Party Etiquette???

[ice1000]

Strange thing happened to me at a New Year's Eve party.

My girlfriend and I went to a party of some friends of ours. We only knew the hosts, who were hosting the party at their home.

Since they were hosting, we brought creme brulee that we made, rum, daquiry mix and strawberries. Now, about one week before the party, the host told us that we would be having dinner. She said she ordered Joe's Stone Crabs for each of us. That is a delicacy and expensive so that is why we brought all that stuff.

We got to the party and in the middle of dinner, another person asks, "How much do we owe you for the dinner?". The host replied, 'About $30."

Now I was at a loss on how to react. We were never told that we had to pay for dinner and we were lucky that we had cash on hand.

The way I'm used to parties is that if you host it you either pay for everything or you ask people to bring a dish or two. That's the way we do it in my culture (I'm Latin). Did I miss something?

Was that strange or is payment for food at a party really the norm?

Ivan

[unclviny]

I have NEVER been invited to a party where I was expected to pay without being told up front (being asked to pay is rare), and I am not impressed with these people at all!.

unclviny

[SJSB]

That strikes me as pretty strange. Also kind of rude, to be honest. Any party that I have ever hosted, I've always laid on all the food without question. The same has gone for friends and aquaintances that have held parties themselves.
So, IMHO, They were definitely rude.

[ice1000]

I guess we shouldn't bring this up with them in the future huh? I can't think of a delicate way to bring it up...maybe we should just avoid attending parties they host.

[BiblioCat]

Originally posted by ice1000
The way I'm used to parties is that if you host it you either pay for everything or you ask people to bring a dish or two. That's the way we do it in my culture (I'm Latin). Did I miss something?

That's what I always do, too, but unless it's family, I never ask people outright to bring something. They usually ask if they can bring something, and I then say yes (something like sodas, chips, an appetizer or dessert).

When I'm invited to a party, I always ask if I can bring something, and depending on the type of party, the hosts will say yes or no. If they say no, I'll take a bottle of wine anyway.

Your experience was a little odd.

[Otto]

Did you remember to tip your waitress?

I'm mildly appalled by this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a group of people getting together to have a meal at shared expense (happens at restaurants all the time) but one pre-requisite of such a gathering is that everyone invited be advised well in advance. When I'm invited to someone's home for a meal I bring flowers and/or a bottle of wine. Bringing a dessert plus drinks and mixers more than fulfilled any obligation you could possibly have to your hosts.

Were someone at the end of the evening to ask me to pay for my supper I would reply, "I'm sorry, no one told me I was expected to pay for my meal. I'm afraid I can't pay it." I would thank them for a lovely evening, leave immediately and politely decline any and all future invitations from these horrifying boors. It sounds like you handled it with class and dignity.

[Silver Serpentine]

Rude rude rude rude.

Rude.

I wouldn't go to any more of their parties. Or, I'd ask first if I had to pay for the food they're providing me with (what, are they a resaurant now?)

[Zoe]

You would have been perfectly justified in not paying one red cent.

[Cat Whisperer]

There is a particular couple in our circle of friends who end up hosting everyone all the time due to their large house - they have started asking us to kick in a couple of bucks for dinners, and we have no problem with that. They let us know in advance, and it is completely understood that we appreciate them hosting everyone every time with very little reciprocity.

Being blindsided like you were is a different thing, in my opinion. If your host felt that what she was serving was too expensive, perhaps she should have not served it.

[Red Matrix]

Invite THEM for dinner and then after they finish, bring them the check/bill.

But no, that would be weird... yet fair.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

My jaw dropped when I read this. That's appalling!

I was mildly annoyed when my mother & stepfather went out to dinner with all us kids to a fancy restaurant after Christmas; when the check came, rather than picking it up (as, in my experience, parents do), she passed it around.

I could afford it, as could my wife, sister, and brother-in-law -- but my brother and his girlfriend are very poor and self-employed, and really had to stretch to pay for it.

