I’ve been noticing this phenomenon on a wedding message board I follow. Apparently it’s not uncommon for an engaged woman to “propose” to her fiance and offer him a ring (or, less often, another type of present.) This proposal takes place after he has proposed and been accepted and typically follows the unusal proposal protocal – she gets down on one knee and asks him to marry her. This all seems odd to me on several levels.
First there is a question of an engagement ring for men. Is this really common? I did a little poking on the web and found a number of mentions of these rings – most of the mentions turned out to be links to websites where such things can be bought. I have a dark suspicion that they were invented by the dreaded wedding industry in an attempt to turn yet another expensive frivolity into a necessity. Furthermore, the whole thing seems more popular with women than with men (in common with a lot of things in the “wedding world.” A number of the brides on the message board were upset that their fiances didn’t want to wear the rings and didn’t, in fact, seem very enthused about the whole re-proposal thing…
Which brings me to the subject of proposing to the man you’re already engaged to… What the hell’s up with that? This re-proposing thing is similar to another thing I’ve noticed over there – the concept of an “official” engagement that doesn’t begin until a formal proposal has been made. In other words, these people have decided to get married and, in many cases, set a date, booked a church and, even, bought a wedding dress, yet won’t consider themselves really “engaged” until the guy gets down on one knee. I just don’t get this. Of course, my husband never proposed to me… we just decided to get married, made the plans and got married. If my husband had come to me during the planning process and gotten down on one knee to ask me to marry him, my response would have been, “What, do you have amnesia? I’ve been planning the wedding for weeks.” And proposing to a man who’s already proposed to you seems even stranger. No wonder most of these girls aren’t getting the delighted responses they’d like – the guys are thinking, “What, does she have amnesia? We’ve been planning the wedding for weeks…” The one woman on the message board whose fiance did show delighted surprise when she proposed to him was the one who bought him his dream guitar instead of a ring. And, although I hesitated to burst her bubble, I suspect his delight was more over the guitar than over the proposal.
Anyway, in the world of wedding message boards, I am the odd one out because I think this stuff is bizarre. So, I thought I’d come over here among normal people and find out for sure – am I crazy for thinking these things absurd?
Actually, I do in fact wear an angagement ring, which Mrs. RickJay gave to me, and yes, I did propose to her first. It’s a long story which involved a temporary breaking off of the engagement, so it wasn’t just a following-the-cute-trend thing. So I might not be answering the crux of your question.
I’ve never heard of this custom. Needless to say, then, that I never had such a ring. Nor do I think I’d wear one even if I had.
When my wife and I decided to get married, there was no big proposal, no bended knee, nothing of the sort. It was a mutual decision, and we ended up having a small ceremony that meant a great deal to us. Probably not the kind of engagement and wedding a lot of the brides over on the other message board dream of, but then, it was what we wanted and what we were happy with.
Well, he doesn’t have to necessarily get down on one knee, but according to a lot of women in those boards, you ain’t engaged till he hands over the rock. It doesn’t seem to matter how long they’ve been planning to get married, or how much actual wedding planning they’ve done, if there’s no diamond on their finger, they’re not engaged. I usually just found myself backing slowly away and saying, “Uh, yeah, okay, whatever,” 'cause those brides tended to be kind of scary.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re right. Personally, I’d be pretty damn pleased if somebody bought me my dream anything.
No, you’re not crazy. You’re probably not even really the odd man out on the wedding boards, but more of a silent majority. There’s an unspoken rule on those boards that you don’t call another bride’s plans stupid, tacky, or anything else negative. If you really, really think it’s a bad idea, you’re expected to find a nice way of saying so. There’s really not a nice way to say, “Proposing to someone you’re currently engaged to and buying him a ring is a pointless, absurd waste of time and money,” so most people just roll their eyes and don’t say anything.
For the record, Dr.J didn’t get an engagement ring, and I doubt he would have worn it if he did. He doesn’t wear his wedding ring (and in fact he’s probably lost it again) or any other jewelry, so why would he want to wear an engagement ring? I could see maybe getting him an engagement guitar, but I’m holding off on that one till I get that engagement puppy I was promised.
I don’t like to wear rings, generally. I play piano regularly, and any ring with a stone has a tendency to turn around on my finger and smack on the piano keys stone-first. Not good for the piano, not good for the ring, and sounds awful. If I were given an engagement ring, and if it were a simple band without a stone, I’d have no problem wearing it all the time.
I’m a bit mystified by the whole re-propose thing. I suppose it’s a way for a woman to receive a few warm fuzzies and happy-lovey confirmation bubbles that He Really Does Love Her, which might be important to her if she’s especially insecure. Or maybe she wants to take part in the ring-giving ritual (safely, predictably, without actually having to risk that he’ll say no, because he already asked in the first place). Or maybe its source is a comfort in the rituals and symbols of a loving relationship. I don’t quite get it, though I’d be happy to hear reasons better than the ones I imagine.
Maybe I just figure that I don’t need a big rock for myself. It’s bad enough that the jewelry people are taking one month’s salary from one of us. Why make it two?
That is just bizarre. I don’t think the ring part is so wierd, just the reproposing. Most guys I know don’t wear many rings either, so I would think a watch or something would be more appropriate if the girl proposed first.
But then again, everyone thinks my hubby and I are wierd because we didn’t do the big fat diamond ring thing. I have one ring, a platinum and diamond eternity band. He proposed with it and I wore it through our engagement, but it was also the ring used in the ceremony as my wedding band. Before we decided to get married, I told him I’d rather buy a house with him than wear a rock. I would like some expensive jewelry sometime in my life, but I can wait for it.
