I’ve been enamored with personal ads since I was in Junior High. Each Sunday morning, after reading the comics, I always flipped through the classified ads to read the personals (the only day they had them in my paper).
Some were pathetic. Some were sexy. Some were frightening to the extreme.
I’m happily married now, but I still browse through the personals. Not looking for someone else, mind you. Just out of curiousity.
That said, my wife and I often debated what our own flippant personal ads would look like. So here’s mine:
MWM, 6’2’, 200 pounds. Black/haz. Heavy drinker/smoker. I like movies, walks on the beach, and playing stink-finger and grabass. I’m proud to say that I’m hung like a buck gerbil. ISO centerfold type to discretely ogle when the little woman isn’t looking. I’m quite a catch!
I used to peruse the personals for grins, wondering whether I’d have ever used them when I was unattached. I’m not sure if I could have done it.
As for mine:
MWF, 48. If looks are important to you, don’t bother. If hygiene is not important to you, don’t bother. I have a warped sense of humor and I’m not interested in serious issues, moonlight walks, or cuddling by the fire. If you’ve got a brain and can make me laugh, that’s an excellent start. If you mow my lawn and clean my garage, I’m yours. Sports fanatics need not apply. Send your reply in a box of fine chocolates.
SWM, 36, enjoys long walks in the fireplace and sitting in front of a roaring beach. ISBN. TMBG, UB. G, PG, R. ISO LTR w/ SWF, RSVP PDQ, TLA, E-I-E-I-O.
*MWM, 29. 5’11", 200-ish lbs. Scorpio. Looking for a Married, open-minded Female w/ wooden leg and kickstand that is into casual sex, Star Trek, Law and Order, hardcore porno and shooting automatic weapons. Owning your own vehicle and not living with your parents is a plus! (But not necessary!)
SWM,30, looking for at hot young female. Not to brag, but hung like a…what the hell are you giggling at? Well, I’m paying for this ad so you better shut the hell up before I reach through this phone and…Look, I mean it, [expletive]. If you don’t print exactly what you hear me say I’m coming up to that rag of a newspaper you work at and kicking your [expletive]! Oh, yeah? Well, [expletive] you too, pal!
Professional SHF,39, no drug/alcohol/psych issues ISO handgun afficianado/computer geek/alpha male to rock her world. Must worship and adore me and expect same. Experience in the care and feeding of high-maintainance princessy types a plus but will train to suit.
SWM 32 handgun afficianado/computer geek/Experienced in the care and feeding of high-maintainance princessy types, seeks professional, secure, stable, princess for LTR.
<preview>
…hmmm whos this Cyn girl…who cares…sounds perfect…Hey Cyn, lets get married, Tahoe on the 1st sound good?
*for those of you who may have missed it Drachillix and Cyn are getting married and it just so happens that we met via an internet personal ad, this has been planned for quite some time.
No vertebrates were harmed in the making of this ad. Printed on 100% recycled screen phosphor.
Full figured — fat
Financially secure — has a job
height/weight proportional — fat
must like kids — must like other people’s kids
By the way, I also met my wife through the personals. There really is many people out there that are just fine but have trouble meeting people. I met three nice people through the personals, and two nut jobs, but that’s pretty good odds.
Well, that’s one response, certainly. And heaven knows my romantic life has been the subject of laughter before now. Unfortunately I was going more for a ‘make women want to smother me with kisses and take off all their clothes (and por favor, do it slowly, eh?)’ reaction. I think I could stand to refine the message just a smidge.
Single lesbian, 20, in search of unrepentant geek with sapphic tendancies and a penchant for occasional wild debauchery. Deep love of classic age film, history, and linguistics a bonus.
SWF, 22, French/Linguistics major, ISO intelligent/geeky individual of a similar age, for … aww damnit how come all the best chicks are on the other side of the country??
*SWM, 24, 6’3" 260 lbs, with huge comic collection, looking for woman with infinite patience and ability to put up with innane ranting about every random topic. Like Milk. What’s is the deal with milk? How did the first person to drink milk come up with that idea? Did he try other animals first, or was he luck on the first shot? How did he convince the second guy to try some? “Dude, I squeezed a cow, and you gotta taste the stuff that came out of it!”…
Hey, we can get into a discussion about formulism vs. functionalism if you like and do that esoteric linguistic flirting thing, complete with jokes about the past perfect tense of ‘screwed.’ I’m not getting a date anytime soon, so there’s no harm in vicarious internet geeking.