But this was fine, if only we'd known about it ahead of time. I would never charge people for food I served at a dinner party. That's really bad.

Daniel

[burundi]

That is tacky beyond words, ice100. There's no shame in not being able to afford fancy dinner parties. It is shameful to have a show-offy meal and then expect your friends to pick up the tab. It's much classier to host a potluck or have friends over for soup and sandwiches than live beyond your means and charge your guests for expensive food.

[monstro]

Why does it seem like only polite people post on the SDMB? I would really like to get the perspective of someone who doesn't think what these people did was wrong.

[herman_and_bill]

If It was me I would of had creme brulee that we made, rum, daquiry mix and strawberries, wouldn't of shared it either.

[geewhiz]

Are sure it was not a joke you were not in on? The way it was done sounded like a joke. The person was probably ribbing them on the price of the food. Unless they out and out ask you for the money, you are not required to pay. Did you ask the hosts about this?

If they wanted you to pay, then they should have been up front. But I would suspect they would want the money beforehand when they ordered all the food.

I always ask if I can bring anything or if it is a really close friend I ask what can I bring. And I would never expect anyone to pay. If they offered that would be different but I probably would not take it.

[MaddyStrut]

Pay for dinner at a party? Never heard of it.

I guess if they had said "let's all get together for crabs sometime--would you like to meet at my house?" that may be a bit different. Even so, if you have people over and plan to split the expense, you generally work out ahead of time how much each member of the group is willing to pay.

[FairyChatMom]

Classless beyond words.

Had I been invited to such a "party", the "hosts" would have been out of luck. I rarely have more than about $5 on me. I use debit cards for everything.

This is something Miss Manners rails about. If you host a party or dinner, you provide all the refreshments. Period. If you invite someone to dinner, it's your treat. Period. There's a difference between issuing an invitation and saying "Wanna do a pot luck at my place next week?"

These are friends you can do without.

[InternetLegend]

Originally posted by monstro
Why does it seem like only polite people post on the SDMB? I would really like to get the perspective of someone who doesn't think what these people did was wrong.

You'd be hard-pressed to find one anywhere at all. Inviting someone to your home for a meal and then charging them for the food is way beyond just impolite behavior. It's so completely contrary to the social customs of every society I can think of, it's hard to believe anyone would think it was okay.

You should entertain within your budget, no matter what, or don't try to "entertain" at all.

[Jonathan Chance]

Ask the MADs...

I am the official party thrower of the SDMB.

And I have never requested any of my guests to pay a dime to attend.

And screw the stone crabs...I have mine catered.

Punks. Don't go to any more of their parties.

[KidCharlemagne]

I honestly got a shivering cringe when I read the OP. Of course, commenting to the host about the oddness/rudeness of asking for money would be equally lacking in decorum. Barring that, I suppose you could say, "I see that your dessert isn't the only thing with bad taste around here."

[Swinger]

How repulsive. I've never heard of hosts asking their guests to pay for their food at a gathering. That's about as rude and classless as it gets.

If I were you, I would rid myself of their acquaintance immediately. You don't need friends like that.

[Queen Tonya]

How utterly rude, I cannot imagine how you managed to go along with everything and not sputter.

Hey, we're not Latin, and all my friends and family bring/take dishes and beverages to one another's parties all the time. We have also exchanged money at times, deciding to get a killer prime rib for an expensive change of pace, but it's discussed well in advance.

I'd never be able to pull off the invite them and present a bill, but I might be inclined to invite them for dinner and ack suitably horrified if they then offered money. That plan rests on them trying to reciprocate, and if they didn't I'd be angry all over again. Ugh, they're just not worth your time.

[Sm:)e]

Next time they invite you to a party, ask what the cover charge is...

Thats garbage.

[Yookeroo]

One of the guests expected to pay. Maybe they just forgot to mention it to you when they invited you?

[Typo Negative]

Totally innapropriate and rude.

