office based on the field (for their helicoptor). Distance = time. It’s going to take time for security to get there.

Meanwhile, doofus is literally 3-4 steps away from stepping into an invisible blender. He can cover that distance a lot faster than Officier Friendly can get out to us. Also, I don’t want to startle the man because startled people sometimes run off in random directions - and right now right in front of him would be an extremely unhealthy direction to run.

In other words, I can’t wait for the security guys to show up - I have to head this problem off at the pass right NOW. Since he’s in front of the wing I can’t move the airplane without hitting him so I have exactly two choices - shut down the engine, or get him to move out of danger. Problem is, airplane engines do not shut down instantly. I mean, if you turn your car key to “off” your car stops. But the prop is, as I said, a swinging hunk of metal, it has momentum. Even with the engine off it still swings until it winds down, and it can still maim and kill.

That’s why I told my fellow pilot - who of course was also aware of the potential hazards - to talk to the man, to get him to come around to a safer spot. If the wandering pilgrim had not moved as he did I would have killed the engine but, to be honest, I’m not at all sure that prop would have stopped before he walked into it. Not to mention that, coming at it from the side, the darn thing is hard to see even when it isn’t moving and he could still cut himself or impale himself on it if he was moving fast enough (that’s how my other friend with the stitching going up the side of his nose got hurt - he literally turned around and walked into a stopped prop. And it sliced his nose about 3/4’s off his face).

You see, as the pilot in command, the captain of the ship, I am both legally and morally responsible for what happens with that airplane. Even thought this guy was trespassing and behaving stupidly I could still be held accountable for his injuries or death, I would certainly be responsible for any damages to the airplane (and the prop probably would be destroyed, along with major engine damage and a bent crankshaft), and his family would probably sue me. My license would be pulled immediately pending an investigation by the NTSB, it would go on my permanent record regardless of outcome, and if the NTSB found me to be at fault I could be facing criminal charges.

Not to mention I really don’t want to see a human being turned into extra-chunky tomato surprise again. Trust me, you’ll never look at spaghetti sauce the same way again. But I digress… (That was a train accident, by the way.)

But, fortunately, the wandering pilgrim reacted as I hoped and the Very Bad Thing never happened.

Also, to be honest, I don’t enjoy playing the ogre. Pilots have been having enough public relations problems for the past couple years (if not decades). Clearly, this guy is acting dangerously through ignorance - having me come screaming out of a cockpit with my hair on end wailing like a harpy and swearing like a Marine was not going to endear him to the aviation community, however therapeutic it would have been for me. I don’t mind people watching or enjoying airplanes, I just want them to do it SAFELY.

So, here’s a real tip for you folks - if you go to an airport (of any size) do NOT go past a sign that says “no unauthorized persons beyond this point”. There may be dangers you are not aware of and/or can’t see lurking just beyond that point. When in doubt, stay close to either a fence or large object in the vicinity, like a building or truck. Don’t go wandering about unescorted, it’s not safe. Sure, lineboys and pilots wander around, but we have a much better idea of where the dangers are. And, to be honest, we sometimes get hurt (or worse). You don’t have to take that risk - so don’t.

Thank you, thank you! (bowing…bowing…)

By the way - I am looking for a “perfectly good” airplane for you to jump out of. But, as an experienced skydiver, you already know there’s no such thing as a PERFECTLY good airplane :wink:

I can’t tell you how relieved I am to hear that. Oh, by the way - leave the nickname at home until they get to know you, OK? Just a suggestion… Have fun learning.

But, while you’re out there, never assume that because a runway was empty when you took off it will stil be empty when you return - between other aircraft, airport vehicles, wandering idiots (on foot or in cars), and wild animals (deer, coyote, and geese being the big troublemakers around here) you have to be ready for anything. I’ve done my share of aborted takeoffs and last-minute go-arounds - you will, too. Stay alert and take nothing for granted.

I try to leave the deadly force to the uniformed authorities, although there’s no question that an airplane could be used as a deadly weapon.

There’s a sign posted prominently at just about every airport I’ve been to. It says, more or less, that if you tamper with the aircraft or in any way meddle so as to cause a fatal accident you will be eligible for the death penalty. Trespassing is a serious matter at any airport.

Aw, shucks, now I’ve gone and made flying sound like some horrific nasty complicated dangerous thing - and it isn’t. It’s really wonderful. Just stay safe, OK?

16

I think that there’s only one thing that we can say about the idiots involved in this incedent for sure:

They don’t read the Straight Dope.

Can I get an amen?

17

Broomstick- what kind of religious pilgrimage is this, that people tresspass, and risk really icky-poo death?

18

The Polish Marian Pilgrimage from St Michael’s Church in South Chicago, Illinois to the reproduction of the Black Madonna at the Shrine of Our Lady of Czestochowa, at the Salvatorian Fathers Monastery in Merrillville, Indiana

(Now there’s a reason to get your local newspaper - accurate Pit rants!)

To be fair, MOST of the pariticipants are well behaved. But, you know, they really do block traffic for hours on end. They basically expect everyone else’s life along that route to come to a halt while they do their thing. And, personally, I think that’s really, really rude that they expect people either to stay in their houses, or not be able to get back home, for several hours and just basically force people who do not share their religion or beliefs to accomodate them.

And you always have a few bad apples. People who are just plain rude. Idiots who think that, because they’re on a religious journey, certain normal rules don’t apply.

And I also get irked at their smug assumption that everyone in the world knows about their yearly hike, and everyone cares about it. I mean, they block the entrace to the airport for a couple of hours every year. Several years ago there was a group of about 5 people who were very irate, probably on some sort of a tight schedule, who couldn’t get out of the airport parking lot. The blissed-out lead guy in the parade started going on and on about how they do this every year and everybody in the area knows about this and they should have planned for it – dude, these people are from Canada. They don’t even live in the fucking United States, much less Indiana. Yet these nutjobs exepct people who flew down that morning from British Columbia to not only know about their little religious festival/neighborhood inconvenience but be blissfully happy to accomodate it. Fucking clueless. It’s a goddamned airport - one year during Oshkosh we had some planes from New Zealand stop here for gas. We may be plonked down here halfway to nowhere but we are connected to the rest of the world.

And that’s what bothers me, really - their arrogant attitude that everyone shares their joy and should be happy to be inconvenienced.

It also pisses me off that, unless you read the local papers you get no advance notice of this event. More arrogance - that everyone in this area knows their church calendar.

Think about it - maybe someone has flown up to our airport from Florida or Texas or Maine or even Mexico or Canada, maybe to do some business here. You arrive, only to find a pack of zealots saying “Oh, sorry, you can’t leave the airport because we’re on a religious pilgrimmage. Didn’t you know? We do this every year, everybody knows we do this.” (I’d half expect the conversation to continue with “You’re from where? How did you get here?” with several airplanes as backdrop)

It’s just fucking RUDE to expect everyone else to bring their life to a halt for this parade every year.

19

A prior year’s rant about these folks

20

In an odd coincidence, it appears JFK airport in New York is having trespasser problems, too:

Fishermen wash up on shore at airport