Gratuitous Criticism of On-Line Personal Ads, From One Too Chicken To Post/Answer 'Em

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, having not had a relationship in a few months – and the last one was both short and demoralizing, but that’s another story – I’ve been peeking at the personal ads at a couple of websites. Lacking the courage to either answer any ads from guys (what if they don’t like me?) or post an ad of my own (what if they don’t like me?), I’m still finding it very entertaining and interesting to see who’s out there and the kind of stuff they post. And I should also say that I’m sort of surprised (pleasantly so): These are some reasonable cute, reasonably intelligent guys, more winners than “loosers.”

But since I’m too much a coward to jump in the pool, I can at least amuse myself by hypocritically criticizing those who have the courage I lack. So here’s some things that have struck me as funny or strange or just . . . yikes! If the rest of y’all have your own opinions, please post them. Unless they’re opinions on what a hypocritical coward I am, because we’ve already covered that. :wink:

– “I have a shrap sense of humor.” But a dlul sense of spelling.
– "The three words I would use to describe myself are intelligent, fun, kind, and sexy. One, two, three, fo-- wait . . .
– “You: Sexy, confident, funny, with toes made to be sucked.” :eek:
– “You’re enough of a gentleman to know that a lady never pays her own way.” You’re smart enough to see that this lady’s college major was Hard-rock Mining for Precious Metals.
–“Favorite place to vacation: The astral plane.” [Posted with no indication she’s being clever.] I thought they made you disembark the astral plane when it lands at the astral airport.
– “You will . . . complete me.” You completely make me want to run away, Mr. Needy. Plus, though I know a lot of women loved that movie, I thought it was dreck.
– “I have impeckable [sic] taste, so if your [sic] not willing to let me tell you what to wear and how to style your hair, I am not the girl for you.” You’re not the chick for anyone, honey. You don’t need a man, you need a Ken doll.
– “Last book read: The sports page.” Not all-around bad, but bad in my world.

Also:

– People who post pictures taken by Pore-Camp[sup]TM[/sup]. Surely “up your nose” cannot be your best side.
– People who post pictures where a mysterious someone has clearly been cropped out. That disembodied arm or, worse, half a head next to yours is a little unsettling on several levels. More unsettling when it’s a kid – kind of like: Quick, hide the child! No one must know of it!
– Mullets. No. Just . . . No.
– People who post and denigrate the process while they do it: “How sad that it’s come to this . . .”, “I’m not the kind who places a personal ad . . .” (clearly you are), “Looking for someone who would never respond to an ad . . .” (Isn’t that like Groucho Marx saying he wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have him as a member?). Sure I’m enough of a hypocrite to criticize from the outside looking in, but even I wouldn’t do that if I decided to jump in the pool.

Anyone else have any other favorites, or any advice on what NOT to do for someone who might (maybe, possibly) place an ad in the future? Remember: Those who can, do; those who can’t, criticize those who can. :slight_smile:

2

There you go! Got around to it right at the end, after all the jokey stuff. Okay . . . my take:
Take your courage in both hands and use a photo. Let men see what they’re dealing with otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a serious waste of time, and mucho disappointment – that’s no judgement on you cos I, obviously, have no idea what you look like, but it is on society in general and men in particular (okay, and women).

Fwiw, my theory is that if more ‘average’ or less photogenic or ‘plump’ people did post photos, they’d be overwhelmed by responses because most of the people who surf those sites – as well as the majority of the general population as well as those in the single’s pool – are also ‘average’ or less than photogenic or plump; “Hey, s/he’s only average like me, I’ll give her/him a shot”. I think an awful lot of those viewers are in that category.

‘course people may also lack courage or self-confidence for different reasons than their appearance, but I think society – from school up - has taught the ‘less popular’ to be unconfident and it’s a great shame because truly, the Internet is their medium, not the pretty peoples’.

So, whatever the hell you look like – fat, thin, beautiful, ugly - just post a damn photo and be proud for even doing it (proud for overcoming whatever it was that has so far prevented you) let alone proud for who you are; Hey, this is Jodi, and I’m a great person !

Tough, innit !

So what?

3

I have no helpful advice, but I just wanted to say that I tend to find personal ads amusing and love reading them.

4

And post a good photo. Some people resolve to post a photo, and then run off something small and grainy and black and white which prompts the response “You thought your photo would look better if we couldn’t see you?”

5

Long running ad in a local paper…

“Ugly smelly man seeks ugly smelly woman”

It stopped appearing after a while, I hope he found what he was looking for.

6

I used to read the personals in Folio Weekly, the freebie local paper that carries The Straight Dope. What always struck me was how alike all the ads were. I like long walks on the beaches, intimate dinners with someone special, sunsets, blah blah blah. Everyone once in a while, someone would come up with a clever approach, but mostly they were pathetic copies of each other.