If I invite you to my home for dinner, it can (and should) be assumed that the meal is on me. Some folks might want to 'chip in', (if you're ordering out for a large group) but that is their choice and should never be solicited. I could not imagine that any host would do anything other than politley decline such an offer.

[Quartz]

I have some friends who do this. I personally feel that it is very rude.

[jehovah68]

[devil's advocate]Unless I'm mistaken, the host never asked for any money. Did every other guest pony up? Did they do it right away?
As stated in the OP, the hosts were the only people they knew - perhaps the other partygoers were friends for so long that this was something that was simply implicit among them.[/devil's advocate]
Giving you a head's up would have been common courtesy, but the funy thing about it is that, like common sense, it's not that common.

[don't ask]

I've never heard of it and wouldn't have done it but don't think it's so terrible. I imagine host has mentioned what's being served and someone's gone "Wow, we can't ask you to pay for all that. We'll all chip in." and ice1000 wasn't informed.

Who knows. I just wouldn't assume the worst. A few weeks ago I was at a mate's place and we went out to pick up pizzas. I kicked in half the cost. He didn't object and the other couple there contributed nothing.

If you'd been quick enough on the night you could have sorted the whole thing out. I would have tried:

"I didn't bring cash....what plastic do you take?" or

"Does the $30 include the tip."

Shit I'd ask the guy what goes on and I'll bet you'll feel better if you do. Just say "I really liked dinner the other night but I didn't realise we were paying for the crabs. I would have been mortified if I hadn't had enough cash. How do these things usually work with your gang?"

[don't ask]

Oh... don't go for dinner if they are serving The Sea and Earth salad featuring two types of caviar, black truffles and creel-caught langoustines.

[missbunny]

Originally posted by don't ask
I've never heard of it and wouldn't have done it but don't think it's so terrible. I imagine host has mentioned what's being served and someone's gone "Wow, we can't ask you to pay for all that. We'll all chip in." and ice1000 wasn't informed.

Sorry, don't ask, but that's absurd. If the hosts can't afford to pay for the dinner then they shouldn't have invited anyone. And any guest who is stupid enough to think accept an invitation from people who they feel are too strapped to be able to afford to put on a dinner party should politely decline and know in their hearts that they aren't contributing to the insolvency of the hosts.

Polite guests also don't ask what's being served. They eat what is on the table or simply don't take any.

And nobody "asked" the hosts to pay for anything. If the hosts could not afford stone crab they could have served tuna casserole. Since they chose on their own to serve an expensive dish, they obviously feel they can afford it.

I served a whole beef tenderloin - try pricing it at your local butcher - for Christmas and if any of my guests had said, "Oh, this is too expensive, you can't afford it so we'll chip in" I would have been EXTREMELY insulted. It's none of their g-d business how much money I make and for them to presume I am too stupid to know how much I can afford to spend on dinner is incredibly, shockingly rude.

[MC Master of Ceremonies]

If this happened to me I would pay, but I'd go back the next night and burn their house down.

[Master Wang-Ka]

"mildly appalled."

"inexcusably rude."

"tacky."

Yeah, all that would seem to apply. Putting a guest on the spot like that -- by expecting money, and not informing them beforehand -- is rude BEYOND rude.

I'd go so far as to say informing the guests BEFOREHAND that they would be expected to pay for dinner would be kind of tacky... at least, I've never heard of such a thing at a private dinner party.

The worst I could think of would be expecting to be invited to dinner at YOUR house someday, after having you over to dinner at MINE... I could kind of see THAT... but... money?

Some people just have TOO much class, you know?

[amarinth]

Originally posted by ice1000
I guess we shouldn't bring this up with them in the future huh? I can't think of a delicate way to bring it up...maybe we should just avoid attending parties they host.

Exactly.

Their behavior is simply bizarre. Charging guests for food is tasteless and rude, not normal at all.

[don't ask]

Wow. I guess if I ever live in the states i will have to remember that everyone is really, really tightly wound.