Yeah, this is one of those boards (I’ve been to a lot of them) where almost nobody knows how to debate. Any disagreement, no matter how mild, or how kindly stated will be viewed as “non-supportive.” Nonetheless, I sometimes can’t help myself and disagree anyway. In fact, I actually voiced some of the following thoughts on that wedding message board. And it killed the thread dead. Not one person has responded to my comments.
IMO, this re-proposing nonsense is viewed by the re-proposer as “romantic.” It’s also indicative of the strangle-hold girl-think has on the wedding industry. These women assume that because they have always dreamed of receiving a romantic proposal, everyone has dreamed of receiving a romantic proposal. Of course, there are romantic guys out there – but, given our culture, if they have dreamed of their wedding proposal they’ve dreamed of proposing not being proposed to. And these girls further think that since they have dreamed of wearing an engagement ring, everybody has dreamed of wearing a wedding ring. Instead, your romantic-type guy has probably dreamed of wearing a wedding ring and is a bit confused about what, exactly, to do with an engagement ring… As I said, several of the re-proposed-to guys refused to wear the engagment ring on their left hand, instead putting it on the right hand or on a keyring. One guy came right out and said he was “saving” that finger for his wedding band and didn’t want to wear another ring there. See, I thought that was really sweet and romantic and worthy of respect, but the re-proposing fiancee had “hurt feelings” over it. Finally, I can’t help but think that the whole re-proposal thing might actually be offensive to a really romantic guy. Many (maybe even most) guys would take it in stride – thinking (to themselves) that it’s a bit goofy, but playing along – especially if they got a gift out of it like the one guy’s expensive guitar. But a really romantic guy, one who put a lot of energy into the proposal he gave his girl, might feel usurped and hurt – as if his proposal wasn’t quite good enough. The more I think about it the worse of an idea it seems. I really think that most guys would rather have a blowjob than an engagment ring.
I like the idea of engagement rings for guys, although possibly for a different reason. I don’t like the connotations that come with the woman being the only one having a ring. Frankly, I see no need for an engagement ring in the first place, but if I get one, I want my guy to be wearing one as well. We’re BOTH engaged, not just me.
(sidenote: my guy is reading this over my shoulder, and we’re getting into a heated discussion… :eek: )
Two of my close male friends were married (to women, not to each other) in the past 18 months. Both of them wore engagement rings prior to their weddings. I’m no wedding etiquette expert, but I didn’t think there was anything particularly unusual about this.
The re-proposal thing sounds quite strange, however.
Jervoise did they wear the engagement rings on their left hands? What did they do with them after the wedding? Do they wear both rings now on their left hands? I’m curious because I’m wondering how this custom – if it really does turn into a trend – is going to shake down. Some of the men’s engagment rings I saw in my Google search just look like fancy wedding bands. Others have stones (often diamonds) and just look like ordinary men’s rings. Apparently in some European countries there used to be a custom of buying one ring, wearing it on the right hand during the engagement, then switching it to the left hand during the wedding ceremony. Both men and women would do this, according to that site. Also, I had an Irish-American coworker many years ago who bought his fiancee a claddagh ring for their engagment and she bought a matching one for him. She wore hers on her left hand with the heart turned one way for the engagment, then switched the heart the other way during the wedding ceremony. I don’t remember whether or not he wore his during the engagment or just afterwards.
Anyway, I’m willing to believe this is a trend among younger people – especially women who don’t like the ‘marking his territory’ aspect of an engagement ring on a woman, and men who lack previous generation’s prejudice against jewelry on men. I forgot to mention that a single diamond stud earring was a gift mentioned by one of the re-proposers. So, if this is turning into a trend, I guess my confusion is just one more indication that I am getting old and out of it.
I’m standing by my opinion that the re-proposing is just another odd example of Brides Gone Wild, though!
Well me and my boyfriend arn’t engaged so I don’t know about him. But as for my parents, my mum didn’t even have an engagement ring, never mind my dad! (My mum had been engaged before to someone else, and didn’t want to do it again.) My Dad hates mens jewellry so he doesn’t even have a wedding ring.
They wore their engagement rings on their left hands, then switched them to their right after marriage. They were both plain mens rings: no gems, white gold or gold with minimal detail.
No, I hate rings (on me). It’s a good thing marriage is a long way off for me. I guess I could deal with a wedding necklace or something, do they exist?
Forgot to post about the re-proposal thing. if I proposed to a woman and she said yes, then she all of a sudden proposed to me, I’d probably laugh. I mean what the hell does she expect I’m gonna say, no? Now if she proposed to me and had a ring all ready, I’d probably think it was nice. It would get a little dicey though because as I stated in the previous post, I don’t really like wearing rings.
It’s quite a delemma really. I mean I either have an uncomfortable finger for the rest of my life or get to spend the rest of my life with a woman I (presumably) loved. I guess by the time she felt liked proposing, we’d probably have come accross the fact I hate rings during conversation at least once…
My first fiancee gave me a signet ring that I wore on my left little finger; I’d’ve worn it next to the wedding ring under other circumstances (i.e. had she not called it off). Under the usual protocol I could’ve kept the ring as the non-terminating party, but I gave it back 'cos of being heartbroken, poor me. There wasn’t a separate proposal or anything like that.
I learned yesterday that my fiance plans to get me a ring before our wedding this June. I don’t like rings on me, and I don’t really like the idea of spending the money for a matching (platinum) ring, just for the ceremony (in Vegas).
