Critique my personal ad.

Here it is , fire away.

I think you’re better off getting rid of the “Deep Throat” reference. Ew.

twicks (female)

You need a better picture. Don’t make the Deep Throat joke (I hope it’s a joke) – with online personals, avoid all references to porn altogether.

Also, your quick answers some of the questions, esp. “Most Humbling Moment” and “Best/Worst Lie” don’t really give the reader much to go on. You might be too clever, funny and interesting to answer pre-packaged questions like this, or you might just be too dumb. The reader has no way of knowing.

Funny story about the picture…

I don’t have a digital camera, and I didn’t have a picture on the profile for the longest time. I went geocaching one day, and found a cache with a disposable camera in it. I snapped that picture and left it in the cache (along with a peso and a Tom Clancy novel).

Months later, the owner of the cache develops the pictures, scans them, and puts 'em up on the website.

It’s a good story, but… Go buy a scanner. Scanners are really cheap – I got a good one a couple of years ago for $30. Scan in a better picture. Seriously.

Definitely flesh it out. I would scan right over that one if I were looking. Your short answers seem like you are too above it all to answer the questions and if that’s the case, why are you on the site? Gotta give the ladies more to go on. And, yeah, lose the porn reference.

As for the pic, I don’t think it’s that bad. It would be nice to have a picture where you look happy, but I’d rather a not-so-good snapshot over a glamour shot anyday. Maybe add the story of the picture in the ad somewhere. It’s the most tellling thing I’ve read so far.

That is quite nifty.

Advice? Hmm. My only personal ad is terrible. At least that’s what I tell myself, since I never get any nibbles. At any rate, the Deep Throat bit probably should go, as has already been advised. A little more information would be good. No need to spill all your guts, but a bit more than what you have there would help. The American Original bit, I like.

Picture, not bad, really. Too many guys put the only formal picture of themselves in their profiles. Bad recent is much better than good but not recent. I’ve seen too many twenty-five-year-olds who have a prom picture in their profiles.

One last thing. If you really truly have no preferences as to height, weight, religion, cool. If you do, though, make sure to indicate them (and nothing at all wrong with having preferences that way, of course. Take it from someone who knows.

I had a personal ad on the Web for a while. At first it got very little response. But I tweaked and tweaked and tweaked. Eventually, I was getting a lot more responses than I ever expected. So the moral of this story is: (1) There’s some basis for the things I’m about to tell you, and (2) In the world of online personals, persistence is key. At first you may not get any responses. Don’t give up! Just keep trying, and keep looking for ways to improve either your profile or your e-mail writing technique. (I found that first e-mail to be very hard to write: You want someone to feel that you’re really interested in them, but at the same time a lot of people are nervous about meeting someone through the Internet, and it’s easy to scare them off. All I can say is practice makes perfect.)

But with regard to your profile:

Things I liked:
(1) You seem to have answered most of the questions. This is good. If you leave things blank, people will generally assume the worst.
(2) You showed some humor in your answers (“Ugliest Computer in the World”, etc.) without overdoing it. This is good for obvious reasons.

Things I didn’t like:
(1) People have mentioned your photo. I’ve seen ones that were much worse, but it does have one main problem: It’s TOO DARK. Try to get a photo where people can see your eyes. Also, you’re more likely to get a good photo if you have a friend take it, rather than trying to snap one of yourself. Maybe you should consider wearing your Air Force uniform. It may be cliche, but a lot of women really love the look of a man in uniform.
(2) Your “Why You Should Get to Know Me” section should be MUCH LONGER. There will be tons of people who say things like “I’m an American Original.” You need to really give someone a glimpse of who you are. I originally had a very generic profile, but when I added information about my love of music and my passion for my job, the level of interest went way up. And don’t just say “I love music” (or whatever it may be). Show them. I said something like “I enjoy writing cheezy love songs. I probably won’t be winning any Grammys any time soon, but I really value having that creative outlet.” It doesn’t matter what you’re passionate about – your military service, your long-term dreams, a hobby, whatever – but by showing someone you are passionate about something, they’ll feel like you could someday be passionate for them.

Another good idea is to talk about the qualities your friends like about you. If you’re the one that people come to with their problems, say that. If you’re the one who can invariably make people laugh, say that. Also, talk about the things that are most important in your life, be it your family, your friends, your pet dog, your prized baseball card, whatever.

You can also try looking at women’s profiles and seeing what traits they’re frequently looking for. If you have any of these traits, you can emphasize them in your profile. (Obviously, don’t lie if you don’t have them – they’ll find out eventually, so what’s the point.) For instance, I really enjoy conversation (much more than the stereotypical man), so I added a line to my profile that said “I love conversation, whether on a profound topic or an utterly silly one.” A lot of the responses I got were from women who said something similar in their profile. (One caution here: Don’t bother copying the bad lines from women’s profiles. Adding a trite line like “I enjoy walks on the beach” to your profile probably isn’t going to help much, even though lots of women also say it – just because everyone says stuff like that. If anything, it will just make you look uncreative. In fact, don’t copy lines in general – try to say things in your own original words. “I love the color of the ocean at sunset” is still a bit sappy, but it’s a hell of a lot better than “I like walks on the beach.”)

