We have a bit of an ant problem at work. When I say a bit of an ant problem, I mean there are so many fucking ants looking for food that the low ranking ants are sent to a desk where no one ever sits, on which piles of returned merchandise sit. After I have lunch, ants come to lick the dozen or so grease molecules left on my desk. Once they have scoured everything clean, they continue to send raiding parties out just to make sure they didn’t miss anything.
Now I can tolerate a few ant scouts exploring my desk. I can even deal with the occasional ant crawling on my arm. My tolerance has been decreasing with the increase of ant incursions though, but today was the last straw.
You see, one ant got it in his head to be a hero. He figured he could get promoted if he could off the huge monster that was always interfering with the supply lines. So he learned the art of the Ninja. He practiced stealth and suprise unto the wee small hours, even as his fellow soldiers laughed at him. But the Ant Ninja did not care, for he had a purpose.
Today was the time for his attack, for he had become fully the Ant Ninja. Somehow, by means still unknown to me, he made his one perfect strike.
The Ant Ninja bit the inside of my eyelid.
My goddamn eyelid.
So the ants had a celebration as I ran screaming to the bathroom to wash the little chitinous bastard out of my fucking eye, but soon I will have my revenge. My eye is sacrosanct, and there must be retribution for this defilement. I am going to lay out a minefield of ant traps as far as their little segmented eyes can see.
The hamsters love aardvarks – look at the free advertising they give them!
blessedwolf, your use of the word “bugger” reminds me of my favorite ant joke.
An elephant is in the jungle when her foot begins to hurt something awful. She limps around howling, when she hears a tiny voice from the ground: “What’s wrong?” it asks. She looks down to see an ant looking up at her
“My foot!” she cries, “My foot!”
The ant looks at her foot. “You’ve got a thorn between your toes. I can get it out for you, but under one condition: you have to let me fuck you up the ass.”
The elephant, in agony, agrees. The ant pulls the thorn out, climbs up her leg, positions himself behind her, and begins pumping away.
A monkey is in a tree eating a coconut and sees this happening. It’s so funny that he starts laughing hysterically and drops the coconut onto the elephant’s head. “Ow!” she cries.
“Yeah, that’s right,” shouts the ant. “Take it all, bitch!”
So what act in Diablo II has aardvark mercs for hire? What sort of powers do they have?
I think some ant spies infiltrated my computer; they must have learned of my strategy as they have staged a retreat for the time being. It is of no consequence. Soon they will grow hungry, and by then my trap shall be set.
The following is a propaganda poster I have put up at strategic sites on the battlefield:
ATTENTION LOYAL ANT SOLDIERS!
Your Queen, may she live forever, wishes to reward your hard work and dedication while you labor tirelessly to vanquish the Ugly Bag of Mostly Water that destroys our hard-built roadways. Therefore, She has placed these Temples to Her Glory out in the field, that you may take a well deserved rest from the battle. Much food and wine awaits you there, so revitalize yourself for the Glory of the Queen!
How did an ant get UNDER your eyelid without you realising???
Ouch!
Ants are tough little bastards, and the worst thing is they work in armies of thousands. Watch out for incursions by groups of SAS ants crawling up your leg with a knife between their teeth - thats when you have to declare war.
I am still attempting to analyze the Ant Ninja’s tactics. The best I have been able to come up with is that he observed me scratching my nose periodically, anticipated when the next scratch would come, jumped stealthily onto my hand just as it was leaving my desk, and insinuated itself into my eye. All I know for certain is that I briefly felt something on my face and then the world was reduced to a horrible burning itch and the need to exterminate with extreme prejudice.
You know, of course, that after several waves of ant ninjas, you must face ant samurai. After that, you enter the main ant lair, and fight more ant samurai sarge-ants. Just before you reach the final anteroom where you anticipate rescuing the ant princess, an ant-eagle attacks you and then you face the giant black-armored Peak Ant.
My campaign against the ants seems to be working. There were only a few forlorn stragglers today, valiantly yet futiley struggling against my might. Indeed, my kung fu seems to be superior.