I also like the use of code words. Like “fit” = “no fat chicks” and “discrete” = “I wanna screw around on my wife” I’m sure there were more, but off the top of my head, I can’t remember.

I often wonder if I’d have had the nerve to respond to any. Lucky for me, shortly after I got here, I met my husband, so I didn’t have to venture into that riptide.

I’ll see if I can find a copy and if there are any striking ads I can share.

7

“discrete” also means “I’m in the closet and don’t want anyone to know I’m gay so we’ll just be screwing in some hotel room but act like we don’t know each other in public.” Sometimes married, sometimes not.

8

The one that I’m struck by is “looking for a woman who’s comfortable in a dress or in jeans.” My god! That’s me!!! And my sister and all my friends and my mom . . . . Doesn’t that describe 99% of American women? Sure, you’ve excluded butch lesbians and the Amish, but what are the chances they’d be reading your ad anyway?

And yeah, if I did it, I’d definitely post a photo. I don’t think I’m shallow, but I’m suspicious of people who don’t post a photo. It’s so easy to do that I wonder why someone doesn’t do it? Skin condition? Cyclops?

9

Wife ? :smiley:

10

OK, a few from memory:

“I have curves in all the right places” = Fat, invariably has no picture or a head shot only.

“Seeking ambitious/professional/goal-oriented/career oriented man” = Earn lots of dough and take care of me!

“Seeking Active Male/Female” = No fat people

“Shower me with gifts/ Take care of me/ Spoil me with gifts” = Basicly prostitution.

Pet peeves:

Tall women (5’11" and up) who insist they need a guy whose at least 3 inches taller than them. O-kay, I can understand not wanting someone very shorter than you, but seems like a big limitation.

Post a picture with you in casual dress please. That picture of you in a serious cocktail dress and all dolled out does look fine, but you should also have a casual counterpart. Otherwise you tend to look high maintenance. I think almost all services let you post more than one picture, so go!

11

Hi: Couple of experiences with classifieds - on a dare (not even close to sober) placed a classified in a very large city…gave a p o box with instructions to write a letter and include a phone number. Got 57 responses (vaguely remember "do you like puddle jumping, jeans and no socks?). Met most (had back up sitting at another table for rescue if needed - turns out never did)…had a lot of fun…met one who turned out to a very good friend over 10 years…good thing about this, being female, it keeps you anonymous so keeps the weirdos away (well, some included pictures).

Met my husband (still) through classified in our little town local paper…had a few glasses of wine (why do most stories start like that), reading through the paper in my bachelor apartment and thought why not?

His reasoning for putting ad in was…he is not much of a drinker, worked long hours and wasn’t really interested in bar scene; someone suggested putting an ad in the paper and voila, as they say, the rest is history.

12

Mr. Miskatonic, you forgot “I like to be treated like a lady”, which of course means “I will never pay for anything, ever.”

I met my current girlfriend (almost 2 years) through a Washington City Paper ad. My advice on responding is to make sure your response is personalized - make some reference to what she wrote in her ad so she knows that you’re not just carpet-bombing the same response on 200 ads. Don’t say anything that would make you sound crazy or stalkerlike. And don’t sound like answering their ad is a chore that you’re forcing yourself to do.

(Aside: this isn’t the section of personals I met her through, but do other free weeklies have a personals section called something like “Wild Side” that is split about evenly between couples looking for a woman to have a threesome with and gay men looking to seduce straight guys?)

13

:stuck_out_tongue:

Perhaps there are no cameras allowed on the astral plane? :wink:

14

Well…Jodi, who (truly) gives such good relationship advice, asking for advice on how to start a relationship. Heh, welcome to our club. I am no expert in this, seeing as I’m single, and in the five months I went internet dating I only met five women and none of the dates ended up in a LTR. Still, I’ve had to write several profiles, and I’ve had them critiqued by my female friends, so I’ve reached somewhere on the learning curve, and…where was I again?

OK. The first thing is, know what you want. If you’re looking for an LTR, don’t write a profile that suggests otherwise. Not the easiest thing, I know, but if you start getting a lot of guys who seem to be interested in one-nighters, you’ll know. Also, be honest with yourself. If you can’t stand (for want of an example) short guys, don’t fill out the form suggesting that you’d be happy with one, just so you don’t “look bad” to the guys you really want to date. Trust me, there are enough guys out there that it won’t matter.

Second thing is, bounce ideas off your friends. Potentially embarrassing, yes, but friends can help you determine whether your profile describes who you really are.

Third thing, don’t use cliches. But you knew that already.

Fourth thing, write your profile when you’re feeling good about yourself. As you’ve said, it’s cringeworthy when people put themselves down in ads. Just like in a job interview, it’s best to approach it when you’re most aware of your strengths.