At first I wrote my profile to be very generic because I wanted to “cast a wide net.” I figured, not everyone may like “Star Trek” and Counting Crows. That doesn’t matter. People will be much more likely to respond to you if they feel that they have a good sense of who you are, even if who you are doesn’t perfectly match everything they’re looking for.

You also might want to add a bit to your “What I am Looking For” section, but this is less crucial.

One last thing. This is probably obvious, but you’d be amazed how many people don’t do it. Proofread! Make sure to check your profile for spelling and grammar errors. (Right now it seems fine, but if you listen to me and add more text it’s likely you’ll make a few typos.) If your profile has grammatical mistakes, people will immediately get a bad impression of you.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Good luck!

Actually, since the site allows multiple photos, having one formal “in uniform” shot and another casual or semi-formal shot might be nice. The uniform will grab some people’s attention, but others will be thinking “Sure, but what does he look like the rest of the time?”

Another female’s opinion:

[li]I think your photo is fine. It is a little dark, but the most important thing with these photos is to use the ones where you look as close to the way you do in real life as possible. Cannot be stressed enough! There’s no doubt that a shot of you in your blues would be great, but I’d keep the current photo in the mix, too (if that’s what you look like for the most part, of course).[/li][li]I agree with the idea that you should flesh out your answers (especially the part where you describe yourself). They are very dry, very short, and not very creative or witty or anything.[/li][li]Please, for the love of og, delete the last word in this sentence: “I’m fairly open to new experiences, ladies.” Your ad already says that you’re looking for females, you do not need to sound like some '70s lounge lizard. I automatically skip – and roll my eyes at – profiles that contain lines like that.[/li][li]I think the Deep Throat answer is fine! I actually laughed when I read that. It’ll weed out the women who either are prudes or have no sense of humour.[/li][li]Don’t be too generic: if you try to appeal to every woman on the site, you’ll wind up not appealing to anyone. Imagine the woman you’d love to meet, then write your ad for her (as much as possible, of course).[/li][/ul]
Good luck! :slight_smile:

You had me at “He’s just this guy, you know?”

You hoopy frood, you.

Yep. I wonder if anyone on Onion Personals has referenced Clockwork Orange for that question. We should have a competition to see who can make the creepiest personal ad.

Well, the photo shows up on my screen as a big black smudge with hair and ears. I’d say that it’s definitely too dark. (but your hair and ears are just lovely!)

Red Stilettos is quite right. There isn’t enough in your ad to interest someone. I’d scan right over you, too. I know from your posts here that you are far more interesting than you seem to be from your ad.

I agree with just about everything here. I giggled at the Deep Throat thing, too. If you had mentioned a scene from some other porno movie, it wouldn’t have been funny. But Deep Throat? Inherently funny. Now, if you didn’t mean it to be funny…

[li]Better picture. Way, way too dark. Take pictures with the camera’s back to the sun so the subject doesn’t get all blacked out. I like the idea of a casual & a uniform pic. (To make things easy, send the uniform pic straight to me, k? thanks.)[/li][li]Write more, and write about yourself. Not to show off, just be sincere and you. I would skim this and go find someone who mentions what their interests are. An earlier post mentioned passion, I would add joy as well. What do you delight in? How much do you laugh? How do you hug? What do you cook really well? What makes you scared? etc, etc Basically, I want the beginning of an answer to “Who are you?”[/li][li]Be upfront about what you are looking for. I’m only interested in guys who can handle me being an equal partner, and probably better at some things. I don’t need a guy looking for a cute little housewife. I’d kill him or he’d kill me.[/li][li]Be happy, be witty, be real, be you.[/li][li]Ditch the “ladies”. Please.[/li][/ul]

You’re not too hung up on looks, but a good-looking face will trump all? What?

25 SWM seeks SWF for LTR and helping me use these coupons that are piling up. Infectious smile.

Pretty crappy picture…you need one where they can actually SEE you. Other than that, if you weren’t less than half my age, I’d give you a call! But then, I’m a creepy middle-aged married woman. We all say stuff like that to cute boys!

Lord oh lord get rid of the Deepthroat reference. Replace it with something passionate, erotic, and romantic, like the scene between Rachel Weiss and Jude Law in “Enemy at the Gates.”

28 SWM with a passion for sewing, looking for SWF, about a size 18, blonde hair, no attachments.

If you’re not hung up on physical appearance, a cute face wouldn’t trump all.

Lose the Deep Throat reference. Harry Reem’s scenes with Lovelace were crass and vulgar. Unless you’re looking for a woman who has either been on or is a future guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Tainted Love(originally recorded by Gloria Jones in 1976 on Tamala Records) is a song about betrayal. Why would that get you in the mood?