If I complained about everything my friends did, of this magnitude, I'd have the friends I deserved ..none.

I love this

If the hosts can't afford to pay for the dinner then they shouldn't have invited anyone.

I like all my friends including the poor ones. We let them stay in the social circle.

[don't ask]

Sorry I don't want to be snotty but...

We're talking about some pathetic social faux pas...the host didn't ask to f*ck all the wives in payment for the crabs

Surely everyone thinks the adult thing to do is clear it up rather than decide how inapropriate the host's behaviour was

What is achieved by labelling the host? Can it improve relations?

In 6 months I will have forgotten this thread and the OP will need reminding. Who wants to make life difficult by being right?

[Dread Pirate Danno]

I seem to be in the minority here, but could it be that you misunderstood the exchange between the host and the other guest? Were you actually asked to pay for anything?

Here is one possible scenario:
Guest #1 looks around the table and realizes that he did not bring anything to contribute to the dinner. He sees that you brought some very expensive items, perhaps sees others who brought a bottle of wine. Guest #1 starts to feel guilty for either forgetting or neglecting to bring something, so offers to do the only thing that he can, which is offer to offset the cost of the dinner. Granted, the host should have declined and the guest should have offered in private. Without knowing more about the relationship between Guest #1 and the host I have no way of knowing if this is something that is regularly done between them or not.

Scenario #2:
Guest #1 is actually a co-host and is sharing the cost of the party. They were merely asking the host what their share of the party came to. Again, without knowing more about their relationship I have no way of knowing if this interaction is normal between them.

I know that between certain groups of my friends, there is behavior based on long associations that can seem outright rude to others, unless they know the underlying assumptions. Close friends tend to cut through a lot of the protocols that are normal in "polite society."

So, again I ask: Were you, in fact, actually asked to pay for anything? Or did you make that assumption because someone else offered to pay?

It is possible that pitting the host may be a little harsh. Of course, it is also possible that he deserves it. If these are friends that you otherwise enjoy spending time with, give them the benefit of the doubt.

Just my $0.02, $0.035 with shipping and handling.

[Otto]

Wow. I guess if I ever live in the states i will have to remember that everyone is really, really tightly wound.

Regardless of where you live, expecting a guest to chip in for the cost of a meal served in your home is rude, unless it was made clear well in advance that this is what was expected and the guest agreed to it.

Rude: "Please come to my house for dinner" and asking for money after dinner has been served and eaten.

Not Rude: "We have a holiday thing at my house every year. Everyone chips in for dinner and we have a pretty elaboarte feast. We're doing stone crabs this year and everyone's chiping in $30. I'd love for you to join us."

I like all my friends including the poor ones. We let them stay in the social circle.

Do your poor friends expect everyone else to pay for the dinner that your poor friends serve at their house? Or do your poor friends, when hosting, serve something within their budgetary range?

The point is not whether these hosts could afford stone crabs or not. Dinner parties are about the company, not the menu. The thread is about the etiquette of inviting people to dinner without advising them ahead of time that they were expected to pay for that dinner. There is simply no question in my mind that expecting someone to pay for the meal you serve them at your house without informing them with the invitation that this is expected is a breach of etiquette.

Further, I humbly suggest that if reading threads in which people's manners or lack of same is at issue bothers you that you not click on thread titles which include the word "etiquette" in them.

[Dread Pirate Danno]

Quoth me:

It is possible that pitting the host may be a little harsh.

Oops, this was not posted in the pit. That is what comes from having too many windows open at once.

My apologies, ice1000, I did not mean to imply that you were pitting the host.

[don't ask]

Yeah, Otto I get all that stuff. the difference is my friends f*ck up all the time. One of then lied to me and cost me $5000. He thinks he was right, I think he was a d*ckhead but we're still friends.

The OP is talking about friends he went to dinner with. I agree, I think asking for money was wrong but had it happened to me I wouldn't be getting upset about it. I would find out what I ahd failed to understand and let it go.