Lastly, don’t be hard on yourself post-ad. It’s only been after I started dating again after my divorce that I realized that dating and relationships, like all human activities, are learned activities. The more you are involved, the more you learn. The same is true, I suppose, with personal ads/online dating.

And, in the event that you pick E-harmony for your adventures, a word of wisdom (I’m putting this in a spoiler box so as not to turn everybody off of it)…Never, EVER, pick “1” or “7” for any of the questions on the personality quiz. If you do you run the risk of being considered “too quirky” by their search engine and therefore unmatchable. Trust me. Good luck, if you decide to go down this path!

15

I glance at the personals occasionally, too, just for amusement.

Several years ago, I read one wherein a woman included the following memorable requirement: “Drivers of small foreign cars need not apply.”

16

All I can add is… if this news came to me pre-Mrs. Bricker, I would have wasted no time striking up some flirtatious banter with you, Jodi, and if you do end up diving into the ad scene, I envy the lucky guys that get a chance to impress you, both though ad responses and in person.

In short, I can’t believe that

is well-founded at all.

  • Rick
17

I always love when a woman says that she is seeking a man who “knows how to treat a lady,” or something to that effect. To me that always translates as “I want all the perks of women’s liberation but none of the hassles.”

18

I’ve been divorced for almost 4 years; I was married for 18. Plus, I never dated much when I was single, so I found myself approaching middle age, single, and totally clueless about how to go about dating again. In an effort to gauge reaction, I joined an on-line service. I corresponded with a LOT of women, met quite a few, dated some, had significant relationships (read: more than a couple of dates) with a select few. Mostly, I e-mailed a lot, but I’m pretty cautious. I’m also not exactly Mr. Self-Confidence.

On the whole, it was a good experience. I met some nice people, some of whom I still have contact with. There were a few misfires, and a few…ummm…interesting people.

Make the ad different, somehow…those cookie-cutter ads? Bleeeeeech. “I love to laugh…” Not me, sister, I hate it. “I look as good in jeans as I do in a cocktail dress” You and every other single woman on the planet, apparently. Read the ads of others of your own gender…get a few clues as to what NOT to do.

The strangest thing that happened to me was that I was doing just that…examining other men’s ads, sort of checking the competition…when I came across an add with a familiar user name (he had used his real name ). It was my next-door neighbor from childhood!!!. With a picture to prove it! I mean, I grew up with this guy, haven’t seen him in years, and I finally see his face in an on-line personal ad. Then I realized I was thinking, “He’s doing on-line dating? Geez, what a loser…oh, wait…that’s what I’m…”

I finally stopped the whole on-line thing when I realized I was spending far too much time and effort on it. I was trying too hard and it was becoming a distraction, impacting my work and home life.

Now, I have the SDMB for that!

19

And here’s a few more tips…

  1. Definitely include a RECENT picture
  2. TURN THE DAMN CAPS LOCK OFF
  3. Don’t answer all the personal stuff with, “I’ll tell you later”
  4. Spell check, spell check, spell check. That quote from Blaise Pascal won’t impress me if you can’t spell.
  5. “I’m an independent, professional gal…the right man would make my life perfect” often means, “My career comes first…deal with it.” Say what you mean.
  6. “Petite” just means “short”. As a guy, I didn’t know this.
  7. Don’t take anything too personally…it’s an impersonal medium.
20

Boy, so many ladies in those online ads have NO sense whatsoever about which photo to include.

Too sexy: intimidating.
To small: What are you hiding?
Black and white photo: Again, what are you hiding? (extra point if only half of your face is lit in dramatic high-relief).
Pictures in fuzzy ‘soft fucus’: Yet again, what are you hiding?
Picture taken at Glamour Shots: Wow, do those makup ‘artists’ go out of their way to make you look like a streetwalker!?
Picture is badly cropped: was probably a photo with your previous boyfriend, and if that’s the best picture you have to offer, your dating too soon after the breakup.
Picture actually includes previous boyfriend: Why are you even bothering?
Picture is obviously Photoshopped: Wow, Just by squeezing the aspect ratio I look tall and thin – and an alien! And this ‘despeckle’ tool gets rid of all my pores and makes me look like I’m made of flesh-tone plastic!
Prom photo: Hmmm, ad says your 27 now…
Bridesmaid photo: Subtle…
Not smiling: Yep, you seem like fun (hint: you don’t look like your “deep”, you look like you need antidepressants).
Flipping the bird: No, you don’t look ‘cute and sassy’, you look like the type of girl who gets wasted on margatitas at Chi-Chi’s and gets into screaming matches in the parking lot (note: I might be projecting).
Picture includes your cat: Possibility of a Crazy Cat Woman and/or endless stories of what cute thing the widdle snookums did today.
Picture includes your baby: See above, substitute ‘baby’ for ‘cat’.

I suspect that the guy’s ads are just as bad, just in totally different ways.