You fight your friends over $30 without asking how it came about and I'll stick to my method.

[shijinn]

Originally posted by Yookeroo
One of the guests expected to pay. Maybe they just forgot to mention it to you when they invited you?

i agree. one of the guests expected to pay - we simply have insufficient information to pass judgement.

                &nbs p;            

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them".

[Otto]

The OP is talking about friends he went to dinner with.

No, the OP is talking about friends who invited him to their home for supper and then had them pay for it. Big difference.

You fight your friends over $30 without asking how it came about and I'll stick to my method.

I for one didn't say that the OP shouldn't maintain a friendship with the OP. I just wouldn't go to their house for dinner.

And I sure as hell wouldn't stay friends with a person who cheated me out of $5000. YMMV.

[jehovah68]

Originally posted by Otto
No, the OP is talking about friends who invited him to their home for supper and then had them pay for it.

We got to the party and in the middle of dinner, another person asks, "How much do we owe you for the dinner?". The host replied, 'About $30."

Now I was at a loss on how to react. We were never told that we had to pay for dinner and we were lucky that we had cash on hand.

When did the host directly ask the OP for money? Are there other possible scenarios, as Dread Pirate Danno (and I) have suggested?
When the other guest asks the question, the OP can't possibly know for certain if he is included in the "we". Maybe he/she was simply referring to the SO.

[zephyrine]

There is simply no question in my mind that expecting someone to pay for the meal you serve them at your house without informing them with the invitation that this is expected is a breach of etiquette.

I agree. And if the host simply forgot to inform the OP that he was expected to pay, that is the host's problem.

When the other guest asks the question, the OP can't possibly know for certain if he is included in the "we". Maybe he/she was simply referring to the SO.

But the point is that the host accepted money from the OP.

It was rude.

[burundi]

Exactly. If the host didn't expect all his guests to pay, why did he take ice1000's money? Why didn't he say, "Oh, no, Joe and I worked this out ahead of time. Besides, you brought this lovely creme brulee and the nice daquiris"?

[Dread Pirate Danno]

Good point, burundi and zephyrine. The first time I read it I missed the part where the host accepted the money from ice1000

Hmmmm. I am doing my best to give the host the benefit of the doubt, but he is making it damn difficult to justify his actions.

[cornflakes]

I can be fairly uptight, but I would probably have mentioned that I didn't have the money as I didn't realize that they were asking guests to cover the cost of dinner. I would then have offered to come back another day with the money.

They could try to make me wash dishes, but I doubt that they would like the quality of my work.

[Guinastasia]

As soon as everyone started paying up, I would have made a huge production of getting up and leaving without saying a word.

That is just beyond rude.

[WILLASS]

The only way that this could be considered anything but the height of vulgarity is if the host was under the impression that the OP had been informed of the arrangment either by someone else in the party or thought that they had informed the OP themselves but it had slipped there mind (possibley it is a regular event and they are so used to the arrangment that they forgot?) Other than this scenario I think that there is no excuse, you don't invite people to your house then bill them for the meal! I am pretty convinced that no-one could possibley be such a cheapskate so if I were you I would have a quiet word with the host and try and find out if there was a misunderstanding. I'm hoping that this is the case but if it turns out not to be i'd be forced to bill them for the daiquiris and strawberries not to mention the cost of the creme brulee (including labour costs if homemade).

[ice1000]

Originally posted by jehovah68
[devil's advocate] Did every other guest pony up? Did they do it right away?

At least one did that we saw.

[rocking chair]

perhaps i'm seeing a bit of a conspiracy here .....

when does a guest in the middle of dinner nonchalantly ask the host " how much do we owe you?"

when i read the op, i had the image of the host and a good friend coming up with a strategy to recoop some of the dinner cost. "hey, would you mind asking me how much y'all owe me for dinner?" "perhaps a few people will pony up."

i'm a bit taken aback at a guest asking for a dinner price; and a host having a price ready to give.

you would have been quite correct in not paying.